The little bit we can talk about
Thursday, April 6 2006
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A few months ago I mentioned that Jon and I were meeting with a lawyer about what we should do with the severed head we'd stored in our trunk. He said he legally couldn't tell us what to do with it, but that whatever we decided would be fine, it's his job to keep our secret. Dude is worth EVERY PENNY.
We met with our lawyer for several reasons, disposal of dead bodies one among many. If there's one thing we've learned throughout this process it's that things involving the legal system take time, are still taking time. There are still things I can't talk about yet, but I can point out that Jon and I have formed a company, Armstrong Media, LLC, which is now featured along with the copyright notice at the bottom of this page. We did this for complicated reasons, but the only one that made any sense to me was that forming this company would prevent the IRS from breaking into our house and forcibly removing limbs of my body.
By doing this we can have taxes and Social Security and Medicare taken out on a regular basis instead of at one time in one very hurtful and potentially deadly lump sum. This is a mechanism to counteract our fondness for procrastination which reared its ugly head yesterday as we sat in our accountant's office going over last year's income and the taxes now due. You mean I owe how much? And I have how long until I have to pay it? When they come to cut off my leg please tell them to wrap the wound in a bandage because our insurance won't cover that type of injury. Or any injury whatsoever.
Our accountant is a lovely man who keeps referring to me as Laura Armstrong. He would catch himself and apologize, but there was no need because I'm used to that by now. I've been called Melissa and Sarah and Hannah my whole life, and there is no reasonable explanation for this. Last week I was checking my referrer logs when I found a guy who had written a huge post about how he had found this site and why he liked my posts about Mormonism, and he called me Sarah B. Armstrong at least five separate times. "To find out more about her," he said, "click on the picture at the top of the page where it says, 'My name is Sarah B. Armstrong. This is my website.'" Frankly, one of my very favorite writers on the Internet is Sarah B., so in my own little fucked-up dream world I get to be her for at least one whole blog post.
After meeting with the accountant we headed to the bank where we opened a business account with the help of a lovely woman who turned out to be the mother of a two-year-old. Except her two-year-old appears to be a Magazine Cover Baby, one that remains in a permanent state of bliss, so when she asked me if I'd tell her my website address I had severe reservations. Our baby is the one you see on the inside of the magazine in an editorial called "50 Reasons You Shouldn't Have Any More Children," so I didn't know if she'd be appalled by the fact that on various occasions I have threatened to donate the kid to charity. Tax write-off!
Interestingly, toward the end of the 1,000 line account application form we had to answer a litany of questions about the nature of our business as required by the Patriot Act. Really weird questions, like is any Senior Principal of our company the leader of a foreign political party? And, will we be accepting payments shipped from outside the country? Like on a boat? And will we be issuing stored-value gift cards? Huh? The questions went on and on, and finally I threw up my hands and said I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DID LEAVE MY BAGGAGE UNATTENDED.
I did ask what the problem was with stored-value gift cards. How exactly does that represent terrorist activity? Because if it does every member of my family should be arrested on my birthday. Jon pointed out that gift cards make it easy to buy things without a paper trail, and that would make sense if you could use gift cards to buy ammunition. I imagine Billy Joe opening presents on Christmas morning: "WANDA LOUISE! You done got me a gift card to the gun store!" Which makes me wonder, can you buy bullets with your $25 gift certificate at Wal-Mart? And if you can do you have any idea how awesome it is to be American?
Watch Heather share some intimate details of the sexual challenges she faced after having Leta at www.momversation.com.
- In celebration of That Awful Dog
Friday, 24 October 2008 - Mission accomplished
Thursday, 23 October 2008 - A rare moment of blue in a sea of red
Wednesday, 22 October 2008 - Dancing monkey
Monday, 20 October 2008 - Why any woman who intends to vote for McCain should reconsider
Friday, 17 October 2008
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1. RzDrms said:
CONGRATS! Love ya'll. :)
2. Carli said:
Yep, we pay annually, too and the hit that we take around this time of the year makes my physically ill just to think about. I love write off's though! Need a new digital camera, scanner, printer, ink, pretty paper clips? Sure, the business can buy them? Write off a portion of the house, heat, electricity, babysitting costs! Yippee! So it's not all bad, I guess. Best of luck on the new venture, and keep in mind even on Leta's worst days, that at least you and Jon are both in this together and can see her all day every day, which is what most parents would kill for. Now, about the body in the trunk....
3. CartwheelsAtMidnight said:
Hey! Look at you goin' all fancy on us with an LLC after your name. Cheers!
4. katbliss said:
Cool, but the big question is who gets to be president of Armstrong Media? My husband and I just incorporated as well. (He's president) I get a real paycheck and yell with delight everytime I get one. The company also pays to have my house cleaned, because, you know, the OFFICE needs to be cleaned! Best of luck.
5. Elenalyn said:
Full disclosure of all gift cards imperative for national security.
Bodies in the trunk?
Don't ask, don't tell.
6. Urs said:
the patriot act sucks.
7. Charles Hawtrey said:
Good call on starting the company. I know a lot of people who have ended up in serious financial woes for neglecting to take this step.
8. Snickrsnack Katie said:
Terrorism scares me as much as it does anyone else, especially after hearing those tapes this morning on the news of the hijacker on the plane that crashed in PA on 9/11. But to start harrassing people about their gift cards? That is a tad insane. Gift cards are the present of choice in my family! I can imagine how scary it must have been answering all those questions!
Way to go with forming your own limited liability corporation! You are so moving on up! Congrats!
9. the niffer said:
Will you ever tell us who the severed head belongs to and why it had to be severed?
10. Meg said:
I think this is brilliant planning and the next logical step. I wish you all the luck in the world with it -- I really think we're going to see big things from both of you. Bigger even than 8,945 comments on a single post!
11. Torrie said:
You Armstrongs are getting closer and closer to WORLD DOMINATION!
