"If you really knew what you were doing, you wouldn't be using [a command line FTP client]."

Putting on my sweater over a shirt before I'm about to go home my Irish ex-boss says to me "If it looks as good coming off as it looks going on, your boyfriend is a lucky man." Classy.

my (former) boss asked for clippings of my nether hairs to verify that my hair color was my actual hair color, which at the time it was. he wanted other stuff, but that was kind of the weirdest. "pull up your skirt when you're talking to me" is virtually pedestrian. fortunately i was still vibrant enough to weather bloated lonely men with itty bitty bitty members and big imaginations.
happy anniversary! because frogs are a zillion times better than bad bosses!!

Me: I just sent you an email with the documentation for the web site.

Boss: Okay, let me take a look. (sits down at computer)

Me (long, awkward pause): Um, you know you're in Microsoft Word?

Boss: Of course, stupid. This is where I get all of my email.

(points at very annoying Office Assistant as it animates in the corner of his screen)

Boss: (has "I'm so smart" smug look on face) Look - Here comes your email now!

Me: (backs away slowly, then breaks into a run straight to another company)

"I'm here at the tradeshow to present brand new software that I, as president of my own company, helped develop. But I forgot to bring my laptop, yeah, the one with the presentation on it. Can you ship it [cross-border] so it gets to me by the end of the day?"

I once had a fast-food manager outline in great detail what a 'golden shower' was and how thrilled he was to receive one from his wife on their honeymoon.

I was in high school, and even at that young age, thought "How gross, his wife finally had the ring on her finger, and she still felt the need to mark her territory."

"Uh, Alex...how do you keep your teeth so white?" this was said by my very first boss as she looked in the mirror picking out black shit from in between her two front teeth. My reply was, "I brush them."

Other than that, all of my bosses have been mild mannered and sadly, shock-free.

My boss did a vanity search on my name and found my blog. This was when he decided he needed to start accumulating reasons for pushing me out after I refused to side with him against the entire department on matters too stupid and long to get inot here. Anyway, while I didn't write anything about anyone or any goings-on there, I had written some things after my stint at IBM. He found a post where I mentioned taking a personal day and going to Borders and then to a coffee shop and started yelling at me, cornering me in my cube and flailing his arms about. He said "This is fucking bullshit! How the hell do I know that when you take a sick day you aren't just running around shopping and sipping lattes. Or, maybe you're just surfing the net and wiping your ass to my stupidity! This is fucking bullshit!"

On the last declaration of bullshit, his finger -- the one he'd been pointing in my face for several seconds -- actually made contact. The next day I went to HR and the rest is history (I'm currently collecting unemployment).

"Don't deposit your paycheck until NEXT Wednesday"

Paydays are Tuesday.

worked in a candy store for four years- district manager said: "have you ever given a blow job with these pop rocks in your mouth? it's great!"

has it been two years already? no schoolgirl comments, but tied for first for me are 1) "your fired for doing _x_". when i said i didn't do x, they came back 10 minutes later and said "nevermind, you're not fired, you're right, it wasn't your fault". and 2) "i'm sorry that your grandmother just died, but you can't leave until you finish making your sales calls".

happy frog smiles. give chuck a hug from buck.

Working as a radio news director, I was once told, "We don't care about the news. Your job is to make us SOUND like we care about the news." I gave notice shortly afterward.

Well, while working in a hotel bar/night club run by a family of coke heads, the main boss guy was always a pervert. After working there for six months or so, I find myself restocking the beer fridges alone with him and he says 'I'd love to get a closer look at those pink panties'. I was pretty sure I was wearing black ones and I brushed it off as him being weird. Upon discovering that I was, in fact, wearing pink panties I just about had a heart attack. HTF did he know that?

Well, mine isn't as good as everyone elses, but this is the dumbest I've gotten yet...

I was at work and not feeling well (think retail), and so I started with the vomitting and looking pale as a ghost. My boss told me I couldn't leave, but that I could go lie down in the break room. So I did (Yes, dumb on my part, should have left). Things got worse, and when I did go home, I went to the pharmacist to ask if I could take anything. She said there was a bug going around...
Next day, call in sick. My boss, who had seen me sick, pale, out-of-it crazy, and all sick smelly, actually said she was going to need a note from the doctor excusing my absence. I told her that if the day before wasn't proof enough then this was my immediate notice. She proceeded to chew me out for my unprofessionalism, and I let her have it. I then went and puked. I felt much better a couple of days later.

My boss once came to my desk, bend over and whispered in my ear with a naughty smile on his face :
"Are those real??". I looked into his eyes with an innocent smile and said , like , seriously :"Well , when I decided to have that sex change surgery, I made clear that I wanted,not only to remove my penis, but also to have some nice ,large boobs". And then he asked : "Shut up , you were a guy ??" with a larger smile and a very excited look in his eyes.
HOLY. SHIT.
I should´ve had the idea of creating my own website then, because after that I SO wanted to get fired.
He kept making some really sick homossexual comments in my desk and asked me out every weekend of the next month that I worked there. And dude,like ,the guy was married. To a woman .
Why I didn’t sue that company is one of the true mysteries of MY life too.
I had nightmares for a decade ,and I´m still looking for the right support group.