I lived with my mother when I had my child. Mom also adopted the 'scream it out' policy with myself and my daughter. From about 4 months old on, mom taught me to keep myself from checking baby too often. When I did check her, she informed me I was not to talk, not to entertain my child, but merely see to her needs (such as ensuring a clean diaper, and her music CD playing,) and step away from the crib. Within about the same time frame (2 weeks or so,) my daughter learned that while her needs might be tended to, I was of no worth as entertainment or a food source once she was in her crib and she then adopted the 12 hour sleep pattern as well.

I am starting to realise how lucky my parents are. I slept for 12 hours the first night I was born, and ever since (well, I am 21 now, so slightly less ;)

Billygean

i too have a list for our 2nd currently being grown child. night nursing to end at 1 year instead of 2 1/2 years. bottles will be used. nightime routine will be participated in by all parties...including the actual putting the child to sleep. naps will be longer than 1/2-hour. naps will not nessarily include another party (mom!).

i am not a fan of the ferber method. but i also didn't get any real sleep for almost 3 years. some of my friends have used the ferber method & some, like myself, have used every non-screaming method on the planet & to be honest, all of our kids are fine. our son tends to be a TAD sensitive and we just couldn't put him (and us) through screaming it out.

Hey there - you are so very right - what works for you. Because here's the thing - this kid? is yours. In your world. Not in the world of child psychologists writing books.
Oscar was prem and has his dodgy chromosome issues to deal with, but has always been a good sleeper (they say prems are because they are straight into a strict 3 hourly routine etc from birth) but with major hiccups along the way. Primarily the getting of 8 teeth in 8 weeks that saw my sleep-through-the-nighter not do so for another 10 months. Secondly, a grandmother her started a rocking/patting/singing to sleep routine. He STILL loves a patting to sleep. He was 8 in February. But all in all - always a good sleeper. Although a very.early.riser.
Felix - sounds like Leta - and we tried exactly what you tried, for four long hard months. And failed. What made him sleep through the night? No day sleeps from 18 months, and preschool - a private prep school in a uniform and all. At 4 1/2. That brain of his is very hard to turn off.
Jasper - at 5 1/2 months - has been sleeping through the night for two months. We've had two little patches of waking for a night feed. The first - because he was getting cold. The second - because he was getting hungry. So this time around - Jasper goes to bed like a rational human being. And puts himself to sleep in under a minute to sometimes taking about ten.
And I am in absolute heaven.

I. FEEL. YOUR. PAIN.

We had to do the EXACTLY the same thing with Liam and I was in a similar mental state as well. It didn't help that my mother-in-law was giving me the "sad eyes" and making "poor baby" comments left and right. I thought I was going to have to take her out back and shoot her.

People who've never had a kid like we do simply have no idea what it's like – and I hope they never have to find out.

Thank god I had my mom, who happened to know exactly what it was like - I was also "that kid."

I did things differently. I had a different child and it worked for us.

I've just found that as a parent, you do what works for your own family and have to block out the rest of the assvice.

I'm glad you decided to share that story. So many parents feel bad and feel like they did the wrong thing by choosing to let the child cry it out. My sister refused to try that with her daughters and she ended up awake for HOURS every single night. I lived with her at that time, and we would be up with the baby from 12am-5am many many nights. Good for you for finding the solution that works best for your child.

As much as I love me some Dooce, and as much as I can understand the appeal of CIO, it's simply not something I agree with or could ever do myself. I think it dismisses the most basic of human needs (to feel secure and comforted) at a time in a baby's life when they are unable to cope in any other way than to shut down and just give up on trying to be heard, because they learn that no one is coming anyway. I know several people who have done CIO and I know it "works" for them, but I can't help but feel sad for their babies. I feel sad at the thought of them being left alone for such long periods of time (what if something was really wrong?). I feel sad that the first basic self-soothing technique they are taught is, "give up". That is not a lesson I wanted to teach my child. I prefer to teach my child that mama and daddy will always respond to their needs, even if it's inconvenient and even if we are tired in the morning. I brought her into this world - it's the least I can do.

I also don't like how CIO interferes with the nursing relationship. Breastfeeding is incredibly important and whenever a mother can BF, I feel she should. Breastmilk is not meant to sustain a child through 12 hours of sleep (it is digested too quickly for that) and forcing sleep for such lengths of time can cause a mother's milk supply to drop. BF'ing is too important to me for that to be something I would even consider risking.

That said, I DO understand that every family is different and that sometimes the needs of the paretns outweigh the needs of the baby and in some cases, the parents need to attend to their own needs in order to be the best functioning parent they can be. Sleep is a tricky, tricky thing and lack of it can really mess a person up, especially if they are trying to cope with other challenges.

How did we handle sleep? We used The No Cry Sleep Solution with some success, but mostly we handled it by being patient and attending to her needs and trusting that with gentle guidance, she would sleep through the night when she was ready. She is almost 2 now and has been sleeping through the night, in her crib, by herself for several months. My husband tried to talk me into letting her CIO and I refused. He now has reversed his stance and totally agrees with me. The swaying factor? Our daughter. She is confident and secure and compassionate. Would she have been that way even if we let her CIO? I don't know... maybe. But maybe not. We'll never know, because it's not an experiment I was willing to participate in.

Baby Wise. I used it for my last two kids. Highly recommend it.

I work at a preschool with infants.

I wish, I mean really wish, that some parents would just get a clue and do the cry it out method. Not only would it make my job a bit easier when I have 2 hands and 3 babies that have to have a bottle to go to sleep. The youngest of these babies is almost 3 months old, so I can understand that, but the oldest baby that still has to take a bottle to sleep is almost 9 months old. One oz and they're fast asleep.

And all the mother of the 9 month old complains about is how she can never sleep at night or how her husband has to stay up at night and feed her. And Ive suggested, made hints, etc etc she just doesn't catch on.

all i have to say it, oy.

Some people think it's barbaric to let a child cry.

I think they don't realize that if you invest in a few nights of crying, it sets a life time of good sleep habits.
My mother-in-law is a lunatic. She believes that you should never let a baby cry. EVER. When my husband was a baby he never had a "bed time". When he was a toddler he would walk around the house until he literally fell over from exhaustion (usually around 11PM). Now, as an adult, he still has trouble putting himself to sleep, and I believe it was because he was never taught how to do it. He will still be puttering around the house at 11:30PM when he needs to wake up at 5:30AM. I have to yell at him to go to sleep and he gives me the "I have to wind down before I can go to sleep" excuse. Meanwhile, he falls asleep about 2 seconds after his head hits the pillow.

I think what you did with Leta was the right thing.
Those few nights of drama you went through have resulted in many peaceful nights and a well rested child.

Ok, so we used a "Revised Ferber" method with both our boys. Our first son,Ethan, can now sleep through anything. He goes to bed and naps like a champ. He does wake up occasionally and we go to him (he is almost 4 and has horrible nightmares, he walks in his sleep and sometimes it takes him several seconds before he even recognizes his father or me). Our youngest Seth(almost 2) sleeps wonderfuly as well, the only thing that wakes him is the sound of his brother having fun. This is strange because he can sleep through fireworks going off right over his head, but Ethan giggling oh so quietly wakes him immediatly. But this is kinda cute because it is an example of how well they get along and never want to do anything without the other. (Not looking forward to when this will inevitably end.) I admire your truth and willingness to talk about this, even so long afterwards. I had several friends that gave me little comments about how it doesn't work and it is just damaging to the child. Funny how my kids sleep and theirs don't...Strangly one night when one of said friends had a Navy Ball to attend she had me watch her son. He NEVER went to sleep easily for his mother and she told us to just let him stay awake till she got done and she would put him to sleep herself. I think she thought she was saving us the effort...but she wouldn't be back until after midnight and my husband and I are parents, and tired, and we never stay up that late so waiting was out of the question. I used what I knew and had worked on my boys, and what do you know, he was asleep in under 45 min. He put himself to sleep and he stayed that way. I was actually kinda pissed, this kid did it in one try and my kids it took several. She was so against even trying it that she had missed using the one thing that would work for him and her. She now uses it...I guess after she could see that he wasn't damaged and he was ASLEEP that maybe she would be more willing to try it. Try to make it work for you, be consistant, that is what we did and it worked.

We all have to do what works for our families and particular situation, but I don't know why everybody gets stressed over a baby not sleeping through the night, especially an infant. I have been reading your blog for quite some time, and you seem to be very good parent.
Dr. Ferber is not a sleep expert, he is a preacher. I really don't know how intelligent people accept this Ferber "method". The Ferber method does not benefit children. I don't claim to be a great parent or an expert, but most babies don't sleep through the night. It's a natural process and we shoud enjoy the moment. Soon they will be sleeping through the night on their own. I personally don't think it's worth the heartache to let a baby scream in her crib. It's cruel and unusual punishment in my book. My two year old did like to come out of his bedroom every two seconds, and I did take measures to stop that behavior--but an infant--no way. Love your baby, let your baby have the nourishment and attention she needs at night. She has no idea of the adult world we are living in, and doesn't have a clue that mommy needs her sleep. I nursed both of my kids and got up with them several times a night and they both slept through the night eventually (around 8-12 months) and gave up the pacifier on their own. I cried for the first couple months with my both of my children. It's emotionally and physically draining, no doubt. It all goes by so quickly, so I believe we shouldn't stress ourselves or feel like we are being robbed of our sleep.