12. simzgirl said:
Congrats on becoming an LLC. Very cool!
13. sistieugler said:
congrats on incorporating yourselves... did it hurt?
as for the lady with the "perfect" 2 year old. fear her. because there is no such thing as a "perfect" 2 year old (my youngest son became a "terrible two" at 10 months... and, at 22, he's yet to grow out of it!) seriously, people like that give drugs to their children. or alcohol. maybe both.
also, in lieu of your own limbs, i say toss the IRS that severed head in your trunk... then blame them for keeping you from getting "ahead". (sorry)
14. Kevin Worthington said:
Congrats Sarah!
15. Sarah said:
Congratulations! My husband and I have our own business, and I think we will have to go the incorporated route as well once we find out what our taxes are.
Opening a business account (and everything else we do) has been further complicated due to the fact that my husband is a foreigner from that oh-so-scary country the United Kingdom. We still don't know when his status will be 'adjusted' to 'permanent resident' (the process takes forever), but in the meantime he can't get an SS# which means he can't get a US driver's license and he can't be added properly to our account. I can't even get a second credit card--connected to the account I've had for years--with his name on it.
Can't wait to see what else you two create in the coming year. ;-)
And damn if I get annoyed everytime that Sarah B. is mentioned since MY name is also Sarah B. LOL.
I'm not ashamed to admit that my heart skipped a beat when I saw those letters in your post.
16. Monyikka said:
Congrats to the Armstrongs All :-)
As a newly wed I can tell you first hand people LOVE giving gift cards-- too bad Target & Pottery Barn don't sell ammmo!
I knew we should've registered at Wal-Mart!
Been loving the site forever now, thanks for the laughter!
17. Sarah said:
Congratulations! My husband and I have our own business, and I think we will have to go the incorporated route as well once we find out what our taxes are.
Opening a business account (and everything else we do) has been further complicated due to the fact that my husband is a foreigner from that oh-so-scary country the United Kingdom. We still don't know when his status will be 'adjusted' to 'permanent resident' (the process takes forever), but in the meantime he can't get an SS# which means he can't get a US driver's license and he can't be added properly to our account. I can't even get a second credit card--connected to the account I've had for years--with his name on it.
Can't wait to see what else you two create in the coming year. ;-)
And damn if I don't get annoyed everytime that Sarah B. is mentioned since MY name is also Sarah B. LOL.
I'm not ashamed to admit that my heart skipped a beat when I saw those letters in your post.
18. geokaz said:
We too are going through tax payment panic at my house. Note to self: do not claim any of your children as dependents on your W-2, even if they are. Because when you make less than twenty thousand dollars a year after taxes, the only one who is dependent (and possibly certifiably insane for bothering to work and not just scamming welfare like all the polygamist do) is you.
Congrats on your company. Are you hiring? Don't worry, Apparently, according to the IRS, I'm cheap labor.
19. Sarah said:
I am a Sarah, and people call me Heather and Rachel. Maybe there is something to this.
Actually, I am a Sarah B. and I thought for one brief moment, you might have been talking about me.
Yes, I know I'm dilusional, but I found out years later the "I love Sarah B." that was spray painted near my junior high was me, so you never know...
20. mothergoosemouse said:
I'm feeling that severed-limb-kind-of-pain too, as I am faced with a tax bill that looks like I have a kid in college instead of two in pre-school. Actually, come to think of it, those figures are probably comparable...
There is a store in a strip mall here called Guns and Ammo. I plan to post a photo as part of my upcoming "we've been out west for a year now and here's how well I've acclimated" montage. I wonder if they sell gift cards?
21. Joana said:
Last night, after watching Chuck and his carton, I noticed the Armstrong Media, LLC at the bottom of the page and wondered if it had anything to do with you going to see a lawyer (apart from the severed head, obviously) and I was right! (Man, why can't I get the lottery numbers right?)
I wish you all the (business) luck in the world, hope you get better insurance coverage (read all about it at Blurbomat) and do great, great things!
You're brilliant!
*
22. Sandra said:
Congratulations on making it legal! However, despite my raving jealously at your popularity *grin*, a tiny part of me is glad that I only get 30 hits a day. Especially if I'd have to 'fess up on the gift cards!
23. Jennifer in Kansas City said:
We need a good second definition for "LLC". "Leta Loves Chuck" ??
24. suze said:
congratulations!
25. Mack'sMom said:
The Patriot Act was written by the Bush Administration, therefore a child could find away around it! If you were smart enough to run a international terriost plot, would you be dumb enough answer those questions truthfully!?! Hello, RED FLAG?
Gee, I done think uncle Ned is up to no good...he done gave me 500 gift cards to the Walgreens!
Plah-ese!!
Congrats on the LLC...you'll be around forever!! Yea!!
26. Tanya said:
I didn't even think of bullets. I was thinking about that nitrogen fertilizer stuff that they used to blow up the federal building in Oklahoma. (Because I have two half-used Home Depot gift cards in my purse. Which I'm not going to spend on fertilizer. Sirs.)
27. vegasandvenice said:
Well, congratulations on the formation of your new corporation!!!
28. LeafGirl77 said:
I saw the Armstrong Media, LLC thing there this morning when I dropped by. I wondered "How long has that been there". I honestly had no idea. Glad to see it's a new thing, and I haven't been out of the loop!
I'm intrigued by the rest of the story that remains untold.
29. electricboogaloo said:
Congratulations! You're like all official and fancy and shit.
After doing some contract work for a software company last summer, I had to fill out an impressive amount of paper work - more than 30 pages worth of detailed documentation - in order to register myself as a Contractor Who is Not a Terrorist. The client wouldn't pay me until I signed all these forms and answered all of these questions. But **nowhere** on any of the forms did it ask me "Are you a terrorist?" or even "Do you know any terrorists?" or "Could you maybe tell us where some terrorists might be?"
or "Because if you could? That would be very helpful."
