My Favrit Nabors
Wednesday, April 16 2003
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I'm not ashamed to admit that I don't like kids, or at least most kids. Most kids are abrasive and annoying and should be treated like a fungus. I have no problem with babies because babies at least smell good. This might seem like a huge problem considering that my husband and I are actively pursuing a family of our own, but I firmly believe that all kids don't need to be sprayed with Formula 409 Degreaser or duct-taped to a chair and gagged in a daily basis, and I'm willing to take my chances. Some kids are super cool.
Some kids include the four girls who live next door to my mother. The oldest is Maddy, age 10, followed by a set of twins, Alex and Ally, age 8, and the youngest is Isabelle, age 6. They are the coolest set of sisters I have ever met, and I don't ever get tired of listening to them talk and talk about what they learned in science class today, like how flies produce a viscous mucus everytime they land on something, so I had better watch out for flies! They are refreshingly fearless, always walking around with worms or bugs in their cupped hands, or digging up snails and throwing them over the fence so that their shells will make that spectacular cracking sound when they hit the concrete on the other side. When I was their age I would have been on a Save The Snails campaign and cried if I ever found one in pain, and when I told Alex this she said, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." I so want to be Alex when I grow up.
I've taught the three oldest sisters to do backflips and back-hand-springs on the trampoline, and everytime I go over to play they've mastered another acrobatic feat and CAN'T WAIT to show me. The youngest is too small to do flips, but she's constantly entertaining us with her itty-bitty helium voice and 40-yr old attitude. One of the twins won her school's spelling bee the other day by spelling ADOPT the right way, and Isabelle, wanting to be included in the conversation says, "Heather, I ADOPT you! [giggle giggle] I'm just KIDDING! I CAN'T ADOPT! I'M STILL LITTLE!"
Chuck gets to play with their Australian Shepherd, Max, who is at the same time the most poncy and most aggro dog on the planet. They play for hours at a time, biting each other's necks and ears and falling all over each other like little homosexual canine lovers. Chuck has a permanent grass burn on his nose from trying to bite Max's ankles and failing miserably.
When we told them several weeks ago that we were going to move out of my mother's basement and into our own house they didn't quite know how to react. Why couldn't we live with my mother forever? (BECAUSE I WOULD EVENTUALLY KILL MY STEP-FATHER IN HIS SLEEP, that's why, but I didn't share that with them, they probably wouldn't understand) I assured them that I would come and visit often and that they could come see my new house and we could totally play Barbies in my new basement.
This weekend their mother brought over a set of good-bye cards they'd made for me and Jon and Chuck. And seriously, if ever there was a reason to like kids, these cards are totally that reason. Especially since the pictures they drew of me are eerily accurate and flattering in a we-don't-remember-your-septic-tank-poopy-red-hair kind of way.
I'm totally going to miss them.
Here's what Alex thinks I look like (click on image for the whole card):
Here's what Ally thinks Chuck looks like (click on image for the whole card):
Here's what Isabelle thinks I look like (click on image for the whole card):
Watch Heather share some intimate details of the sexual challenges she faced after having Leta at www.momversation.com.
- In celebration of That Awful Dog
Friday, 24 October 2008 - Mission accomplished
Thursday, 23 October 2008 - A rare moment of blue in a sea of red
Wednesday, 22 October 2008 - Dancing monkey
Monday, 20 October 2008 - Why any woman who intends to vote for McCain should reconsider
Friday, 17 October 2008
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1. Tiffany said:
Sometimes kids prove themselves worthy of not entering the food chain as prey. I'm glad you've found a few who qualify.
2. Jenny said:
Aw. I love babies! And I also offend 9-year-olds by calling them babies. Hey, you're a baby as long as you're being cute, and these girls are definitely being cute.
Sidenote, are they curly-headed blondes? Because that's how I've pictured them. With huge eyes. I LOVE BABIES!
3. Heather K. said:
I have the opposite problem. Babies gross me out. I like kids. Don't want any of my own, though. :-)
4. abi said:
well done...I go from having hope for the next generation, to thinking what a waste - after this, I will have hope for at least for a couple of days.
5. Ariel said:
That shade of lipstick is so very you.
