Look on the Bright Side, At Least You've Got Content
I'm really just about up to here with people who tell me, "Look at it this way, at least you can write about it on your website!" and then smile as if they've made it all better. It seems that as long as I have a website, I can't really have a bad day, because a bad day only means great content. Who wants to read about someone else's good day anyway? Like, who wants to read about some dimpled-face motherfucker walking on sunshine when you just woke up and realized that your pants will no longer zip up over your thighs?
Recently I have been living great content. It goes without saying that living with your parents provides nothing but volumes of self-help memoir material, mostly in the vein of How To manuals, like, How to Avoid Running into Granny While She's Wearing Nothing But Her Heavenly Underwear: A Former Mormon's Guide to Dealing With A Fanatical Family or How to Piss Off Your Step-Father Every Single Second of the Day, Volume One: It All Starts With Stealing His Razor to Shave Your Legs.
Other recent grumbles that make better stories than actual events to live through:
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I agree to go to the grocery store for Aunt Lola, who is currently suffering from a wild strain of pneumonia, and when I show up she has this "list" ready for me, only this "list" resembles not so much a list but a 400 page Masters thesis on brand awareness. It takes me three hours of roaming around a Walmart Superstore in the most depressing neighborhood of Salt Lake City to find the specific green bag of Country Cousins Sausage she must have in order for her "bowels to be gettin' back to normal." I cry the entire 45 minutes it takes the clerk to scan and bag all the items.
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I wake up with a hangover, only I didn't drink the night before. I sleep the entire day and the entire next day and, not surprisingly, the entire third day. I wake up on the fourth day wearing the same flannel pajamas I was wearing the night I didn't drink.
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All I say to the hairdresser is, "Do you think I should consider bangs?" And I know he hears me because he sort of shrugs and does this "dunno" under his breath. And three hours later after I hear the entire story of how he and his partner thought their dog was pregant but were crushed when they learned that their pregnant dog was really just a fat dog, that fucking deceitful bitch!, I walk out of the salon with the entire front side of my hair missing. I cry the entire 30 minute drive home, wondering whether or not my husband will still love a half-bald woman, only to be locked out of the house by my step-father who really needs to forgive me for the razor thing already.
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FM Living
Paul said:
After getting married a year ago and living in my step-grandpa's basement, I know how it feels to see old people in thier underwear. Hang in there.
04.09.03 - 06:28 AM / 1Brodie said:
Ah, great post. And I know how it feels...
04.09.03 - 06:28 AM / 2Elvis Pepper said:
Look at it this way, at least you can write about it on your website!
04.09.03 - 06:29 AM / 3kindle said:
I always go into the salon thinking I want bangs, but manage to talk myself out of it. I tend to attract bad hairdressers. They all think I should look like a butch lesbian from 1985. For the last time, I do *not* want my hair short on top and feathery in the back!!
04.09.03 - 06:30 AM / 4Alex said:
I wish I had an "Aunt Lola"...
The world REALLY needs more Lolas.
04.09.03 - 06:33 AM / 5the mighty jimbo said:
oh man. as much as i empathize with your stepfather (you just don't screw with the razor that is used on a man's neck), but i think hair butchers need to pay YOU after they fuck up your hair. i say you should sick your last bikini waxer on him.
04.09.03 - 06:34 AM / 6Erika said:
aw Dooce, I know it can't be that bad. Let us judge the 'do and post pics :) I am eager to see.
04.09.03 - 06:36 AM / 7mistory said:
i love your site..your pics are so pretty...i will be adding you soon...be blessed.
04.09.03 - 06:40 AM / 8Funtime Ben said:
I know I've said it before, but hey little cowgirl... Let's have a shootout at the I'm-ok-corral.
04.09.03 - 06:54 AM / 9bushra said:
i'd start to worry if i was thinking about documenting *every little thing* that happens to me on my blog...
