The Loni Anderson Effect
So I'm on the phone with my father last night, and it is reiterated to me as it was throughout my childhood that the two most important things about a woman are her boobs and her cooking.
And so I turn to Jon, my darling husband, and I say, "It's always the same with him, the boobs and the cooking, can you believe that?"
And Jon looks at me and says, "You know that's crazy. There's so much more to you than your boobs and your cooking."
And I'm like, exactly!
And he says, "But, I really do like your boobs."
And I say, "You really like my cooking too, right?"
And he says, "Of course. God, I love your cooking."
And we both pause and think for a second, and then look at each other and say simultaneously, "Maybe it is about the boobs and the cooking."
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1. the propagandist said:
oh god. my therapist is going to be able to buy a goddam lexus off my restaurant fetish if this is true...
2. Jen said:
Dad's are smart. It's all about the boobs and cooking with my dad too.
3. Cindy said:
Oh no no no
4. leandra said:
If that's all it is I'll be married forever... I know one person who loves my healthy endowment of breasts and cooking skills. :)
5. the mighty jimbo said:
boobs, cooking, and fart jokes too.
jon is a lucky, lucky man.
6. otherjen said:
I am also in luck if that is true, but I would agree that fart jokes should be added. Or at leasting farting.
7. Emeril Lagasse said:
Bam! That's going to be my new show on the Food Network. Bam!
8. Alex said:
I neither cook nor do I have boobs (they're Gwynethesque rather than Brittanyish)yet I'm married.
My husband, however, is a fabulous cook and has a nice chest -- so I guess ONE person in the relationship has to possess the boobage and the cooking skills or else it'll all fall apart...
9. Desiree said:
I love that simple archaic logic about sustenance (feeding your man & feeding your family). I think I am an average cook and I know I have nice but average breasts; my very cool and so far from being any kind of chauvenist husband also just confirmed that indeed it IS about boobs and cooking... not that either need to be spectacular or grand -- it's just enough that they "be". :)
10. Naaman said:
I can't think of a single way to disprove that. I'm starting to think I'm a chauvinist.
They should have a checkmark on the marriage license for that.
11. Lola said:
Hmmmmm. Well. I've got the great boobs, and my husband has the mad cooking skills, so when you put us together we have the boobs and the cooking. So maybe that's how it works...if you don't have the boobs, but you have the kitchen thing down, then you better pick a man with fabulous pectorals. eh?
12. Danika said:
Well I don't cook.. and my boobs are probably average... I guess I'm in trouble.
13. Terry said:
Who are we to argue with your father's logic?
14. Caveman said:
*gruntgrunt* boobs. food. boobs. food *grunt* football. food. boobs.
15. da said:
it's not just the boobs and the cooking, they have to be in the correct porportions. 90% cooking / 10% boobs probably wouldn't cut it.
16. PJ said:
Loni Anderson can cook?
17. clueless man said:
Loni Anderson has boobs?
18. Titular Man said:
I've got a vision:
c(o)(o)king with d(o)(o)ce!
19. Heather #2 said:
(o)(o)
Fucking hilarious! (Who thinks of this shit???)
As for me, I've got boobs and I know how to cook, so I guess I don't need the relationship part. Ah, fuck. Who the hell am I kidding. Yes I do! (Why can't we grow penises like we grow herbs? I'd fucking be set.)
20. Funtime Ben said:
"Who thinks of this shit???"
The Japanese, they have keyboard equivalents for everything.
(*^_^*)
21. Tremorr said:
In one of his essay collections, David Sedaris (of NPR fame) describes a hilarious prank his sister (the actress Amy Sedaris from Strangers with Candy) played on their father who was of a similar mindset. Unnaturally obsessed with his daughers' looks, father Sedaris was shocked one xmas season when Amy shows up with a GARGANTUAN ass. Unknown to him, she was wearing half of a fat suit. Hilarity ensues.
22. Alex said:
Oh my god! I love that story. Here is the link for those who want to read it:
http://www.esquire.com/humor/
sedaris/articles/000301_mds_
suit01_1.html
If I were a gay man, my mission in life would be to make David Sedaris mine *sigh*
23. Tremorr said:
Thanks for posting the link, Alex. David Sedaris rules, and his essay "A Plague of Tics" has made me much more tolerant of my marvelous-but-becoming-rather-peculiar 6 year old son.