Um, we don’t really sleep. Still now even.
We have 3 boys- 11yo, 3yo, and 15 months. With each we tried numerous things, none worked.
None of them are great sleepers, even still now with my 11yo, he is wrestles.
Granted, the let 'em cry route was one we did not take. I don't know why really, I have no problems with this solution. Maybe we just felt we'd lose less sleep to get up for 5 minutes & make a bottle (or offer the boob in the 11yo's case) than to listen to them screaming. I suppose I could have taken 2 weeks vacation to try the method, but I suppose I saved that for when they were sick (haven’t had a REAL vacation since the 1st was born).
I give you & anyone who is successful with this method big credit. Too late for us now; I assume they won't be good sleepers until they themselves have 3 children who wear them ragged.
Or again, as my mother likes to point out, this is my punishment for living in a house with 4 penises.

re: keeping the comments civilized.

To Heather, yes. No one has attacked her.

To those of us who don't support the idea of CIO:
"You do realize that Dr. Sears and his AP disciples have probably taken out a hit on you. They're also probably studying every pro-CIO poster here and listing names."

As one of those people, I don't consider that comment to be very civilized. It was not the only comment along those lines.

I have been there. I've had a high-need baby who cried all day long and never napped. I CIO'd him. It tore my guts out, but it "worked". He DID learn to sleep, but I am still not sure of the cost. He's still high-need at six, and at four, we found out that he has sensory integration disorder. There was a reason he was so high-need, and that reason remained a need unmet.

I tried CIO with number two. It did not work for him. The longer he cried, the more upset he got. He did not "extinguish". Ultimatly, he and we survived just fine, and at 4 sleeps well and still takes naps several days a week. He is very well adjusted and independant. I don't remember their being that much struggle over sleep once I gave up on CIO and just let him tell me what he needed.

Now that I am on child #3, I have done a lot of research. CIO doesn't make sense to me on a cerebral level anymore--and I used to argue with my AP friends FOR it. I didn't even know there was such a thing as AP with my first son--but then I read about it, and it makes sense to me. I think that babies have needs to be met. The time to teach independance comes later. My dd is now 1. We are slowly working toward sleeping through the night and we are all very comfortable with the pace. None of us are crying.

More then CIO, i think the key is not to let them get into the habit of falling asleep at the breast.

Thanks to blogger101 for being braver then I. THank you for your voice of respectful dissent. I'm a chicken.

And, btw, AP is not a "new and modern" thought. It's how babies were raised many generations ago, and still are in more primitive areas of the world. Do ya'll think that there are babies CIO in the rainforest tribes? Somehow, I just don't see it.

Just because your mom did something and you "turned out ok" doesn't mean it's the only way.

I think parenting is a journey. Often with your first, you revert to the only thing you know--how you yourself were raised. What's important is that as a parent you continue to try to learn and develop your own ideas and find what fits best for you and your children. Make your own choices, but make them educated ones. If you are doing the research then more power to ya. If CIO makes more sense then a more AP approach, I am not going to be throwing any stones. But I'll shine up my slingshot for someone who has not researched all angles, brags their way is the only way, and knocks down ppl on the other side.

Don't do drive bys on ppl who think/parent differently. Even if they are AP Sears disciples.

My 9 year old daughter didn't sleep through the night until she was 1 year old. I didn't know about Ferber or anything like that. We were stationed in Japan, and pretty much away from anything "normal". So I essentially decided that I would feed her before bed, and if she woke up in the middle of the night, wanting a comfort nip, I wouldn't oblige. It was hard ignoring her crying, but eventually she learned that she had to wait...and it worked out okay.

Let's see, who else sleeps 12 hours a night plus a two hour nap during the day???? Oh, wait....ME!! Your child gives me hope that my own spawn will inheirit my slumbering habits!

After all this is the season of hope!!

You so did the right thing. It's hard to do but definitely is the way to go.

I remember when my boss and his wife had their first one. He kept coming in to the office and complaining about how tired he was. I asked him if the baby was crying alot at night. He said "no, he just does not go to sleep". His diaper was fine, he was fed, he just wouldn't go down. I told him that as long as baby's clean and dry and safe, just go to sleep and he'll eventually go to sleep too - otherwise that baby will figure out that you guys are total suckers and then you are totally screwed. Well, he did not take my advice, and they were totally screwed. Even when the kid was more than a year old he would not sleep through the night...

There's nothing wrong with litting the baby cry. As long as they are clean, dry, fed and in a safe place, let them "vocalize" as they need to and they will eventually get tired of it and fall asleep. It works.

Anyway.... glad you shared and kept comments open.

LOVE the new haircut! Looks absolutely fabulous on you. And those photoshopped kids books were hilarious.

Don't have any kids of my own, and my parents don't seem to complain too much about my sister and me. However, I'm sure horror stories will come out of the closet once I have my own kids. I know for a fact that my sister and I were not the best of sleepers. Heck, I wasn't a good sleeper until I was in college (and I'm still not perfect), and I think my sister still has problems.

Anyway, I think my parents just didn't take any crap from us. If we needed to come in and sleep with them, we had to sit outside their door and scratch on it (just a little bit, as my mom was a light sleeper) so they would let us in. I know there were some nights when we just fell asleep at their door, and other nights when we went back to bed because they didn't get up and hanging out in the dark hallway was just too scary! Having a fish tank in our bedroom was a nice touch, so that we could watch it if we wern't able to fall asleep. I do remember (at 4 or 5) watching the fishtank until the sun came up.

My parents also found that playing music at night helped. For a while there we often went to sleep to the sound of whales. Of course, the side effect of that was that I had issues sleeping without music (unless it was completely silent, which it never was), and so I wound up sleeping with a discman until I moved in with my boyfriend (and then had to adjust to sleeping with someone else in the bed, who always seemed to move JUST as I was about to fall asleep).

I did what I had to do. Everyone is different and everyone has a different tolerance level for sleeplessness, tantrumming, whatever. I'm sure if I had to do it again I would do some things differently but I can't, so I occasionally relive moments and beat myself up about it but then I do something that works well and I feel like super parent. My kids are good sleepers (3 yr old twins that sleep 11 hours a night and take 2 hour naps) and I can't recall exactly what I did to get them to be that way, but I remember my pediatrician telling be that letting my children fall asleep on their own was the best thing I could do for them. I'm getting a lot of good ideas from reading comments posted and I feel an affinity with the community you've created here. Thanks.

Wow. I thought I was the only mean mom out there. Thanks!

I have a policy, regarding people who have children. (and obviously who do not abuse them...woman what are you thinking, not letting her live on gummy bears?)

What ever works for you and your child is the BEST solution. Period.

We co-slept until she was past two...when one night, she decided that she wasn't going to settle down, and through the threats, and the frustration, I finally yelled, "Do you want to sleep in your own bed????"

She replied, "Yes."

And she went to her toddler bed, and has been sleeping on her own ever since.

Now, we've had some trouble keeping her in bed (she's 6 now) not with her coming to us at night, but her getting up and playing in the middle of the night...which we resolved partly by our good night to her. "Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite. I'll see you in the morning. I love you. GO TO SLEEP!!! Good night!!"

I'm not a fan of Ferber, but then I didn't have a baby like Leta. :) So kudos for sharing it with us.

Now give that poor starvling child some gummy bears you heartless momster!!

so, i don't have a baby. but i have a dog! and he's an attention whore! and he whines and whines and WHINES if you don't pet him. constantly. and i keep trying to not do it, but my god, i don't know how you can withstand the noise. and a baby crying has to be WAY worse than the damn dog whining. in my defense, though, it's this throaty HORRIBLE noise, not like other dogs.

how in the world did you not start digging in your ears with things just to MAKE THE NOISE STOP?!

i always give in. i should never have a baby, if i am this bad with the *dog*.

*sigh*
anyway, i envy your eventual willpower.

In comments 220, 329 and 338, "noodlebugs" said everything I wanted to say but 1. couldn't articulate and 2. didn't have the guts to.

I appreciate that parents use the same information to reach different conclusions. I understand why parents want to hear other parents came to the same conclusion because it is reassuring and validating. Does it mean we can't be friends if you let your baby cry himself to sleep? No. But we probably can't be friends if you can't allow me to say, "You know, that didn't work for us and this is why I didn't do it that way."

