Exclamation point, Late Winter Edition
Thursday, March 15 2007
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Daily, Email
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I was all set to sit down and write a lengthy treatise on the sinusitis that has paralyzed the entire right side of my face, and maybe draw a picture for you of the x-ray that showed how my maxillary sinus is filled to overflowing with goo. My doctor acted giddy when he saw the x-ray, flew open the door to the room and said THIS IS SO COOL. Which, okay, I guess I don't hear that every day, thanks for appreciating the beauty of my infected sinus recess. I have worked very hard on it.
But then I got a thoughtfully hateful email in my inbox this morning and realized I have deprived you of my hatemail for far too long (the last installment was posted over three months ago). I have been selfish in keeping them all to myself, these delicate, fragrant blossoms of humanity, and I knew that you would agree that a diagram of my sinus goo couldn't possibly compete with the heartwarming sentiments of the following poetry. Although it would come very, very close.
The first one is from highfly2234, a repeat hatemailer whose grace and charm remind me of a dry, itchy crotch:
Now let me get this straight...you actually blog for a living? If your webaite doesn't demonstrate that any idiot can make a living by posting crap on the internet, I don't know what does. You have a great scam going on let me tell you. Write letters to your daughter, post pictures of your dog and ...AND GET PAID for it. Wow you're living the American Dream...sitting around your house with a camera on your neck just waiting for SOMEBODY...ANYBODY...to do SOMETHING...that I CAN WRITE ABOUT.
Yeah I don't see you regretting your life 20 years from at all.
You're an absolute joke of the worst kind...GET A FRIGGIN LIFE.
And I hope your dog runs away and never comes back because that would be the best day ever!
This is blowing my mind. How did he know? Because my day is pretty much exactly as he described it, right down to the ellipses. Except, he forgot one very important thing: I totally have awesome lip gloss.
And in 20 years when I regret my life? I WILL STILL HAVE AWESOME LIP GLOSS.
Here is one of my favorite pieces of hatemail ever for the sole reason that it was sent to me by someone named Deland. With a name like that you just know that his mama can fry up a chicken:
Hi my name is deland i'm from salt lake i seen your story in the paper so I thought i would check out your blog . Well I think its Lousy it really sucks I bet the only thing U R GOOD AT IS SUCKING ON DICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Internet, that is 14 exclamation points. Not a record by any means, but a good effort, don't you think? I like how he threw in such a naughty word, too, because where the exclamation points failed to make an impression, that word certainly brought his email to life. DICKS! It's like, BEAVERS AND DUCKS! Which I like to randomly scream at children who knock on my door.
Up next is one from Paul:
Yes, yes you have to be one of the most pathetic people I have ever seen in my life. for God's sake (and I'm not even religious) please stop abusing your child.
I think this email would have been better had he given specific examples to demonstrate his point, and maybe thrown in a numbered list or an outline, because which instance of abuse is he referring to? All of them? Only one? Just the ones involving drill bits? That one time I buried her in jello? HELP ME OUT, PAUL.
Next is one from the always diplomatic Anonymous:
Your family should sue you too. I've enjoyed your blog but I thnk that you have some serious issues. I read about your legal battles, your depression and all of your other problems, and I can't help but think that bad things keep happening to you because you are a bad person. I mean look at how much you husband and your child have suffered because of you, and the more publicity you try to get for yourself the more awful things seem to happen in your life. In addition when your child gets older and goes to school everyone there could know that her mother is literally crazy. Imagine how hard that will be for her. Why are you doing this to your family? Do you really need the money that badly?
I get the feeling that this means I should stop trying to hit Mormons with my car.
Which is kind of an appropriate segue into this email from Durga:
I think it's funny how u hate mormonism and mormons in general but still choose to live in Utah among them.Why not save yourself the daily depression and angst and just move?It makes you look pathetic when you say that it is still the best place to raise children.
I have explained this before, but let me make this clear one more time IF I HAVE TO: I choose to remain in Utah because of all the free tampons. IS THAT SO WRONG?
Here's another one from another person named Anonymous, what seems to be the second most popular name for children behind Emma:
Why did you turn comments off? Mad because they point out that you are medicated fool? That you really have nothing going on? That you really aren't that sharp? That you act irresponsibly and foolishly? That you aren't that attractive?
This is a very thoughtful question, Anonymous, and I can understand why you might be frustrated that you cannot post your fully-formed love for me in my comments. Maybe this will help you understand why I do the things I do (TAKE NOTE, PAUL, I AM MAKING A LIST):
1. I do not open comments on every post because I do not think every post needs any additional commentary, or because I am not going to be around to make sure everyone is playing nicely.
2. On posts that do allow comments, I usually close them within 24-48 hours because the discussion has usually ended at that point. Plus, it keeps everyone nimble.
3. Occasionally I will turn comments off earlier without warning just so that I can get email like yours, full of bravery and courage, a warm kiss on the nose like a steaming Prozac burp.
A distressed reader, Maurice, writes:
Hi there! I love your column, but am getting rather tired of your dog pictures. Take pictures of each other, the house, the neighbors, Leta or gold fish, but ENOUGH with the dog.
Jeez oh pete.
Dear Maurice,
Love,
Heather
This next one isn't really a hatemail, but I thought I would share it here anyway just to give you a glimpse as to the amazing things people feel like they need to say to me. From Jamuna:
I just felt inspired to remind you of something that I think you already know but forgot when I read your post about anxiety today. It's just this: when you eat animals that have been to the slaughterhouse, you are likely consuming on a more subtle and energetic level the adrenaline, fear and anxiety that they almost certainly experienced just before death. The anxiety you are feeling is not just your own but also the feelings of the dead animals.
If this is true, and do I ever hope it is, then the cow that I ate last night must have been feeling very plump and juicy right before they chopped off his head.
And finally, an email from a reader named Amy, and the only way I can explain some of the punctuation is to believe that she typed it with her forehead:
I just started reading. blogs like last week. I do'nt really care what mundan nerds do and then write about. But, you are so cynical. I c'ant get why you would have such a depressed. blase, I dont give a fuck, mean-spirited-attitude. Is that supposed to be "cool?" Its really dorky. Even the "dooce" thing is dorky...what is that? poo? a gambling reference? (SAHF) or a Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass? what does that mean? its soooo fuckin dumb....
oh, the only reason I feel compelled to do this, is cuz you get paid for it and its your job. Therefore, I am within my right to criticize. I certainly would'nt go picking on some 14 year olds blog, about the same mentality tho...
Amy, if you read my FAQ (that stands for FuckingAssQuaaludes, in case you were wondering) you'll see that the "dooce" thing is not a reference to poo, although if you want to believe that, then I guess you are well within your rights to do so, and I certainly won't stop you. You are also well within your rights to insert an apostrophe anywhere you think it seems cute -- I particularly like the one in c'ant, right there at the beginning, like it's flashing CONTRACTION AHEAD! CONTRACTION AHEAD! and I do appreciate the warning -- but this means that I am well within my rights to assume that you are the type of person who hangs Christmas wreaths on the front of her pick-up.
