Things I Miss About Los Angeles
Andy Dick.
Christmas shopping outside in flip-flops.
Accurate forcasts that come not in blocks of 7 days but in blocks of 365.
Being surrounded by people with actual pigmentation.
Running stairs in Santa Monica with Tori Spelling's boobs and that shirtless Moroccan body-builder who ate small children for breakfast.
Happy hour every hour.
Having my boss show up to work an hour late with a massive case of the munchies.
Running into someone who knows someone whose male cousin has slept with Tom Cruise.
The daily 4am helicopter fly-bys crashing the ecstasy party on the roof of the building, and the subsequent scuffling of Kenneth Cole boots getting the hell out.
Gigantic, perky breasts everywhere.
Knowing people who will get into heaven not because they believe in God, but because they are prettier than God.
People who know how to be pretentious without pretending they aren't being pretentious.
Bathing Chuck and having him skid like a race car across the hardwood floors head first into the wall of the living room in our old apartment.
Fellow drivers who aren't afraid of dying.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. Terry said:
Sounds like hell.
2. Erma said:
I'd love to go Christmas shopping wearing flip-flops, but crazy New England weather hasn't let me do it, or at least do it and let me enjoy it.
3. feelafel said:
Sadly, LA pretention is often imitated (although as you say, is never replicated). I wish people from other places would get their own thing. Like Ottawa. I'm from Ottawa. Windchill is our thing. Nobody does it better. It was -39 with windchill earlier this week in Ottawa ... that's the same in F as in C. So, what's your thing, places other than LA?
4. chukee said:
And those flocks of noisy, little, green parrots everywhere...
5. Brandon said:
Trader Joe's looks like WAY to much fun. I think I'd be very well stocked indeed if I shopped there. Also, why does everyone have this big infatuation with HUGE breasts?? I mean, I suppose natural ones are ok, but fake ones kinda turn me off. To the point where I'm thinking the smaller the better. At least then I know they are real.
6. Buckosmack said:
Trader Joes says it all. We have them, we gave them birth and no matter where else they show up, they're still ours! All ours.
"This town is our town, it is so fabulous. Bet you'd live here if you could and be one of us."
Straight into Heaven for me!
7. bonnie said:
My first post on the dooce site has got to be this one question: Do you tweak your photos to get that nice velvety, fuzzy, warm look, or is your camera just that fucking awesome? I've always admired how most of your digital photos have that above mentioned rich quality, but I may have missed any previous mention you've made about what type of camera or tricks you use.
8. Summer--the other ex-mormon said:
Wow. Andy Dick, boobs, Tom Cruise and gay sex, the munchies, perky breasts, ecstasy parties, and Trader Joe's. What's not to miss... sounds like fun to me! It's definately a 180 degree turn around from the Stepford environment you're in now.
I think we should all send Dooce little care packages of sand, tostadas, and heat lamps so she can build her own mini-LA in the back yard. You could get those life size cardboard standups of all the celebs and have a fabulous party.
Then again what would the neighbors think?? *gasp*
9. Summer said:
Feelafel--Arizona. It's like 82 degrees out today. I'm wearing shorts.
10. the mighty jimbo said:
yeah...i like those things about socal too. but you did trade up in some ways too.
free range, organic, hormone and additive free breasts.
air you can't see.
clouds.
seasons that are not linked to tourists, advertising and new fall releases.
more guns, but less people actually using them.
drinks that cost less than 15 dollars.
housing you can actually afford without having to sell a script, your body, crack, or your soul.
11. Jory said:
Here in Utah, Dooce, we try to bring a little bit of flavor country home with the Film Festival -- a poor substitution, but hey. I totally saw Andy Dick at the Egyptian. No puking midgets though, er I mean, his entourage.
And Summer? What would the neighboors think? You *know* she'd be called as the mutual coordinator within 10 minutes of that shindig, for sure.
12. helenjane said:
yesterday i saw this platinum lovely leap from her jag to hug a stuntman and she seriously had one canteloupe on each side of her chest.
they were fucking works of art, those breasts.
viva LA!
13. rosebaby said:
yeah! the driving! 70mpg bumper to bumper! that may be the only thing i miss. and the mexican food. and the beach.
but san diego for chrismas every year solves some of that.
you'll end up going back to visit and realize why you left, and not regret it.
probably.
14. Jen said:
Is it really sunny there all the time?
15. George said:
I miss Chuck, especially when he would come over after American Idol and his mom and my mom would drink lots of wine and sit on our stoop enjoying the warm weather.
