Things that are, like, totally bothering me
Mormons who believe that driving over the speed limit will prevent them from achieving their eternal salvation. I'm certain that given an open road, God would totally haul ass.
The Earthlink customer service representative handling my complaint who has apparently gone AWOL. He won't return my phone calls or my emails, even the one in which I mentioned that I'm backed by an army of people who really like to talk about poop.
Flossing.
Kwick Kleenup and Kountry Kitchens, those motherphucking phreaks.
Celebrities who aren't keeping it real.
My dog's new habit of ?manipulative moping? wherein the little turd hides behind furniture and cowers at the slightest indication that my mood is about to change, just so that he can get more whiskey and fudgecicles.
Too much snow.
Granny's incessant, unending stories about Brother Smith, no wait, maybe that was Brother Jensen, no wait, maybe that was Brother Petersen, no wait, I can't remember, but it happened in 1942, no wait, maybe it was 1943.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
1. Toby said:
The unflattering Princeton Review of my college.
2. antisocial diva said:
don't give chuck chocolate or fudge or raw or fried onions. they are poison to a dog's system. some vets say a little bit won't hurt but i don't take that chance.
3. Quesodiablo said:
realizing that today the world has emailed me and the headline is "YOU SUCK" and i agree. I think i need some drugs or something i dont particularly like this defeated "i suck and the world knows it" feeling i woke up with this morning but i will continue to be too lazy to acually do anything about it. oh well
4. windowsill wendy said:
The ladies from floor 3-8 of my building who come to the 2nd floor bathroom (the floor where I work) to poop. What's so attractive about the 2nd floor bathroom? Are they really that afraid to poop on their own floor?
5. the posterboy said:
Ha! That sounds like my grandma, she has to many kids and grandkids. When she wants to say something she's like "Brett, Duane, Randy, Kyle ..." Usually I tell her who it is she needs to talk to before she gets down the list. And she's not even that old!
6. the mighty jimbo said:
"I'm certain that given an open road, God would totally haul ass."
see. right there. statements like that make me want to tattoo your URL accross my forehead.
7. ericalynn said:
the person/company who thinks my home phone number is a fax machine and enjoys faxing things at 8:15 a.m. every day.
8. Paul Gutman said:
People who have lived near me for over a year and a half and finally came over at 9:15PM on a SATURDAY to tell me to turn it down.
You've had a long time, dammit. Stop complaining. And on a SATURDAY NIGHT??!??!?!
9. PJ said:
Yikes! A disclaimer: I AM NOT the PJ commenting on The Husband's site. I'm the one with the pooping kid from Chicagoland.
10. Beerzie Boy said:
The Smug Little Fuck of a real estate agent who is selling my house and who talks to me like I three years old.
11. shy said:
feeling helpless... good entry by blurbomat. as a canadian, i'm fearfull of what g.b. is about to do...
12. ... said:
It isn't just mormons, Utahn's in general fall into the category of worst frickin drivers ever. I lived in NYC for awhile, and New Yorker's are saints compared the the way people drive here... cutting you off, never using signals, speeding like demons or deciding to drive under the speed limit by like 20miles/hr. I think you have it backwards, I think they think it is the ONE thing they can do horribly and get away with it.
13. Hilatron said:
My supersonic-hearing-endowed upstairs neighbor who goes to bed at 10pm and likes to "communicate" by pounding on the floor.
14. simpleton said:
i understand the helpless feeling. i feel completely helpless to judge the immense amounts of conflicting information that is flying around. why should we believe right-wing OR left-wing propaganda? on one hand, our government (always embodied in George W., for some reason, as if one man is capable of such evil all by himself) is one giant, sadistic, inhumane conspiracy, OR it is acting (albeit selfishly) to protect the interests of the US. we are all human; we all make mistakes and exhibit poor judgement. why should we expect our government to be any different from us?
US citizens are loud, brassy and brawny. we whine, complain and always want to get our way. we become indignant when someone doesn't speak our language in our country. we accessorize our lives with goods made by people in 3rd world countries, exploiting and taking advantage of their standard of life without thinking twice. how can we expect those that we voted into office to be any different from us? to think that our government is pure evil, simply because it's not just, righteous, humble and true seems a bit misguided and hypocritical to me.
15. Melissa said:
My creepy ex boyfriend who is trying to get in touch with me now, after a year and a half of blessed absence.
My sister never called to thank me for the gifts I sent her.
And, no snow here in DC, but too much of this damn winter thing. Is it June yet?
16. zchamu said:
Bannings.
17. Some Guy said:
Our downstairs neighbors who crank their music at midnight and LEAVE THE APARTMENT so no amount of furious pounding on the door does any good (to give you the other side).
18. Scott said:
Morons who don't understand what turning lanes are for and come to a dead stop in the middle of the damn highway before they make their stupid left turn.