1. Bluestalking Reader said:
Holy crap! Am I really comment # 1 on DOOCE? Better type friggin' fast. Is there a prize for this?
I love your blog all the time (thus the number of hits I give you), but when you expose the idiocy of these creeps, man, I could salute you. It may not really do anything for you, but I'd sure feel better.
Comment # 1! Man!
P.S.: Message from my two Jack Russell's to Chuck, "You rule, especially in the crap picture."
2. MommyofOne said:
Oh, that picture of Chuck!
I love your blog Heather. I am always amazed at how you respond to your "Exclamation point" mail. No temper tantrum, just the perfect combination of sarcasm and aloof-ness. Thank you for the laugh today!
3. jenlovely said:
oh heather,
i feel bad for the people who have nothing better to do than email you poorly written criticisms. (not that my grammar is all that great.) keep a sense of humor about it.
so how awkward do you think chuck felt when you decided to snap a shot of him about to drop a poo?
nice timing!
4. fachingnuts said:
Dear Heather,
Thank you for making me spray my monitor with water.
Love,
Sara
P.S. It almost came out my nose too. I know you would really want to know that. :)
5. Luckey_Girl said:
I hate that I love your hate mail so much. I don't love the people...but sweet Jesus, they are entertaining. I just made a post about hate-mailers myself.
I love the Chuck pictures (especially today's) and I think it's great that your readers think that you're good at performing oral sex. That's a compliment.
I'll never look at my sauteed slaughtered animals the same, that's for sure.
6. cathy said:
Such good stuff. Truly.
God, idiots abound, don't they?
Love, love this blog and your writing.
Cheers!
7. bonkersmomof4 said:
Classic. Wonderful. The best of Dooce hatemail! And that pic of Chuck is just perfect.
Some people need to use a dictionary to look up the word sarcasm, then they need to go back to 5th grade grammar.
I think your site is wonderful, and anyone with a brain would think you are delightful!
By the way, the other day when you posted the pics of all the snow, I was almost compelled to email you a pic of a sunny, 75 degree, Memphis March day.
8. Monkee said:
So, when I'm horny, is that because the cow was really turned on by the S&M of it all?
9. Jessica Benes said:
Hahahaaa. I'm sitting at work trying to keep in the snorting chuckles that threaten to burst out at every e-mail. Don't people have anything better to do? (And I'm also quite astonished that I'm near the top in your comments). There's a reason you do get paid for this blog, and it's because you're entertaining enough that people keep coming back for more. Even the idiots who talk about dicks and what their rights are. This is too funny. I love you (in a purely non-sexual way).
10. Pandalena said:
I think this is the funniest post of yours I have read! I LOVED the picture! That should definitely make the calender next year!
11. flytrixie said:
I want to thank Maurice for providing the reason that Heather posted that particular photo of Chuck. It says it all, no words needed.
I can't stop laughing. I want that shot on the 2008 calendar, please.
12. Jett said:
There's isn't enough bleach in the world to to clean out the gene pool.
The lowest common denominator? Nobody said it would be a good thing.
On the upside, they may be, as I suspect pizza faced single celled creatures that somehow have enough brain function to press the POST button. Oh wait....they work for the government, that explains it all.
13. wifethereof said:
Thanks for the laughs! Love you Heather! The picture of Chuck-ROTFLMAO
14. Miraty said:
I can't believe how rude people can be! I love your blog! The people that are being asses about this being your job are just jealous. They probably have jobs like boil lancers or crusty ball washers. I like the pix of your dog! I do think the fish deserves some more lens time.
15. DravenStele said:
Heather, thank you for taking the abuse and for also sharing it with us. You made my day much brighter. Had I been drinking milk while reading your latest, my computer monitor would be covered with it. But, since I wasn't drinking milk, my sinuses just ache at the lack of anything to push against their violent spasms that occurred while guffawing at your responses (stinking midwest turn-about-weather). BRA-freaking-VO!!! You are a master of wit.
16. Reese said:
These people never cease to astound me with their asininity. Is that a word? You get the point. If they hate you SO much, WHY ARE THEY READING IT?! God, don't they know they can totally move on with their lives and never visit your page again?
Hang in there.
17. amandarin said:
I continue to be amazed by the amount of nonsensical vitriol that people are willing to fling from behind the thin veil of anonymity. Would they walk up to you on a street corner and say that?
Well, here in Los Angeles they might. Probably not in Utah, though.
I've been getting a lot of hate mail myself lately, but none quite so entertaining as yours. I need a higher (or is that lower?) quality of trolls!
18. JessicaP said:
The only way that picture of Chuck could be better would be if he were balancing a sippy cup on his face and had some noodles wrapped around his nose.
19. jdianeafrica said:
People are so jacked up and you highlight that nicely here. hilarious
20. JennyFS77 said:
I too think its crazy that you can support your whole family off a blog about your life's minutiae, but I'm no hater. The fact that you're hilarious goes a long way.
21. Therese said:
I love it when people find it in them to reach deep, deep into the warm tender parts of their assholes to find stuff to write to you.
Makes for good reading.
Well. When they get the punctuation right.
22. jane said said:
Oh, oh my. Where can I get that kind of well thought out prose for myself? It's just too rich and probably the real reason I blog myself - just in hopes that I, too, would be privy to such a good guffaw. My ass is on the floor. I done laughed it off.
23. Ellen said:
The picture of Chuck is TOTALLY the best part of this post! I laughed so hard I cried. Don't worry about the hatemailers, they're just idiots (who can't spell)
24. Urs said:
i was enjoying my selzer water very much. now it's all over my computer screen after reading the e-mail about anxiety. that is pure genius!
25. William said:
If what Jamuna says is true, what happens when one eats a hotdog or sausage?
26. Therese said:
Oh, and the only thing missing from that picture of Chuck is the poop. I think he was pooping, cause of the stance, but... hee hee hee. Yeah.
27. JJ said:
Re: Reese at comment 16... sure, asininity can be a word, and these people are just plain asininnies. They really dislike your blog so much that they have to spend their precious time registering and writing to tell you so? This brings them satisfaction in some manner? They soooooo don't have a life.
Keep up the good work, dooce, you're a great writer and very blessed that it can be your job too.
28. dmkaz said:
I can't understand why people feel compelled to criticize you - they're just jealous, I guess. I wish I could do what you do (so well), and get paid to do it. I'm just not that talented, but that doesn't mean that I can't appreciate your wonderful commentaries and insights.
Also - I really can't stand people who don't spell-check their venomous outbursts.
29. Lane Meyer said:
Oh how I love the shot of the dump Chuck.
People who waste their time writing hate mail are basically just that; a waste of time.
Dooce is #!...err, I mean #1
30. Kelly said:
Amusing, as always!