Things that Chick misses about LA;
Animal Crackers, Runyon Cyn. Puppy play group, sprinkler heads, the beach, his lookout window
Sara and Brad and mostly me. Bring him back....
16. chukee said:
Jen, it is sunny most every day. This is why I left mossy Seattle for dusty LA. Lush and green is great, but if you have S.A.D. you won't appreciate it.
17. pbert said:
Why DID you leave it?
18. sx70.blogspot.com said:
trader joes. i've said it before, i'll say it again--the trader joes on third and la brea has the greatest percentage of hotties per square footage of food purveying in probably all of north america.
having said all that, we miss your LA posts, and we're happy to see this one.
19. brittney in nashville said:
Yes, gigantic, perky breasts are far superior to gigantic, perky hair.
20. ex southern babtist said:
Ahhh, gotta love LA!
21. rosebaby said:
hey! britney at sundance!
http://pagesix.com/pagesix/29226.htm
22. robby rist said:
i dont care who you are, you gots to love big boobies. especially they way they are presented to you in LA. for you viewing pleasure. actually everything is like that here. like LA is one big TV show. weird. i just realized that im cousin oliver.
23. Kate said:
Is it bad that the only thing I buy consistently, every time I hit up Trader Joe's, is their peanut butter cups? Those things are like Turkish Delight for the Southern Californian.
24. Summer said:
Jory you are SO right. And assignments would immediately go out for which people could sign up to bring a "sweet" or a "salt" dish... and lots and lots of green jello with grated carrots in it... and the casseroles! Oh the casseroles!! I totally forgot.
25. Some Guy said:
The year I moved to SoCal it rained through part of January and most of February. A local said it was the most rainy "winter" he could remember. It's strange though, even when it rains out here it's brighter than it was on a normal day back in Pennsylvania. The only thing I miss is thunderstorms.
26. Cros said:
The best thing about L.A. is that there is always the potential of something bizarre and interesting happening.... L.A. is such a large blob of dislocated people, most of whom have abandoned thier home towns for "something better", all huddled together in one spot, that just by the law of averages, like a million lost monkeys banging on a million sunbleached typewriters, something interesting is bound to happen just about every day....
Oh Yeah, and there is a lot a fake boobs too.
27. pbert said:
I order the ribeye most times but man, that porterhouse sure looks appetizing. The ribeye always ends up costing less, AND I get to enjoy every bite.
28. moose said:
Congrats on your gobs of gigs. We all want you to stay meta.
Mighty Jimbo: amen, brother.
29. Suzyn said:
We have Trader Joe's here in Chicagoland--it rocks: a lb. of shade grown organic columbian coffee for $7, chocolate out the wazoo, great wine, and Cabot's butter and sour cream--cheap...God has kissed me on the lips.
30. nora said:
as a TJs is my store of choice person who once spent 5 months sans Trader Joe's in Orlando, I feel your pain. I also expect that if you gave us a wish list, we, your loyal and adoring fans, could probably be persuaded to ship you goodies.
31. Funtime Ben said:
You should start the Dooce.com LA sightseeing experience. Perky breasts, Andy Dick, Tori Spelling's boobs, happy hour, Tom Cruise, body-builders who eat children... I know most tours feature Tori Spelling's boobs, but why mess with a good thing.
32. LA RESIDENT said:
Things that are missed by us locals:
Dooce and Blurb
I used to have hope that there was a balance of good guys in this mess.
33. Jon said:
Hrm, I've seen people in New England wearing flip-flops in all kinds of weather. Tevas + thick socks, seems to work for them.
34. jimmypage said:
d00ce - what you've mentioned, thus far, about utah, makes mormon country sounds like a kinder, gentler nazi concentration camp.
so, do what you need to do... use the donations people have sent you to move back to LA & get a perky boob job. oh & post the pics. -jp
35. kindle said:
Hey hey now, Trader Joe's isn't just in Southern California. The delightfully temperate Bay Area has them too.
(I wonder if I can stir up any Northern Cali vs. Southern Cali rivalry. Hrm..)
36. Irk said:
That almost makes L.A. sound kind of good.
I'm from Detroit. I think our thing is a distinct lack of things. Except for gas-guzzling SUVs that support terrorism. Although we did just get a Trader Joe's. And we're the only point in the contiguous 48 that is north of Canada.
37. christa said:
feelafel - I'm from the Jersey Shore where our thing is bitching and moaning about New Jersey but secretly loving it. We also make fun of the hosers from South Jersey.
38. Buckosmack said:
And another thing, LA ain't the only place fake titties are born and rasied, c'mon now.
