The extent of the religion in this house
Yesterday morning when I mentioned to Leta that the Easter Bunny had brought her a basket full of goodies she presented me with a blank face. I don't know what I was expecting because we hadn't ever talked about it before and she didn't know that she was supposed to be excited. I could have said, "GAH GAH GAH GAH GAH," and it would have meant the same thing to her: sentence does not contain any instances of the words "Elmo" or "cookie" so I can stop paying attention now.
We didn't prepare her for the event for a few reasons. One, we are lazy. Two, how do you explain the Easter Bunny to a two-year-old? Look, Sweetie, this giant bunny wearing a bow-tie is going to break into the house while you're sleeping because Jesus died for your sins. Three, on the off chance that she did catch on to the whole concept the last thing I wanted to do was listen to her ask about the Easter Bunny every four seconds. Already we've had to start spelling words in front of her because certain ones can trigger dangerous fits of hyperventilation, words like gummy bear and Grandmommy. I made a huge mistake last week when I told her that we were going to Grandmommy's house later that afternoon because she stopped breathing air after she heard GRANDMOMMY and didn't hear the rest of the sentence. The disappointment over the fact that Grandmommy was in fact not in our house that very instant was such that I had to talk her out of throwing her body into traffic.
Also, M&M's are now known around here as "the letter that comes after L - ampersand - the letter that comes after L's."
Because we are no longer a very religious family we didn't attend any church services, but we did celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior by dyeing eggs. Nothing says "Jesus is risen!" like a festive hard-boiled egg. This is an activity that until yesterday I had never taken part of, and I used to think my parents were ogres for having denied us that experience. Now I know they were just smart. At one point Leta had her left foot submerged in the bowl of green dye, and in each hand she held an egg that she would seconds later throw in a straight line at the ground.
It was a picture of The Armstrongs at our finest: both Jon and I still in our pajamas, hair pointing in every direction except the right one, our child standing ankle-deep in a bowl of green vinegar with shards of egg shell tossed about like glitter. I can laugh about it now but at the time I was a wreck because I had a mental tally going of how many surfaces she could destroy with that dye. Jon kept telling me to relax because this mess was the essence of the activity, because we were creating memories with our child. And I totally see his point, which is why next year I think we should dye eggs while we're drunk and naked.
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FM Living
Jenorama said:
I boiled eggs, but my kids came home from their father's today and said, "We've already colored eggs."
I got more interest in coloring eggs from the middle-aged men who came over for lamb dinner yesterday and drank all my liquor.
04.17.06 - 06:21 PM / 1berrychick said:
I made the kids dye Easter eggs outside- I felt bad at first like I was just an anal neat freak mom... I let that go after the third cup of dye got knocked over.
There was more dye on them then on any eggs.
04.17.06 - 06:24 PM / 2ktjane said:
I love that photo!
04.17.06 - 06:27 PM / 3Jo said:
Oh wow. I was excited about being the second person to leave a comment on a post. And then I realized that I hadn't signed in. Now demoted to third. Oh well.
Easter eggs...the thrill of it all! Actually, we've only dyed eggs once or twice...
I love your (Leta's) eggs. They are very pretty. :)
04.17.06 - 06:28 PM / 4staceypacer said:
WOW...how much fun, as long as you can see past the sea of green! I try to remind myself not to spaz out about the house, but rather savor the memory!
First time commenter, long time reader!!!
04.17.06 - 06:28 PM / 5PK said:
Snicker.
I'm still finding glow-in-the-dark dye on our clothes. Dye from 2004.
Nudity would've saved the clothes, but where would I still be finding the dye, I shudder to ask.
04.17.06 - 06:29 PM / 6Sarah said:
My daughter came back from Easter with her father and his family and said she had eggs for her step-father which, she declared proudly, she "sucked and blowed."
I just about fell over laughing.
04.17.06 - 06:36 PM / 7Bekah said:
I'm mildly disappointed that there is no photo of a green-footed Leta here.
Happy Easter!
04.17.06 - 06:38 PM / 8dkat18 said:
Ok, I'm actually leaving a comment (my first I must say) about the last entry 'Semantics', it was HILARIOUS, I don't know why, but since I read it I'll random think of it and laugh out loud, thank you.
04.17.06 - 06:42 PM / 9Charles Hawtrey said:
"Also, M&M’s are now known around here as “the letter that comes after L - ampersand - the letter that comes after L’s.â€"
Just wait until she learns how to spell!
04.17.06 - 06:45 PM / 10dirtyolive said:
I had everything set up, I was psyched and truth be told, a little tipsy. We had collected leaves for the impressions, decided on the colours and everything was laid out on a plastic tablecloth...
Then he played with his trains.
I would have loved to have a little green-footed shot putter at my house.
04.17.06 - 06:46 PM / 11kim said:
Great post! Funny as usual. I have been reading your blog for a long time, and I enjoy it immensely.