Meredith said: "The No Cry Sleep Solution is absurd, because the author basically admits to being human pacifier all night long. And we're supposed to listen to HER? And screw those martyr types who brag about "attachment parenting." As if I'm NOT attached."

Do you see? The judgment? It comes and goes both ways.

I'm a behavior analyst by training (Ph.D.), and what you did with Leta can be explained by behavior analysis.

It's all about reinforcement. It seems that in this case, Leta really liked getting fed/attention. It could have been that when she cried, often times, you went to her and comforted her (i.e., gave her attention). This is of course, normal and of human nature. So in terms of learning, Leta figured out that if she cries, she gets attention.

When you tried to decrease the amount of attention she got, you were putting her crying behavior on "extinction", and what she was going through when you took that attention away is termed an "extinction burst." In extinction (which is a horrible term by the way), you basically take away the reinforcer or reward from the environment that was maintaining the problem behavior. In an extinction burst, this is when Leta was testing you. In a burst, when the behavior that typically produced the reinforcer (like attention) is no longer producing the reward, then she'll try other forms of behavior or just try for longer periods of time. (Just think of when we put a dollar in the soda machine and nothing comes out -- in addition to pressing the button once, we might press it faster, several more times, or even hit the machine). When you didn't come in right away to comfort her, she was probably thinking, okay, if I cry a little more, maybe she'll come. And when you didn't come then, she tested you more, and more, until she finally learned that her crying wouldn't get the attention she wanted, and she gave up.

You did the right thing. Many parents make the mistake of enduring the crying for a long time, then giving in, which makes it worse because now the child knows that if he/she just persists, then he/she'll get what she wants. Good job.

my 11 month old still doesn't sleep through the night.
i exhausted myself with ferber, babywise, and dr. sears no cry. i guess it's time to try again, eh? :/

I only had the patience to read through about 40 comments, so forgive me if someone else has written about the same thing.

I have a wonderful 17 mo. old son. I am a single mother, and until I finish my degree (in the fall) I live with my parents. This has great advantages and horrible disadvantages - including the fact that we do not agree on how to get my son to sleep. I am a believer in the cry to sleep method because to me, it just makes sense. They know you'll keep coming in and picking them up if you do it once, because well it worked before. They're counting on it. My parents (whose bedroom is just down the hall from my son's - I'm in the basement and have a monitor), do not believe I should let him cry it out. Even after confirming with my doctor that he would be okay, and that I could let him cry for 25 minutes without checking on him first, don't pick him up, tell him its okay, leave the room, go again for another 15, repeat. I do think that crying it out altogether instead of the quick check ups is best, but I relayed my doctor's message. Boy did that go over well. I got accused of thinking that my parents were horrible people, that I didn't trust them, and that they were bad parents because they believed something other than what I did. I left for two weeks after a big blowout about sleeping, and it got better for a while.

Now every once in a while, like now, he stays up and screams. My parents get up early and need sleep, and even though I explain to him that if I'm consistent about it for a few days (letting him cry it out) that he'll be fine and he'll start going to sleep easier, quicker and without screaming. But I can't get the few days in. My mother has even gone into his room to rock him after I've told her not to. I feel like I don't have a choice right now because I do live in their house and I'm not paying rent, but I also feel like they are disrespecting me and my opinions on how to raise MY son.

A rock and a hard place, I guess. Until I am able to move into our own place, I take all the crap they give and just keep telling myself that it will all be okay soon. Sometimes it makes it a little easier.

We did the "pick up, put down" method with my daughter, at around four months. I picked her up when she cried and put her down as soon as she stopped, eventually moving to patting her, then edging out of the room progressively. It worked for us, she went from 10-20 minute naps throughout the day, to two 2-3 hour naps plus one shorter nap, and from waking up ALL NIGHT to once a night. It did take a long time to get rid of that one waking, sometime after she was a year old, but I found that manageable.

The lack of sleep is the thing I was most unprepared for, and my husband and I always say we were practically hallucinating, we were so tired. I would have done anything to make it stop.

I let all three of mine cry it out, and it worked wonders. My first born slept on me during the day for the first 2 1/2 months of his life! (At night he slept in his crib, who knows why?) Anyways, I couldn't take it and we let him cry it out at about 3 1/2 months, and it worked. All three of mine cried for just under an hour the first night. It was horrible! My secind child is still my worst sleeper, because I had my third just 19 months after having her, we never let her cry a lot during the night because we didn't want her waking up her big brother or her little sister. My youngest is by far my best sleeper, but I think that is a combination of the fact that we let her cry it out and she is a thumb sucker. My first two kids napped well into age 4, and I'm so glad they did. I love your blog, Heather! Keep up the great work!

I have a 5.5 y.o. daughter and a 1 y.o. son. My daughter has always been healthy, happy, and big, and, with little exception, slept well. She shared our room in her crib until she was 9 m.o., at which point she moved into her own room and was easily "ferberized" in only 3 days. My son, however, is different. He has reflux and is quite small for his age. At age 1, we finally decided we have to try the Ferber method, and he's been sleeping in his crib in his room for about a month -- but has only slept a full night twice. I can tell based on his cries whether he's crying because he's mad or lonely or when he's actually hungry, in which case I nurse him. So I'm doing "Ferber lite," I guess. I tried the "No Cry" solution to no avail.

In any event, I am always tired, but, in my opinion, that comes with the territory of parenting -- and, fortunately, children do grow! I am encouraged to hear that the majority of you posting have children who eventually sleep well. That said, I want to advise strongly -- especially for the sake of the parents-to-be who are reading -- against assuming that every child should be left to sleep 12 hours after any certain age (some books say 4 months, some say later). My son may be a year old, but he is dangerously little, and he does need to eat during the night sometimes. Not responding would be cruel. As his mother, I trust my instinct, and feed him when I know he needs it -- there is no book that can teach any of us that.

The other thing I'd like to add is that BREASTFEEDING IS NOT THE SOURCE OF SLEEP PROBLEMS. Several posts suggested that somehow giving up breastfeeding will improve sleep. But if you read through all of these posts, you'll see just as many bottle-fed babies with sleep issues. The benefits of breastfeeding for your child's health, even if only for a short while, outweigh any costs, as every doctor on earth will tell you.

Thanks to Heather for opening a discussion on this difficult issue... The only issue I know that's harder to discuss is about the decision to stay-at-home or to work! Opening up the comments helps us to know that none of us are in this alone, though, and certainly helps us to share ideas. So thanks!

Hi Heather -
I've been reading your blog for a while but am always too intimidated to comment. But when I saw this at BlondeMomBlog, I had to share:

http://blondemomblog.com/2006/04/01/saturday-morning-links-2/

Look! Elmo and 'crap'! How could I not think of you?! I mean, not that you have anything to do with 'crap', but only because of your willingness to share your inability to do it often . . anyway . .

Eh. Lazymom here. We just did the co-sleep thing from day one (first with an Arm's Reach co-sleeper, then between me and the wall), and I couldn't even tell you how often she nursed at night or anything, because it didn't disturb me enough to interfere with my rest. She slept with us until she weaned at 2.5 years, and even a while after that, because, well, it was just easy (Lazymom, remember?). And we have a huge bed.

As soon as we got in the new house and set up her toddler bed (converted from the never-used crib), Bella was just tickled to go sleep in her own bed at night.

Maybe we're lucky, but other than a late sleep-wake schedule brought about by my OWN late sleep-wake schedule, we just haven't had any sleeping issues. I always felt a bit like an outsider among new moms who were so exhausted all the time...I never had that, and never knew how to sympathize.

But before you're all ready to lynch me, we're certainly having our challenges now with Little Miss Hardhead. It's not all rainbows and lollipops!

Oh! I forgot, she HATED sleeping on her back. Plus, all the flat headed children I see lately scare the shit out of me.

So I put her on her tummy, and that's when she started sleeping through the night :)

Loved this post. Brought back some gut-wrenching memories, but I believe so strongly in the cry-it-out method that I'm really glad you wrote about it. My daughter was tough because she was our first and we'd gone through years of infertility, so the thought of her crying or suffering in any teensy tiny way was unbearable to us. We were well on our way to raising a dictator. Then we got reallllllly tired. She cried for about a week with us clenching our hands and me sobbing along with her. Ever since, she has been a champion sleeper (she's 12 now). You'd think the second kid would be easier, but not even close. This time we let him go on the road to dictator-ship even longer because we'd just ripped him from the arms of the only people he'd ever known (he'd been living with his foster family for 7 months until we could adopt him) and were terrified of deep abiding psychological problems developing in that little dictator brain. So by the time we got reallllllly tired again, it was way worse than my daughter. He was older, we were more tired, and he is about 1.756 million times more stubborn than anyone I have ever met. Took a good 3-4 weeks of complete and utter hell. But! He's now a champion sleeper who begs for bed when he's tired. He's 8 now. It sucks beyond all you can imagine to get through the hell of teaching them that the world will not end if they go through the night without seeing another human. But oh is it worth it. There is nothing better than a well-rested family.