19. Sheila said:
I hated flossing. Until a friend pointed out that food was DECAYING between my teeth. I now try to floss regularly.
20. PJ said:
People who use their pinky to point things out. That's what the index finger is for.
21. aubs said:
All-Star Weekend here in Atlanta. For God's sake, people, it's getting out of control. (That said, I'm totally on Britney-watch.)
22. Benjy said:
Is this how celebs "keep it real?
23. Benjy said:
I guess the html didn't work on my past post -- here's the link:
http://www.cool-2b-real.com/keep/keepinitreal.html
24. nessa said:
you give your dog whiskey and fudgecicles? that dogs got a good thing going, and don't he know it. :)
25. MelisAGoGo said:
being told at noon on Tuesday that the doctor will call in two hours and then 24 pass and the doctor STILL hasn't called.
the upstairs neighbors who think having bass so heavy that stuff falls off MY walls is cool.
the bastards who park in front of our building and don't leave space for the people who actually live here.
26. Craig said:
Whenever I think of the "brothers" in the mormon church, I just think of the movie Orgazmo and that puts a smile on my face. For the uninformed, it is a movie about a Mormon who enters the porn industry as an actor, while on his mission in Los Angeles. Ron Jeremy is in it as well as the two guys from South Park.
27. UnderwearNinja said:
You need to kick Earthlink to the curb.
28. Yahmdallah said:
Salvation, as the Mormons present it, is impossible since sin removes one's salvation until one repents, etc., the person who curses in the midst of a traffic accident that kills her goes to hell, regardless of how pristine a life she's lived. That is the textbook definition of futility. For Christians, salvation is only in jeopardy if one actively rejects it. Just thot I would point that out.
(I was a Mormon for dating purposes once. Trying to get away from them once they've plunged you into the font is much like trying to flick a booger off your finger. It's a lot of work and you're never quite sure it's not just sticking to you somewhere else.)
29. Toad said:
Dude, if you think Kountry Kitchen is bad, try living in a town called "Pflugerville" where we have an annual "Pfilm Pfestival" a "Pfix N Paint" and a "Pflamingos Creamery" (don't ask).
30. nessa said:
"jesus and i love you"
31. pbert said:
God WOULD haul ass. No doubt about it. And, Wendy, they do it on your floor to maintain their personal space. Dogs don't poop in their living space do they? Gawsh no, it'd stink.
32. whu? said:
Yahmdallah, do your homework, you have it all wrong hon... we "mormons" don't need to be PERFECT, just try as best we can.
33. Yahmdallah said:
Most humble apologies. (I didn't want to take up more space making a heavier, if more accurate, point.)
34. Anna said:
To be a lethal dose, dogs have to consume something like 40 kg of cocoa, or an ounce of chocolate, per every pound they weigh. My last dog, a black lab, ate two packages and tastykakes and was fine. A little gassy, but fine. Whiskey and fudgecicles are probably good for dogs; puts hair on their chest.
We've had a beautiful, warm January. This snow is the punishment.
So many people I talk to have that helpless, hopeless feeling. What can one do but protest even though our leaders won't listen? It's so frustrating.
35. Lex said:
If I could get more whiskey and fudgesicles, I'd cower behind furniture, too.
36. bunny said:
Irritating?
Two Mormon missionaries at the front door.
Priceless?
Telling them my husband was excommunicated years ago.
37. rosebaby said:
ok, dj blurb's post is a) really good, and b) really depressing. feeling helpless indeed.
anyone else up for renting a green tortise bus (or whatever those are) and heading for northern canada?
38. Speedo said:
Be careful with the chocolate. My little pooch had major system shut down after eating some chocolate. Luckily, still alive and pooping.
39. rosebaby said:
oh wait!? i get to pick a thing that's bugging me? every fuckin person i've ever known but haven't talked to in 15 years is sending me email this week.
the best: the "good friend" who, many years ago said "i'm sorry, the reason why we don't call is that you never have money to do stuff", she writes to ask if i want to have dinner with her and her husband (thought they split) and my semi-stalker ex-boyfriend from 18 years ago.
oh yes please right away.
40. brunette_with_class said:
love your site! keep it up! I do collections all day...this is my only form of laughter until 5.
41. monster head todd said:
how about a list of what you DO like about UT?
and more pictures!
42. frosty the snowman said:
how about a list of stuff you DO like about UT?
and more pictures!
43. monster head todd said:
Is there an echo in here?
44. frosty the snowman said:
Is there an echo in here?
ha!
45. peggy said:
I like to floss, but not when a big piece of something comes flying out of my mouth. That totally robs me of my dignity.