30. Angela said:
Congrats on becoming The Man.
I love it that you are posting more. Each time I refresh and see a new post, it is like Christmas morning.
That sounds pretty cheesey, but it is the truth. :-)
31. JayAre said:
Congrats on being a corporation! I long to be incorporated... just into anything...
Actually, if my husband and I were a company, he'd probably fire me for gossiping to the pets about him.
32. BREM experience said:
Hmmm
Patriot Act eh? Sounds more like Privacy Invasion Act.
Why didn't you just lie? And give wrong answers, just to see what happens?
hehehe I know... I'm too funny.
So. How did you whack the guy in you trunk? We want juicy details. Gore. More.
33. Mack'sMom said:
I agree with ANGELA...I stop back through out the day hoping you have a new post! When there's something new it's like my birthday....shh, don't tell anyone I'm that easy to please!!
34. Susie said:
Congratulations, and sorry about the 2005 taxes. That happened to me the first year I worked completely freelance, and I nearly had a panic attack. We did the same thing (formed an LLC), and things have been MUCH better since.
BTW, isn't the thumbsucking thing way too cute? My son did it too, and while I'm glad he quit before elementary school, I still kind of miss that Linus look.
Anyway, you really have earned your success, Sarah. Enjoy it!
35. BigA said:
So does this mean your new business is like being a 'Cleaner' like 'The Wolf' in Pulp Fiction - cause that's the vibe I'm getting.
36. Strizz said:
I like guns that come in neon colors and have pump action with a backpack water tank. You can get those at Walmart.
37. Moyet said:
I was kind of bummed when I had my son because I had to take the body out of my trunk so the stroller would fit. I still have all my ammunition gift cards, though. ;)
Don't worry about the woman with the perfect 2 year old. Compared to my son (32 months) Leta sounds like a perfect angel. When I read about her adventures, I long for a child like that. It can always be worse.
38. Kelly Ferry said:
I knew you were a terrorist, but I had no idea you wanted to take over the world too!
(maybe you guys can make it a better place...)
Congratulations on the next big step.
39. Samantha said:
When you are Queen of the World can you make every Thursday Tequila and Tiara day? Seriously, Congrats!
40. Lolajb said:
Good God, you're funny!
41. Candace said:
First, my daughter loved the Chuck video so much that we had to watch it over and over and over. But it's fine, really, because it *is* awfully funny.
Second, you mean now I have to start worrying about my addiction to buying gift cards for everyone I know? Crap. First I have to censor myself while talking on the phone (no more idle death threats involving certain members of the current administration) and now this? What *is* this country coming to?
42. Jason said:
Can you please create a paypal button where I can click to purchase "weapons of mass destruction"? Or if you like, a giftcard will be just as good.
43. Sheila said:
So will Chuck be copyrighted now?
44. fred said:
it's not half as bad as the questions you get to answer when you donate blood.
"have you ever had sexual relations with a philipino in mexico city before the year 1952, or had sexual relations with someone who had sexual relations with a philipino in mexico city before the year 1952?"
....Dude.. I am only 25.
"please answer the question with a simple yes or no,"
..no
45. ieatcrayonz said:
Fanfreakingtastic! I hope you roll in the dough with your new company and perhaps end up with a pizza or maybe a nice pastry to boot.
So I'm guessing you didn't give the bank associate your website address? I think we all might have heard her jaw drop on the floor from shock and shouting to the rooftops, "Hundreds of comments in a day, who is this SUPER MOM? I have been in the presence of a true legend!"
Or maybe she popped a Vicodin and returned to her perfect little magazine cover baby world.
46. blondeinthemidwest said:
Dude, eh-hem, I mean Dooce, you CRACK ME UP!!! I spit Coke Zero all over my monitor just now...thanks for the laughs!! Congrats on the LLC...as a CPA I can tell you that you have made a wise move friend!
47. Caitorade said:
are you making Leta president? because that way all the blame is on her (and who isn't proud when their two year old becomes president of a media company?) ;)
48. CarrieICL said:
I'll bet $20 that you're writing a book.
49. Mrs Ca said:
Sounds like interesting things are afoot.
50. jascha said:
i agree with urs. stupid patriot act is a little overboard.
and you'd better get that head out of your trunk soon, it's going to start rotting.
51. m@ said:
If there's anything that scares me about starting a not-for-profit in the near future, it's gonna be the lawyer/accountant thing. It's not like I have anything to hide, per se...but just being around those folks sometimes is enough to subconsciously convince you that you DID do something wrong.
I'd fail an interrogation.
52. hilary said:
i think the stored-value gift card thing has to do with tax implications of having stored value... tax repercussions if you have sold something in one year that will not be redeemed until years later... congrats on the new company.
53. Wicked H said:
A toast to the Armstrong Media Empire!
Clink!
54. jes said:
I noticed a while ago (maybe last week?) the Armstrong Media, LLC and promptly went to the Utah Secretary of State website to see if your company was formed in Utah, or in California.
For some reason, I was CERTAIN you wouldn't form in Utah, and now I'm not really sure why.
I'm also not really sure why I cared.
55. The Bold Soul said:
Oh no. Every time I read a blog post lately where someone is talking about filing their taxes it only reminds me that I DREADING doing mine. I'm self-employed too (no LLC), file my own taxes (thank God for Turbo-Tax) and it's just a nightmare for me with the lump sum stuff. It makes me pray, every year, that I'm operating at a loss instead of at a profit. How sad...
56. Kate said:
Mmm yea, definitely a book.
57. susan @ yow said:
Congratulations on all the big business goings-ons! Funny post. Thanks for the mid-afternoon laugh.
58. Madchatthew said:
You are succefully on your way to being a mob boss...hehehe...heads/bodies in the trunk, creating a company to hide money...way to go...