6. FilteringCraig said:
I had a similar experience with a group of second graders that I tought for about five weeks. I grew to love the immature sense of humor, their eagerness, and their willingness to ask whatever was on their minds. I even got used to their incessant farting.
The thank-you notes I got from them were priceless. I wrote about them here.
http://www.filteringcraig.com/blog/
archives/000083.html
7. Naaman said:
I love that sound!
8. s00ka said:
i'm totally with you on the babies vs. kids - they're great until they start talking.
btw, you've got quite the generous mouth there - according to those (pretty neat) kids - i bet you go through a lot of lipstick
9. antisocial diva said:
why did the virgin suicides pop into my mind?
those kids are cute and sweet and thoughtful. but i am childfree and so, so glad that none of my neighbors have kids. the sound of a little boy on a pogo stick the next street over drives me batty.
10. the mighty jimbo said:
dooce, if ANYONE in utah should be breeding, it's YOU.
we need more people like you.
11. bucci said:
Is there something coming out of the dog's bottom unit?
12. brittney said:
I believe I see shades of septic tank poopy red hair in that first one.
13. nikky said:
Maddy,Alex, Ally,and Isabelle sound like 'SuperKids'. You know, the ones that are intellectually light years ahead of their peers. They get up at 4:30am to make their ballet, karate, figure skating, piano class before school starts. Then it's off to baseball, soccer and gymnastics practice after school. These kids go on to be doctors, lawyers, astronauts, etc. When I was a kid I used to be jealous of SuperKids. Now, while these SuperKids have grown up to save the world, here I am sitting in my cubicle hoping the boss doesn't find me on dooce.com ...
14. dayment said:
Dooce do you know when you are moving yet? Leaving these girls is tragic.
Please visit them often.
15. The Deuce said:
what a rip-off. i thought from today's headline, dooce was going to treat us to her favorite memories of actor/gospel singer jim nabors, who played gomer on "the andy griffith show," a bartlett, tenn. favorite. shazam. maybe tomorrow.
16. Try to fly away and i choke said:
yoah. houses, kids, breeding. i am out of the loop for a few months and find an almost (but not really) alternate dooce. what happened to the survivor margaritas and lousy hollywood parties? sounds like you're happy, though, so i am happy for you and hubby. congrats on the house.
17. symbiant said:
Sort of makes me want to talk with my S.O. about breeding. Well, at least practice anyway.
18. chorizo said:
babies smell good?
19. Beerzie Boy said:
A truism: Many people suck and some people rock; many kids suck and some kids rock.
MY 3 little guys ROCK, and even if they don't, I don't notice or care.
You will be the same, too. Don't deny it.
20. sparklers said:
dooce, as a recovering heather, i feel for you. these pictures here are PRICELESS.
you light up my life with my weekly wanderings over to dooceland.
and not to mention the furry beast and the newly defurred husband. oh, the realtor, with the hand up your ass.
21. Dawn said:
Congrats on the new place!
22. ardenstone said:
and besides, if you don't manage to have kids that rock, you can always give them away to gypsies and try again!
23. shy said:
babies don't always smell good...
24. Jay said:
Way to go on the new hizouse! Don't go turning into one of those sunshine-walking dimple-faced motherfuckers on us now that you're moving out of the basement. ;)
25. eddeaux said:
Those cards are awesome-
makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside-
We all love dooce
26. bit2byte said:
kid art is just so cool.
It's a dooce makeover: Isabelle's pic is a before / alex's is after. of course chuck looks perfect with those super round paws. these must be framed and displayed proudly in the new nest, part of the art collection that will come to be known as dooce and jon's "early years" .
27. Sarah B. said:
See, THAT is why I want to have kids. But a Saturday afternoon at Super Walmart usually cures me of that.
28. Carrie said:
In Ally's picture, it looks to me like Chuck has a little Septic-Tank-Poopy-Red-Fur thing going on. Love the cards! They are sweet.
Some kids really *do* rock.
29. Heather #2 said:
Best Comment Made on a 2003 Blog: "Sometimes kids prove themselves worthy of not entering the food chain as prey."
I will love you even if you DO become a sunshine-walking, dimple-faced motherfucker, whatever that is.
