Gateway behavior to felony assault
Some of you are going to find this utterly monstrous but Leta still sleeps in her crib and not a toddler bed. She hasn't yet figured out that she can climb out of it, and because of this built-in restraining mechanism she'll be sleeping in a crib until she's eight.
Right now the crib also serves as the time-out area for when she behaves badly. We are huge fans of that lovely British nanny on television who enters people's homes and gives them permission to discipline their children. She's good because her strategies work and because as an American I find that her British accent makes everything seem more reasonable. And vaguely sexy.
We started using her naughty area technique when Leta started showing signs that she was infected with rabies. I remember the first time Leta ever hit me in frustration. Without hesitation I got down to her level (step one) and then warned her (step two) that she if she hit me again I'd be putting her in her crib for two minutes, one minute for each year of her life. She promptly whacked me in the shoulder again with her little plum fist as if to say BRING IT, PERSON WHO READILY FORGETS THAT MY INFANT LOVE IS CONDITIONAL.
So I put her in her crib (step three) and then left her room and shut the door behind me. Two minutes later I went back into her room and explained why I had put her there in the first place (step four), and then I told her to give me a hug and say she was sorry (step five). In one of my favorite episodes of the nanny show a laughably clueless dad is trying to execute the naughty chair technique on his four-year-old daughter, and after the four-minute time limit he walks over to her and asks her for an apology. She looks up at him disgustedly, cuts him a look through the slits in her eyes that you would normally see from a lion right before it rips the hind quarter off a gazelle, and screams, "I'MMM SORRRRRRY!" He then turns to the nanny and in a moment that beautifully illustrates why she was invited into their home in the first place says, "I can't tell if she means it."
Yesterday morning Leta went on a tantrum bender because we wouldn't let her eat M&M's for breakfast. We repeatedly had to put her into a time-out because she wouldn't take our warnings seriously, and once when Jon went back to her room to get her out of the crib she hit him when he asked for an apology. Does this give you a sense as to what we are dealing with, as to the unmerciful will we have unleashed on the world? Because my friend didn't believe it until she witnessed one of Leta's tantrums in the flesh, and it was then that she came to the realization that we did many, many months ago: sometimes cannibalism makes sense.
Jon left Leta in her crib for another round of time-out and came back into the living room to walk off some steam. When he told me what had happened I told him not to take it personally because she has done the exact same thing to me. "Leta's pretty mature for her age," he said trying to talk through the defeat. "She knows her letters and numbers and all that. I think she could handle it if we added on a few extra minutes to the time-out. Like 45."
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FM Living
Wendy Mac said:
Oh my goodness, supernanny! I love supernanny. I once had a friend from England and I would make her recite the alphabet incessantly just so I could enjoy her sexy accent.
Leta cracks me up! I love the show when they let you see how the family does once supernanny has left. It's usually a disaster, and supernanny comes back and tries to get them back to square one- but you can see the parents are thinking the same thing as Jon. A whole day in the naughty spot would do them just fine.
03.28.06 - 03:51 PM / 1ktjane said:
oh my! what a little stinker! it's a good thing she is so darn cute!!
03.28.06 - 03:52 PM / 2KellyB said:
My oldest is now five. I reeeeeally miss his crib sometimes. It was so cage-like and nice... *sigh*
03.28.06 - 03:53 PM / 3MontanaJen said:
My parents tell a story of when my aunt came to look after me and my two...ahem...adorable sisters while mom & dad took off for a weekend.
my older sister is stubborn. with the capital S. auntie wanted her to eat her green beans for lunch. sister didn't want to. she was five years old.
she held the green beans in her mouth, refused to swallow them, and auntie refused to allow her to spit them out.
finally, in desparation, auntie called mom and asked what to do.
"how long has she held them in there"
"since lunch"
"sister, it's 7 p.m. let her spit"
i am not looking forward to these battles, i tell you.
03.28.06 - 03:54 PM / 4simzgirl said:
Oh how the Naughty Technique will save us all. Now if only I could use it on co-workers...
03.28.06 - 03:56 PM / 5Shellybean/Michele said:
You're on the right track, a minute for every year they're alive but..... The crib is where she sleeps; don't use it as a jail to hold her. Give her a time out area, be it her room but don't shut the door--but not a crib that's being used as a restraint/sleep area, that's her safe area.
I have a son who is very advanced for his age, he was reading and writing simple words at three (he's seven now at reads at a 7th grade level), so I know that smart kid=smart ass at times. Since Leta can speak make her tell you what she's sorry for, she can say "for hitting daddy, for throwing things etc. Then hug her, kiss her, love her and move on. It's so important to make sure they understand what they did, and sometimes they'll be so angry and full of tears they'll forget--gently remind them what they did. Trust me, people ask me allllllll the time how I got such an awesome well-behaved child, loving child. This is how.