24. anna jr. said:
i wish i had smaller boobs.
and that i was a better cook.
although my cooking is good enough that i eat too much of it - thus contributing (by means of all over layer of padding) to the size of my aforementioned boobs.
sigh.
25. Irk said:
Hey, if you got it flaunt it. Preferably, flaunt both at the same time.
And while we're talking David Sedaris, one of my faves is "The Rooster" in which the glory of the Fuck It Bucket is revealed. "Just say fuck it, motherfucker, and have a piece of candy."
26. Kat said:
I'm not much of a cook, and my boobs are small (but nice and perky!) I guess that's why I hooked up with my girlfriend, she of the great rack and excellent cooking skills. It IS all about the boobs and the cooking.
27. moonzi said:
i suppose i should just join the convent now, then.
28. Meesha said:
Hmmmm....so that's why, after I slave over a hot stove to cook a delicious and nutritious dinner, my husband "thanks" me by rubbing my boobs.
It's really enhanced my understanding of his behavior to know that he's not the only one.
29. Cody said:
That would be *three* things, right? Boobs and cooking?
30. Tasha said:
You know what, that makes a lot of sense. Since my boobs are 30% larger due to Depo, and I keep cooking in the communal kitchen...oh GOD! That's why they've been hitting on me!
I think I'm gonna go buy some more kitchen items and a boobs on display shirt. Right now.
31. Scott said:
(oYo) I love boobs. Real ones. I can cook for myself.
32. Titular Man said:
Scott's right.
(oYo) are better than (o)(o)
if you know what I mean...
33. cat said:
the two most important things? or the two most appreciated?
the difference could mean a still-satisfied husband figure, when after 25 years, your boobage is hanging low and arthritis attacks your fingers.
let us not be defined by the ephemeral, girls!
34. chuckles said:
I saw Loni once at a doctor's office. She nearly ran me down in a hallway. On TV the boobs are fun, but they can also be used as weapons. As for "cooking," I always thought that was a euphimism... my sinewy pan-flipping forearms notwithstanding...
35. Kristin said:
I always thought if you had nice boobs, someone else would cook for you...that's why I missed out on all those Italian mom-aunt-grandma sessions in the kitchen when I was little. ;)
36. April said:
Good gawd. Why am I picturing Robin Williams' boobs catching fire over a hot stove?
37. Kristin said:
Oops, that sounded like I was dissing my female family members...not so. I just meant I thought I was pretty set in the chest department!
38. Yahmdallah said:
If cooking and having boobs were all that mattered, Paul Prudhomme and Dom DeLuise would be everyone's dream spouse. I think we're overlooking brains and vaginas here. Not to mention beer, but real men can get their own damn beer.
39. Tian said:
what if the man is the cook....is it about the package and cooking?
40. Sheila said:
I've rarely seen brains & vaginas on the same menu. Especially after guys have comsumed said beer.
41. owen said:
your father may not be very wise but he has a point worth nothing.
42. Edsmonkey said:
*wonders if anyone can cool with their boobs*
43. edsmonkey said:
Er, cook I mean.
Obviously I am typing with my boobs.....
44. owen said:
edsmonkey can't cook
45. Summer said:
Allright, allright already. I've got the boobs, I've got the cooking thing... shit, I've even got the flat stomach... where's the man in this equation already??? Any takers?
46. Summer said:
I guess I should also mention that fair's fair and my guy should most definately NOT have boobs but it is ok if he can cook... there's nothin' sexier than that.
47. Tommy said:
it's ALL about the boobs and the cooking.
48. Nikki said:
Damn, I have neither cooking skills or boobs. I'm screwed...
49. bucci said:
dooce, did you go back and add nipple shadow to the gobs of gigs or am i seeing things?
50. Cartoonist said:
My fiance's boobs are like a dead heat in a zeppelin race. Which makes it hard for her to see what she is cooking. But the food still tasted great, she just gets to wear some of it as well.
51. lee said:
I liked Scott's comment. "I can cook for myself." So refreshing to hear a man say that, even if it was preceded by a boob comment.