I hope I don't end up in your trunk for figuring out the secret...lol
Grats
59. mama speak said:
My vote is for Chuck as president and Leta as VP. =) Do they get paychecks?
The woman at the bank was delusional; I’ll bet the pix of the kid came with the frame. LOL
Congrats on your new tax status!
60. Tiggerlane said:
CONGRATS to you both! Nothing like finally being incorporated to make you feel like you've made it thru an important rite of passage. Kinda like owning your first car.
I set up an S-corporation four years ago, and my one huge piece of advice is this: Don't let the CPA and the attorney handle everything without having a complete understanding of it all yourselves. You and Jon are very smart, and I'm sure you've got good folks, but if it ever comes down to an audit, YOU will have to be able to justify everything. I have a great CPA and attorney, so no horror stories. Just make sure you double-check their work a bit. And don't be afraid to question what they do - b/c they get paid to be our advisors!
Thanks for reminding me about that severed-head loophole, too.
61. Lynnlaw said:
You have so much respect for your little girl and want nothing more than for her to be who she is. I love that it is perfectly fine that you don't have a "Magazine Cover Baby". I am constantly amazed by how realistic you are and I am sure some people mistake it for a smirk or some cynicism, but I enjoy it all the way and think that your Leta will grow up with such an amazing sense of self because of it.
62. napangel said:
Good luck, Armstrong Media, LLC!!
63. Urs said:
patriot act? operation freedom? HA!
first bush lies and says that 9/11 was tied to iraq.
then he lies and says iraq has WMD
then he approves spying on us citizens
then he leakes the identity of our own goverment agent
HOW DOES HE HAVE THE AUDACITY TO USE TERMS SUCH AS 'PATRIOT' AND 'FREEDOM' when he's the most un-American person ever?!?!?
64. Vaguely Urban said:
I love that they specify "stored value" gift cards. What other kind is there? Evaporating value? That would be so sucky.
Congratulations on the new corporate identity! Remember, it has the added benefit of shielding you from personal liability, which will come in handy for future ice cream carton shenangigans, etc.
65. BaddMinton said:
Ahhhhhhhhhh! Congratulations, Heather! I usually refrain from gushing my love for Dooce because I don't want to clutter your comments, but I now have to tell you that you are my hero! You inspired me to start blogging, and I'm thrilled that things are going so well for you. You're forging an exciting path for a lot of us, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
66. Peeved Michelle said:
I hope I don't get arrested; it will completely ruin my evil plans. I have in my possession six stored value gift cards and you bet your ass I am building a we@pon of m@ass de$truct1on with items I can buy at Old Navy, Bed Bath & Beyond, Macy's, Target and the Olive Garden.
67. Darren Conley said:
As a Darren, I am constantly being called either "Darryl" (which, I suppose, is because there are more Darryls than Darrens in the world), or "Dan" (which comes from saying my name too quickly and reducing it from 2 to 1 syllable).
If this occurs in the middle of some sort of official information-giving exercise (i.e. opening an account) then I usually correct them. If it happens after I introduce myself to someone whom I'll likely never speak to again, I just accept it as my alias for the day and continue the conversation.
And don't even get me started about spelling.
68. kawaface said:
i predict a tv show! or something.
69. Stacey Biddle said:
Congrats Amostrong Media, LLC! Smart move. I SO need a Dooce Gift card.
Here's the part where I hope you are reading this before this posts...feel free to *not* post it:
I had hoped to comment on the sleeping routines post a few days back, but I missed out. I just wanted you to know that because of you and getupgrrl (please come back my bloggy friend)I have changed the way I feel about myself as a parent and the way I view other parents. The letter she wrote you (in response to some email she got from one of your "concerned" readers)has honestly changed me in some of the most profound ways. When she said something to the effect of, "Be afraid of mothers who claim to love mothering but hate actual mothers" I cried. Really Heather, there is no right answer to all this parenting stuff. You have to do what is right for you and your family. I do not understand the line of thinking that says you have to put your wants and needs last. Its all about balance. Okay, enough babbling! Thank you for putting yourself out there for moms like me who tend to feel so isolated in the midst of mommy wars. You rock.
70. Stepha1202 said:
I get the name thing, too. Except everyone thinks I'm a Jennifer. I think that when the name is long people just start making up names because it gets tough to remember all of those letters and sounds. That's why we went with Hugo for our son. Nice and short. The only people who forget it are my grandparents, but they're old and sometimes think he is a girl anyway.
71. KaraMia said:
I'm the youngest of five kids all starting with a letter "K". As a child this worked well for me because it took my dad awhile to get to my name, especially if he was really angry and would spit out the same name a few times.....ah...the memories
72. lisa said:
Is this your way of saying that you're starting a Dooce gift card program? Redeemable for vodka and Tivo subscriptions?
73. hardtoimagine said:
Congrats and good luck with the new LLC! Looking forward to seeing what comes next!
74. lisa said:
Is this your way of saying that you're starting a Dooce gift card program? Redeemable for vodka and Tivo subscriptions?
75. Colonel Flapjack said:
You most certainly can purchase ammunition with a gift card. In fact, in Texas there is no age requirement for purchasing ammunition, only for the firearm itself.
Neat, huh?
76. Jujubee Jenny said:
I noticed the text at the bottom of the page and thought, "Hmmn...brilliant idea." Apparently I didn't even know how brilliant. Way to stick it the man!
77. RS said:
As a Roberta, I get called Rebecca, Alberta, Rolanda...I draw the line at Bertha.
You all were made for basic cable--I hope the media empire includes internet, cable and book rights.
78. dancingnancy said:
I suggest you get that head out of your trunk quick - my friend left a package of raw beef in her car for several hot days, and they never really got the smell out....I can only imagine what "human head" smells like.....