I'm so glad you mentioned Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. That is a great book and it is the only that worked for us, and I recommend it to everybody. (At one point a good portion of the Santa Fe Mom's Club was using that book and raving about it.)

Sadly - it was harder to implement with our second child. When I finally got serious about it - at 18 months - when it was sorely needed and I was sleep-deprived beyond recognition - it again worked great.

For each child we had to do something different. For the first, we just told her what was going on - she understood what we were saying - and sat quietly reading with a booklight in her room, not getting her out of the crib. It took a couple weeks - a few nights to stop each night feeding.

With the second - that didn't work. So we let her cry ten or fifteen minutes, then calmed her down and put her back in the crib asleep. When she woke up again - repeat. Again, it took a couple really sleepless weeks for us, but it was so worth it. Now both sleep great, including for naps.

This is a very emotional issue for me. Like you, I feel like the sleep deprivation almost made me lose my mind and it scared me. We tried many things, but a lot of the tricks in books don't really apply very well to twins. I can tell you what definitely didn't work though: the Baby Whispering stuff. I had the same experience where setting one foot back in the room would just get them all riled up again. In the end what it really took was time. Unfortunately, the magic age of sleep turned out to be three.

Our little dude, now 7 months old, has been an inconsistent sleeper. In his first couple of months, he would only sleep in his infant car seat carrier, so one of us would crash on the couch and tend to his needs in the living room for the first half of the night, while the other would be sequestered in the bedroom with two fans turned up to drown out any crying; halfway through the night we'd trade. We thought about sleep training him by setting him up a sleeping schedule. But when it came down to it, we weren't disciplined enough to follow through and we realized it didn't suit his personality either. Our pediatrician concurred, pointing out that her patients and friends' kids who were put on rigid sleep schedules had come to be rigid in other parts of their lives. Sometimes the sleep deprivation really gets to my husband, but we both know the end is in sight, as gradually--very gradually--our son is reducing the number of times he wakes each night. Since we share a room with him (we have a small apartment), we wake up just about any time he does.

I think I used the "cry it out" method with my second baby unintentionally, simply because I already had to attend to his older sister, and by the time I got to him, he would have fallen asleep on his own. I don't think it went anywhere past 10-15 minutes though.

I have 3 kids myself and never had a problem with sleep after they turn 3 monts old. With my last two kids though, I have a dirty little secret....

letting the baby sleep on his stomach.

I just figured that's how parents have been doing it for ages (my generation were all put on their stomach). I tried it with my second baby as a last resort because he was very colicky. I watched him very closely at first and only did it when I was in the room. Then when he was able to lift his head up on his own, I just let him sleep that way. Later, when he was older, he would roll over to sleep on his stomach. The same goes for my third baby. They both sleep for 12 hours at night and also take naps during the day.

Heather, I remember you posting once that you let Leta sleep on her stomach and that was the only way she'll sleep past 3 hours.

I'm just curious, now that someone else has mentioned letting their baby sleep on their stomach, what do other parents think about this topic? My dad is a pediatrician btw, and I constantly argue with him about this. I just think there should be more research done in this area.

OOh er, excuse my spelling, I meant "Our Bodies, Our Babies" as the book title. It's a great read and helps to balance Sears, Ferber et al.

Weird - was just checking back in to see what others said - and here's the tummy sleeping thing.
Jasper - the third - I have slept on his tummy. I figure - the mattress is new and hard. We don't smoke, do drugs or other bad bad things.
I know the risk of SIDS is heightened, I know.
I also think there is a definite corellation with him being such a good sleeper from such a young age and me sleeping him on his tummy. He was presenting very similarly to the second non-sleeper prior to that.
He's also a really sucky baby, and being on his tummy meant that he found his fist easily and had isolated his thumb by 8 weeks. Yes a tummy sleeping, thumb-sucking SLEEPER.

I did the same thing. Let my first born scream it out. It was Summer. We lived in an apartment and to keep the neighbors from turning me in to family services for child abuse I sat outside on the stairs. I figured that if they could see me they would know that I wasn't in there beating him to death. He truly sounded as if he was being beaten!

I don't have any children, but at twenty-three, I can still say crying makes me exhausted (physically and mentally).

Maybe that's part of the reason kids fall asleep. They cry so hard and for so long they eventually pass out from sheer exhaustion.

I'm no scientist (so I'm probably wrong), but it's an honest guess. I just like how everyone gives insight - especially advice I can use later in life!

I read Dooce on a weekly basis. I enjoy reading Dooce. And I appreciate that she opened this particular topic up for comments. That said here goes my opinion on this one:

I am amazed that it seems the majority of commenters here think it's OKAY to let your young (6 months!) child cry it out to sleep. AMAZED. There are other ways to encourage sleep in young children. And whoever said that a 6 month old should be able to sleep 10 hours plus without waking or making a peep, is in my humble opinion, out of their mind. OR of the mindset that you have children, pop them out, and as quickly as possible try your hardest to pretend your life hasn't changed. Parenting, IMHO, does not end at nighttime. Young children NEED their parents in the middle of the night. I have an acquaintance who "Ferberized" her young son and proudly stated one day that he had developed a stomach bug in the middle of the night, threw up all over his sheets, crawled out of his crib, cleaned himself up with tissues, and crawled back into bed. Is this something a parent should be proud of? That their kid is so afraid to need a parent in the middle of the night that clean up their own barf at under 2 years old?

There are other options then letting your child cry it out at night. If the lack of sleep is exacerbating PPD or some other illness that could negatively impact the entire family, I obviously understand doing what you can to protect one's own mental health. But other than that, parenting doesn't end at 8pm. There's a book called The No-Cry Sleep Solution. And someone named Dr. Jay Gordon, who has written about gentle methods to encourage your older babe to sleep (preferably the baby would be a year or so old).

And YES, I have two small children. One of which did not let anyone in the house sleep for more than 1-2 hour intervals for the first 7 months. And after that we were lucky to get 3 in a row. I was exhausted, spent, etc. But I couldn't imagine letting my young baby learn to "not take advantage" of his parents. Yech!

just when I think I am ready to have kids I hear about this screaming sleep thing.

I think I am going to just raise ferrets. yep, ferrets it is.

Anita et al: I know your post wasn't a direct response to my comments, but I wanted to reiterate what I said above about PPD and CIO--a mama needs to care for herself BIGTIME if PPD is an issue (besides, of course, seeking help, etc.) Lack of sleep DIRECLTY impacts depressive illnesses. I don't think that Heather is looking to see if she made the right choice here. She is sharing, right? We're all sharing. My opinion differs than most here. And I don't want this to become the Bearsmama show, but it's something that I feel VERY strongly about, as you can tell.

Do you really read this many comments? I am so glad I finally found someone who agrees with me on sleep issues. I did almost the same thing with my daughter. She got to keep her pacifier, but I quit feeding her. We did it at 3 months because I had to go back to work. I knew she wasn't really hungry at night anymore because she would eat an ounce and fall back to sleep. I cannot believe the blogs I read about co-sleeping, etc. and children who are 18 months and still not sleeping through. Sure some children are poor sleepers naturally, but I can see where a lot of it is something the parents are doing/not doing. My daughter slept in her own bed in her own room from the day we came home from the hospital (we did try having her in a cradle in our room, but we kept waking each other) and guess what? She lived!! And she's an extremely happy and smart 18 month old who's only waken at night a few times in the last year. Thanks for the vent, and by the way, I love your blog.

I am seriously considering reporting you to CPS after reading that entry. That is the most appalling account of child abuse I've ever read. You should be ashamed of yourselves for abusing a child in such a way.

393, you're a jerk. Child abuse is a serious thing, and you're making light of the situation by making a libelous statement. Appalling is starving your child. Appalling is beating your child until it has to be hospitalized. Raising children is a stressful, insanity inducing job sometimes, and what right do you have to criticize someone else's parenting methods? If the child is happy, well taken care of and loved, who are you to say boo about it? Do you think time outs are appalling too? Maybe you should go report someone who sternly speaks to their child. The horror! You should be ashamed of yourself for taking away from the severity of a very serious issue and trying to cause mom guilt. Shame on you for the mom guilt!

Please forgive me for this, Heather.

Ecobabe, Bearsmama, 'thatsjustnotright': It must be really nice on your smug, judgemental little planets. May your next preganacies be triplets, all with colic.

(BLAM! go the landmines).

You are so brave to open this up to comments - I've seen this discussion turn ugly more times than I can count.

Our daughter will be 11 months old in a few days and I can say that we've done a little bit of everything. The key for us is to be flexible - what currently works for us wouldn't have worked so well 6 months ago. We co-slept full time from the time she was about 3 weeks old until she was 8 months old. I nursed her to sleep for every nap (THE HORROR!!!) and she would nurse frequently throughout the night.