52. Natasha said:
I neither have much in the way of boobs nor do I cook much more than spaghetti, but my fiance loves me anyway. As he told me when I read this to him, he said, "Oh, honey--it's about YOUR boobs and cooking, as minimal as both may be!" Gotta love a man with the ability to joke at your expense but say it so sweetly that you can't help but laugh.
53. Brent said:
Makes lots of sense to me. Species propagation needs hardly more than food and sex! So, yeah, they're damned important!
54. MonkeyPeaches said:
Are you sure your father was refering to cooking in the kitchen?
55. Malisa said:
Shit! No wonder I'm still single. And I thought there was something wrong with me.
56. Kevynn Malone said:
It's about cooking topless.
57. shy said:
i've got to agree with the boys... (oYo) are better than (o)(o). but... they're better then (.Yo) or (0Yo). perky is nice too... (*Y*)
58. slackjaw said:
Well once again the Autralians have beaten us Americans to the punch.
Nigella Lawson
has both the boobs and the cooking show...I just can't figure out how we didn't come up with this first!
59. slackjaw said:
that didn't work... here you go...
http://abc.net.au/tv/food/
60. my name's not dirty . . . said:
it's true. all a girl needs in life are boobs, a smile, a brain, and perhaps a warm burrito.
by the way, my (oYo) took the blue ribbon at the tri-county fair last year. giddyup.
61. MACROSTATE said:
it's really just about the boobs. if the boobs can cook then, it's a bonus
62. poop on a stick said:
I love my gf boobs but her cooking is something much less desireable, i guess that is y I do the cooking...
Unfortunatly I don't quite have the rack...
So what about Paper money donations????? I am not one to give my money to either AMazon or Paypal?
Is there a donation PO BOX or sumpthang.....
dag yo!!!!
63. The Inmate said:
I can't believe nobody's hit on Summer yet. She's allegedly got the boobs, the cooking and even throws in a flat stomach!
I guess I should be the one to say:
Hey, Summer. How you doin'?
64. Billy said:
And he's only being nice to you about the cooking part.
65. Heather #2 said:
Ummm. LA? Lemme introduce you to the husband.
66. Heather #2 said:
Oooh. Inmate. She's totally cute. We love her over at convivial.
Hey, Dooce. You were so on my spin-the-bottle list until a certain Jackie-O reminded me of Owen. Sorry. Had to bump you. But if I could have four...
67. owen said:
what other skills does summer have?
68. Alex The Male said:
Very astute post, dooce. Although, there is a glaring omission that changes everything...the fat ass. Boobs and cooking are important...don't get me wrong, but watching a fat ass get out of bed and jiggle it's way to the bathroom or kitchen makes every guy wince. We always look.
69. anna jr. said:
alex the male:
that is just so unfortunate to hear.
you just effectively removed any trace of self confidence from this fat assed woman.
thanks and fuck off.
70. lee said:
Most guys I've talked to dig the ass with a little bit of shake, Anna. Have you forgotten Sir Mix-A-Lot?
71. TenaciousG said:
I was at a Sleater-Kinney concert last night where they said they'd recently seen a poster that said, "Boobs, not Bombs." Turns out the poster said Books not Bombs, but the band and the audience seemed to prefer Boobs over Books.
72. schmecky said:
It's really about the coobs and the booking.
73. da said:
i second the paper money thought. boobs are king but cash counts too.
74. The Inmate said:
Um...convivial you said? Yes, of course...
Cuteness notwithstanding...don't call us, Summer. We'll call you.
75. stop calling me that said:
boob size is directly related to ass size. you want one, you've got to put up with the other. it's all just globs of fat.
76. monkeypeaches said:
I just found this link {click above} on a restaurant in China serving dishes made with breast milk, also this via BoingBoing http://boingboing.net/
2003_02_01_archive.html#90266825 about a new compound found in breast milk that soothes bitter taste, so maybe Dad knew more than he thought he did.
77. QuesoDiablo said:
as a man i think that the best quality a woman can have is to be able to stand me. And that would generaly be about it. and i guess the cokking would be a nie thing, and now that i think about it nice boobs is also a plus, but the big one is being able to stand me.
78. girl said:
My girlfriend and I are both excellent cooks -- and we both have great boobs. Being a dyke rocks, dude.
79. anna jr. said:
stop calling me that -
unless the boobs are the kind you buy. those come with small asses too.