Congrats on the LLC! My husband started his own business last year, and let me tell you - when you can write off your rent / mortgage, utilities, mileage, gas, lunches off.....let's just say it's a beautiful thing.
I forecast more "business trips" in the future........
79. William said:
Get down with LLC (yea you know me).
Congrats on the business. I can't wait to hear more about it.
80. Parasol Wench said:
I think #19 is onto something. My name is Rachel and I've been called Heather all my life by people who don't quite remember me. They'll even have enough confidence in the ID to say things like "Hi Heather, how are you?" rather than just leaving a name out of it altogether.
Now, if Sarah also has a two-year-old who has screamed so much from birth that she frequently fantasizes about leaving the tyke on the steps of a convent, then we'll be a real triumvirate. I spent my son's shrill infancy reminding him that in our state, we could drop him off at a fire station, no questions asked.
81. BeachMama said:
Congrats on starting the "official" business! It is amazing what is included in a business from home and what you can write off come tax time. Best wishes and yep, you better get that head out of the trunk before the warm weather stays.
82. Molicious said:
Agreed. It is awesome to be in America. Bullets from Walmart and all.
83. Hanniebanannie said:
My name is Hannah and until it became a TOTALLY popular kids name people always called me Heather.
Congrats on surviving the paperwork madness.
84. zitsmom said:
Keep EVERY receipt. My new accountant told me that EVERYTHING in my office is deductible. I am always amazed in April when I get out the calculator to add up all the puny little receipts..they come to a good chunk of change! Also you need to "hire" Leta for some of the office tasks. I pay my kids with meals to my favorite restaurants which are also tax deductible...gotta love America. :)
85. hopefulloser said:
That's awesome! Congratulations and good luck on your new venture. I'm excited to see how far you guys take it. You're a role model for us all.
86. FlippyO said:
I read "Billy Joe" as Billy Joel, and then I thought, "Isn't it enough that he uses his car as a weapon?" So, uh, never mind.
87. Mary said:
Re: being called a different name. My parents always switched up my name, Mary, with my little sister's name, Amy. She is adopted and is an entirely different race, so we always like to joke that they were confused because we look so much alike.
But then I noticed that people outside of my family circle would say "Amy" when they meant to say my name. Perhaps I just look like an Amy.
88. Karen Rani said:
So are you still a SAHM (shit-ass-ho motherfucker) and if so, what does LLC stand for in Heather-terms? :)
I emailed you today, and I do need an answer because I don't want your new empire to come crashing down on Troll Baby, should you decide that every time "Dooce" is mentioned elsewhere, that you will be owed royalties, of which I can only pay with baby-fine hair and crusted sippy cups. No rush on your answer though.
89. Karen Rani said:
Oh and CONGRATULATIONS!
90. Kaymadmom said:
Karen, LLC= Ladies Love Chuck. I thought that was obvious.
91. ieatcrayonz said:
Chuck started his own magazine, didn't he?
92. Runner Susan said:
Yeah, good point Karen. So Heather, what do you consider yourself now? Do you think there is a difference between a work-at-home mom and a SHAM?
93. dk Mom said:
Congrats on the new business venture.
Walmart gift certificates go up to $2500 in value and you can purchase just about anything you want on them, including ammo and gas.
94. dk Mom said:
Congrats on the new business venture.
Walmart gift certificates go up to $2500 in value and you can purchase just about anything you want on them, including ammo and gas.
95. brandy said:
OMG. Last week I lost my wallet with all my I.D (never carry your birth certificate AND your SIN card!) and several gift cards...now I know that it obviously wasnt just dropped by me but rather I was pick pocketed by a terrorist who wants to disquise themselves in H&M clothing and Starbucks coffee.
96. Doll said:
I'm hoping that you're doing that Chuck & Leta comic strip I mentioned a while back. That would be hilarious. But yeah, a regular book would be great too. See how much we expect from you? Talk show! Magazine! Radio show! dude ... you could totally be president...
Congrats and good luck on the new business!
97. Kristine said:
I thought for sure there would be some off colored comment by bucky here. how disappointing i couldn't find it.
congrats...and it will be interesting to see what more you have planned.
98. throwingutah said:
It's a good thing the Patriot Act doesn't cover abusing your dog with ice cream containers - you'd be screwed. Also, we call that ice cream "Edy's" on the East Coast. Does "Edy's" translate to something awful in Mormish?
99. Benjy said:
If you guys have set up as a company, now does Leta become an employee? Will she refuse to do anything cute and/or annoying unless you boost her royalties?
100. Heather said:
It never ceases to amaze me how many people love that they can tell me anything as a lawyer and I can't say tell people unless there's imminent risk of death or serious bodily injury. I think one client just kept me around to be her own personal confessional. Congrats on your new LLC (limited liability corporation for the commenters who asked).
101. sweetsassymolassy said:
My family owns a fairly large gun supply store, and I'll be damned if I don't sell at least 10 gift cards a day!
102. Amanda said:
Now, there is such a thing as the "perfect" 2-year-old. I know, because I had one. Unfortunately it isn't all that it's cracked up to be and you should pity that poor mother like nothing else.
What was our "perfect" 2-year-old is now a 9-year-old hellion; our "normal" 2-year-old is now a well-behaved 4-year-old. We have a theory that our 1st child (the perfect one) didn't realize how fun misbehaving could be until he saw his little brother do it.
We are now expecting #3 (another boy!) and we've decided one thing for certain. We'll be paying our 2nd child to teach the 3rd to misbehave. That way we can straighten his little butt out at the "correct" time. :)
Great site! I love your sense of humor.
103. Cindy said:
Congrats on the new business title. If the part you're not telling us yet is that you're working on a book or other media venture (other than this fantastic site) I just wanted to say - Hurray!
Good luck with whatever it is you're planning....yippee!
104. staceymay said:
So if it is a book, or even radio or TV, will it be about pooping?