30. Yahmdallah said:
When you have kids of your own, you adore and love them in a way that's sometimes painful. The sun and moon rise and set on their precious little heads. However, you still feel the same about other people's kids as you always have. If ya couldn't stand'em before, you still can't after. Ditto for liking them. Moral: don't let other people's brats ruin it for you.
Oh, and babies smell wonderful. Especially your own. Our daughter kept her baby smell until she was four.
31. Zandria said:
I completely agree about the kids thing. I don't think they would be quite so annoying if parents didn't let them run wild (and subsequently become little terrors!). Sometimes I feel like saying, "Other people have to put up with your bratty children too..."
32. lee said:
Alex will be the artist. Ally the writer. Look at how different the twins' cards were.
Kids rock.
33. Danika said:
Awww those kids sound great!! Visit them often!
34. lordgoon said:
My niece and nephew are clearly far, far cooler than these kids will ever be. Rest assured that if either of them were ever in possession of a magic marker that gloriously and singularly poop-colored, they would certainly not be wasting their time drawing pictures of a dog.
35. Kevin said:
Isn't it amazing how kids adapt to society? I never drew highlights in hair when I was little.
36. angelique said:
dooce, i hear ya on the closing thing... i actually work for *the* biggest lender in the country... stagecoach... you figure it out. i am in post-closing and loan servicing... i hear every day the woes of people who were mislead and/or improperly educated on the finer points of lending. please feel free to email me if you wanna blow off steam about the whole process. i advise mortgagers all day. i completely understand how you feel. 40+pages of docs is a tremendous amount... and the title work, insurance, taxes, appraisals..... rediculous.
37. Alex said:
Yes! Children like those are the reason I would have any. The world needs more cool people.
When my nieces and nephews bust out with some magnificent one-liners, I'm always amazed at how truthful and insightful they can be. Plus, it's super fucking cool to aid them in there evil pranks!
38. Missjenjen said:
There should be more kids like these. Then I might consider actually procreating and actively restraining myself from shooting the kiddies in the mall.
39. B said:
snot, drool, liquid poop, every color of vomit not found in nature (always on you favorite stuff), rash, gas, insomnia, 300db screams, whining, moping, thinking you're a bitch, intolerance, rebellion, their own blog bitching about you, crappy flowers on mothers day, college tuition wasted on partying, not paying rent, eating your food, paying only lip service, dating that slut just to piss you off, marrying the worst possible choice, not naming the first born girl after you, etc, so on, so forth.
How much more could you ask for? granted children are cute for 3 hours a day, to bad often it's when they're sleeping
but if it weren't for my mom, I couldn't be here after doing all that to her (well most of it (some of it is you)) and you know what? I'll love her more than anyone on this fucking planet 'till I die
there you go
get knocked baby!
and more power to ya'
40. Sheila said:
Maybe if you'd drawn an analogy between the snails and your father-in-law...they'd have understood.
Kids' art is the best; my sister framed a few of my niece's things...and I feel like stealing it off the walls when I visit.
Good luck with establishing the Anderson homestead.
41. suoica said:
the best part about kids is that they belong to someone else.
and when you finish reading "Running With Scissors", you should read "The Corrections" by Jonathan Franzen,
42. da said:
..life is good,life is sweet, grab yourself a front row seat...
aaaarrrggghhh.
43. alex said:
wowies! cool pictures! oh, and those child drawings are ok too.
44. Irk said:
I would like to see those young artists' renderings of the realtor's hand up your ass.
45. Sarah B. said:
So were you wearing a blue shirt or were you wearing a green shirt?
46. EC said:
When a bunch of kids love you enough to make you some cards, you know you gotta be doing something right.
47. dvl said:
keep looking at those cards long enough and I guarantee you will begin to hear you uterus doing flips.... and that is the sound of you being ready to have some of your own.
48. jenn m said:
I think they draw better than I do. Where do I sign up for lessons?
49. Glovia said:
Oh that is totally sweet. Don't you just feel all kinds of loved?
50. deb said:
I still do detest most kids. They are generally annoying and spoiled.
Just not my own. They are the cutest and most infuriating individuals on the planet.