80. edmund b said:
so what's up with the dooce singles column, for all us weirdos who wouldn't touch match.com with a 10 foot pole? We should ask Ben and Mena if they can add that feature to MoveableType. now that would uber-fantastico!
81. Kate said:
Not so, Stop Calling Me That and Anna Jr.
My sis and I both have DD+ (hers are bigger) with the most non-existant asses you've ever seen. Her's, smaller than mine. She's top-heavy to the extreme.
82. owen said:
too much of one thing isn't a good idea
83. Summer said:
I apologize for my earlier stupidty/silliness. I hereby detract my last statement. *note to self: start with Jager shots after 4pm. AFTER!
84. anna jr. said:
kate -
wow. should i be jealous or feel sorry for you?
i want smaller boobs AND a smaller ass.
but i guess if i had to choose -between big boobs/small ass and small boobs/big ass - i'd...well....i'd....
well, i guess i don't get to choose, do i?
85. stop calling me that said:
yeah well . . . weebles wobble but they don't fall down.
86. Anna said:
Hmm... you've made me think about this, and I've realized the two things my husband thanks me for most are my boobs and my cooking.
Maybe there's some connection between the food an infant male derives from his mother's breast and his later obsession with boobs and cooking. This calls for an anthropological study.
87. Speedo said:
Being single and busy, I would be in favor of a Boob Buffet. All the boobs you want for a set price. I suppose the price of the buffet would reflect the quality of the menu, which brings up quality vs. quanTITy.
88. Your Correction Officer said:
Anna:
Freud came to that conclusion about a hundred years ago. According to him, all babies see the breast as a giver of nutritional satisfaction. When they no longer need the breast to get food it gradually turns into a thing of sexual satisfaction. More for the males, since Freud believed that all males have a sexual attraction for their moms.
Boobs: The giver of life.
89. The Inmate said:
Hey Kate. How YOU doin'?
Could not care less if you can cook or not.
(also goes for Kate's sister)
90. Natasha said:
Correction Officer:
I like boobs. Others than my own, I mean. Does that mean I was sexually attracted to my mom?
91. Heather #2 said:
Inmate fucking rocks.
92. Your Correction Officer said:
Natasha: Everyone likes boobs. I'm just pointing out what Freud said. Basically everything boils down to sex and aggression and what we like and get pleasure out of early on in life becomes sexually motivated. There are exceptions to every rule, but if you really want to get Freudian, technically you're sexually attracted to your dad. Don't shoot the messenger.
93. dclay said:
Why did you have to make that post about having to read every article. Takes too long. Dooce too popular. Can't breathe...
I like boobs.
94. monkeypeaches said:
Well, since Freud has entered the argument? I will postulate that Darwin has more to do with this than Freud. It's about survival, the woman with the big tits can feed my kids {and me} and if she can have dinner waiting after I kill some big ass mammal I will be far more inclined to make more chalupas. And as some foul anus rap "artist" put it "boobies is the tits"
95. dclay said:
...still can't breathe...
96. dclay said:
...still can't breathe...
97. Chris said:
Dear goodness why do so many people feel the need to comment?
98. Monkeypeaches said:
Chris
'cause we can, an' we like it.
Nuff Said
99. Richard said:
Woohoo, I'm the 99th commenter!
100. rah said:
i just wanna try to be #100
i have the boobs and my boyfriend has the cooking. we're a great fucking team :)
101. HRH said:
Can't cook at all, but I have to say that I have a pretty fantastic rack. Hopefully that makes up for the hideous things I try to create for dinner.
102. Natasha said:
Correction Officer: I totally realize that Freudian stuff about oedipal and electral urges and why I'm really attracted to my dad. I was just wondering what Freud would have to say about my being attracted to females as well. Such as, was I attracted to BOTH of my parents? At the same time? Yikes.
103. April said:
I wonder if having a really great spice rack would make up for everything. Hmm... something to submit to the itty bitty titty committee.
104. The Inmate said:
I'm sorry HRH. In order to be taken into consideration, you have to provide hard (no pun intended) facts. That means numbers, and preferably letters. Which is to say that a 38 by itself means nothing. If it is coupled with a D, or (even better) a double D, then you've got my attention.
Ball's on your court now, sweetheart.
105. owen said:
one or the other is acceptable but no "spice racks"!.