The first person thinks you should get a life, yet they read a blog they think sucks and then spend the time writing to let you know that. That's amusing to me. I, like that hate mailer, am jealous of you because you get paid for blogging (I give it away for free), but I love you for it anyway.
Jeez oh Pete! LOL. Who says that anymore?
The hot dog I had for dinner last night was SO HAPPY before it died.
Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass! 'Im m'aking! that, my n.ew nickn'ame.
31. The Mighty Jimbo said:
heather,
more than your blog revenue, your photos, your stories, and your dog's ability to balance more than one bone on his nose, i am insanely jealous of your hate mail.
you have great trolls. at least you share them.
thanks!
32. Kelly said:
Amusing, as always!
The first person thinks you should get a life, yet they read a blog they think sucks and then spend the time writing to let you know that. That's amusing to me. I, like that hate mailer, am jealous of you because you get paid for blogging (I give it away for free), but I love you for it anyway.
Jeez oh Pete! LOL. Who says that anymore?
The hot dog I had for dinner last night was SO HAPPY before it died.
Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass! 'Im m'aking! that, my n.ew nickn'ame.
33. carolb said:
I think it's great this is how you make your living. And, I just hope you get nice emails sometimes, too. I love reading your blog.
34. Kelly said:
Whoops. My post went through twice. Sorry!
35. mark said:
Without a doubt you have the best hate mailers ever. You never have to worry about that warm and fuzzy acid reflux feeling going away with these kinds of gems. Thanks for sharing them - peoples idiocy always makes me laugh. Keep it up with the Awesome lip gloss. It shows.
36. katieaubergine said:
It's been one of those days. I really needed that laugh. Thanks a million for making me smile. Love love love your blog. Wish I could be as cool as you.
37. clhannah said:
Thank you for the laugh on a slow Thursday! Boo on the haters - I can't imagine what is going through their heads, or rather I don't want to. I can't imagine how bad your sinus infection is that they took an x-ray, and I thought I have had some bad ones! Feel better.
39. token said:
I love your sense of humor---cynical humor is the best---and your response to Maurice was ABSOLUTELY APPROPRIATE!
38. ohpreis said:
Thanks for sharing some of your hate mail. I needed a good laugh, and this post came just in time to cheer me up. Ohhps I forgot a few . ! ' , . pooo
Love your blog.
40. minda25 said:
Great post! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. The best part was the picture of Chuck in response to Maurice. I had expected a picture of you making a face, or maybe of John doing something silly, so the Chuck pic was unexpected... and hilarious.
41. miscmum said:
What I'm curious about is do these people ever get back to you and ever (gasp!) apologise for their rudeness or stupidity? Or do they just skulk off after getting publically spanked?
42. Faith said:
Oh my god...your hate mail makes me wish *I* could get hate mail, too! Especially that last one from Amy. "(SAHF) or a Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass?" What the fuck does that MEAN? Why was it there? Did she notice that Dooce is spelled without any S, A, H, or F involved at all? What was the correlation there?
I know it must be incredibly frustrating to get e-mails like this initially, but your responses like this in posts make me laugh so hard, it's tough not to envy you. (I know, I'm sick...this is not news.) I get upset and all heart-racy when I even get in a comment-posting war with folks via blogs, so I probably would not be able to handle an e-mail like the one you got from Jamuna with very much grace or tact. But maybe that's because of all the dead animals I eat. Who knows.
Thank you for these. You're so awesome, Heather. (A picture of Chuck pooping! Bwahahahahaha!)
43. Bess said:
Oh god, I am so glad that you didn't post this an hour ago, because I was in tax class, and it would have totally blown the appearance of attentiveness that I was trying so hard to create, possibly by making me snort a coughdrop out my nose. :)
44. BeachMama said:
As much as it is terrible that you receive hate mail at all, I have to thank you for sharing. I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time. Chuck is just priceless.
My opinion? Jealous, jealous people who probobly don't have a job thus are taking it out on you. Kudos to you for keeping up the good work.
45. lisa said:
Free Tampons!!! I am packing my bags and heading west right today.
46. anne reed said:
Heather, Chuck's picture is fantastic. And, as always, I'm a bit ashamed of how much I enjoy your hatemail. Thank you for sharing it, and someday I hope someone sends me an email letting me know I'm good at fellatio. Maybe I'd get out of more housework that way.
47. HAM*I*AM said:
Heather - I've been reading your blog for some time now - as a lot of my favorite writers are linked to you, and I have to say WTF? to the hatemail writers!
You're funny, but most of all, a breath of fresh air to people who crave genuine-ness (gawd, I can't even be grammatically correct)even if it is biting cold at times, you are REAL, which in my book, it takes a lot of bravery to be that honest.
Keep it up - and don't go a changin' :)
another Heather
48. Amy said:
Wow. I don't know how I'd handle getting hate mail like this on a regular basis--I'm glad you're able to keep a sense of humor about it. Because that's the understatement of the century--I lost count of how many times this post had me laughing out loud. Not just a chuckle, but a genuine belly laugh. And then, that photo of Chuck pooping? PRICELESS. I bust out laughing again every time I scroll back to it. Thanks for a fantastic website, Heather.
49. Uberalles said:
Hey...a buddy of mine got me hooked on your blog. I find it absolutely hilarious. I can't believe the hate mail you get but then again the average IQ of a US citizen (I'm assuming those emails were from US citizens) is somewhere around 67.
50. Elise said:
oh Heather, it's posts like these that make me so proud to wear my dooce shirt out in public! good on yeh, and thanks for the Chuck squat shot!
51. anne's chit chat said:
I cannot believe these hatemail people. I am glad that you have found the humor in their evil words because it always makes my day when I get to laugh outloud in my office and hope that a co-worked doesn't walk by and ask why I just laughed outloud, alone, in my office, at work.
52. girlnoir said:
William, I think the answer you're looking for is "schizophrenia."
53. Amy said:
just scrolled up through the comments, and laughed when people MENTIONED the Chuck photo. then saw it. and laughed again. I really needed to laugh like that today--thanks.
54. esthela said:
Heather, you really need to add an "I get hatemail everyday" section at the top of your website with your reply to said hatemail. These are always the funniest entries to read.
55. Stephanie said:
The thing I love best about your hatemail posts is that I read the hatemail, and I get angry and feel all defensive (for you), and then you make me spit my tea all over my laptop laughing. Of course, the laptop doesn't really appreciate it, but you should know that I do.
56. little-bit o'MT said:
Prozac burps are my favorite.
57. Amy said:
Wow- thanks for sharing!! I wonder if the "hate mailers" realize that, because of them... you had more for your blog!! They are contributing to the "American Dream!" Now you can take a break- they did your work for you!!
Keep it up, We love ya!
58. lsm said:
Wow... I'm quite shocked at the hatemail you recieve. Although, I didn't know that you get free tampons in Utah which is making me seriously consider moving to Utah!
Great site.
59. darf said:
Awesome lip gloss? Mine sucks. What are you using?
P.S. love your blog. love the pictures. love the hatemail. is that wrong?