46. anna jr. said:
something that is totally bothering me is that my intestinal tract is so screwed up that i can count the
number of decent poops i've taken this month on one hand.
yippee!
poop!
47. LK said:
re: your rep who went AWOL - i have a friend who works in the earthlink customer svc dept (dial-up). last week they found out that all 400 people in their dept will be laid off. no joke. i would move elsewhere asap.
48. Naaman said:
God totally has Zeus bolt shooters on the front of his car.
Totally random note -- I'm listening to music that's sampling 7th Heaven. Talk about keeping it real!
49. Desiree said:
I hate that, despite the fact that bossman was at an out-of-town meeting all day, the workday was so fucking busy that I did not get to Dooce until 4:45p; I also hate being teased by warm and sunny weather just outside my window which magnifies the fact that it feels like a fucking glacier has melted in my office.
50. Desiree said:
...and I hate the number 49, so I just had to post to be 50.
(there... now I am feeling a wee bit better)
51. kgjbnme said:
Knowing that I won't get to have a baby for at least 2 more years. Not that the current world is one I want to raise a child in, anyway.
52. kgjbnme said:
and also, this.
53. kgjbnme said:
dangit, link didn't work... serial post ahoy..
http://us.news2.yimg.com/
us.yimg.com/p/nm/20030204/
bush_deficit_graphic.gif
54. lordgoon said:
The thing that creeps into bed with me at night and goes 'aaaaag! aaaag!' while I'm trying to sleep.
Unless that's my own ass.
Hmm....actually, maybe it is....
55. pinklady said:
earthlink was started by scientologists...i think that says it all.
56. da said:
holy cow, my two favorite websites dooce and mirror project (harrumph!) linking to each other. i feel like the guy on the bud commercial who wants to date his girlfriend's roommate and she says, "why not date us both". woohoo
57. coley said:
i know this has been said before, but DAMN, you have a beautiful dog!
58. kelldawg said:
Are "Fudgesicles" real chocolate, anyway?
59. Scotty The Body said:
I used to work tech support. This was in the initial run-up to the Internet boom. And we were all too fucking busy building the networks to be bothered giving any service to our customers. Plus, there was A LOT of free porn on the net back then, with a whole lot less shit to dig through to get at it.
Well, at the ISP I worked for (Mindspring was our client, and Charles Brewer had a goddamned mullet to give you an idea of the timeline here), we didn't have the money or time to have fancy customer service software or track the length of calls or run "metrics" on our satisfaction rates. We just had to get the crap working as quickly as possible. Rebooting routers in the middle of the day was no problem and recommended by our senior network engineer. So he wouldn't have to do anything that would pull him away from his goddamned Linux recompile, he's say "unplug it, count to five. Plug it in. Tell them you fixed it." It usually worked.
But to the point, you may not know exactly what this customer service kid is up to. I have some stories I could tell, such as the kid who jacked off to pictures of naked men sitting on stools or me, who would put assholes on hold and speakerphone while playing video games just to hear them get worked up.
You just never know.
Somehow along the line, I developed a work ethic and find that sort of thing reprehensible. Really curious how that happened.
60. Me said:
The son of the Zaire dictator who promised me millions in ill-gotten booty. I have yet to see a dime. Damn you Thomas Sese Seko!! Damn you to hell!
61. Billy said:
Well, I was totally hauling ass from somewhere (or nowhere) in southern Utah up to SLC to catch a plane, like I'm sure God would have done; but the Utah Storm Trooper (or whatever they call themselves) apparently didn't like the only other car on the road going 95. I was not smote down by the Lord -- for I pulled over pretty quick which the Man liked and I was obsequious and apologetic and my wife said I told you to slow down, you fucking moron, and the Man laughed his ass off and then he gave me a ticket for going only 5 mph over the limit and told me to start listening to my wife.
62. lindsey said:
pj, you totally nailed it with that pointing-with-pinky thing. that drives me crazy.
and i would like to add to the list of bothering shit: two of my roommate's friends. both named jennifer. both come over and eat all my fucking food all the fucking time. my favorite is when they leave just enough of the cereal in the box to tease me when i wake up in the morning, too groggy to realize there's only 10 cherio rings left. then being jolted awake with the sudden realization that i won't be eating breakfast. next comes the ensuing feeling of disappointment and supreme annoyance. talk about a rude awakening. grrr.
63. chizantski said:
unpleasant: closing escrow on my new house, today and going for final inspections and walking up on two homeless dudes sleeping on my door step and one is playing with a hypodermic needle. dang! {...think good thoughts. think good thoughts...}
64. aubs said:
And another thing -- people who either don't signal when changing lanes or those who DO signal but never turn off their blinker. I bet when God's hauling ass down the Highway to Heaven, he at least uses proper blinker-signals.
65. kismet said:
the guy above us with the dog, who leaves sans dog. the dog then serenades us with pitiful crying for five or six hours. good times.