04.17.06 - 06:49 PM / 12calicokitty said:
technicolor eggs, nice visual Alliteration of Yellow
04.17.06 - 06:50 PM / 13saywha? said:
I just focus on the fertility side of Easter. It's all about spring, new growth and of course doin it like bunnies. Oh and chocolate.
04.17.06 - 06:53 PM / 14Aj said:
Drunk and naked: just like the first Easter.
04.17.06 - 06:59 PM / 15Akgmcgirl said:
I too find it easier to ignore certain, (most) subjects around my 3 year old son, because I too cant stand the constant every 10 second questions about a certain thing we might be doing later! lol. My husband family is planning a large family reunion in Boston this fall, and my son and I will be going, I havent even brought it up to him, and have asked the family to not elaborate to him about it, because if he found out he was going on a plane... well by time October finally got here, I will have pulled all my hair out and stuffed his mouth shut with it, because I would be so insane from the CONSTANT reminders of the airplane!
04.17.06 - 06:59 PM / 16Annie said:
If you're not doing it drunk and naked, you're just not doing it right.
Which is pretty much my motto in life, now that I think about it.
04.17.06 - 07:02 PM / 17kwall said:
Please turn on comments for Semantics. The comments could be great! I love this site, Heather you're awsome
04.17.06 - 07:06 PM / 18Renee Dodd said:
It's true, the connection between absolution through blood sacrifice and a bunny distributing eggs and chocolate in nests of plastic grass is a little hard to explain to kids.
As is why they shouldn't just keep eating the candy contents of every plastic egg as well as hard boiled eggs as fast as they can... I watched some very excellent parents do their best to tackle this over the weekend, but the lil' cutie still barfed on Dad's shoulder at the end of the day.
Ah, Easter!
04.17.06 - 07:06 PM / 19jams said:
i am just happy to see you can understand the delicious peeps
youre either a lover or a hater, and i happen to be a peep lover
the wax eyes are annoying though
and yes, i know they are 'gross' and yes, i still love them. appropriately, i will be seeing my dentist for a filling thursday
happy spring!
speaking of great yellow things - here in the pacnw, after you know, fiftysomething days of straight rain, it's the perfectly timed daffodils that i swear save my life and soul every spring
04.17.06 - 07:06 PM / 20vegasandvenice said:
I am sure Jesus would appreciate nothing more than the very idea of you drunken and naked coloring Easter eggs! Oh wait maybe if the eggs had little swear words on them! Ya know I totally hate to be an idea moocher but can we do this to next year? We've been a bit less than religious this year too! Gotta make up for that somehow!
Thanks for the great idea! Happy Holiday Burgler, Egg Dying, Chocolate Celebration Day!
04.17.06 - 07:07 PM / 21vajrabelle said:
Ha!
I don't care what any of those uptight [further obvious titles omitted to limit more insidiously righteous outrage] say about your blog -- it makes me laugh out loud every time and I whole-heartedly thank you (and Leta, and Chuck, and even Jon/John) for it.
04.17.06 - 07:11 PM / 22freecave said:
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, too funny!
04.17.06 - 07:13 PM / 23Caloden said:
We did a practice run of the egg dying thing about a month ago. I stripped down the toddler, handed the dying process over to the eight year old and got the hell out of the way. I truly wanted to build a memory but the randomness thing was a bit too much.
Next year maybe I'll strip down too, and a drink might help with the OCD.
04.17.06 - 07:14 PM / 24Amybobamy said:
I'm such an awful mommy. I totally forgot about the egg-dying part.
My daughter is 3 and she doesn't much care WHY the Easter bunny comes, but knows he is in league with Santa, and they are best friends for life.
04.17.06 - 07:14 PM / 25Erin said:
I laughed out loud while reading this (as usual) and my roommate in the other room said, "What are you laughing at?" I said, "Dooce!" and she said, "Oh, I know, I just read it!"
You are loved by roommates everywhere.
04.17.06 - 07:17 PM / 26happy said:
We found signs that said "Bunny Trail". So, we laid a line of stuffed bunnies, chicks, any damned stuffed animal around, that led to her Easter basket. Over the years she became a bit obsessive when Easter was getting near. And since I tend toward the obsessive myself, I went along with it. She figured out how many animals we needed to have one every twelve inches and drew a goal chart(you know, the big thermometer thing). Any time we were near a thrift shop, another bunny for the trail. She's in college now. I still give her an Easter basket, but now with dvds or cds and just a bit of candy. The stuffed animals were donated to our local free store for other kids to enjoy. She's amazingly normal. I don't know how that happened.
04.17.06 - 07:26 PM / 27Melanie & Co. said:
If it makes you feel any better we colored eggs with my six year old well after we put the two year old to bed!
Another long-time reader, first-time commenter. I love your site thanks for not letting the nay-sayers bother you!
04.17.06 - 07:29 PM / 28happy said:
I taught her to microwave peeps. A skill that will take her far in life.
04.17.06 - 07:34 PM / 29sasha said:
That's about the extent of religion in our house too.
Happy Zombie Jesus Day!
04.17.06 - 07:35 PM / 30