60. Andrea-cat said:
Thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU for the hate mail posting. I totally need that! I have tears in my eyes from stifling my laughter. My co-workers think I'm crazy enough without me laughing my ass off in my office by myself. If your family decides to sue you, let me know and I'll defend you. Too funny!
Chuck pooping (doocing for Amy) is the best. E'ver.
61. katliz said:
I was already laughing heartily before reading Monkee's comment, which put me over the edge. I am never going to be able to cook a pot roast, all bound up in rope, or tenderize a filet with a mallet, without imagining some cow mooing through his ball gag, "Thank you madame, may I have another"?
62. ealasaid said:
Oh my goodness! I think you should bottle yourself up, and be sold as an antidepressant. I woke my napping children up with laughter.
63. AmyFrances said:
The look on Chuck's face is totally "What the fuck, man? I'm taking a shit here. There better be a fucking treat in this for me."
64. gistuary said:
Interesting.
I've often thought that when Leta gets older she will be completely honored to have you as a mom. You know, when she's old enough to be honored about something. Or when the Dora phase is over; whichever comes first.
65. HannahsMomJess said:
Oh Heather, the fact that people have no lives and live to think they're making someone (other than themselves) miserable is actually kind of funny.
And "Contraction Ahead" is something every Delivery room in every hospital should have... that made me laugh so hard I snorted.
And I wanted to say "HI Lisa" Because I know she'll read this and ask me later if it was me ;)
66. Wayward Goddess said:
So funny! The response to Maurice was priceless. I wish I could get paid to do that.
67. theredbaron said:
I'd bet these folks are the exact same ones who write vehement letters to Sports Illustrated condemning the depravity of the annual swimsuit issue and demanding their subscription be cancelled. Sports Illustrated? Almost naked women writhing in exotic locales? Must feign surprise and offence! I'd rather just enjoy the simple pleasures in life and appreciate them as they come, thank you very much! The mental image of your ducking from the flying Avon facial cleanser put a smile on my face all day -- what more could one ask for?
68. 180/360 said:
I just received my first "hate mail" last week and I immediately thought of you and how you would respond. I can't believe how lame these people are. It makes me sad to think of all of the negative energy that goes into writing (and receiving) hate mail. At the risk of sounding sappy, I think you're a brilliant writer and photographer.
69. dirty filthy princess said:
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you for posting that photo of Chuck pooping. That was perfect!!
And, all these losers that, apparently, have nothing better to do but write nasty emails to you, need to sit up and take a look in a mirror. Um, who is the one that is getting paid to write and who is the one that is interesting enough to spur them into emailing you?
You ROCK!!
70. Wicked H said:
How did we know you'd be the valedictorian of the infected sinus recesses?
You rock!!
71. mejack said:
I have been reading and enjoying your blog for quite some time and always get a kick out of the comments you receive. I find it AMAZING that some people write to you like they personally know you or your husband or your child or even your dog. I find it even more incredible that people have the stones to offer up their pathetic criticisms about you through their internet anonymity. It is seriously disturbing. These people scare me and just reinforce the fact that the internet has spawned an entirely new species of creepy.
72. Ken said:
Heather - I just want to let you know that I have an RSS feed to your blog on (or near) the top of my Yahoo homepage - There are only three I follow... and the hate mail is a gas and of course you know these people have their collective heads up their collective asses (maybe each others'?) Keep on doing exactly what you are doing. Everything is great!
73. DearDiesel said:
I am glad you are able to read these emails and not take them too personally. I am even gladder (if that is a word) that you share them because they always make me laugh!
74. Lynnlaw said:
This post was so funny I almost dooced my pants.
75. MsPuse said:
I am continually amazed at how stupid people can be! Thank you for sharing your hate mail and giving us a good laugh!
76. ma2one said:
It should be illegal how much you make me laugh.
Next time for the fun of it, send the hate mailers a rear shot of the shit coming out of the butt
77. Sharon said:
I feel very let down, I can't see the shit coming from Chuck!
I always feel a bit weird posting or emailing to a person who knows me from Jack (shit, that it). Like I have some priviledge or right to impose my thoughts and opinions into your life. But then again, you probably don't read these unless you are really bored and have mistakenly taken a double dosage of welbutrin.
Love the blog!
78. mimiingermany said:
We here in Oregon love our Beavers and Ducks (Oregon State Beavers and University of Oregon Ducks to be more specific).
79. itsadaisy said:
As exciting as a blog about your sinus infection no doubt would have been (and I mean that), I thank you profusely for sharing the hate mail instead.
I LOVE YOUR HATE MAIL BLOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(!!)
(!!!!)
...and the picture of chuck taking a dump? I cried. It was that great.
80. Fiona9 said:
Laughing hard feels so good! Thanks Heather!
81. msalinka said:
"the only way I can explain some of the punctuation is to believe that she typed it with her forehead" - I fell out laughing when i saw that! So funny. LOVE this site, you are a funny lady.
82. Michele said:
This is why I'm glad nobody reads my blog. Because then I'd get hate mail from idiots, and instead of one pithy response to the greatest hits, I'd probably waste all of my time writing return hate mail.
I still want to know about your infected sinuses, and whether or not you have snorted salt water yet. That always clears out my sinuses (after making me feel like absolute shit for about five seconds).
83. slynne said:
funny, funny, funny. i agree with # 76!
yours is the one (only) blog that makes me laugh out loud at times.
i think i'll share your site with my pastor!
84. hjhadams said:
I lo've th.e fact! that these peo'ple hate your. blog so much yet the'yll waste tim.e reading it and writing' to you abou't it. To those people I, say "get a! lif'e"...
85. Katie said:
I think it's a rule that if you're someone who feels the need to spend time sending hate mail, you have to have no knowledge of grammar and/or punctuation.
These are winners. Truly.
86. Zinzy said:
Dooce, oh Dooce. I have no words for this except that it's brilliant the way you handle things like these.
And come to think of it... What are these people thinking anyway?! Truthfully, I don't see why readers/haters/lovers/anyone alive can't see it the way I do: Dooce is like Oprah, she may not literally know EVERYTHING, but everything she says, we believe. You cannot withstand her, you may envy her for her fame and fortune. Because let's face it: who WOULDN'T want to have a life like this?!
Every night before I go to sleep I beg God to let me be Dooce for one day.
Dooce has made a religion for herself. One in which having kick ass lip gloss and a disgusting affection for Oreos aren't things to be ashamed of AT ALL.
Truthfully, I couldn't care any less if Dooce herself was in the mob.
Oprah has the Angel Network to save the world, Dooce has her amazing story telling to keep us from overdosing on meth before bedtime.
If I were a 40-year-old 'I-Have-Seen-'The-Secret'-And-You-Have-Negative-Energy-
Circulation' bald internet geek reading this website every day, I could kill myself, too, thinking I don't get to raise a cute kid like Leta.
Fuck 'em.
Dooce = Law.