At 8 months old we started tranisitioning to the crib. I started with naps and much to my surprise she took to it right away. No fighting, no crying, just pure bliss for me - being able to put her down drowsy/awake and her just drifting off to sleep all on her own.

Nighttime was a different story. She wasn't having any of this crib business after dark. We added a little bit of CIO to our routine at that point. I would let her try to get herself to sleep for 10-20 minutes and then go in to help if she was still carrying on. After a few weeks, she was going down without a fight and we had completely phased out the co-sleeping with minimal trauma to baby and parents.

She's not STTN yet and I'm OK with that. I get up to nurse her at least once during the night (unless she's teething!) and that is currently working for us. I can see the end in sight as the number of hours she sleeps before waking continues to stretch out.

That is what works for our family. I think we totally would have decided to do something different if I would have gone back to working outside of the home.

We did the Cry It Out method sort of like what you did but with less agony. We also played him music while he cried so that he would have something soothing him. He gave up the pacifer on his own at 3 mos. He's been sleeping a 12 hr night since he was 4 mos. The first night our son slept through my husband and I were both so thrilled. It's an amazing feeling.

I was 20 when I had my son, and I didn't have any books, but I knew if I was going to keep any part of my sanity, he would have to sleep through the night. He wouldn't fall asleep unless he was being hed, and walked, and rocked... We finally said enough and stopped going in when he cried. We would sit outside on the porch with the baby monitor for hours, listening to him cry. It took weeks to for him to sleep through the night, but once he did, I felt a little more human.

I wish I could say what worked for us but at 8.5 months old we still wake up many times a night. Cricket is breastfed and we co-sleep but at this point I'm not willing to do any sleep training. He'll sleep when he's ready. Too bad I've been ready for 8 months now.

Follow-up question to my earlier post:

Who says that Attachment Parenting and the Ferber method are incompatible?

I co-slept for as long as I could with both of my kids (probably 4 months, then in the same room for 5 more months with the first; a year with the second), continue to hold my 1 y.o. for most naps and "wear" him often, still breastfeed on demand -- and I still believe that Ferber can be a useful tool in my parenting arsenal. As I said before, I'm doing "Ferber lite" with my son, responding to cries for hunger on the nights when he needs to be fed because he's so very small yet -- but both he and I are definitely more rested since the move to his crib, so I'm glad we've made the break and, gently, ferberized. We've been at it for a month, and he probably still wakes to feed once per night 30% of the time -- but it's so much better than incessant night nursing just because it's there and available! And I DO consider myself a believer in AP, still.

Oh, and to those out there who are "hating" -- I'm ashamed to be posting to the same blog as you. Can't we share ideas without being rude? I thank God for people like Heather who are able to share their stories of PPD and what worked or was needed to help them get through it. I'd rather read discussions of the merits of crying it out over news accounts of women with PPD exacerbated by fatigue snapping and hurting themselves or their kids -- don't you agree?

What can I say? We were spoiled rotten by our now 17 month old.
When she was born, she slept four to six hours at a time for the first two weeks. Mind you, her "bedtime" was at 7 or 8 in the morning, so while I was getting sleep I was dazed and fuzzed from sleeping and rising during the same day (and during daylight), but it was something, at least.

I began turning her around (waking her for feedings, stimulating her to keep her up, etc.), and by one month of age she was going to bed at 1-3am, and sleeping for five to seven hours.

By two and a half months of age she was going to bed by 1-3am and sleeping 9-12 hours a night, and taking one or two naps during the day.

Now it's the same, only about three months ago we started getting her down at a more reasonable time - 11pm-1am rather than 1-3.

For those of you who practiced CIO with your children...I wonder...while you were listening to your babies scream in their own rooms in the dark at night...some to the point of vomiting...did you cling to your spouse? did you long to hug someone as you sobbed thinking about your poor baby crying? you're grown adults. you knew what you were doing, you thought it was "best". you knew WHY you were doing it and you knew you still loved your babies. yet you still cried in pain. and were able to cling to someone in that pain - something you denied your babies.

so now imagine how your babies must have felt. they DIDN'T know what you were doing. they DIDN'T know that it was "best". they DIDN'T know *why* you were not answering their desperate cries for help and comfort. you had the benefit of cognitive development, the benefit of age and "wisdom", and yet you STILL cried. you STILL clung to each other as parents, something that you denied your infants. and you STILL seek affirmation YEARS after the fact on a blog site. do you really not see the hypocrisy and cruelty in that? if you *truly* don't see that, then dealing with the "negativity" of some of us anti-CIOs are expressing is the *least* of your problems.

Had to respond to one other particular thing here. AMYL-You really are making LOADS of assumptions about my parenting. Am I a member of a club I didn't know about?Am I striving to be part of a "cult" b/c I have a specific viewpoint and opinion on this one topic? I am amazed, again, as others have said, that with the forums we have available and the kind of intelligent people who read and post comments here that we can't have a discussion. Or allow others to have a different viewpoint.

I am also amazed that if I am clearly in the minority in this here, why, oh why, am I so threatening to you and others, AMYL? Shouldn't I be the one who feels threatened by the majority's opinion?

Thanks again for letting this debate linger on and on and on and on, Heather.

Twins, baby. MY doctor neglected to tell me that my TWIN girls could sleep through the entire night. They were SEVEN MONTHS OLD when she told us. Sorry I'm yelling. I must still have issues about this. I think I'll blog about it.

un-fucking-believable.

It always amazes me how some people feel it's more important to be right than show compassion or be considerate.

Thanks for once again turning this into another drama about you.

Hmmmm. My two year old is the worst sleeper, and I truly believe that. He wakes up throughout the night, and we have read all the books, tried every different tactic from CIO to baby whispering (a crock).
For whatever reason, our one year old is the best sleeper. She sleeps all night and takes a nap in the afternoon.
What did we do differently? I have absolutely NO IDEA. Random stroke of luck, I guess.

My first child, who is now five, was a great sleeper. At three months we moved her from the bassinet into her own crib and she slept like a champ for 6 hours, then 8, then 10 and so on. Never a problem. My 9 month old? Not so easy. He goes to sleep around 8 and gets up around midnight for a quick bottle and some brief nursing. I know he's supposed to sleep all night and not need to eat but he wakes up and we're up anyway so we feed him. It was hard to get him to this point but the sleep deprivation was killing me. He would wake up at 2 and then 4 and then 6 and because we shared a room, he wouldn't stop fussing until I got up. Now we sleep in our office on a freaking Aero bed but he doesn't wake up until morning now so I guess it's working. All I can say is my kids were radically different in their sleep habits. You never know...your next one could be really easy.