04.09.03 - 06:57 AM / 10antisocial diva said:
*nods*
04.09.03 - 07:04 AM / 11Jigzaw said:
Not really anything to do with this post, but a question from a fellow MT'er. Those "Amuse me", Annoy me" etc. Are those generated trough MT? Other than that, rock on! Your site is sweeeet! :D
04.09.03 - 07:06 AM / 12odyne said:
if it makes you feel any better, when i was in middle school my brother developed a serious hip problem. solution? "oh, i'll just make my little sister push me around school all day in a wheely chair." not to mention the increased smacking radius a crutch provides. talk about suck.
i'll trade you for aunt lola's walmart run anyday.
oh, & - the bangs monster has gotten us all at some point, don't worry. the general population will understand, as long as mullets still exist in the world i think you're in the clear. that dog though? what a deceptive bitch!
04.09.03 - 07:10 AM / 13dvl said:
...a little less crying, a little more drinking...
04.09.03 - 07:13 AM / 14dayment said:
But Dooce, you should *know* by now that your misery is our entertainment. If you weren't so damn funny we wouldn't be eating this up so.
Can I recommend some hair gel or some barettes? Just mess with it - you can come up with something.... you know, to make it look like you did it on purpose.
04.09.03 - 07:13 AM / 15Jenny said:
Oh man-I sympathize. There is absoultely nothing worse than 1:seeing anyone in their heavenly underwear (or as my brother calls them: 'Magic Jammies') and 2:Hating a haircut so bad you actually shed tears.
But I'm sure it's cute: please do send pix!
04.09.03 - 07:14 AM / 16Summer said:
It's not so bad. I still haven't heard anything about quilting parties, or green jello molds with grated carrots, or home torture, I mean home teacher visits, or visits to or from the Relief (ha!) Society, or having to suffer through the bi-annual, televised seance that is held in April and October.
Sorry... I just realized I was counting your many blessings and naming them one by one...
04.09.03 - 07:14 AM / 17Jenny said:
Summer: hee! I love laughing out loud at work.
04.09.03 - 07:18 AM / 18Naaman said:
For the brief three months I lived with my in-laws (wife's parents) I saw enough briefs to know precisely what you're talking about. But, have you ever had the CNN headlines that scroll across the bottom read to you over and over and over again while you're trying to watch the news peacefully? And, was that person that's reading it to you in their whitey tighties?
04.09.03 - 07:22 AM / 19Kevin said:
Pictures of hair, sure. Pictures of Granny in her Jesus-a-roos? NO thank you. I have a hard enough time seeing myself in them without becoming physically ill. I can only imagine the therapy you'll need after seeing Granny.
04.09.03 - 07:23 AM / 20zchamu said:
Um. Would a poop story help?
04.09.03 - 07:28 AM / 21Beerzie Boy said:
Note to Auntie Lola:
(Who walks like a woman but talks like a man?)
Sausage binds the bowels; beets flush them out.
04.09.03 - 07:32 AM / 22tim said:
Dooce, you're the funniest mofo around. really. you brighten my day every day, regardless what you write.
04.09.03 - 07:34 AM / 23Jay said:
I spent the last 8 months living with my parents. Depressing? Yes. Sleep hangovers? All the time. At least you can look forward to becoming that sunshine-walking dimple-faced motherfucker when you move out.
04.09.03 - 07:41 AM / 24david said:
yeah, i just moved back into my mom's in january.
content-worthy material or no, it is the definition of SUXX!
04.09.03 - 07:43 AM / 25Paul Gutman said:
I desperately want to make a comment about Aunt Lola needing a sausage to make her right, but I just can't bring myself to actually do it.
I mean, that's someone's Aunt there....
04.09.03 - 07:49 AM / 26UnderwearNinja said:
My gf used to get her hair done at the local supercuts, with an end result of her bitching about how terrible it was. I finally convinced her to pay the fancy hairstylist people their 50 dollars for a hair cut, and she's never gone back to supercuts. As an added bonus, I don't have to hear her bitch.
04.09.03 - 07:59 AM / 27Clark said:
My first year University I couldn't get into residence, so I lived just off campus with an old lady. I didn't trade sex for rent, but I still saw wayyyyyyyy too much of her barely clothed. I still cry at night.
04.09.03 - 08:06 AM / 28kim said:
well, you're making my family seem not so bad....thanks for that!
04.09.03 - 08:22 AM / 29Irk said:
Yeah, that sucks.
04.09.03 - 09:13 AM / 30