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Even more important than a pop tart

A few days ago our occasional babysitter brought over her sister's miniature pinscher, Bronx, and without thinking I let them into the living room before running it by our resident Gremlin of the Underworld. When Chuck saw Bronx he performed the ritual sniffing of the sacred regions and then determined that Bronx was a chocolate treat clad in argyle wrapping.

Three times I had to prevent Chuck from eating Bronx before I realized that by letting Bronx into the house I had triggered Chuck's instinctual need to protect his territory. So I ordered everyone outside where the two dogs could meet on neutral ground, and once we were up the street on an indiscriminate stretch of sidewalk Chuck got Bronx halfway into his mouth before the argyle sweater got caught on his front teeth.

Chuck hasn't ever been a vocal dog, reserving his few barks for the taxidermist who lives next door and sometimes for a snowman across the street who he thinks is a strange man spying on the house. A few weeks ago the taxidermist's wife rolled out a stuffed ox? or a mountain goat? maybe a yak? into their front yard and parked it like a statue next to their porch. Thing liked to have scared the shit out of me, it looked so alive and capable of forming complex sentence structures. The evil part of me took over when I walked Chuck right up to it and just as his hackles went up I roared like a lion being violated by a taxidermist's arm. Our dog jumped three feet into the air without a running start, and now he won't pass that house without being carried.

I understand why he's angry at the resurrected livestock, but I couldn't figure out why after almost an hour of interaction he wanted to tear Bronx's limbs from his tiny chocolate body. At first I thought it might be the two gigantic balls hanging intact between Bronx's legs, or the way Bronx would rub those intact balls in a rhythmic motion against Chuck's face. And then I thought it was the way Bronx flitted about the living room in a distinctly cat-like fashion, often gliding across the two-inch beam on the back of the couch like a gymnast or a flamboyantly gay ice skater.

It wasn't until Leta came running into the living room that it all made sense, and it was then that we witnessed the embodiment of what we had hoped the relationship between the dog and the baby would one day become. Chuck immediately threw his body in front of Leta, and the more she tried to work her way around him, the more forcefully he used his body to shield her from the Chocolate Cat.

Bronx tried to contort his body in unimaginable ways to get at Leta -- kids are always covered in dried food and must seem like giant walking lollipops to dogs -- but Chuck growled and bared his teeth as a warning that he would sacrifice his own body before he would let his sister be defiled. We've never seen him be so protective of something, not even a rawhide bone or a slice of beef jerky. Leta should feel lucky because I can't think of a better compliment from a living creature.

03.02.2006 Chuck, Daily comments closed

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  • eddeaux said:

    OMW - you are still the Queen of funny...

    "like a gymnast or a flamboyantly gay ice skater."

    03.02.06 - 08:24 AM / 1
  • PaintingChef said:

    And some people have the nerve to say that animals have no emotions...

    03.02.06 - 08:26 AM / 2
  • eddeaux said:

    Did you forget to turn off these comments? I am so giddy that comments are on that I have to leave one more.

    03.02.06 - 08:27 AM / 3
  • Samara said:

    I heart Chuck. If there was a dog president I think he would be a fine candidate.

    03.02.06 - 08:28 AM / 4
  • hopefulloser said:

    I'm jealous our cats don't respond this way. Although one of them did try to mount our daughter when she was in the crawling stage. He would also run around with her binky in his mouth. That's all quite dog-like.

    03.02.06 - 08:28 AM / 5
  • Amy said:

    Wow, you're keeping comments on?! Leta is lucky to have Chuck. I wonder if my ferocious cat will be protective of my new baby when it comes or try to eat it.

    03.02.06 - 08:29 AM / 6
  • Wicked H said:

    And that is why the Former Congressman ROCKS!!!

    03.02.06 - 08:31 AM / 7
  • Nina said:

    Leta is a lucky little girl. She just better not have any argyle covered boyfriends in the future. (but then if her boyfriends are argyle covered, perhaps it's okay if Chuck wants to eat them?)

    03.02.06 - 08:32 AM / 8
  • WarmHeatherette said:

    Nothing better than seeing your "first" baby grow protective of the "second" one. Chuck gets my vote for president.

    03.02.06 - 08:32 AM / 9
  • Wayne said:

    Adorable. Chuck is the best.

    When I was a kid, our small cocker-spaniel/poodle mix would bare its teeth and growl whenever my father spanked us. Once he even got his teeth locked on the cuff of my father's jeans. I know it's not fashionable to assign animals emotions, but there was something there that went beyond instinct, it seemed.

    Anyway, I enjoyed reading this.

    03.02.06 - 08:34 AM / 10
  • dayslikethese said:

    Hilarious! Chocolate Dog! I love the sweater. Chuck for president. The Chocolate Dog for best dressed. You've got my vote.

    Chuck seems to be very protective and that's a good thing. I can recall a moment when Leta thought it would be a good idea to go down the steps and he protected her from tumbling down. He's a genius! I love it, love it, love it.

    03.02.06 - 08:34 AM / 11
  • untitledlife.com said:

    Dogs always do something sugary sweet and endearing like this right before they puke up gummy bears on your sofa. It's their way of keeping balance in the world.