We're all waiting anxiously to know.
105. Wendy Mac said:
Congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you guys, much-deserved.
106. Tommy from Michigan said:
I just am freakin excited to be posting something here. The suspense is killing me. My guess is you are waiting until the fall to get a rush of publicity so your doggy try and get his old congressional seat back..or something.
107. Laurie said:
Ah the things I learned in law school......
I learned (and this was within the last 2 years) that when a company gives a employee a gift card purchased with company funds, that employee has to declare the amount on the gift card as taxable income. Not doing so has all kinds of penalities if you get busted. Which personally I don't think happens all that often unless you are getting audited and then you have other worries. That said, if your boss buys you a gift card out of their own pocket, no worries.
My professor explained it like this, "a company can purchase a turkey for everyone on their staff, but they can't buy a gift certificate for a turkey for everyone on their staff. Each person on staff would have to claim that gift certificate as taxable income"
Fun times eh? Makes me happy I went into cultural property law, and didn't take that internship in second year over at the IRS {shiver}
108. Kati said:
I already have one leg and when I heard how much the IRS wanted from little ol' non-profit worker me I asked my H&R Block lady if they accepted prosthetic legs because mine would just about cover the cost of my tax bill.
109. Laurie said:
Oh and Heather in #100,
I hear ya. I could write several volumes on the things people have told me.
110. Laurie said:
Oh and Heather in #100,
I hear ya. I could write several volumes on the things people have told me. And then the hubby works at the UN and he can't tell me anything. And then we're married so there's all that spousal privlege.
in fact, we don't even exist. :)
111. ProudMary said:
At which point did they arrest Jon for being too smart for his own good? I think that's in the patriot act somewhere.
112. The Everyday Parent said:
What amazingness you and Jon have built together.
Congrats, Armstrong Media! LLC!
113. vinsanity said:
Congratulations! I have an attorney/accountant to watch my back for my company. He's worth every penny.
And considering that he has 4 timeshares in Hawaii and the Caribbean, he's pretty good at what he does.
Remember that if they bust you for the head in your trunk, then you should at least be able to deduct the blade you used to cut it off with. Unless you stole it from the sushi chef.
114. Muirnait said:
Congrats on your companyhood. It sounds like it was a wise decision to make.
But the whole ammo at Wal-Mart thing? Is totally why I'm afraid of Americans. ;)
115. Star Shine said:
That Wanda Louise knows just how to shop for the man who already has everything! You have NO IDEA how many men in my life would be thrilled with a gift card to the gun shop. It's a Texas thing.
116. Don's Writtings said:
LLC's help some with being sued and being able to pay yourself weekly and withold taxes each week but..... In Tennessee is also affords you the opportunity to pay and additional 6% in Hall tax. Our accountant told us to get an extra million dollars in liability insurance and remain a sole properitor it is cheaper in the long run. Plus in Tennessee you must pay a registration fee each year of $300.00 to keep your LLC operating.
Being self-employed sucks doesn't it? Now you have an idea why your old boss always was complaining. He had all these taxes to pay along with providing good benefits and etc. Now you get to do ALL of it.
I tell my wife now she, my wife, can complain with every other business owner in the world.
Don
117. cate said:
My gawd.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Leta sounds like "Pita" and not "Leh-ta" and now this.
Congratulations, seriously!
118. Lorien said:
At the risk of sounding...well....low rent, I have bought bullets at Walmart with a gift card. And yes, America is great!
119. aubriane said:
I know this is meant to be a comment for this post, so I will make the token comment: Congratulations on your new LLC status!
My other comment is on today's picture: Leta has perfect toddler skin.
120. AmandaR. said:
Emily,
I really enjoy your blog a lot. And your dog, Buck, makes me laugh... along with Kelly and Dwayne, your daughter and husband.
:)~
121. lane said:
That name totally makes me think of the Arm & Hammer logo. Awesome.
122. MontanaJen said:
p'shaw - bullets with a wal-mart card is nothin'
up here in montana, there is a large sign outside of the gas station on a busy corner that reads...i shit you not..."Gitcher Huntin License Here"
God Bless Amerikuh, indeed.
123. Cole said:
Hooray! An LLC. Now people can't sue you and take your personal assets (or at least in Oklahoma they can't). My brother and I made the jump to the LLC a few years ago to avoid just that.
Good Luck with the rest of your legal stuff.
Did I mention taxes = eww?
124. SaraBylotas said:
That's funny about the name thing. I'm Sara, but I share your fate of being called by another name. Ironically, it's most often Heather, or Rachel, or Erin. Even more weird, at some point in my life I have always had a close friend by one of those names. Thank God it's not just me.
Congratulations on the new company! I understand, from experience, the stress and excitement that this means for you.
125. Flydaddy said:
Check this out: I actually don't mind paying my taxes! No, I won't pay yours too.
126. Catherine said:
All my life people have called me Elizabeth. Sometimes strangers do without even asking what my name is first. They just assume Elizabeth. Other people who have been family friends for years just began calling me Elizabeth one day. I say, whatever. It's kind of like Catherine. Close enough! Melissa, however, is not really like Heather. Why would people think such a thing?
127. dodgemedlin said:
Congrats on the LLC thing, Lance. Shame about you and Sheryl Crow, though.
128. kidsmom said:
Suggested topic, brought on by the idea of bullets at Wal-mart:
What would happen if Amazon.com married Wal-Mart? Either in cyberspace or by heir?
129. Dennis Bullock said:
This is great news. Having your own company is a great personal security
130. The Mighty Jimbo said:
from what i can tell, the biggest single difference about america and the rest of the western world is that we can, at 3AM on a sunday, buy anything we want. anything. got a 24 hour walmart near you and you can get a big screen TV, a carton of milk, and a potted palm tree.
unless you are in south carolina. then you can get anything you want so long as it's not beer.
hmmm...this is almost a complete blog post. thanks heather!
