Alpha Bits
Over the weekend we had dinner with some friends whose 6-yr old daughter was lamenting the fact that because her last name begins with an "S" she is always put at the back of the alphabetical line in her class at school. And she had several suggestions as to how to remedy her situation, among them switching her last name and her first name so that she could go by Stuart Carrie. When I pointed out that Stuart sounds like a boy's name she shrugged and said she was totally okay with that, as long as she got to be at the front of the line. I wish I had my priorities as straight.
When I was in grade school the alphabetical arrangement of kids in my class wasn't that big of a deal, primarily because I was an "H" and was always situated toward the front of the line which was perfectly fine by me. I never really wanted to be the first person in line because the first person in line was a walking target, a human shield, the first to get shot or struck with an arrow. If anything bad was going to happen it would happen to the first person in line, and the first person in line was usually Adam Armstrong who definitely had cooties and deserved to die.
But my last name is now Armstrong, which means my kids will always be put at the very front of alphabetical arrangements, especially if we decide to name them alliteratively which I'm totally itching to do. I myself was named alliteratively because my father always wanted to be able to step outside on a warm summer night and holler through cupped hands, "Come hither Heather Hamilton." I just like the ring of Asparagus Armstrong, but that name might get my child killed.
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FM Living
the husband said:
I was thinking more along the lines of Asswipe Armstrong.
02.17.03 - 08:16 AM / 1antisocial diva said:
my mother was going to name me myrtle which would have aged me 65 years automatically. regarding last names, i am an "f" and was always, always after toby fagan (a wrestler hottie) and brett fauver (an asshole who hated me in high school because his best friend dated me yet had the balls to ask me out after college) except for 12th grade english when i was behind jolee farah (a total ditz but i loved her hair) who didn't know how to pronounce "hyperbole."
02.17.03 - 08:18 AM / 2SB said:
When naming kids, you need to think in terms of your everyday usage ("Gus - time for dinner"), what you'll say during those more trying times ("Asparagus Armadillo Armstrong, get your butt in here and explain why your little brother is duct-taped to the kitchen table!"), and what their peers will call them ("Hey, Ass...")
02.17.03 - 08:26 AM / 3leandra said:
I think it's awful that I wasted time lamenting about being an "S" as a kid, but now I'm a "G" and I still can't find my damn paycheck in the monthly stack on the first try.
02.17.03 - 08:28 AM / 4david said:
my last name starts with an M - and i decided that i absolutely love the boys' name 'miles' [after miles davis] - and the middle name 'atticus' [after to kill a mockingbird] - miles atticus miller.
but to name a boy alliteratively, go with atticus. such a cool old name. however, i believe that plain names will soon be the new cool. millions of jasons, alans and bills will rise again - once the current crop of peculiarly-named maximilians, aidans and evans begin waning in poopularity...
02.17.03 - 08:33 AM / 5Kyle Flood said:
This is an issue my wife and I are having to deal with (naming a kid, that is...). For a boy we both love the name Noah, but with a last name like Flood that might be too cruel.
02.17.03 - 08:40 AM / 6Wayne said:
My last name starts with "W." Plus, as a kid, I was tall and geeky (okay, not just as a kid...).
Guess how much time I spent in the back?
--
The "Come hither Heather Hamilton" comment reminds me of the old Steve Martin bit:
"My mother named my sister and me HoyHoyHoyHoy and Pbpbpbpbpbpb....We had to move a lot."
02.17.03 - 08:43 AM / 7Cros said:
You can kill two birds with one stone -- meaning the desire for alliteration AND the necessity for snappy porn star names in the future -- if you go with Long Dong Armstrong.
02.17.03 - 08:43 AM / 8r3 said:
My first, middle and last name all begin with r -- and I've always though this was totally cool.
When you name your kids, give them 3 a's.
To antisocial diva--my mother's middle name was Myrtle--and she hated it. One of the worst names ever devised.
02.17.03 - 08:43 AM / 9the mighty jimbo said:
heh, i just wrote about this kinda thing myself.
at least armstrong is a nice pleasant last name -the perils from the front of the line not withstanding. could have been blessed with the name hurlbutt or buttram or wilphart.
02.17.03 - 08:47 AM / 10john said:
I really wanted to name our first-born Cooper but we chickened out thinking about the tormenting he would recieve being called "Pooper" in his formative years.
Connor is nice but Cooper would have been cooler.
Since then I've run into a couple of celebs (well, run into mentions of them anyway) who have named a child Cooper, but I suppose being a star's child gives you the upper hand to the taunters...
02.17.03 - 08:48 AM / 11zchamu said:
I went to school in an area that had had a massive amount of Scottish immigration in the 1800s. Most kids' names started with M, and likely Mac or Mc. So in your average class, there would be 5 kids who were "Adams" or "Bailey" or "Evans", then 20 kids who were "MacAndrews", "MacCartney," "MacDoogle", "MacFitzHerbert", etc. So as an Mc, I came after all those damn Macs, and was usually about the fourth last in line. I longed to change my name, too - to anything that didn't start with M. Friggin immigrants.