87. Alexis Siemon said:
I vote all dogs all the time! Oh and try to work in some pictures of Chuck taking a self-portrait. That would be the tops!
88. Josette said:
Heather,
you are the wind beneath my wings....
LOL!
89. shel said:
I L'OVE YOU and your hatemail posts. :)
90. jeffeners said:
People outside of Maine put wreaths on the front of their pickups? And use apostrophes inappropriately? Do they also pull out in front of you while you're driving 50 mph, drive 20 mph for 500 feet, then turn without signaling? God, I love America.
Heather, you rock. Don't let the assholes get you down.
91. Daphne said:
I was enjoying your hatemail just as much as the next person, and then I scrolled down to the picture of Chuck, and then I enjoyed it MUCH MORE than the next person.
92. susan said:
I can't believe I am actually commenting here. I read your blog occasionally. I enjoy it -- even if I don't agree w/ your point of view, I find your honesty quite interesting, sometimes even refreshing. Keep on blogging and sharing that hate mail ... nothing better than a good dose of stupidity now and then to make us appreciate our brains!
93. easymovet said:
I only hope that one day i get enough readers to receive hate mail. I'm giddy with anticipation of my very own hate mail!
Hate Me! Mail ME!
94. QueenScarlett said:
They're all ticked off because they can't find "nekkid" pictures - cuz you know... after driving around a pick-up with a wreath and flinging random English grammar tools around... they need some mind-numbing entertainment.
95. kate folsom said:
I second Chuck's sentiment.
You rock.
96. MelanieinOrygun said:
I just feel glad I was sitting here reading this alone, because twice I burst into loud laughter - That picture of Chuck is hhhawesome! And Jamuna's e-mail made me howl.
I wish, I wish, I wish I had even Google search terms that were as funny as some of the random shit people e-mail you. Priceless.
97. marie leconte said:
No one makes me laugh the way you do...they try, but they never get it quite right...my whole family knows when I'm reading your blog..like with today's post
me: hihihi hahaha..snort giggle giggle..gaffaw
eldest: Mom, what's so funny? What're you reading?
me: dooce
eldest: Huh? (please forgive him, turned 13 in dec. Just wait, you'll know what I mean in due time)
me: that blog of that mom with her dog and her little girl and her husband in Utah!
eldest: Utah? Is that near Yellowknife?
me: US, not Canada honey.
98. Kathryn said:
I was reading this post, quietly at first, pretending to look busy at my desk and then came that picture of Chuck. Blew my cover (not to mention water all over my desk and monitor). Priceless. (and thanks for sharing the hate, though I know it must get tiresome)
99. issa said:
Dooce, I love it when you do this. These people crack me the fuck up, as do you with your responses. The funniest to me is the woman who says you will regret it all in twenty years. Really? She truly thinks you'll regret staying at home with your family and getting paid to write about it? Watching your beautiful little girl grow into such an awesome person? Seeing how far exactly you can push your dog into doing tricks? Really? Well sign my ass up. I'd love to regret my time too while spend my days working at home and playing with my husband, kids and pup.
And just because I'm here....my daughter thinks all stories start with, "Hola, my name is Dora", too. Hell, they also all have to end with, "and they all lived happily ever after." It's cool, I mean she's two. I'm not gonna burst her bubble, what the fuck is the fun of that? Anyway...
If you get the chance, post a picture of the x-ray becuase I'd love too see it. I've never seen a doctor be giddy.
100. Lisa said:
"Yes, yes you have to be one of the most pathetic people I have ever seen in my life. for God’s sake (and I’m not even religious) please stop abusing your child."
I love that it starts with a double "yes". Like he's considering... just comparing you to other very pathetic people, and regrettably, yes, yes... you are one of the most pathetic.
101. Amy D. said:
I've never made out with a woman, but can we get together, drink heavily, and change that? You rock my world, Heather. I wish I got hatemail like that! I must defend myself: I am NOT that Amy!
102. Vanessa Mateyko said:
Best! Post! Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(That's 15 exclamation points.)
I don't know how you do it, girl, but I'm so glad you do.
104. Josh_Ward said:
GD Dooce, you are the best.. I point my girlfriend of 2 years to your site a little too often. I just want her to see what a fine woman, great wife and perfect mother should look like and how she should conduct herself. Would you be willing to come back to Texas and hold a class? :)
-J
103. krisojen said:
I love when you get hate mail! Not because I want bad things for you, but because your hate mail exposes a caliber of human being that boggles my mind and amuses me to no end. File those folks in the "Don't they have ANYTHING worthwhile going on in their lives?" category.
Love Chuck. Love, love, love him. Even pooping. And looking pissed that he's getting his picture taken while pooping.
105. megan Carty said:
Those people are so weird. They are compelled to complain about your blog because they didn't think of it first. Not that they can even write or form thoughts properly. They obviously, though, have plenty of time to read your blog frequently and the time to write you hate mail about it. It's not like I turn on my computer and your blog is my welcome screen. I have to actually launch my browser and GO there. That's a DECISION and EFFORT. These people aren't having their eyes forced open whilst duct-taped to a chair (think "A Clockwork Orange") made to stare at your blog for days on end. They need to re-examine what is pathetic.
106. deeryluv said:
This is my new favorite entry. Thank you for sharing such nastiness. It confirms my skeptical, if not jaded (and what I feel to be an honest and balanced) perspective on humanity that others in my life feel is "negative." (Why does being honest that there is negativity in this world make me a negative person?) What a bunch of jerks. Interesting that folks just can't take what they like and leave the rest. Visiting Dooce is voluntary, right? Anyway, loved the picture of Chuck going "poo". I'm still laughing that was so rad. And so are you and your family.
107. thehalcyonyear said:
Heather,
I just wanted to agree with what the majority of the folks here have said: You are witty, intelligent, and a very good mother and wife.
I, too, enjoy when you get hatemail (aside from the fact that it causes anger to flare up in myself) because you tackle it head-on. I realize you may take more to heart than you portray here, but I hope that you don't. Remember to stay strong, head held high. You are human.
Thank you, again, for all your great entries!
108. carynski said:
Oh my god. I think I just peed my pants.
That was the funniest thing I've ever read.
Oh Heather, you totally crack me up and I hope you get paid well for it.
109. skippy delight said:
What happened to the good old days when you used to post their e-mail addresses along with their missives?
I think there could be some really rollicking and entertaining correspondence begotten from this crop of hate mailers.
Especially that last one - truly a unique style of expressing ignorance - I am fascinated by the combination of vocabulary words and crazy punctuation. It's almost like performance art.
110. Michelle L said:
I am new to the world of blogging (both reading and writing)... And being someone who considers themselves a realist rather than an optimist, I love the cynicism and truth of your blog. It cracks me up every time I read it.
These hatemailers are just jealous that you can not only entertain, but also provide for your family with your wit. We should all be so lucky.