03.28.06 - 03:58 PM / 6Strizz said:
Kids are evil. Why do you think they start out so damn cute? It's all part of their evil little plan.
03.28.06 - 03:59 PM / 7leahkay said:
Time to add video clips to the site, no?
03.28.06 - 03:59 PM / 8Kristine said:
As long as you don't call your friend and cry, "I SWEAR...I'M GOING TO PUT HER IN THE DRYER!"
and of course, it's said out of frustration, but friend freaks out and then there is a knock at the door from the friend's husband. "Give me the child."
I told him, "You know where the laundry room is."
03.28.06 - 04:00 PM / 9omar said:
My kid is 8 or 9 months younger than Leta. I fear that reading this site is giving me a look into the not-too-distant future...
But I totally think you guys were being unreasonable about the M&M's. Why don't you just starve the kid?
03.28.06 - 04:05 PM / 10Dada Mama said:
I feel your pain.
I had a child psychologist tell me to hold my son in time out when he wouldn't stay. I tried her technique and it resulted in a FORTY MINUTE battle on the living room floor, me holding the screaming child, the screaming child screaming ever louder while trying to bite me. (That sounds cruel. I wasn't pinning him to the mat or anything. Just gently restraining him until he calmed down.)
BUT--he now stays in time out when I put him there, though nothing has yet killed the screaming.
The good news is that the harder they are as toddlers, the better they are as teenagers. I have been told this repeatedly by several more experienced mothers. I guess they could be lying to me, but it gives me hope nonetheless.
Word.
03.28.06 - 04:05 PM / 11Melissa said:
Man I miss the crib. Mine have a time out chair. And I leave them there until they calm down, any where from 5 - 15 minutes. It works well for my four year old. Not so well for the 20 month old. Sometimes a toddler just does not care if they are being punished or not. Good luck. You're lucky she doesn't climb out. My youngest did it at 11 months.
03.28.06 - 04:06 PM / 12Self-Proclaimed Supermom said:
Oh Heather, keep her in that crib until she jumps out. Once she is in the toddler bed, all hell breaks loose!!
03.28.06 - 04:08 PM / 13jams said:
MT Jen - i tried this same technique as a kid
but my poison was chef boyardee spaghetti-blows
(i was (unbeknownst to me) incredibly spoiled as a child and had a stay at home mom who cooked everything from scratch, bread daily, etc.)
baby sitter forced me to eat the spaghetti-o's and in a now idiotic but then brilliant move to SHOW her, i held those bad boys in my mouth for five and a half hours until my mom picked me up
as soon as we were out the door, i promptly spit out the spaghetti-o's on the baby sitters driveway
now as a marginally reasonable adult, the thought of swallowing chef boyardee flavored saliva for five plus hours is down right revolting
and i've never eaten them since that day
03.28.06 - 04:09 PM / 14Goingape said:
I am a child psychologist in training with my child pscyh friends, and we always talk about what we do in the therapy office would really be better if we could just do a Supernanny type intervention in the home. We just wonder if people would pay for it. I catch myself quoting Jo Marsh way more than I ever do Freud. ;)
What do ya'll think? Would you pay 1000 bucks for someone to come into your home and teach you how to reign in an out of control kid? Or would you rather go see a child psychologist once a week for 10 weeks at 100 bucks a pop?
Of course, Heather, you and Jon sound like the parents that every child psyschologist dreams will come in...because you don't need us! Not that you need my validation, but keep up the great work with Leta. She's going to be a gem.
03.28.06 - 04:17 PM / 15im_this_many said:
there is a club for people going through what you are. it's called: EVERYONE WHO EVER HAD A CHILD
03.28.06 - 04:18 PM / 16bornfamous said:
"...friend freaks out and then there is a knock at the door from the friend's husband. "Give me the child.""
That is truly a good friend--and friend's husband. Too bad there aren't more friends [and friends' husbands--like that.
03.28.06 - 04:20 PM / 17Carli said:
Ahh, the British bombshell is a saint in my eyes as well. Without her, I would have lost my middle child and only son a long time ago. Did you see the one last night, with the bratty book throwing girl? Give her a crew cut and that would be my Jack, flinging Blueberry Shoe to the ends of the earth. Bastard. Sorry, I digress. I also just learned from Parent(ing)s magazine that tempers are worst between 3 and 4, so Jon is right - she's totally gifted for her age. I sympathize with you, and have had my kids scream through the same dinner that they loved a week earlier. Sigh. You can't win, we just go with it. Good luck!