02.17.03 - 08:52 AM / 12EC said:
You also have to be careful that what you name him/her doesn't rhyme with something else unsavory. I mean, who would name their child Brodey? Imagine all of the teasing that kid will get--Grody Brodey, grody, Brodey. They obviously didn't think that through. My husband wouldn't even let me think of naming my child Lorenzo, Mario or Ivan (in Spanished pronounced Yvonne). Reading the comments, I am reminded of that commercial where the the guy keeps calling the man "Dumb-ass" and the guy finally tells him it's pronounced "Doo-maas."
02.17.03 - 09:05 AM / 13blue said:
If my partner and I were to combine our last names, we'd come up with either "Vanwaki" or possibly "Makwyck". In highschool I already had sniggering friends calling me Vanwaki, which leads me to believe that our children might suffer...
02.17.03 - 09:06 AM / 14Prudey McPruderson said:
speaking of porn names... okay, just speaking of porn, ron jeremy was here two weeks ago doing stand-up comedy and neither my wife nor i knew who he was. none of our friends will hang out with us now. apparently, we're a disappointment to all porn watching couples out there
02.17.03 - 09:06 AM / 15Donna said:
Being at the front of the line means you get first pick at the buffet table.
02.17.03 - 09:08 AM / 16sourbob said:
Re: Asswipe Armstrong
Ever see the Ivan Brunetti cartoon where one parent of a newborn cheerfully says to the other: "Let's name him 'Faggot'"?
02.17.03 - 09:09 AM / 17lee said:
That makes me think of a friend of mine whose father is a gynecologist. He named all of his children with the initials T.S.S. How fucked up is that?
02.17.03 - 09:10 AM / 18Katherine said:
I can complete relate to this topic. As a member of the Arthurs clan, I was always placed at the front of the line, and worse front of the class. First seat, first row...except in high school if Jim Arthur (no 's' on his name) was in my class then I had true joy of first row, second seat. I love Jim for this reason...he was a good guy to take the bullet for me.
02.17.03 - 09:11 AM / 19JSN said:
Having the little twerps in grade school taunt you in some rhymy way using your name isn't going to scar anyone for life. I think a good, unusual name helps in the fight to grow up interesting. My brother always threatens to name his firstborn Theopolis Girdis, be it male or female. I'm all for it.
Armstrong is a good name. You can really go for the power names with that! Just look at LANCE Armstrong, and his fortuitously named son LUKE Armstrong. How can the boy go wrong?
02.17.03 - 09:18 AM / 20cyn said:
When I was in school my last name started Ab. I was guaranteed to always be first. The only good thing was I usually got to sit right up front by the door...
02.17.03 - 09:25 AM / 21shy said:
i was always near the end. buggers. the only time i was in the front was when we were lined up for our class photo. this was arranged by height. i was always the shortest. and therefore, picked on relentlessly. and i was also always, therefore, sitting in front row for the photo. i really hated being in the front row. of course, i also hated being the shortest in class.
02.17.03 - 09:31 AM / 22ME said:
You should name the child Asshole Armstrong (pronounced A-Show-Lay). Tell everyoen it's French or something
02.17.03 - 09:56 AM / 23rosebaby said:
because it's always about the dog... it's interesting at the dog park to yell "Buck, off!"
02.17.03 - 09:57 AM / 24Hank said:
I think Carrie is doomed to fall in love with a guy named Greg Zoozle.
02.17.03 - 10:02 AM / 25PJ said:
Growing up with a fairly ethnic name that was constantly being mispronounced, I thought when I got married all that would be over, changing to one of the most common names in the country (OK, it's Johnson). Within months, I had idiots asking me "How do you spell that?"
When I was expecting, I liked 'Leah' for a girl's name. "Over my dead body", said my husband. "I'm not having anyone say about MY daughter: Let's go LAY-A Johnson." Point taken. It was a boy anyway.
To The Husband: That brings to mind an old SNL sketch where the poor man has to remind them that it is pronounced " oz-WEEP-ay."
02.17.03 - 10:03 AM / 26Heather #2 said:
My parents thought it would be cool to name me such that my initials would spell a word. I was HARK for twenty years. Then I became HARP. (I'm kinda regretting that decision. Fucking cheating husband.)
02.17.03 - 10:07 AM / 27Mb. said:
My last name's Balara, so I was always the second kid in line, which was great - when Adam Armstrong gets hit by an arrow, I've always got first dibs on his stuff.
02.17.03 - 10:18 AM / 28Shane said:
I used to have a Stretch Armstrong when I was a kid.
02.17.03 - 10:32 AM / 29Renee said:
My dad wanted to go with the alliteration, mom said "hell no". If dad had his way, my destiny would have been decided by his naming me and I'd be a porn star. That and my initals would be NMN. I hear the taunts already.
02.17.03 - 10:46 AM / 30