Hi, Long time listener, first time caller. I am glad you opened your site up to comments I had wondered why you didn't. Comments are fun! As these show. Why is it that people get really upset just because someone dares to have a difference of opinion? I wouldn't bother posting but I feel very strongly about this issue. The issue being: "f you don't do it like I did you must be wrong". This like every other issue on the planet is obviously not black and white. You don't have to be in the either the"Attachment Parenting Cult" or the "Leave'em and Beat'em" school of thought which can be seen as equal as cultish. That is just an easy way to vilify people who don't believe the same way you do. I think it might depend where in the country you live to which "Cult" it is that will try to make your life hell. If I thought it would help I might give some kind of public plea for Motherhood Solidarity, but I won't. I won't ask for the impossible. I don't think we need to freak out because some people obviously didn't agree with Heather's decision, she is an intelligent women and she probably expected worse. As to the "worst case of child abuse" person, can we not all spot a fake land-mine when we see it? As for me I have a 23 month old and one that is 3 years and 3 months and this is our sleep story: With my Son we didn't intend to co-sleep but he did so he slept with us for the first 5 months. He was sleeping through the night when he was one week old. He would wake up for a the breast and then bottle around 6am eat and we would both go back to sleep until around 10am. After 5 months he slept in his crib in our room until about 18 months. We had a brief pacifier falling out problem around 9 months but we just stopped putting it back in. He slept peacefully until he was about 20 months old. This is when I tried the CIO method. Which did not work at all. I think the problem got started by just a couple days of us getting off our usually schedule. At this point my daughter was 6 months old and would want a 6 am bottle like her brother did but she want to be up by 9am so when Gabe would refuse to go to sleep by like midnight we had a serious problem. I tried letting him sleep with us (we'll me, as my husband worked nights and another job by day) but after trying it twice and him playing by himself in the dark until 3am I knew that wasn't going to work. I tried letting him cry it out in his crib in his room. Him and I both cried for 3 hours. If I had known my son as well then as I do now I would have known he would never give up that easy. What finally worked: Putting him to bed and laying next to the crib on the floor reading to him until he fell asleep and then sneaking out. Then just laying there and then sneaking out and by then he was just re-used to going to sleep. Now, despite that he has a really cool race car bed, he sleep on the living room couch. Why? Because he will sleep there. I don't care if he sleeps in the bathtub or in a kitchen cabinet as long as he does go to sleep. My daughter on the other had has sleep through the night since the day she came home from the hospital. Her doctor at the time told me I needed to wake HER up every 2-4 hours to feed her. I said "OK" and thought "YEAH RIGHT". She was going to bed around 10 waking up to eat around 6am and going back to sleep for a couple more hours. Why would I intentionally start her on something I would eventually have to stop her from? How would that be fair to her? Although I think most sleep problems are un-intentionally started by the parents. So Gia kept the same schedule until she stopped having the 6am bottle. For a little more then a year she wakes up between 7-9am. She slept in our room in her bassinet until 4 months and then (I wish I could hear the gasps) in our room in her vibrating bouncy chair until she could get out of it around 7 months. Then she slept on one one of those little fold up couches in the living room until about 6 months ago and now even though she has an adorable little bed with a pink canopy she's never slept in, she sleeps on the other couch in the living room. She has never slept in a crib in her life. Do I care what anybody thinks about this? No. And by the way Gia still needs a bottle of water to go to sleep (Gabe completely willingly gave up the bottle at 14 months), Gabe used a pacifier until he was two and half (Gia never wanted the thing) and they are both still in diapers (Gia will take her own diaper off if it is even slightly wet, throw it away and bring you a new one, Gabe couldn't care less if poop was running down legs even then you will probably have to chase him down to change it). I guess my long winded point is that all children are not the same, all families are not the same and all Mothers are not the same. You can't be-little someone one else for doing what they need to do, because you don't know, you might have done the same thing. I think yes, letting them cry it out is potentially harmful, because a young baby especially those young enough to not understand Object Permanence will not understand and won't even know where you went or if you will ever come back. Do we know if they will even remember this a week a later? Will they be scarred for life? We don't know. I think in Heather's case that with PPD that it was probably the best decision from what I understand of the condition. At least she is not now posting about how she threw Leta out the window and is thankful she landed safely in the bushes. You can't judge if you just don't know. I admit that I am throwing stones at the stone throwers because I am VERY against spanking but I know not everyone believes the way I do and that is the way it will always be. I could rant adamantly for hours my position on this but why? I don't know everything and neither does anyone else. I am going to raise my children exactly the way I want to and so is every other Mother whether I or anyone agrees with it or not. Yeah, it would be ideal if we were required to have a Doctorate in Child Psychology and Human Development before we were allowed to procreate but that's not possible or in-forcible. Some of us will screw their kids up, some will do a great job. Some kids will over come being screwed up and turn out great and some will screw them selves up despite a great upbringing. We will continue to have a pleasantly diverse human population. I am just going to do my best and hope everyone else does the same.

Ok so i don't have children, so therefore I'm fully aware that "self-important, know it all" breeders will tell me I'm completely unqualified to have any opinion at all.. But quite a few things P me off about parents. Its the way you can't just get on with parenting and have to come up with all these pretentious terminologies.. Come on you either let your child cry, which as far as i can see will not kill them, and will teach them that to just get on with what they're supposed to do which is sleep.. They are not going to become emotionally traumatised, they will not end up as serial killer (well they might but it won't be because you let your brat cry until he/she slept). Can you just all get on with it please..
If you chose to let to let your child sleep in the bed with you please don't be stupid and call it co-sleeping for goodness sake its not a "new concept" you are JUST letting your child sleep in your bed, and lets face it if you can handle your child taking over your bed and sleeping uncomfortably and waking up to stick your tit in its mouth whenever it decides is necessary and you can handle the inconvenience just GET on with it.

It seems to me all the bleeding heart hand wringing parents do with their children has less to do with whether the child is actually going to suffer or not and a whole lot more to do with proving to other people how fantastic a parent they are and they LOVE their child sooooooooo much and I can prove it by the fact that I'm worrying over something that really isn't that big a deal.

So I beg you please put the books away stop fussing over your children and just get on with it. Look at how many adults and older children are alive and well today and they all had to have learnt how to get through a night. I've never heard of sleep training killing a child yet.

Please people just get on with it, and stop worrying about other people's opinions its all just called parenting and not one person on the planet has ever done it perfectly.

Hi Heather. This is my first visit to your site and I really loved it.

I am a first time mom from India and I did the Ferber technique as well. Talk about land mines. Here it is completely not done to let your child cry for anything so I get a lot of shocked expressions when I explain how I got my son to sleep.

The Ferber technique has worked for us...somwehat. It's been almost 6 months since we started (my son is almost 11 months old now) but he still cries. On some nights, he will go to sleep without a whimper and on most nights, he protests loudly for a minute or so. But once in a while he will bawl for 15 minutes!!! I wonder when he will be fully trained.

My Uncle and his partner had a child. The child was allowed to sleep in their bed, and took up so much room my Uncle was forced to sleep in the childs bed. That child was spoilt, and given everything she demanded because it was "the right thing to do". 12 or so years on, that child is now a precocious brat, and my Uncle and his partner split up because after 8 or so years they were still not sleeping together and they had no opportunity to be close in THEIR bed like partners should.

So, forgive me if I believe that when I have children, them crying for a couple of hours until they get used to their own bed is better for them in the long run than my partner and I splitting up.

I am so shocked that there are so many people posting (especially those with no children) that seem to believe that it is "no big deal" that children are left to cry alone in a dark room at night. If *YOU* were crying, sobbing, nearly vomiting...and you turned to your spouse or SO and they just walked away from you and left you alone in a room to "cry it out" - how would that make you feel?? would it make you feel loved? when you finally pass out from exhaustion, would you be grateful that they had left you alone to sleep by yourself? I swear it seems like people who practice CIO treat their children more like pets than HUMAN BEINGS who have the same feelings as we do. The only difference is that they feel MORE intensely and have LESS of a clue WHY. You would think that would garner more compassion than "training".

Oh,and someone mentioned that it's a shame we don't all have to have PhD's in Child Psych or Human Development before having kids. HA. Well, I'm in my final (6th) year of a PhD program in Human Development and it *sickens* me that people somehow feel that they can read a few bestsellers on sleep training and call themselves an expert. Ferber, Weisbluth, all of these authors don't know jack about human development.

Parenting doesn't stop at night. If you wanted to get a great night's sleep every night for the first few years of your children's lives, well...sorry. Sorry for your kids, that is.

You might be happy to learn, that my little cousins have vitamins which come in the form of Gummy Bears!! You should check into it, she'll never know the difference! :)

So, umm, let me see ... Ma said not to talk politics and religion. Should I be adding child rearing to that?!

My wife and I have a 6 week wait for a new inclusion into our lives - I was thinking all would be swell once the little blighter popped out of the mothership.

But alas, it seems I'm ignorant to the importance of many kid wrangling techniques - ie pacifiers, tin-foil windows and CIO methods...

I'm beginning to think my: 'watch late-night sport on tele until the babe-in-arms passes out' method, just isn't gonna cut it.

Then again... maybe if I just stuck with it for five days!

Man I wish I would have done that with my son. My son had asthma pretty bad as an infant so we ended up letting him sleep with us.....which led to me being the HUMAN BINKY. At the time, and being a new mom, I was too paranoid to let him cry too long because of the asthma. Man if I only knew then what I know now! It wasn't until my son was 3 that we had him fully sleeping through the night in HIS own bed, and not ending up in ours in the middle of the night. I will do things different next time around that's for sure.

Inca mama get over yourself no one is going to give you a worlds greatest mummy medal. You are correct there would be no way you could make me feel bad about parenting.. I don't subscribe to your up yourself "I make such a sacrice for MY children and any body else who doesn't obviously must be a bad cold and heartless mother".. The countless comments on here where mothers have admitted to crying over the fact their children will not sleep, and the frustration involved in it so obviously someone is making them feel bad.
Children need to learn they cannot get their own way just by crying for attention. As for your comment about whether i will allow them to sob themselves to sleep when in a life crises, why not??? Its hardly abnormal.. hopefully they'd be able to come and talk to me about it but not whinge and whine, everybody goes through life crises and we all just have to deal with them to be made to feel that crying in down periods is abnormal or wrong is just harmful also. Mother children by all means but treating them with kidgloves and mollycoddling them i dont believe is the way to help them learn to deal with real life.

Chantelle: i don't want any medals. i don't seek approval from others, just as you don't. you say that children need to learn that they can't get their way just by crying for attention. do you think that an 8 week old is trying to do that? trying to "get her way"? do you think that an 8 year old has the cognitive capabilities to think such a thing? i'll help you out on that one: NO. an 8 week old does NOT have that capability. Plain and simple.