66. Snyder said:
Yeah, this snow is bugging me too.
67. pbert said:
Cool new graphic Dooce.
68. Eva said:
I feel your pain about the snow...I live in Nova Scotia we get it from Sept to April.
69. The Drifter said:
The only thing I could ever possibly want from Moby is for him to shut his fucking animal-free cakehole. He is Exhibit A of what is wrong with east coast establishment liberals with his yammering about things in bludgeoningly urgent tones. I'm sure he suggests "Silent Spring" as required reading to everyone he meets, and I'm sure he hasn't read it himself. He's giving real liberals a bad name. And his live show sucks ass. Wow, that felt good.
70. david said:
THANK YOU "THE DRIFTER"!!!!!!!
71. The Inmate said:
I hear ya, Snyder. These seemingly endless weeks of undeterred sunshine, cloudless skies and balmy 70 degrees temperatures are really getting to me. Damn the tropics.
72. Erik said:
that Moby reads dooce.com. One of today's diary entries on moby.com reads "ugh. i'm tired of people whom i've never met hating me."
73. Trent said:
Moby would bash his mother if he thought it would get some publicity. Fighting with Eminem got publicity, but was stupid. If he is worried about what others say about him he should watch what he says about others. Common sense tells me that. Moby is a moron. Enough said.
74. syrinx said:
Hey Dooce - I already knew your site was like crack and I am here several times a day checking for updates - but you showed up in the flesh in my dream last night. We were both in a play and it was opening night and I hadn't learned any of my lines. And I remember thinking, "Wow she looks different in person," because your hair was blonde instead of septic poopy red.
75. syrinx said:
Disclaimer: I promise I am not some obsessed psycho who is going to stalk you now. Just thought it was humorous that you were in the dream, as I've never met you.
76. The Inmate said:
Sure, Syrinx. That's totally hilarious.
Uh...security....
You need to go calm down and listen to some more Rush.
77. owen said:
well I find it kinda funny, find it kinda sad. can't wait till they shields for cars so you can race along the street an not worry abou you insurance rates going up, killing your self or keeping you eye on the road.
78. Dirrrty said:
I must be PMSing, or not dealing with some pretty deep issues, but all sorts of people are pissing me off today:
Bible-thumpin'-Sunday-Christians...Also, martyrs...and people who thwart others' opportunities for success and/or advancement because they are pitifully lazy or lack confidence. Since we're on the subject, what about able-bodied people who sit at home and collect welfare? And then there are those really, really phucked up people who wipe poo on the bathroom stall walls...bathrooms where you KNOW there are no children to blame for it.
And ya know what else? It bugs me that my feet smell when I wear nylons. A good bitchfest is good now and then....Thanks, Dooce!
79. Summer said:
To those of you who also hate the "Mission Mormanary" visits at your door:
I don't remember if this is a story I heard or if it was in a movie or what... so cut me some slack, it's funny I don't know where it's from.
There was a guy in college--you know the wacko, prank pulling, beer guzzling, flunking out of college guy that every college has at least 1000 of? Well, he lived in a 2 story house with a couple of equally insane roomates. One night as the roommates were sitting quietly downstairs Crazy Dude comes flying down the stairs naked with a jar of Vaseline in one hand and the other hand slathered in it... and he has a long candle sticking out of his ass. He tells the roomates "Light me! Light me!", goes to the front door and starts spankin' his monkey.
Somehow the door gets opened and there's two missionaries standing there as Crazy Dude's screaming WHAT??!! WHAT???!! Pumpin' away with all his might and his ass all a-light.
80. Heather #2 said:
Things that are totally bothering me? How about Mormon bashing? I am SOOO sick of Mormon bashing - and I'm not even Mormon?! But fucking Summer - I couldn't help laughing! See why we love her?
81. E_Monkey said:
Things that bug me:
People who come up to you, all snot nosed and whatnot and announce that they're sick. And then they sneeze on you.
The arsehole I got stuck behind 3 times this morning...Mister I'm too good to even bother signaling whilst cutting you off repeatedly.
Oh, and the fact that Christina Agulira is calling herself "Xtina".
82. Angelique said:
Minnesotans.
All of them....
being from the east coast, driving out here is enough to make you want to commit random - but completely supported by any rational court of law - acts of road rage.
these people must be the bastard stepchildren of Utah-ians. they make u-turns from the right lane and are the worst gawkers EVER. someone stopped on the side of the road to change a tire will (honestly!!) cause an hour backup in traffic. these people sit at home all day during their 7 months of winter here, so when they get out on the road, they need to be stimulated. so annoying. i totally hear you about cold weather-ites and inability to make logical driving decisions.
don't come to minnesota, you'll want to kill someone.