39. sarah said:
Dooce, that comment about Tom Cruise is going to get you a lawsut...you know he goes after blood, because, like, he's not gay. :)
40. anna jr. said:
um, i live in arkansas.
41. Kat said:
I may or may not know someone who may or may not have seen Tom Cruise and his male "personal assistant" doing things that may or may not be classified as "homosexual activity". Allegedly.
42. darian said:
It's 81 degrees here today, I'm sweating my ass off.
p.s.
Hopefully, I'll have fake boobs in a few years.
43. Rebecca said:
better than being stuck here in canada... igloos and all.
44. ME said:
the trader joe's in west hollywood was the best - we stocked up on stuff there before we returned to NYC - we don't have them here in the 5 boroughs yet and have to settle for the one in Philly when we visit relatives.
Still looking for the gigantic perky breasts here in NYC...
45. the media said:
la fucking rocks.
46. Katie said:
You guys don't have Trader Joe's in Utah, huh? What a sad world.
47. Lauren said:
Christmas shopping outside in flip-flops.
Yea...that's something I love about Texas, as well.
I think that Los Angeles misses you too.
48. The Other Erika said:
Knowing you will see your fave celeb..eventually. Running into Billy Bob Thorton shopping on Melrose and having a 45 minute conversation and being amazed at how unbelievably nice and normal he is!
49. Yahmdallah said:
Regret is like a wine stain on the carpet. It never quite fades away, but eventually you don't even see it anymore.
50. Zan said:
I love the fact that it looks like the Gigantic George appears to be crouching down to fit in the frame... He looks like a huge dog, although it's probably just the angle of the photo.
Chuck looks totally confident that even though he's standing next to this tank of a dog, he's like,"I am SO cool... come pet me"
Your photos rock.
51. LA Lover said:
I am in total agreement with JimmyPage.
52. The Other Erika said:
almost forgot
Kevin & Bean
53. tootie said:
I think Andy Dick is the official celebrity welcome mat for Los Angeles. A few months after I moved to L.A., there he was, standing in line at Noah's Bagels on Venice Blvd., just chillin. I think he shows up to wherever the newest resident of L.A. is, like a sign, "more to come!"
Best celebrity sighting I ever had was James Spader taking his kids to see Shrek because I had a big crush on James Spader in the 80s.
Aside from all the usual places for celebrity sightings, my favorites were always the Sports Club on Sepulveda and the Cineplex Odeon theater in Century City.
54. Jane said:
I live in Panama, so I wear sandals all year long and yet sometimes I long for cold, windchill weather; the kind where you burrow under piles of blankets, or play in the snow. I've never played in snow. How sad.
55. lordgoon said:
A joke:
So the telephone rings n the vatican. The Pope picks up and hears a voice that says, yo, Pope, this is God.
Yo, says the Pope to God, whassup there, o holiest of holies?
Well, says God, here's the thing - I've got some good news and some bad news...
I dig, says the Pope. Let's hear the Good news first.
The good news, says God, is that I've decided to come down to earth and do away with all this religious diversity. I'm tired of my worshippers not knowing which religion to participate in, so I'm going to let everyone know that there's exactly one true faith.
Excellent! says the Pope. And the bad news?
And God says: I'm calling from Utah.
56. leblanc said:
ah yes, you just reminded me of why i love northern california so much more than southern california: no pretentious fake tanned fake boobs.
57. slackjaw said:
I miss being so twisted that I think after a 45 minute conversation with BB Thorton "wow...he's just SO normal, you know?". Just like when you start to think those boobs where the nips point up are normal, those white white teeth are normal, liposuction, botox, those freaky puffy lips that Mellony Grifith has are all normal.
Yea...I think thats what I miss the most, how everything used to look so normal...
58. the propagandist said:
we miss you dooce.
although that's one less pair of sharp elbows at the TJ's on La Brea.
59. Naaman said:
I can't believe you left out The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf!!
60. Chad's Favorite Bridesmaid said:
Okay, Kindle, I'm on your team! If I weren't in NorCal, I'd most certainly miss:
Being 30 minutes from the wine country & 30 minutes from The City.
Fog--the kind that rolls over the hills like dry ice used at Halloween to emulate smoke out of a cauldron.
Seasons without shoveling snow.
Safeway, not Vons (yeah, they're owned by the same folks, but they ARE different).
Alice...specifically
Sarah & No Name.
Seeing Sammy Hagar watch his kids play soccer in Mill Valley (okay, kinda good, kinda odd).
McDonald's in Chinatown & the menu being in Chinese.