131. Michou said:
Congrats on forming a company!!!! That's magnificent news and I couldn't be happier for you all.
Also, to I can only hope to be a mom like you when I'm a mom. I figure if I combine you and my mom, it makes some sort of supermom that NO CHILD will be able to defeat.
Thanks for sharing your lives with us... I love your site and blurbomat.com!
132. supermom_in_ny said:
Geez, you would think people would get your name right? It's not like it's difficult to pronounce or anything... My sisters and I have the most bizarre names-there not even from our ancestry! My parents were both born in Puerto Rico and they gave us all unsual names...from places in Israel! Even my nickname is different. My mother's a trip...
As far as the paperwork, that's hilarious! You know it sucks to be poor, it's worse when you're middle class and end up paying taxes and obviously being well off has it's issues as well. But you know what?! I'm still proud and very happy to have been born in America!
133. Beverlee said:
I feel like I discovered you at just the right time. It continues to be a pleasure, well to read your blog of course but also, to watch the evolution of your work. One day, "getting Dooced" will mean making it big in the blog world and beyond! Cheers!
134. Autumn said:
I've always been an Amber or a Heather. And I'm so glad I found this website, it makes me giggle evertime I visit.
135. mayberry_blonde said:
Have another kid, get another deduction!
Congrats on your legal leaps and bounds :)
136. Hannah said:
People often call me Heather instead of Hannah. I wonder what's so confusing about the two names. I mean they both start with H, but I see no other similarity. Very puzzling.
137. lovely_BankLady said:
Hello,
I am the lovely Bank Lady you mentioned in your hilarious article. A couple minor points of correction:
1) Maybe I didn't mention about how my 24 month old boy has been known to start crying when denied french fries. I also didn't say anything about the silently turning blue part and then the passing out bit, prompting Mom to call 911.
2) He has gone through 3 bottles of baby powder in the last 2 months. Each of these three bottles have been carefully poured over the piles of his clothes and toys spread around his room.
3) Hot dogs. The only meat he will eat is hot dogs.
But other than that he is a perfect angel ;)
138. manababies said:
Very exciting news!
I don't disclose my real name online for that very same reason, but I have one of those names that can be easily mistaken for things similar to it.
139. Be Still said:
Congratulations!
As others have already mentioned, one of the best perks of running your own business is that you can write off some pretty cool things.
In the case of maintaining your web content, the cost of your groovy new hairdo might be considered a "photo stylist" fee. I bet you could even deduct the cost of a dogwalker/masseuse for Chuck under a "dog wrangling" category!
Please bear in mind that I nearly failed accounting, so you may first want to run some of my suggestions by the accountant that keeps forgetting your name.
140. freecave said:
You seriously make me laugh so friggin' hard, holy crap. Can I say friggin'? or holy? Guess I did, oh shit!, too late now. Thanks, Heather, thanks. I don't laugh at you, just at those around you, and Chuck.
www.therockhostel.blogspot.com
141. Laura said:
Nothing wrong with being called Laura! Unless you're called something else I suppose.
Good news about the company. May many more big steps follow.
142. Jeff, the film prof said:
You are hilarious as usual. And, oddly enough, I have been scouring your site since your last message waiting (breath, bated!!!) to find out about the SECRET STUFF going on.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say you've sold the rights for a sitcom. With Eliza Dushku as you, Jeremy Piven as Jon, Carrot Top as Chuck and introducing Nicole Richie as Leta. (No, I love Leta, I would not wish Nicole Richie on Leta. Maybe Linda Hunt? She has an Oscar, perhaps she can be convincing. With chocolate on crackers, even.)
Would anyone else like to speculate on casting "DOOCED!", soon to air on Showtime? (What, you think this show could go on network TV? Not with all the poop talk. FX, at least.)
143. Kelly S. said:
I share a vintage furniture showroom with my husband and my mom that is an S-corporation. It has brought me much more peace of mind that my sole proprietorship did a couple years ago. The income tax thing is a biggie. I forgot to pay my estimated income tax a couple of years ago when I was a contractor and now I owe the IRS 20k. When I learned of this I ended up in the ER dealing with a massive anxiety attack. My head tried to rationalize that it would "all be okay" but my body freaked. Now we use ADP, a payroll service. They hold the liability for paying the government all of our payroll taxes (with our money, of course) and I am a much happier person as a result. We also have the benefit of having group health insurance since there are 2+ employees that include mental health coverage for around $200/month. And, all the expense of this is tax deductible. Whee!!
144. mediaguy74 said:
Mazel Tov on the LLC. Smart move. Oh and yet another blogger just landed a book deal. NY Hack (http://newyorkhack.blogspot.com/) about a NYC female taxi driver. Do I see one in your future? Hmmmm... Aw inspiring I say... Nice work.
PS My dog is jealous that chuck gets to lick the ice cream container... She is so deprived of such fun.
145. dykewife said:
boy was one of those perfect poster children for those who wanted to have children but were frightened by the horror stories of colic, spitting up, temper tantrums, etc. he slept through the night, or his version of it at about 5 weeks and from about 10 months on slept 10-12 hours a night straight. yeah. we're one of those :)
however, that isn't to say i don't understand your wee one and your troubles. i have 3 nieces who went through nearly the same things leta is right now. of course, i was auntie and got to go home and leave them with mom and dad who would've loved to donate them to charity for tax purposes if gifts in kind were worth anything in canada.
oh, instead of plain chocolate on crackers, try nutella instead. it's as nutritious as peanut butter. it's higher in sugar, but it's got the protein to help out...try coating things like grapes, strawberries and other fruits with the nutella for the added nutrition of fruit.
nutellla=good. trust me. :)
146. kim from germany said:
how exciting. loads of luck with armstrong media :)
147. Claire said:
Dude, I hear you about the tax / legal issues.