And re: you letting your children sob themselves to sleep when they're older...seriously? why not? you need an answer for that? maybe - compassion. maybe - love. maybe - you're their parent and are there to offer COMFORT. maybe, just maybe.

Oh, and i *beg* you to find a place where I've said that it's abnormal or unhealthy to cry. What i think is abnormal and unhealthy is to purposely withhold comfort from your INFANT. i expect my children to cry. and i expect to be there for them when they do.

i don't "coddle" my children. i respect them. i love them. i treat them as i would like to be treated. do you want to talk about the real world? in the real world, when they are adults, they get to CHOOSE who they sleep with. you sleep with your partner, do you not? you CHOOSE that? most of you, in fact, have CHOSEN to sleep with your partner and have CHOSEN that your bed should not include your children. that's your CHOICE. so in the REAL WORLD, your children will be able to CHOOSE who they sleep with. but not in your home, oh no. you're "preparing" them for the "real world" when they will be forced to cry themselves to sleep. what a sad, sad life you must envision for your children. i don't ever want my children to "learn" that that awaits them in their bright future.

I thought long and hard before I decided to comment. With our first, we did sleep training. Going in every couple of minutes and soothing. Between the first and our last we had read more, learned more, and IMO became better parents. By that time we had moved to complete co-sleeping. IOE our first and last proved the attachment theories correct. Our first was more clingy and insecure where our last is much more secure and independant. I really regret our choice to sleep train our first, and it's hard to admit that. Any time you make a choice that others are going to label as bad or "damaging" you're going to get your defenses up. You want your chocie to be right, you want to feel secure in doing the best job that you could. We found that what made the most sense to us, what worked the best for us, and what we felt was the best choice was co-sleeping. We read things like The Continuum Concept, Dr. Sears Attachment Parenting, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. Then we read things like the Harvard article above that re-inforced our choice. I can't imagine what a difficult time in that must have been for you Heather, I'm so glad that you've made it through to be where you are today.

I don't think anyone here is advocating letting an 8-week old sob themselves to sleep. But when your child is older, heartier, heavier, and they still take pathetic naps, have trouble soothing themselves to sleep without much parental intervention, and still wake frequently (3-6 times a night, anyone???), sometimes some tears are in order.

Most 'sleep experts' agree that prior to 3 months, most babies are still working out their sleep patterns, and sleep training at this point is not warranted. But there are still methods one can use to 'encourage' healthy sleep habits in your baby.

My daughter is 5 1/2 months old. She still wakes in the night to nurse. Last night it was twice, but sometimes it's 3 or 4 times. I'll work on that sometime after she turns six months. She's 17 pounds already, and she shouldn't need to eat that frequently in the night. But for the time being, I'll stick with it.

As for naps and at bedtime, she goes in to her crib awake. It has been relatively painless, and I feel I'm doing her a favor by helping her realize that she can go to sleep without a nipple in her mouth, or without being walked and bounced endlessly.

Well, I'm not going to comment on what I did or didn't do for how long, for which child....

However, I will say that I've seen this particular Mommy War go and come both ways. I was ridiculed and attacked and told I was an imperfect mother by the sleep-trainer moms for the times I thought it was best to have my baby/toddler in bed with me, not let her cry because of night terrors or new teeth or just because. I was severely warned against the physical dangers, all the emotional and even sexual scars I would be inflicting by co-sleeping or rocking or nursing my child to sleep.

And so I just stopped telling people. People...mostly other women.

Then, came the backlash against those times I let her whimper or cry. And then it whipped around one more time. Honestly, I hear the subtle and not-so-sublte messages of "my way is best" from both sides, even in our defending and defensiveness.

Ah well. As long as we're warring with each other, getting the last word in, defending ourselves and feelng as if we must be on the defensive, men can sleep soundly at night without their hands over their crotch. ;-)

That's my balck-helicopter feminist rant for the day.

I will say that as someone who has worked with SIDS families, when people do ask my assvice about sleep training, I tend to lean ever-so-lightly toward recommending that they wait until 6 months to begin sleep training. There is no one cause for SIDS, and they jury is still out (last I looked) as to what extent frequent waking in *some* children is part of a rescue response. The reason I personally use the 6 month mark is that is statisticaly when SIDS deaths drop off sharply. But, I'm not a doctor or researcher myself, sooooo...grain of salt, all around.

And, not to be hysterical about it...SIDS is relatively rare, but, you know...people ask me and that is my only caveat about sleep training. Well, that and when a child still needs night feedings to maintain weight, nutrition, etc.

Anyway...

No, I am not joking in my response.

As for who loes their child more or less, that is of course, subjective. However, I would wager to say that given the facts...

A loving mother who attends to her infants needs even if she is *inconvenienced*....

versus a "loving" mother who ignores her infant's screams so she can get in some beauty sleep...

I mean I am not a rocket scientist, and I am 100% POSITIVE that you, chantelle in NO way are.... I wonder who *appears* to love their child more in that situation.

Love sometimes requires sacrifice. Love sometimes requires that we put SOMEONE ELSE'S needs before our own. Love sometimes requires that we inconvenience ourselves a tad bit so that the one we love feels safe or loved. Love means that we don't sit back and drift off into a peaceful sleep with earpplugs in as our newborn infant screams for us in another room.

It is extremely simple actually. It has to be for some of you to understand it, but it is anyway.

Forcing your infant to scream in terror so you can meet YOUR needs while completely ignoring the needs of someone you *claim* to love more than anyone in the world... is selfish at best...cruel at worst.

If it gets you through the day to delude yourself into thinking that letting an infant scream for you as you ignore them -- well, I guess we all have little lies we tell ourselves so we don't have to face certain truths. I have a few of mine -- one of which though, is NOT that I let my infant scream alone without food, terrified that I had abandoned them --

That is your cross to bear. That is something you will have to answer to your child about when they reach the age of maturity. If they choose to have someone who would subject them to that in their lives that is.

Well, I really doubt that you're going to read comment number 449, Heather, but here goes.

I have a beautiful 18 month old daughter. For the first YEAR of her life, we were up at all hours of the night with her, rocking her, getting her to sleep, giving her milk, etc. She was tired from not getting enough sleep at night, and we were exhausted, too. It was taking a toll on our marriage (both of us work full-time as well), and our sanity! Finally we decided that we were just going to have to let her cry it out. We tried the method of going in every few minutes to soothe her first, but it only made things worse, just like you said.

Finally, we just had to do it. It was an awful two weeks or so, for all of us, but she sleeps peacefully through the night now. She goes down without a fuss, sleepy but still awake, around 7:45 or so and will sleep until we all start stirring the next morning, usually around 6:30. She is much happier (and dare I say it, healthier, too - she has gotten sick far less this winter than last winter). We are much happier. Life is good now.

We used the pick up put down method with our DD. You let them cry for about 5 minutes, then go in and pick them up till they are calmed. Then as the name says you put them back down. You slowly increase the amount of time you are away. Took two nights of doing this with our daughter before she would go to sleep on her own. Then when she would wake up in the middle of the night we would do the same. Eventually we would just let her cry on her own and drift back off to sleep. The only thing I dont like about the method is when we travel back to the States to visit my family or even go to Devon to see my husbands family it messes up her schedule and we would be back where we started. She eventually made her own schedule and is now happy enough to "tell us" when she is ready for bed and we dont hear a peeo from the lil monster till 6:30-7:30 the next morning. The wake up cal at the moment is "HELLO DADA" in a Bristolian accent, someone please help the child!:P

appalled and IncaMama, thanks so much for exactly proving the point I was trying to make earlier. If I had any desire to buy into Attachment Parenting or cosleeping, that desire is gone now after seeing the ludicrous amount of hysterical judgment in your posts. Congratulations, you've succeeded in alienating yet another person from your point of view. Way to go, guys! You're really helping out all the helpless children in the world your hearts are bleeding for. I don't want to associate myself with people like you even a teeny, tiny bit. I don't want to know people like you in real life or have to talk to people like you. We'll make the decision for our child we feel is best, but if I have to align myself with people like you, you can bet I won't be buying into your value system. Period.

But please, keep up the good work. Hopefully as more and more people get alienated by people like you your extremist views will fall out of vogue, which is really what would be best for everyone.

Ah the comment bashing.

I just wanted to throw some support your way, Heather. Although I am not a parent and don't intend to be for several years, I think both you and Jon have an unquestionable love for Leta and each other.

I was going to comment on how both you and Jon chose to stay home and raise her together, but figured that's another landmine, so I won't go into it. Regardless, your and Jon's love for each other, Leta, sense of humor and thoughtful parenting is a great gift to Leta. And your ability to not give into the whims of a stubborn, smart and determined 2-year-old is impressive. Leta will know her limits and feel safe, that's my opinion.