Fleet Week, specifically sitting on a rooftop in the Marina & having the Blue Angels fly mere inches over your head.
The splash of a Barry Bonds homer landing in the bay.
Do I make my point?
61. Xanthan said:
▪ Tommy's Burgers!
▪ The Original Trader Joe's in Pasadena
▪ Air you can hold in your hand (or mold into party favors)
▪ The San Gabriel Mountains - truly purple mountains majesty
▪ Musso & Franks Grill
▪ Topanga Canyon
▪ Never wearing socks
▪ Taco trucks
▪ Enjoying morning coffee in the garden ten months out of the year.
▪ California bungelows and Craftsmen style architecture
▪ An incredible music scene
62. Keith said:
And we miss you too, Heather. Surprisingly enough, I saw Andy Dick last month and he was wearing this ridiculous wig. And it's 70+ here today. And I was in Trader Joe's last weekend. And the breasts... oh, yes, the breasts. They're everywhere.
63. L.A. Grump said:
Big ups for Trader Joe's Pot Stickers.
64. Liz said:
I would kill to have another In N Out cheeseburger. *drool*
And Texas has lots of fake boobies too. As an ex-boyfriend once told me: "I've never had so many fake boobs walk through this bedroom." Ass.
65. rebekka said:
you should vacation in Bakersfield this summer. By the time your vaca is over, you'll be over soCal. (But I could see how you'd miss it all. I missed it just reading and I'm still here.)
66. Zander said:
Hey Heather!!! Remember me from FasTV?!? I'm getting married to Morina in September - can you believe that?
67. Richard said:
I live two blocks from Trader Joe's, and hardly ever go. Just thought I'd let you know for no apparent reason.
68. angeleno said:
la has such an impossible identity. maybe because it's such an adventure. you have to discover what's yours here, and because of that, you really have to own it. living here is truly and completely a love affair. there are things that drive you crazy, there are things that make you laugh, but every morning the first thought you have when you walk out the door is "sweet jesus, i am the luckiest person alive." and to the anti-tit brigade and sf vs. la warriors: you guys need more vitamin d.
69. L.A. Grump said:
Rebekka, Bakersfield isn't really part of Los Angeles. I don't think Dooce is missing the non-central valley farming hell-hole parts of Los Angeles. But, if she hasn't already, I'm guessing Dooce will soon be posting a "Things I don't miss about Los Angeles" page. Perhaps, Bakersfield will be on that list.
70. April said:
I, too, would miss my Trader Joe's...
but I'll bet you don't miss the unending footage of car chases on the local news.
71. The Other Erika said:
re: car chases
No way dude, there is actually a low speed chase on right now and it looks like he keeps stopping to ask for directions.
( btw no one mentioned how many times a person can say dude in a day. Makes my mom cringe and I'm 25...lol.)
72. se said:
L.A.Grump: Yummm Trader Joe's pot stickers. We call them snot pickers though. Why? 'Cause it's gross--"Hmmm, let's have snot pickers tonight. Yeah!" Someday I'll end up ordering pot stickers at a restaurant that way. I just know it.
73. Beerzie Boy said:
Trader Joe's is the bestest supermarket in the WHOLE WORLD.
74. kb said:
As Maynard sang, Los Angeles is just "one great big festering neon distraction."
And yes, I live in LA. Pfft.
75. eyemkent said:
I'm living in Santa Barbara, another unreal wonderland, and won't bother adding... Leaving any place is the best way to appreciate it.
(And Dooce, I too would really love to know the hows of that lovely glow effect on your beautiful pictures... Um, please?)
76. April said:
Regarding the glow effect: I'm guessing Dooce duplicated the original image on a second layer, put a Diffuse Glow on it (standard Distort tool on Photoshop, but with the graininess set to 0), maybe even added a slight Gaussian Blur, and then set that second layer to Soft Light or Lighten, with the opacity at somewhere less than 100%. Just a guess, though. I'd love to know how close or how far I am from the actual technique used.
77. dayna said:
....seeing matthew perry outside the standard on sunset, fighting with his ladyfriend (tennis player, can't remember her name) - then hopping, wasted, into his shiny BMW SUV. that was THE moment this canadian defines to be her ultimate LA experience.
78. Bryan said:
Yeah, I love LA weather!
79. The Other Erika said:
oooh that reminds me.. only in LA can an obliterated guy get the wrong car from valet and proceed to crash the thing on Sunset!
80. sean said:
Eyemkent: I left Salt Lake City for the OC part of L.A. and the only thing I appreciate SLC for is how much it made me appreciate L.A.