I established my own company (an English language school, with a business partner) in Germany two months ago. In Germany you have to pay "Value Added Tax." My tax accountant sent us the forms for February and March this week. I called her to ask what the hell it all means. After 10 minutes of I don't know what she said, but it made my head hurt, I interuppted. "How much do we owe? Ok. Where do I send it? Good. How long do I have? Great. That's all I wanted to know."
148. phredojane said:
Yes, you can indeed buy ammo with your Wal*Mart giftcard. If you live in Missouri, you can buy ammo AND liquor in Wal*Mart, with said giftcard...yay, Missouri! (No, I'm no longer in retail, nor do I live in MO anymore, praise the powers that be.)
Congratulations on the business development!
149. Jennifer said:
Congrats! Can't wait to get myself some Dooce merchandise. Maybe some Chuck slippers?
150. Paty Quartarollo said:
Well, I´m brazilian and last year I applied for a visa. One of the questions were: ´´Do you intend to get in USA to conduct any terrorist act?´´
Yeah...like I would admit to that.
151. Ellisma0607 said:
Are you sure it is the Patriot Act, or just their “policy†hidden under the excuse of a government act. I opened a business checking account in November of last year and I never filled out a form asking questions like that. Granted it was in TX. My company is also an LLC.
I can’t tell you how many times I have been told to do something because it was their “policyâ€. I don’t care what your “policy†is, you don’t need that information. If you are told it is a “Government Actâ€, well then how can you argue with that?
152. Nia G said:
Hahahaha, I love Terrorist Screening Questions!
When I was applying for a visa to go visit the US I had to fill out a long questionnaire with such inquiries as
Are you, or have you ever been a prostitute?
Are you a member of an illegal or terrorist organisation?
(and my favourite)
Do you plan to commit any unlawful or terrorist activities while in the United States.
although I believe the questionnaire that my mother had to fill out in the seventies [also to enter the US] trumps mine since it featured the question:
Do you plan to attempt to assassinate the American President?
153. Lovemydox said:
Congrats on your incorp! Actually, I think you can buy bullets with a gift card. My brother Jimbo (totally not kidding about the name) used to work in the Sporting Goods dept.
154. Alena said:
Around here, you can buy guns and ammo at Wal-Mart. Or at least you used to be able to.. I haven't stepped foot in Wal-Mart for about a year (long live Target!).
Congrats on the big things happening, I'm very stoked for all of you.
155. Alena said:
Seriously.. who would answer 'yes' to any of those questions?? Well, other than The Dumbest Terrorist EVAR.
156. marian said:
We had the same kind of tax year. My accountant called and the first thing he said was, "Are you sitting down?"
I love your new banner, by the way.
157. Paty Quartarollo said:
Hahahaha....the question about killing the president is great. And they should put it like this:
Do you plan to attempt to assassinate the American President? If yes, please describe your methods.
158. Darlin' said:
but did you pack your own luggage? congrats on the venture.
i love chuck's star. i love chuck. i hope, in my next life, i can be a dog as lovely as chuck.
159. LT said:
Nia G, you forgot the most important one:
"Do you know where you're going today?"
160. Jem said:
How much do you charge to chop off heads and dispose of dead bodies? I have an almost-Mother-In-Law I'd like you to meet...
161. Nikki said:
Hey, I am in Ontario Canada, and we also had a snow storm in April.
162. Jezzie said:
I was riding my bike to work on this gorgeous morning, and thought...how cool would it be to have a dooce t-shirt? I got the whole visual. Ok so the shirt itself would be a v neck with cap sleeves (for girls) or a tank (wife beater aka Federline syle haha), and on the front would be the wikipedia definition of dooce. Then on the back it would say dooce.com in your font style. Thats the inaugural shirt...BUT! you could do further editions WITH YOUR MASTHEADS? silkscreened across the boobs. Damn how cool would that be? I would so love to have your dooceness stretched across my girlfriends rack. Any chance of this happening or will I have to bootleg my own? Jess
163. Lily said:
Everytime i see i picture of Chuck i want to perforate my screen and scratch him under his ear.. !
164. Her Ladyship said:
Hey, congrats to you guys! I need to do something like that, as I just started working out of my home and am shaking in my slippers about the tax consequences.
165. nathanv said:
hey long time reader first time commenting.
i don't think the giftcards alone indicate you are a terrorist.
i'm guessing that gift cards in combination with other factors throw up flags to what ever poor slob has to wade through all that data. i'm with your husband in that it could be a way to 'give' money to what appears to be a legitimate business in the eyes of the US which could then be funneled out of the country to naughty people.
FWIW, i've been reading you blog for quite a while and as a father of three can identify with just about everything you go through. i applaud your love of leta. there are some days when i have to go into all my boys (yes 3!) and look at them while they sleep the sleep of innocence to remind myself why my wife and i got into this to begin with.
it is worth everything to have children.
166. mirenis said:
Congratulations! I know I'm off topic, but I can't hold it in any longer. Dude, Chuck's collar is on upside down! How can you do that to him? You know all the other dog's are laughing at him! Poor, poor Chuckles.
167. Gretchie said:
The other day I said Chuck has "The Life" because he's generally left in peace to practice his Opus Dei rituals, and is occasionally rewarded with an almost empty ice cream carton on the face. Let me just say here... you guys are Chucks of the Human Race. I am so inspired to create my own blog empire and leave my day job behind O I can spend my days at home reading blogs and preparing my own, and travelling to Amsterdam on some else's dime... FOR A LIVING. My dears, you have Arrived....
As a dept. of homeland sec employee, yeah.. the Patriot Act. God help us.
168. jes said:
writing a book?
hosting a talk show?
leta's now modeling?
someone's changing their sex?
really, the possibilities are endless. please contact said attorney and tell him (or her) to get his (or her) butt in gear. WE MUST KNOW.