I apologized to my mother after having kids because I realised what she must have gone through with us. And I saw her in a different light.
51. Xiobhan said:
Yes, children may smell good, but do they have puppy breath? Also, don’t keep in touch with them. After enough time you will have achieved mythical status in their young memories as one of the coolest people they ever knew. They’ll share stories about you to new friends, they’ll secretly wish they were you, they’ll remember you as perfection and you can’t beat that. Everyone should have someone like that.
52. Lin said:
Those drawings are adorable!
53. krotchbat said:
I'm gonna cry. That's pretty damn sweet.
54. Leah said:
Love this one!!! Kids. BEST thing that ever happened in my seemingly dull life. It's like having your heart walk around outside of your body.
55. ms lauren said:
my kid rocks, that's for sure. i knew that when he started singing the clash and pumping the horns high in the air (or as high as a three-year-old can).
the strangest things about parenting is knowing that you are writing in a blank book, shaping and warping those little minds. (evil laughter)
good luck on your baby-making. even if you don't get pregnant immediately (now! now!), it's always fun practicing.
56. PJ said:
My son's friend informed me recently that you should wash eggs before you use them because they come from a chicken's butt.
57. todd said:
this is what i keep telling my friends about kids and none of them believe me. when i fessed up that i would love to have one or two, i thought some of them were going to drop their teeth. this is not the type of info that single gay men can handle very well for some reason. idiots! you and blurb rock and you will make great parents. you've had great practice with that cute chuck. granted kids are not the same as dogs, but you have to start somewhere. when are you closing on the house, by the way?
58. anamika said:
those kids would knock my socks off. what a group.
59. UnderwearNinja said:
Ally will be the one with natual art talent. It's rare for a child of 8 to actually draw in perspective, such as the hind legs and how the head actually sits forward. I hope someone keeps her stocked on art supplies =)
60. Shawn said:
Conversation between 3 year-old son and myself:
Son: "I have a great idea"
Me: "What is it?"
Son: "A great idea"
THE END
61. Taylor said:
I love the pictures! Theres something soo..soo.. honest that comes out when kids draw things. As far as the kids debate goes..(only judging with my experience with my little sister) it is a cycle. They are incredibly cute and fun in the early years, then become a pain, then are fun, then become a pain, then hopefully end on the fun note. Do you have names picked out already?
62. christine said:
All kids/babies are cool from the start. It's the parents that can make or break it. christine
63. Lex said:
Man, IRK totally stole my idea.
Dooce, you're gonna be a great mom. As for "spoiled" kids raising hell in restaurants, etc., you childless people would be *amazed* at what kind of misbehavior one can overlook when one is in the throes of sleep deprivation.
64. zchamu said:
Do you actually have a shirt in that funky green color?
65. Jane said:
I was first thinking, what the hell a nabor is and then it hit me; it was neighbor. How adorable. Smart kids rock.
66. Jeni Does College said:
I really like how Alex made your lips look like a fabulously red sombrero.
Thought I'd say hello and let you know I really enjoy your writing.
67. Spike said:
Ah, kids who are worth it - they're such a rarity. I'm lucky - three of my brothers have lovely kids, all interesting and smart and funny. And they do love their Uncle, even if he's the only one who can be an ogre with them and get away with it.
Love the blog, although you should get a cat and lose the dog. ;)
68. Silvia said:
lock 'em in the closet until they are old enough to mow the (new) lawn! - or make you a cocktail - kidding...sort of.
69. Heather #2 said:
It's like the traveling cowboy just stumbled into town and the nearest saloon and spit right on the toughest sharpshooter without even knowing it. He's laughing, but all the joe's and ladies in the bar are silent, staring, waiting to see what the tough guy is gonna do.
Spike. Lemme let you in on a little secret: CONGRESSMAN CHUCK IS NOT JUST ANY DOG.
I'm totally grabbing a margarita and a front row seat, waiting for Dooce's response to this one.
70. Dave Thomas said:
If the dog's all that, let him defend himself. Let's see them claws a-clickety clickin' on the old keyboard, tell you what.
71. Jodi said:
I'm impressed that Isabelle used "you're" instead of "your". She could teach many adults a thing or two.