111. Kataribe said:
Heather,
As far as I'm concerned, I keep coming back here, and you keep getting paid for what you're doing. Sounds good to me. Probably the best one-aside from Chuckie being so rudely interrupted there, has to be "Anonymous". If she(?) thinks that you are "literally crazy," I have news for her. Remember Sybil's mom?-her type got around back in the 50's-been there, done that, got the merit badge. You're just taking the stuff standing up that a whole bunch of us-if we were honest-have had to deal with. Real, batshit, f**kin' nuts is not something you could handle, anony-baby.
112. leesavee said:
Heather, you are a delight. You make me proud to be from Shelby County...in a twisted sort of way!!! (I live in Maine now, where people do still have Christmas wreaths on the fronts of their pick-up trucks.)
Don't listen to that freak Maurice. I can't get enough pictures of Chuck. Or Leta. BRING 'EM ON, you Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass! You are the valedictorian of dog and child photos.
Shout out to Angela...you got me addicted to this damn site!
113. jennifer_starfall said:
me love you long time, heather.
i laugh my ass off at your hatemail. the best part for me is the lack of proper spelling and grammar - if you're gonna get shitty, do it right.
what kind of lip gloss do you use? and if you're ever in baltimore (not that there's a reason to visit the armpit of the universe), you're more than welcome here.
114. Kristine said:
Okay, normally I hate it when you post the hate mail, because I just see a mob of people attacking these idiots that don't have any thing better than to write you hate mail...but then I saw the picture of Chuck taking a dump.
Classy. We can hang out. Bring Captain Morgan.
115. Smelly Liz said:
LOL! Seriously, people have too much time. Fuck 'em.
Question: What lip gloss are you using? Please answer in your next post if possible. You should try Stila lip glazes, if you dare.
116. Nicole Barnes said:
Laugh out loud funny today, especially the picture of Chuck. I find it humourous the amazing number of negative people in the world today, don't they have something better to do? Like standing on the street corner expressing their rage at the constitutional right to freedom of expression? Ha-Ha, keep up the brilliant writing, no matter what it is about......
117. Amy the Mom said:
Must.muffle.laughter. Coworkers already convinced I'm a little off. The picture of Chuck....oh god....
118. Lola Taylor said:
I think you're wonderful!
119. Erin said:
Love your blog. Don't know what I would do without it. You have expressed so many things I've gone through that I have not been able to express. You are one talented woman!
120. Katie said:
I know that it is not right to wish mental illness upon someone, but I do upon your hatemailers who criticize you for being open about your depression. I don't know if it their own shame that has them belittling you for something you can control the onset of as much as you can control the appearence of a birthmark on your right buttock, but I hope there are more people like you raising fabulous children than there are people like them raising close minded brats. Can I nominate you to be the Betty Ford of Depression?
BTW: I adore Leta, you helped change my mind about having one of my own.
121. gavintiegirl said:
Thanks for the laugh today. That picture of Chuck was unexpected and quite hilarious. I am sure Maurice is tickled pink over that one. Thanks for sharing. As jdianeafrica said quite nicely, "People are so jacked up and you highlight that nicely here. hilarious"
122. Molly Chase said:
Dear Heather: Please continue to take pictures of Chuck taking a poo in your backyard, take cheap shots at the Mormons or Avon or organic chicken broth, and eat juicy and delicious animals direct from the slaughterhouse. Because we love you. And your hatemailers can stick it.
Love,
The Internet.
123. Sasha said:
I have read your site forever. It is linked to on my best friend's site Mimsies.wordpress.
You are hilarious and so much fun to read. I have absolutely no clue why anyone would actually send hate mail. How opinionated must you be? Please! Can't people just read your blog and laugh or smile? Good God.
124. Nifle said:
Thank you, I needed a good laugh. I can believe that those poor, hapless souls should get blogs of their own that can support their lives. Oh, wait, people would have to be willing to read them. I don't think I'd force that kind of torture on anyone...oh, okay, I can think of two people. But, that's all!
PS. I really appreciated this post because it made the coughing and lung hacking caused by pharyngitis to be so pleasant.
125. psychoactive toad said:
I don't get people sometimes, but at least I'm laughing while scratching my head. Brilliant post.
The photo response to Maurice? Hysterical!
126. SpexyDevonz said:
M'aam,
Now see, this is why I don't have a blog, because people are such meanies. But you were born to blog. Just when I think you are going to crack under their kryptonitical rays you come back with hilarity.
Keep it up.
But seriously, you suck.
Hi Becca!
127. ashleighem said:
you are wonderful. i truly enjoy your candor and reading your stuff makes me happy. thanks for being an inspiration!
128. HelloMyNameIsHeather said:
You are so freaking hilarious. I seriously laugh out loud everytime I visit this page. I just get a feeling that Deland is jealous though. Maybe his momma can fry him up some chicken and suck his DICK!!!!!!!!
129. lindsay said:
People in general suck. But you? You rock. And so does Chuck.
130. deardiary said:
i love chuck taking a crap! you rock. your so called craziness represents the masses.
131. Nannergrrl said:
It's ALWAYS about the poo. Sheesh.
132. Meegan said:
I'm sending nothing but love. I skipped my last book club book to read your archives from stem to stern, for crying out loud! I'm a medicated mama of a 6 month old girl, and your email has, quite literally, helped me through a very difficult time. I have been struggling with postpartum depression. Your blog was my ray of sunshine. It still is, but I'm feeling better now so I have a lot more sunshine in my life. And drugs. Don't want to leave out the drugs! Anyway, I just want to say thank you for sharing your life with us, the internet. There are nights when, after the babe started snoozing in her crib, I would read your blog for hours. I would read things out loud to my husband. I would laugh out loud. OUT LOUD! This was not a common occurrence, as the sadly depressed do not giggle freely. It was so lovely to know that I had a kindred spirit out there somewhere, even though she was oblivious to my existence. So. There you go. Some Love Mail to counter the spiteful shit that idiots like Anonymous and Paul spew. Also? I think you sound like a great mom. A mom who, if you lived nearby, I would invite over for a playdate and a bourbon.
133. ecologista said:
I think the relevance of Jamuna's comments here are pretty obvious: all those animals you eat are French existentialists, and you are filled with their cynical disdain for the world. Particularly for Mormons. Everybody knows the French hate Mormons. I'd wink here, but I am a vegetarian and therefore devoid of emotions, since I'm not eating anything that experiences them. Thank you, Jamuna, for bringing enlightenment to my dreary plant-filled existence.
134. Liz said:
Is it ridiculous for me to aspire to get letters such as these? I hope one day I will be in your position.
Keep on keeping on, you know like the Brady Bunch. They all turned out well, right?
135. reavolution said:
I almost cried laughing when I scrolled down and witnessed the "Poop of Chuck." A law classmate of mine was talking to me, and in the midst of our conversation, my face flushed bright red as I laughed out loud. Luckily, class was not in session.
This was a great hate mail entry.
However, I do want to note, sane people can decorate their car seasonally. I think wreathes on grills are cute - even if slightly invasive in this PC world. :)
136. Brian said:
I am giddy every time I see a post title that starts with "Exclamation point."