    03.02.06 - 08:35 AM / 12
  • Molicious said:

    Wow, comments again huh? Cool!

    That dog is just the cutest. But not as cute (or even precious) as Chuck.

    03.02.06 - 08:36 AM / 13
  • Thérèse said:

    That's adorable.

    Oddly enough, my (enormous attack/guard) cat does that for my (jittery yet thank god not yappy chiwawa/terrier) dog.

    03.02.06 - 08:38 AM / 14
  • verymerryseamstress said:

    prac·tice dog (prak'tis dawg): a sweater-clad pseudo-canine-rat creature that indecisive people will adopt to ensure they can someday commit to owning a real Chuck-sized dog.

    03.02.06 - 08:38 AM / 15
  • jes said:

    When thinking of Chuck in this way, all that came to mind was:

    "I need a herooooo - I'm holding out for a heeeroo til the end of the niiigheetttttt!

    "He's gooootta be strong, and he's goooootta be fast and he's goootta be fresh from the fiiight...I neeeeed a heeeeerooooooo!"

    And then I started thinking about Footloose, and how I haven't seen it since I was in middle school and watched it every day when I got home, and I think this song is playing when they're in that tractor chicken-fight, right?

    And then I was imagining Chuck running down that road, playing Chicken with the Argyle Sweater. Er, Bronx.

    And Chuck totally won. Argyle ended up floating down the river.

    03.02.06 - 08:40 AM / 16
  • Joel Cheatwood said:

    Love that! When our kids were small we had a Shetland Sheepdog (Sheltie)who was exactly that way. Whenever we raised our voices even a little towards the kids he would position himself between us and them, which was kind of annoying and wonderful all at the same time. When strangers would come to the house he would immediately locate the kids and stay in close proximity. I'm pretty sure that's why I became a dog person.

    03.02.06 - 08:41 AM / 17
  • Kem White said:

    I love the pictures of Bronx. But those ears! They're amazing. He's like the dog batboy would own.
    K-

    03.02.06 - 08:41 AM / 18
  • Erin said:

    Oh how I loves me some animal stories.

    03.02.06 - 08:42 AM / 19
  • monkey said:

    Animals are great like that. They have this whole indifferent act till shit goes down, and then suddenly it's like "Aww...so ya DO care!" My cat is the same way. When we're watching him he acts as though my younger son doesn't even exist. But then we catch him sneaking in the boys' bedroom and keeping an eye on them, especially if one of them is sick. I just figured he has a "cool" act.
    Kudos to giving Chuck a phobia of the house next door! LOL We used to do things like that all the time to our dogs. I feel horrible, but damn it was funny!

    03.02.06 - 08:44 AM / 20
  • Devon said:

    Chocolate treat in argoyle wrapping... hahhahaha. What a description! I've chuckled quietly to myself about this much of the morning.

    03.02.06 - 08:44 AM / 21
  • Bucky Four-Eyes said:

    Just please, please, PLEASE don't let this teach Leta lessons about hatin' on argyle. Argyle is so misunderstood in our society. Just say "no" to argyle abuse.

    And Chuck could totally use Bronx' legs as toothpicks when he gets done devouring him.

    03.02.06 - 08:45 AM / 22
  • Kelly said:

    OMG - I really shouldn't read this at work. Your writing cracks me up Heather!

    03.02.06 - 08:47 AM / 23
  • christy said:

    Just teach that dog to cook and you have free, instant babysitting for life.

    03.02.06 - 08:47 AM / 24
  • jacks said:

    I love stories about Chuck. They make me smile.

    03.02.06 - 08:47 AM / 25
  • Jon Z. said:

    Hmmmmm ... I used to be a military police k-9 handler; sounds to me like Chuck might have found a career path.

    03.02.06 - 08:48 AM / 26
  • Tim in Flyover Country said:

    You wouldn't see a cat trying to protect Leta like that would you? This is why dogs rock! Why can't more former congressmen be like Chuckles?

    03.02.06 - 08:50 AM / 27
  • Janine said:

    No way dude...you're leaving comments on??

    I'm sorry to say: but Bronx is quite ratlike in appearance.

    Nonetheless, my dog, the world's largest carnivourous baby, probably would have immediately gone through the ritual of smelling said ratlike pup and then running in terror from it. Normally, this entails him hiding behind me and then barking at other animals from the safety of behind my legs.

    Yes, my dog would gladly sacrifice me to the ratlike creature to protect his own netherregions from being sniffed.

    03.02.06 - 08:50 AM / 28
  • Sorenson said:

    I grew up with big, hairy, protective dogs (Briards). As a trade for keeping us safe, they received a lot of love and exclusive use of our clothing as post-drink-of-water napkins. Good times.

    03.02.06 - 08:50 AM / 29
  • Bird Lover said:

    I also have a small dog (miniature weiner dog named Nelly). She does not have the protective instincts that Chuck has. It is all about her. Kayla who? The only time Nelly hangs out around Kayla is when she is eating, has eaten, or is thinking about eating.

    If Kayla were in imminent danger Nelly would politely move out of harm's way. I can't really blame her for not being more aggressive. Her teeth are the size of baby corn so the most she could is give you a rash if she bit you.

    03.02.06 - 08:50 AM / 30
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