Class of Ninety-Three
Jon and I have been watching this relatively new reality show on the WB called "High School Reunion," and I hate to even admit this, but it's the scariest thing I've ever seen. I watch it with my hands over my eyes and an emergency whiskey sitting an arm's length away. I'm sure it's not supposed to be scary, but my own ten-year high school reunion is later this year, and as I've mentioned to Sour Bob who was there in my AP English class when I wrote my final term paper on Joseph Smith and tried to prove through historical documents written by Mormons that the Mormon church was the only true church on earth, no amount of psychotherapy could prepare me for such a return to hell.
For the past couple of years I have had a recurring nightmare that goes like this: I receive a call from someone on the school board from my home town who says that because of a "glitch" in the system, everyone who graduated from my high school in 1993 has to repeat their senior year. It doesn't matter that I have a college degree, and if I don't go back and redo my senior year of high school, that college degree becomes null and void. I then begin screaming, usually outloud.
And in this nightmare, as in real life, it's impossible to imagine a worse scenario. I would rather base jump off a two-story building than relive a single moment of high school. I'd much rather have that dream where you're being chased by a crocodile as you run around in public naked but for half-socks.
Up until very recently it's been easy to deny that I was ever the Heather who:
- once believed that Rush Limbaugh was a prophet of God.
- referred to Dan Quayle as "my man in Washington."
- threw public hissy fits whenever a quiz or a paper came back with a 98 or 99 and not a perfect 100.
- saw Milli Vanilli in concert and believed they were actually singing.
- was reduced to fucking tears when I found out they actually weren't.
- sang Bette Midler's "The Rose" solo in front of 300 horrified fellow students.
- took The Cure very seriously.
- totally believed that "to be great is to be misunderstood."
- frowned incessantly
- constantly told other people that they were being so immature.
- formed a "V" club with three fellow virgins, complete with secret handshake and ID card.
- wore combat boots because it was just so rebellious.
- confessed to my Bishop every time I kissed with tongue.
- said a prayer in my graduation speech because the evil ones were trying to take God out of the schools.
- when asked to submit a quote that said best how I wanted to be remembered chose, "Can't keep my mind from the circling sky, tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I," and thought, man, it doesn't get any deeper than that.
- wore a padded bra
- stalked a certain boy so aggressively that he once spotted me spying on him from behind a tree in his front yard.
- truly believed that the election of Bill Clinton was a sign of the times as outlined in the Book of Revelations.
I could go on and on and perhaps talk about my one gigantic eyebrow or the nappy hair that was long enough to hit my waistline, but I think I've adequately illustrated why the majority of my graduating class might not be looking forward to the return of the grumpy, Book of Mormon-wielding vigilante.
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FM Living
Christine said:
My God. I sang "The Rose" as a duet with my best friend from high school. Singing the rose in front of copious amounts of people is a rite of passage, me thinks.
02.06.03 - 09:30 AM / 1faith said:
Just be prepared for a complete Grosse Pointe Blank experience, and you'll be fine. Take a flask of vodka with you, slap your nametag (which is sure to have your senior photo on it) inside your coat, and hide in a corner somewhere.
Or maybe that only works for me.
02.06.03 - 09:31 AM / 2Beerzie Boy said:
Willingness to show big hair yearbook picture on blog: $10
Willingness to admit to attending a Milli Vanilli concert: $20
Willingness to admit to crying over the demise of Milli Vanilli: Shameless
02.06.03 - 09:31 AM / 3Jory said:
Those are some hot ass cheekbones.
But please, at my school, there was a full-on "Virgin Lip" club, those who had never kissed anyone (I fessed up to thinking this was a club for those who had never performed oral sex, and I swear to god, the whole school practically disfellowshipped me.)
Did I mention I went to school in Utah (did I need to?)
02.06.03 - 09:37 AM / 4Buckosmack said:
Sweetie, just don't tell me you think that's actually Brittney singing live up there and all is forgiven.
02.06.03 - 09:39 AM / 5Sarahallison said:
"constantly told other people they were being so immature"---eek and look at her now, and all her poop talk. (me playing the girl you hated from high school)
02.06.03 - 09:39 AM / 6alison said:
we had a "V" club, too, with a secret sign. you made a peace sign and put it near your eye, like so. it was supposed to be a secret sign, but i think everyone knew we were virgins.
02.06.03 - 09:44 AM / 7esther said:
whoa, girl. your normally refined and elegant bone structure has frighteningly fatless joan-rivers-esque proportions in that photo.
also, i agree that High school is like the best and scariest show ever. that girl natasha may be a bitch but the tall girl is scary. "my future husband"? please.
02.06.03 - 09:45 AM / 8Mr. TP said:
you have come a looong way baby. i think its time to show all them naysayers that your not a virgin anymore. oh yeah you might want to get a "cammel back" for all the booze you will need. acutally i had a great time at mine, but only 4 people rememberd my name. weird.