03.28.06 - 04:20 PM / 18duchessjane said:
When my parents sent my brother to his room for time-outs, he would always lay on the floor with one hand in the hallway in defiance. When Mom would shut the door, he'd sneak one little finger out beneath the door.
03.28.06 - 04:25 PM / 19vegasandvenice said:
I think the time-out area is a perfect idea and we love Supernanny too!
Discipline seems so common sense, but everyone has a problem with it when they are confronted with their own little demons. It's nice that someone reminds you of all the things you said you would or would not to discipline your children (of course those statements are made years *before* the kids). Heck, we don't even have kids yet and were sure we can handle it. How naieve are we? Thank goodness for Supernanny! Besides, she delivers, like pizza ... hmmm pizza!
03.28.06 - 04:27 PM / 20sweetney said:
oh, the british nanny -- how i love her. we even deploy The Naughty Step technique with some regularity (and success, incidentally).
but you want to hear monstrous? once mina figured out how to get out of the crib (around age 2), we went and purchased one of those crib tent thingies and installed it for the expressed purpose of TRAPPING HER INSIDE. she clearly wasn't ready for a toddler bed yet, and we were clearly not ready for her to be uncontained at night... PROBLEM SOLVED!
03.28.06 - 04:28 PM / 21Karan said:
Bwahahahaha you are doomed!!!!! Leta's exactly like my daughter... just wait until she's 15.
03.28.06 - 04:30 PM / 22Lisa said:
Thank GOD you wrote about the crib vs. bed. I just wondered that today. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Also, I'm not the only one with a hitter - yeah! But riddle me this, Batman, has Leta ever pinched you harder when you said, "Ow, you're pinching. You're hurting me!"
And this with an angry look on her face. Well, ok, sounds like you have more of same. Anyway, I'm with Jon - maybe not 45 minutes, but gradually increasing the time each time-out might help...or not? Good luck!
03.28.06 - 04:33 PM / 23Beverlee said:
It constantly amazes me how these little tiny people can control and manipulate us. Of course it is all forgotten when we witness them sleeping. Thus, we go through it all over again the next day!
03.28.06 - 04:33 PM / 24Nicole Soukup said:
Hey, don't make any excuses for keeping her in a crib as long as possible! People are crazy if they take their kids out any earlier than necessary. My DD was climbing out at 15 months and it was hell before and after we moved her to a "Big Girl bed". Now, my DS is almost 3 and scared to climb out... I plan on keeping him in there until he is potty trained!
03.28.06 - 04:36 PM / 25E said:
We always used 'compromise' with our two.
The older one was about 3 and well versed with the concept and the younger one was about 18 months and not too well versed with anything so imagine my surprise when, in my trying to squeeze in another spoonful of dinner, she turned her head to the side (avoiding the spoon) then looked at me with one of THOSE looks and said "Compmise mum - one more (pointing at the spoon) - sert (meaning dessert)!" If she had said Pony, I would have lead it up the stairwell myself!!
03.28.06 - 04:37 PM / 26Krooie said:
Thank God for the crib jail!
I'm a nanny, and it's the only thing that keeps the 2 year old I take care of in bed. I dread the day that she moves to a toddler bed, because she'll never stay in it. She's a toddler ninja--she can open any lock, and no door can contain her.
I weep just pondering that day.
03.28.06 - 04:38 PM / 27christy said:
I think a cage match between Leta and my son when he was that age would be interesting. They sound like they are on similar levels of hellishness. I can't tell you how many times I have had to check to see if I chipped a tooth from gritting them.
Before he figured out how to climb out of the crib (at 15 months, for the sake of sweet baby jeebus) we would frequently put him in time out until he, uh, fell asleep.
03.28.06 - 04:42 PM / 28momma 2 angels said:
Ah just the juice I was jonesin' for! Supernanny rocks, yup. I am sure you know she has a book? I like her because she is behavioral- not a bunch of freaky parental analysis, just changing behaviors, period. I like how she reminds us to schedule play time and put our computers away for time to time too. I once read in a kiddie-babble book to discipline with "no rancor" meaning you are not disclocating any arms or bruising when you time them out- and today I watched SN on Tivo and she said the same thing- "no confrontation" in the heat of the battle. Stay it calm! And I vote yes on the cribby time-outs, it's a happy place and the testers & wanderers are safe there.
03.28.06 - 04:44 PM / 29fred said:
i am putting our crib back together for our 4 year old... then i'll also have to electrify the bars and attach a steel death cage to the top. the boy is not going anywhere.
03.28.06 - 04:44 PM / 30