You don't give her gummy bears when she wants them (side note: I think you mentioned once they may actually be vitamins like everyone is suggesting, but c'mon still who says 'hey, it's vitamins, let's give her 20 to shut her up!' Now THAT would be not so good parenting) and teaching Leta to put herself to sleep is just good, thoughtful parenting. She's a CHILD, she needs adults to help guide her and not always give her what she wants. Are there different ways to accomplish this, certainly. But it sounds like you and Jon chose the best method for your family.

So yeah, that's my 25 and single opinion. But I just couldn't stand the bashing anymore.

Hey women, let's try and support each other through motherhood and other difficult periods of our lives, maybe not attack and name call? Just an idea.

Thanks for your thoughts, Heather. And thanks for putting up with this crap and still having a sense of humor and a willingness to write each day despite the hate mail. Dear, freaking, lord that takes some balls.

Entering the fray....

I have a 10-month-old, and we do some modified crying it out/sleep training with her from time to time. We started this because we were seeing the deleterious effects of her untrained sleep habits — on HER, not us.

We started at 7 months, when she was already often making it through the night by herself, but had a hard time getting herself to sleep at bedtime, and was napping for shit, like, 45 minutes, once a day if that.

After a couple of cry it out sessions, she now takes a 2-hour nap every day. She also is able to fall asleep by herself in her crib at night.

And here's the best part—she is a MUCH better natured child since we helped her find a way to nap for a longer stretch.

Right now, we are working on getting past night wakings. Before, when she woke and couldn't get back to sleep quickly, I would sleep in bed with her in our guest room, so as not to wake my husband (he works odd shifts). Eventually, I noticed that she was waking more and more, and I was sleeping with her more and more, and I was encouraging a pattern that was potentially damaging to my relationship with my husband, not to mention her sleep habits— she was actually regressing.

I know the different kinds of cries she makes, and I can tell when she's just tired and working out how to get to sleep, and when she's scared, and when she's in pain. When I hear the latter two in her voice, of course I go to her. When I hear the former, I do no one any favors by interacting with her, because it just revs her up again when all she wants is sleep.

I do not think that my way is the only way. Each baby is different, each parent is different, and each family is different, and while some methods sound extreme to me (I'm more of a menu person, choosing some AP stuff here, some Ferber stuff there, etc.), I think that if you think it through carefully with the best interests of you and your child in mind, then you will probably do the right thing.

And yes, I said you AND your child. I don't buy the viewpoint attitude that unless you sacrifice and subsume your needs totally in the face of parenthood, you suck: A sleep-deprived, resentful parent is probably not a good parent.

Once again I say: You are a brave woman, Heather.

I just perused the last 20 or so comments...mothers seem to truly be incapable of supporting one another, don't they? I didn't let my daughter cry it out, but I respect those who did/do. There are as many different parenting 'styles' as there are people...as long as you are not beating, starving, or assaulting the child, then whatever works for your family!

Really I am commenting just to say this: Heather, you are a great mother...and want you to know that some of us can see that.

I really thought I'd just stay away at this point. But honestly, I've never been so amazed by someone's comments before. AMYL-You obviously have some huge, weird chip on your shoulder about some of the commenters here. Once again, clearly those of us who do not believe in letting a babe CIO are in the minority here. WHY is that small percentage of people so clearly threatening to you? Also, you say you wouldn't want to know "these" people IRL. You are doing a GREAT job lumping a lot of people together. I know wonderful mama who have let their babe CIO, and I know terrible moms who haven't. Can't someone have an opinion that's different. And why, oh WHY, does it seem that you keep harping, defensively on the attachment parenting thing? The only thing I was commenting on was letting a babe CIO. AMYL-You really need to check your motivations here. Such anger coming from your posts. IRL, I like to be around people who aren't afraid to share their differing opinions with each other. Man. If your best friend, or sister, who you loved decided that they were going to attend to their baby's cries rather then let them cry would this force you to alientate yourself from them? Isn't it their business? I am continually amazed at the backlash such "radical" (ha!) views like not letting your babe CIO at night have gotten. Amazed.

Heather,
You probably won't read this, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for some of the very hateful comments posted on this entry (namely appalled). It's so ridiculous how people judge others. I know you know. I just want to direct these comments to that one particular poster (appalled).
You are one of those overly mushy, simple minded people I just can't stand...especially regarding parenting. I've heard it time and again since becoming a mother from many women on how they "just can't stand" to see their child hurt in ANY way. What about the mother's pain????? You know a mother is a HUMAN BEING too. And inparticular in Heather's situation, where she has time and again admitted having more than a hard time adjusting post partum, you would think that it might be clear as glass that she was JUST as important in this circumstance in terms of emotional damage as the baby. I get so tired of seeing and hearing mothers who literally lose themselves when they become mothers. What kind of mothers are they really, to have just decided that they don't matter enough to even get the basic of needs, ie sleep? Is that the role model they want to be to their daughters, that in order to care and love for another person, be it baby or otherwise, they must be MISERABLE!! Well sign me up on being a mom then if I saw that message as a young girl!! Teaching a child to comfort themselves is very important, it's a basic life skill for pete's sake. And it does matter how early you teach it, believe me. I still am amazed to see preschool age kids freak out EVERY morning some of their parents bring them to school cuz they are afraid to be left there. The goal in raising a child IS for them to fend for themselves you know, not just love them to bits and give them whatever they want, with no regard for yourself. Hell, even animals do this. A lion will let her cub starve to death if they can't learn to hunt on their own. God, please go and report them to the Humane society...those unfeeling bastards. I wish South Park would spoof this debate...it would be a great episode. I can see it now, CIO parents making their poor babies try and gather food on their
own, in their diapers, pacifiers hanging out of their mouths, while attachment parents walk around wearing their babies like life preservers.

And I dare say that Heather is THE type of role model many woman want to be! Wow, what a concept...a freethinking, independent, strong, compassionate, talented, creative, LOVING woman. And you must be an utter fool to even remotely charge with woman with not loving her daughter. I mean give me a HUGE break.

Heather sweetie, please ignore this moron and know that many of us women out here with daughters are alot like you in our actions being mothers and that we look up to you enough to use YOU as a role model for them.

I have a very strong feeling you may just not do comments much longer is this silliness continues, which would be a shame. But I sure wouldn't blame you, this is your family after all. Hang in there!

I don't have kids, but I do find it sad that this has deteriorated the way it has. And the CIO advocates are as bad as the Incamamas. People are allowed to have an opinion, even if differs from Heather's - otherwise why would she ask. But it sucks when we all start attacking each other. Can't we just talk about why we feel the way we do without attacking? Being a little smug is okay, but being insulting is not.

I loved what MaryA had to say. I just wanted to draw attention to it again.

She said: "This is an issue I've agonized over as a mother, and have been especially interested in it as a therapist and a doctoral student in psychology. I agree that parents need to find "what works for them", but also to be open to what works for children, and to try to have a good balance. Conversely, most moms feel like they have to sacrifice everything to grow happy kids, but that mom/baby relationship is about *mom* and *baby*, not just baby. It's hard for a mom to provide a secure base for her baby if she's not getting what she needs.

I feel lucky to have a good base in the research on child development. I have read many of the pop parenting books, Ferber, Sears, and they all have *some* solid ideas, but are not, ultimately, based on good research. Kids need for their parents to attend to them sensitively, respond to their cues, and help to regulate and soothe emotional distress. They also need opportunities, as developmentally appropriate, to practice soothing/regulating themselves. "The Ferber Method" and so-called "Attachment Parenting" are two misguided extremes, and I think there is a happy medium that is flexible and takes into account the individual personalities, temperament, and changing needs of both mom and baby.

It's impossible to meet *all* of your child's needs. That's a good thing though, because it gives the kiddos the opportunity to practice soothing themselves, with the sensitive scaffolding of a parent that is not perfect, but good enough."

I just wanted to remind people that fundamentalism on either side of the spectrum is not terribly helpful for insight to people who are loving parents (Whom I believe anyone who takes the time to read and post are). I think MaryA's comments are just common sense. And I know I appreciate that!

i find it very sad that NOT letting your child scream alone in the dark is viewed as "extreme". i consider it the very least i can do.

Hi Heather, I just wanted to show you some support for posting about such a controversial topic. I think it's really brave what you have done and how you always put yourself out there for the whole internet to read and, sadly, to judge. The people who are writing negative comments about you on this post need to find a new place to take out their anger and frustration because it is obviously tied to a much bigger issue that is clearly not what you and Jon have done for Leta. I hope that you can forget about those ridiculous comments as soon as possible! Take care. And on a side note, I love the audios of Leta she is so adorable :)

Heather, you rock. And the Hostile Mamas who for some reason think it is their business to raise your child can bite me.
I mostly wanted to give you something better to read besides the Hostile Mamas. So here it is: I absolutely love the new banner. I wish I could do needlepoint - someone should make a real cross-stitch out of that!
All the best to Jon, Leta, and Chuck!