02.06.03 - 09:46 AM / 9Scott said:
Ye gods, woman, how did you ever escape and become sane?
02.06.03 - 09:47 AM / 10Jen said:
Cheers to growing up!
02.06.03 - 09:54 AM / 11hartwell said:
Apparently scary song performances were a sign o' the times... I sang "Let's hear it for the boy" (from the Footloose soundtrack) at a school talent show, complete with original choreography and my own clothing design. Very, very scary.
02.06.03 - 09:54 AM / 12the propagandist said:
the bishops kiss with tongue?
02.06.03 - 10:02 AM / 13Sheila said:
Correlation between long, heavy hair then vs. bouncy, cheeky hair now?
02.06.03 - 10:03 AM / 14The Drifter said:
dooce, i love you like a sister now, but i get the feeling we would have HATED each other in high school, mainly because every mormon girl i went to school with was like you, and y'all just stressed me out way too much (one of many reasons i never plan to attend a high school reunion -- another being nobody could ever live down the head fulla mullett i had)
02.06.03 - 10:04 AM / 15joseph said:
I have a similar kind of dream often. but i'm still in college, and it's gradeschool I often have to go back to. For differant reasons each time. Sometimes it's just a class... offered at the gradeschool...
yeah, and there's always a mix of kids from differant eras in my life. but the teachers, the teachers are all the same.
02.06.03 - 10:04 AM / 16antisocial diva said:
i watch that show too and it freaks me out how most of them haven't changed and the ones that have, well, desperately want the respect of the "in crowd" which just blows my mind. i hated high school. i didn't go to my ten year reunion. and it BUGS me that there are people out there who think that high school was the best time of their lives. blah. but, anyway, the latest show is being repeated tonight and i can't wait!
02.06.03 - 10:11 AM / 17Miss Mea-Mea said:
Good Grief. What bomb went off in your life to do such a complete turnaround? And are you planning on pulling some sort of truly outrageous prank at the reunion to totally shock everyone whene they see you?
02.06.03 - 10:26 AM / 18Katie said:
My quote in the yearbook:
"Don't walk in the sun if your head is made of wax -- Ben Franklin"
I can't imagine what possessed me (I can't remember choosing that, either).
Scary stuff. I was one of five (5!) of my classmates that went on to graduate from college, out of 65 total.
02.06.03 - 10:33 AM / 19Splinter said:
Actually, I think you look beautiful in that picture. And I like your hair. And I'm not kissing up to you. And and and.
I also loved Milli Vanilli. And the sad part about it is that even though I found out they weren't doing the actual singing, I still loved them. And I never did find out who was doing the singing for them. I love "Blame it ont he rain." But that's just me.
I'm a loser like that. :o) I enjoyed your entry, Dooce.
02.06.03 - 10:45 AM / 20Naaman said:
I somehow managed to take many, many pictures for my yearbook, but only appeared in one very tiny spot. Thank god!
Blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah!
02.06.03 - 10:51 AM / 21Kate the Great said:
Man, would I love to hear the story of your deconversion.
As for your reunion--DON'T GO! Mine is coming up in two years, and I'm already steeling myself against the dark urge that longs to know what's happened since that loathesome hot blonde overachiever got pregnant right after graduation.
By the way, I am the meanest. In case you hadn't noticed.
02.06.03 - 10:51 AM / 22the mighty jimbo said:
i was in a V club too!
i just couldn't get laid.
not for lack of trying.
02.06.03 - 10:51 AM / 23Naaman said:
I am publicly making a vow never to quote Milli Vanilli ever again. That fucking song is stuck in my head now!
02.06.03 - 10:53 AM / 24Splinter said:
Mine too Naaman! But it could be worse -- yesterday morning I woke up with the Juicyfruit jingle in my head and couldn't get it out for many hours. I'm sure now it's going to slip back into my mind and I'll give myself brain damage trying to get it out.
Get. Out. Damn. Song!
02.06.03 - 10:55 AM / 25peggy said:
I think you should go to your 10th. I missed mine but went to my 20th, only to discover that a guy I dated who used to look like Ted Bessell from "That Girl" had aged so much that he now looked like Leonard Nimoy. Don't say you weren't warned.
02.06.03 - 11:03 AM / 26Sarah B. said:
Is that some Caruso hot rolling system up in there?
Your pout is flawless.
02.06.03 - 11:08 AM / 27the media said:
too damn swass.
02.06.03 - 11:21 AM / 28sourbob said:
My nightmares all involve a certain spinster AP Physics teacher. *Shudder* I swear to gawd, if you say her name, I'll fly out to Utah and follow you around for weeks yelling out that AP English teacher's name.
02.06.03 - 11:35 AM / 29Kristin said:
What's scary is that I see so many parallels to my school experience...just replace Mormon with Catholic and Milli Vanilli with New Kids on the Block...of course they were really singing, but in a pretty embarassing way!
02.06.03 - 11:37 AM / 30