You rock!
137. Juliness said:
Excellent responses! It's always more entertaining when you include your thoughts with the original remarks. It makes for great reading and your comfort with words is enviable as always.
I very much enjoyed hearing you speak at BlogHer this last summer. You did not disappoint. Which is certainly saying something considering your celeb status among bloggers and civilians alike.
Some people just don't *get it* and never will. Thanks for sharing some of their work here along with the fantastic stuff you offer us on a regular basis.
138. VVK said:
mmmm... chicken that's been raised in a cage where it doesn't have room to move and has to sit and have food forced down its gullet while it sits in its own excrement. Yummy!!!!
139. keagansmom said:
I'm sitting here at work and I got to the picture of Chuck takin a shit and damn near pissed myself laughing. OH MY GOD, you are funny!
Love you, love your blog, love Jon's blog, love Leta-cutie..can u feel the love?????
xoxo
140. JennJenn said:
Mmmmm, these are always my most FAVORITE posts.
Can't wait to read.
P.S. Got a new kitten....his name is ahem..
Admiral Walter Seamus "Master of the Ocean"
or Walter for short.
141. Anastasia said:
Best use of a peeing-dog picture ever.
Thanks for continuing to write one of my all-time favorite websites, and for putting up with that sort of nonsense to continue amusing (and yes, even educating) us!
142. Jo Anne Swartz said:
Oh my gawd, as I sit here at my boring dull job I could not stop laughing as I read your entry for today. And yes, the photo of Chuck is a classic and so fitting. I have only been reading you for about a month but I look so foward to your posts and have been reading the archives as well.
143. TripTikGirl said:
btw, I think "Emily" is the number one girls' name right now... ;) and has been for the past 9 years...
144. Lorrian said:
Best!
Use!
Of!
Hatemail!
Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(note I used 15! exclamation points)
I look forward to your blog each and every day. I appreciate your candor, your love for your family, and your f'ucking wit. :-)
145. Working Girl said:
hmmm...
Kinda makes me glad that my blog isn't that popular! Success always pisses off certain folks.
146. mfore said:
All I have to say is that I love reading your blog. Maybe some people are so bitchy because they are jealous of your job- I know I kind of am. Anyway, keep on blogging (because I have no life of my own, so I live mine through other peoples blogs (it's sad, but very true))!
147. TxSuzyQ said:
Hey wait! I hang Christmas wreath's on the grill of my truck. Just what are you trying to say there missy?!!?!?!?!??!?!!?! <--- Dig that punctuation! ;]
I have an idea. You should post the email address from every piece seriously good piece of hate mail you get. Let us, your "customer service" department, handle such things!
148. GregariousKat said:
The pic of Chuck was to die for. I am going to be laughing all night at work. While my laboring patients are pushing their hearts out, I will be giggling about Chuck taking a crap. Thank you Heather.
149. redheadwriter said:
Is it wrong to not feel pity for these people who have no lives? All I really want to do is slap them upside the head for being stuck on stupid.
Keep up the excellent blog, Heather. Reading your posts brightens my day.
150. lynn said:
oh heather...i share that same "fuck em" mentality...
no one has anything better to do.????
imagine what their damn days are like....
151. Nytro said:
see... i choose to live in utah for the free CTR rings and books of mormon on every corner.
oh, and the funeral potatoes.
152. beadbabe49 said:
geeze...I really like the photos of chuck and leta...clearly they're both being tortured regularly, you can see it in their eyes!!!!!
153. Rattling The Kettle said:
You're so lucky, getting hate mail. I wonder if my puny little blog will ever generate such hostility some day. I really hope so. It's just one of the many ways that you inspire me.
154. Rachel Jones said:
Holy fucking shit, Heather. This series never disappoints. The rest don't, either. But this one was an all-blog favorite. Please! Please! Please keep inciting hate!
155. shredbettie said:
re. FAQ: I prefer Frequently Unanswered Questions. Of course that would mean changing the initials... everybody! What does that spell! (yes I have a rather immature sense of humor...)
156. Rick said:
I am fairly new to your site but I love it! I was shocked to read some of your hate mail. I think you are irreverent, funny, and smart. Maybe I haven't been around long enough?
157. ashglunk13 said:
I was merely snickering at the emails.....until i got to the picture of chuck taking a dump. after i gathered myself up off the floor, and ran to the bathroom.... i immediately linked it to everyone i know. i love your blog so much.
158. sravana said:
Dooce,
You so KILLED with that Chuck pic! Earlier today I was thinking about suicide (let's just say that the therapist has been called - call it menopausal madness), and then you post that craptaculous pic of Chuck - and I die laughing.
Yet another reason to keep on living - gahwd only knows what's going to show up at dooce.com next!
:)
159. Katie said:
Hola Heather (do you actually read all of these? I got through almost half of them before I just gave up, but then again, I'm not the one whose praises are being sung, so it would probably be different if these all started with "Katie")
Anyhoo. Really just wanted to post a comment while the comments were open. Love your hate mail entries (hell, I love ALL of your entries) and almost makes me miss the hate mail I used to get back when my journal had a larger audience.
ALMOST makes me miss the hate mail. Reading yours, though, is a nice hateful rush-to-the-head, and I like it a bit too much.
Although what I really love are your monthly letters to Leta. That hater had no idea how awesome those letters are, and how much Leta is going to THANK YOU when she is older, and realizes that while her Mommy might be a bit crazy (at times), she has also screamed her love all over the internet, and I'm thrilled to hear you scream it loud, and proud.
Don't mind the crap run-on sentence.
Hugs,
Katie.
160. CyberBilly said:
Hey Heather, I've read your blog for years, but never felt compelled to comment before. I don't understand why people can't just live and let live. If people don't like what you have to say, shouldn't they just go elsewhere? It's called the Golden Rule. Or alternatively, I hope you'll consider my attitude toward your detractors- they can all Fak Offf, Doode! Keep on doin' it exactly as you wish. And I'll keep on reading. How you like them apples?
161. Geno said:
Omigod, I am rolling on the floor! Those people are some funny s**t. I think you are awesome.
162. citygirl912 said:
April's masthead should have a mosaic of Chuck pictures just for our friend Maurice!
163. pseudonymph said:
Oh Heather. At the risk of sounding sappy (and obvious!), it must be hard as hell to get those sometimes. High five on the perfectly nuanced Chuck response though. Hee.
On a small serious note, thanks for writing so frankly about depression in spite of the crap you get for it. It's been damn helpful to me to know that other 'mundan nerds' have successfully traversed the problems i'm having right now. Hopefully a few thanks here and there go some way to balancing out the vicious idiots.
164. toddlermama said:
I think that you could really piss these special people off by selling the picture of Chuck crapping in your on-line store. Maybe you could even make a greeting card. Imagine the potential inscriptions... "Wishing you a crappy day!" or "Crap, I forgot your birthday!" I love that picture a little too much... Rock on, dooce!
165. Samara said:
Booooo Chuck Hater, Huuraaaaaaay Chuck!
166. Theresa said:
Heather I fucking love you!!!!!! The picture of Chuck is awesome...Seriously the haters suck!!! I love reading you!
167. Jamie said:
First, I love reading your site, Heather. It's sometimes funny, sometimes touching, and always a joy to read something so well-written.
Second, "Dump Chuck" is TOTALLY my new band name!
Finally, as to the hater who thinks it's ok to criticize you since blogging is "your job," I hope you show up at her place of employment someday to tell her how bad she sucks at her work.
Keep writing and posting pictures of Chuck. We love you!
168. alikatze said:
ROFL. Fight the good fight; give the mentally challenged something to chew on, Heather. The internet is probably one of the best places, IMHO, where sentient life forms can duke it out without bloodshed (one hopes). THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
169. workroom said:
hehehe
so damned good
i for one, love you
you earn every penny you make damnit
but then again i don't have a set of bullballs hanging from my car tow-hitch so i guess it doesn't mean anything in the bigger scheme of haters out there
thanks for all the good stuff you share
; )
170. t*love said:
Heather,
This has to be the best installment of hatemail to date. Awesome! The only thing that would have made it better is if there were an actual piece of poo left by Chuck for Maurice. Oh well, maybe next time, huh?
Keep up the great work - I love this site!
171. Candice said:
Though I am sure it can be incredibly tiring, I selfishly wish that the hatemail will never ever stop coming. Because it's so much fun to read. People are idiots; it makes me giggle.
172. millercaster said:
Next Masthead:
Shit Ass Ho Fuckingbadass
173. kelley said:
i gots nothin but love fer ya, heather.
shitting chuck made made my day. and the look on his face is all, "look what I can do, mom...jealous?"
174. Elizabeth said:
Heather,
I signed up for Typepad just to comment on this entry, although I've been reading dooce for over a year now. I know this isn't going to be a very original comment, but I must let you know that I hadn't scrolled down enough to see what was after Maurice's letter, so when I read it and scrolled, oh my dear lord. I'm at work, and I was trying so hard not to lose my shit, that I had tears literally streaming from my eyes. I *heart dooce!
175. ylime said:
I openly guffawed at the Chuck picture today. My 20 month old came running over and reminded me of something he's recently been doing when he sees Chuck. I thought you might find it amusing that he refers to him as "Cock". I know it makes my day a little easier to take.
176. MidgetViking said:
I'm not sure how I discovered your web-site, and that really worries me as I've only been reading it for about 3 weeks or so... but that's beside the point.
Katie; don't worry (post 120) - your wish has clearly long since come true.
Heather; I have yet to find and awesome lipgloss. I had one when I was a teenager, but then 'they' stopped making it and I have not found one as good since. Fancy giving some lipgloss advice? I live in Europe, though, and if it's a purely American product I'm in deep shit anyway. But, you know, I'm curious.
I can't bear other people's kids, and generally don't mind not having any of my own, but somehow you make it sound as if it's worth all the hassle. Leta is lovely, and John sounds great too. And Chuck - well, say no more.
I always thought my dog, when I was a kid, was particularly cute when she had that concentrated poo-look. I guess it was because she so rarely concentrated on anything (unless there was food involved) that the sheer novelty of it was what made an impression.
Well, it's late in Vienna and I have a long day ahead of me. Sleep tight - all of you and all of your readers (when you get home from work or whatever you're doing)!
177. nikki c said:
oh my god, i needed a good belly laugh all afternoon and the photo of chuck almost made me cry i was laughing so hard. yay chuck!! good boy! good pooper!
178. paula said:
Omg, are tampons really free in Utah?
Love the pic of Chuck. Ahahaha!
179. Leon said:
.....oh Dooce, you don' dunnit' again
You've really reaped some masthead gold in these last nuggets of grrrrr
My personal favorites (incorporated for use as mastheads at a later date);
1. Dooce - Typed With Her Forehead Since 2001
2. Dooce - Your Friendly Neighborhood Steaming Prozac Burp
3. Dooce - Now With More Ass Clenching Chuck Photos
Power to the Blurbodoocery! Best wishes always guys. You're truly doing the Lord's work.
180. Missy said:
You know, Dooce, I always read your hate mail and got a good laugh. I have my own blog but it's not really on anyone's radar; the only person to send me hatemail is my patriotic uncle Mike who thinks I'm a Communist. And he didn't even use that many exclamation points.
However, I recently had a site review my blog. I honestly thought they were going to give me tips and stuff on how to improve, but instead it was a slamfest. And I was actually really hurt. They slammed my writing, which was the worst. I satisfied myself by using profanity, many, many times, but I suddenly realized -- this is how Heather feels. She gets this crap all the time.
So fuck 'em. I can't tell you how much I love your site and your writing. I check it every day because it makes me LAUGH. Really laugh, with a deep, belly laugh, and you know what? That is a miracle.
Thanks for providing miracles, Heather.
181. SouthernBelleInUtah said:
I love the picture! And his expression is priceless - just like a person caught doing that in public would be. There are way too many of us Dooce-enjoyers to listen to those others. My only complaint is I have to wait for you to post. I might have to check more than once (Quellehorreur!).
182. MalGal123 said:
Heather...
I love your blog. From what I read, I can tell that you are honest and that you see life through a very good-humored lens. For every ridiculous person out there that feels compelled to send you hateful responses, there are likely 50 more people who find hope from your transparency. Thank you for being a person who is unafraid to acknowledge the things that make life so amazing (good and bad).
I have to stifle my laughter everytime I read your blog (because I usually check in when I'm at work). But thanks for making life more interesting!
183. ebr said:
Why don't you post the nice mails, too? It's too sad to read these ridiculous hate mails. You should follow-up with some love. You deserve it.
184. Verber of Nouns. said:
Wait? There are free tampons in Utah?
Sweet.
I am a kinky dyke living in sin in San Francisco, but if there are free tampons in Salt Lake City, I will gladly move there and run over a Mormon or two with you. Tampons are fucking expensive, yo.
Cheers,
Ky.
185. Reimeroo said:
Oh man, I LOVE the picture of your dog making the McSteamy!
186. Shealynn said:
Ok, so I am loving your blog!! A friend of mine told me about the amazing pictures you take, so I had to take a look, while I love the pictures very much, I do indeed love your writing too! It's very entertaining, and I love to be entertained, so rock on sista! Keep in blogging... and finding out that you get paid for this was the highlight of my day! Not sure who wouldn't love to get paid to speak their mind! ROCK ON!
187. wannabemae said:
Yo Chuck...my thoughts exactly! FYI, those are not ellipses, they are Chuck droppings.
188. Pete Dunn said:
Jealous much?
I feel like a total loser now because I blog every single day and I don't make a dime on it. I guess expressing oneself for the sake of expression isn't what it used to be.
189. Mariana said: