No, Seriously
Tuesday, May 6 2003
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Daily, Misc, Utah
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I'm so not kidding when I say that the boxes in the masthead above are an exact representation of the state of my new home at this moment. I'm also not kidding when I say that my front yard is covered in as many empty boxes as full boxes inside the house, and that this makes me feel closer to my double-wide trailer living aunts and uncles more than anything else ever has, including the time I dyed my hair at home with a product I bought at Walmart.
I'm not kidding when I say that all I want to do is sleep all day and watch old episodes of "Changing Rooms" on the new Tivo box in the bedroom or old episodes of "Ground Force" on the other new Tivo box in the living room. I'm not kidding when I say that I cried maniacally for an hour when Tivo automatically recorded Operation Dumbo Drop because it thought I might like it, and when I couldn't figure out how to tell it to NEVER RECORD ANYTHING starring Ray Liotta.
I'm so not kidding when I say that my dog is sitting on top of me as I write this, his head pressed desperately into my neck, and that this is not normal for a dog who usually disdains the act of cuddling. I'm not kidding when I say that not only has he not eaten breakfast for a week, but he has also shunned cured pigs ears and entire slices of banana, two of his favorite treats. I'm really not kidding when I say that he has begun growling at anything that comes within feet of our front yard, including the skinny UPS boy who delivered our multiple Tivo boxes and a belligerent bird who defiantly sits on the porch and tweets, that tweeting motherfucker.
I know it's hard to believe and all, but I couldn't be more serious and not kidding when I say that I am completely overwhelmed and on the verge of TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. And I'm not kidding when I say that homeownership, while thrilling and far better than living-with-the-stepfather-ship, makes me want to cry and crawl back into the womb where there were no lawns to mow or boxes to unpack or water bills or holes to drill for telephone wires or paint buckets or recycling bins to make sure are out by the curb on Tuesday morning far enough away from the car parked in front of the house so that the bastards WILL PICK IT UP THIS TIME.
And finally, I am so not kidding when I say that I am grumpy enough that the next time I hear someone pronounce "mountain" as "maaoow-in" I'm gonna beat them senseless with a miniature replica of the Salt Lake Mormon Temple.
- Oh noes! Here her goes again!
Thursday, 25 September 2008 - Thoughts I had before 7 AM
Wednesday, 24 September 2008 - Text message conversation with Carol last evening
Tuesday, 23 September 2008 - Two brief anecdotes
Monday, 22 September 2008 - For now her name is Puppy
Friday, 19 September 2008
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1. Patty said:
First post!
You poor muffin.
2. Katie said:
So.. *whistles* How's the weather?
3. dooce said:
so, yeah, the weather... it's been 40 FUCKING DEGREES everyday for the last two weeks. this is the desert, for crying out loud.
GRUMBLE.
4. Pete said:
what else was that mormon temple good for anyhow? that could silence the bird if you have the arm for it...don't do it.
5. Valkyrie9 said:
I probably have a death wish for even bringing this up, but...uh...is there any chance that you might be...in a family way? Not that you sound moody or anything. Heavens, no.
6. rosebaby said:
breathe.
it's completely overwhelming to buy a house. but once the boxes are unpacked you will do the glorious happy dance with the handsome husband and the dog will settle in and you'll walk through the neighborhood, and it will be YOUR neighborhood and you will plant stuff and mow the lawn (or not) you will play croquet with gin and tonic in hand, and you may then shoot the motherfucking bird.
7. Lex said:
I'm with Valkyrie9 on this one. In Blog life (can't speak for real life), you're never this moody.
That said, TiVo records weird things for weird reasons. In fact, if memory serves, the Wall St. Journal had an article on this a few months back titled, "What do you do if your TiVo thinks you're gay?" I'll see if I can find a link.
Feel better. Another six months from now, all those boxes will be gone. Really.
L. (who has moved 14 times in 20 years since college)
8. Clubfoot said:
Dooce, baby, you need to kick back and burn one and watch some more tivo. I just re-discovered weed after 20 years away - it's a nice escape. Anyone have a tip how I can bring a number with me on a short plane trip?
9. Heather #2 said:
Thank God for the Blurb. He HAS to be the only thing keeping you sane, which we all appreciate. Write if you need to. I'll be here, renting and husbandless.
P.S. When it gets to be too much, just think of the minister parents story. Love ya!
10. starfish said:
gotta go with the trusty bunghole, clubfoot. it's a short trip.
11. Sheila said:
Keep an eye on the pooch.
`
When we moved, our dog wandered away. Frantic searching all day only to learn he'd ended up back at the house his former owners lived in (we'd adopted him 5 yr prior) but the neighbors couldn't catch him.
`
He came back to our new house on his own...after cover what I estimate to be 25-30 miles. And looking like something the cat dragged in.
12. zak said:
Take the boxes with stuff you're never going to use anyway and either toss them out, put them in the basement or give them to charity.
After 6 years of home ownership we finally got around to cleaning out the basement and found all kinds of memories. There were boxes that hadn't been moved since we moved in.
Some stuff we just couldn't part with, other stuff we couldn't even remember where it came from. It was tough parting with some of the memories, but it was easier than buying a house with a bigger basement.
BTW,
It gets easier.
13. el said:
On the other hand....
you can paint the walls any color you want because you own them and...
Good Fellas is a great movie.
14. christine said:
I believe that 'TiVo thinks you're gay' theme was also done on an episode of "King of Queens".
Unpacking sucks.
15. tracy said:
Moving sucks. But at least you can paint, and don't have to deal with the carpeting that clashes with all your furniture far more than you expected. And you have Chuck. My kitties were not mine to take, and have remained happily with the parentals. No matter how many times I ask them to climb into my purse, they refuse to be smuggled. Damn cats.
16. zchamu said:
I think it's time for an emergency whisky.
17. talia fucking shire said:
Can't you ever be happy, Dooce?
Jesus.
18. bob said:
whiskey is only for emergencies?
19. ardenstone said:
We bought our first house about a year ago, and if I recall the last thing I wanted to hear after all that painting was, "oh, but at least you can paint the rooms any color you want!"
Still, once the dust settles and the garbage and recycling people have been called a few dozen times, there is a certain deep quiet that you just can not achieve in an apartment or housing shared with parents, etc. It's worth it.
Good luck with the move, it does get better.
20. todd said:
Maybe I am just being thick, but why do you need TWO tivo's in ONE home? And furthermore how can anybody afford to buy TWO tivo's anyway? ONE unit has always suited my needs rightly. Explain yourself.
21. EC said:
After 5 years, we still got boxes. That is what the 3rd bedroom was for.
22. bdk&e said:
I feel your pain. But you know I feel your pain. I am watching Trading Spaces and can not move. I need some caffeine and perhaps it would help to walk over to 15th and 15th with a certain good friend so we can both decompress.
23. Clubfoot said:
starfish, uh, really? hmmm...sorta re-thinking this whole weed thing. how, exactly, would one, um, utilize the bunghole, if I may ask?
24. christine said:
Ditto on that. We moved into our new home like four years ago and STILL have unpacked boxes of crap in one of our spare bedrooms. My toddlers consider it a treasure trove and love to go searching for new crap to play with.
25. bdk&e said:
Todd- Are you kidding? Two TIVOS are barely enough. For starters, When my husband wants to watch some history channel Tales of the Gun show for the billionth time, I can always go to our other TIVO and watch Road Rules/Real World Challange. And then if we had a third, the kids could go watch their favorite show, Little Bear. --Wait, what does this say about me and quality family time? Anyway...
26. chunderchud said:
Don't sweat it. Hell, since buying our house a year ago, we've become white trash central for Sugar House, what with an entire basement's infrastructure sitting in a molding pile on our driveway. I'm with bdk&e -- head to 15th and 15th, get some baklava and potato harra from Mazza, think of your step father (only briefly) then go home and turn up the stereo/tv to 11. If that doesn't bring a smile, don't worry, it will tomorrow.
27. J said:
talia etc... shire
Dooce's misery is exactly what makes her absolutely perfect! Moving sucks. And Dooce has captured the mood brilliantly.
This is actually a happy post for the Dooce-meister. :)
Keep going Dooce. One day there will be no more boxes. And Chuck will start eating pigs' ears again.
Eww.
28. slackjaw said:
Buing the first house wasn't nearly as strange as when we had to go to Home Depot to buy a john for the new bathroom...
You can pretend all you want that where your living is really a rental and not a house owned you own, but when you have to go and buy something permanent like a place to take a dump...well it just freaked me out a little, thats all.
29. slackjaw said:
I must be on crack...
I really should take a moment to reread what I post for errors...sorry about that.
30. Broch said:
I feel your pain, and because of said pain, I just sold my motherfucking house. Of course, you have a bungalow, so I wouldn't be quite so hasty to make the jump.
31. Traci said:
We finally moved into our house about a month ago after the closing was delayed four times. That left us with no time to clean carpets, paint and tear down the hideous wallpaper before we had to move. So we've been doing the cleaning and decorating AROUND all the boxes and stuff that's been unpacked looking for other stuff.
Yeah, I feel it too.
32. the mighty jimbo said:
somebody call paige davis quick! dooce needs help!
then again, after a week like that, dooce might just beat the crap out of that perky little motherfucker.
33. Jodi said:
I'm waiting for someone to tell you you should be happy you even HAVE a home when there are so many homeless people out there 'n' all.
34. symbiotic monkey swimmer said:
Can I ask how you and hubby afford such luxury? Aren't you unemployed?
35. resume said:
I'm guessing you moved to Utah and you aren't really excited about living there. Right?
36. certified said:
Having recently moved into the second home, I have to agree with all who say GET RID OF THE BOXES. We moved shit we never opened after living in our other house for five years. That kind of makes you feel stupid. But is is a great feeling knowing that the local charities know your voice on the phone and will pick it all up for you.
37. dooce said:
symbiotic monkey swimmer: i have a job but have learned through a tiny little itty bitty piece of experience to NEVER TALK ABOUT IT ONLINE.
38. Morgan said:
No job talk... I think I remember reading something about that once a while ago...
and NO Ray Liotta? What about Goodfellas?
39. Beerzie Boy said:
What? Block Ray Liotta and risk missing Copland or Goodfellas? I hope you have them on DVD, at least.
40. Jonathan Lamb said:
Man, I bet you never seen a doublewide - some of them can be real nice.
My brother has one with a POOL outside it.
41. matt said:
What do you do to get your pictures the way they are. I am an amateur photographer, and usually just do black and white, since I can never get my color pictures to have the right look. All i have is a regular clear filter, and a regular lense, plus a teleconverter.. What all do you use? please email me
42. dooce said:
i don't know... at least for me, watching Ray being fed his own squishy, spongy brains by another human being sort of ruins every other character he's played, even if his performance was revelatory in Operation Dumbo Drop.
43. eddeaux said:
i just noticed that moron and mormon are very similar- just remove one m... this has probably been noted by countless others, but sometimes I am slow on the uptake.
dooce- soon it will all be over and it will be worth it...
44. Charles R. Kaiser said:
You will NEVER unpack all of our boxes. Even if you grow old and die in that house there will still be unpacked boxes from your move somewhere in that house. My wife and I moved from a one beadroom apartment to my mother-in-law's basement and then into a three bedroom house. We still have a basement that is larger than our entire apartment was that is FULL of boxes. I am still looking for a missing box of CD's that I fear will never be found until they are all replaced at Canadian prices. Once I finally replace my copy of Chet Atkins and Mark Knolfler's (sp?) "Neck and Neck" that damn box will make a reappearence. . .
My wife keep talking about having a garage sale. Yeah, that just might help.
BTW, your blog never remembers my personal info. Am _I_ doing something wrong?
45. Ferra said:
Homeownership is terrifying, but then you relax and learn the pace of things and everything feels fine--until you undertake your first remodel job. And no one remodels sensible things like spare bedrooms or libraries or potting sheds, no one remodels the rooms they use less than one-sixth of the time they spend in their house. You think "Hey! Let's remodel the kitchen! A room we use EVERY DAY, MANY TIMES A DAY!" and you fight over stupid paint chips and tile samples and whether you should put down cork or bamboo flooring, leading to discussions of divorce before you're EVEN MARRIED. Lord almighty.
For the record, we went with bamboo.
46. alex said:
Unpacking boxes is overrated.
Though if you did not, think of all the homeless folks who would then also be box-less. That's assuming you're unpacking human-sized boxes. Though homeless dogs and cats need boxes, too. And infants. But human-sized boxes, there's where the real action is. Just ask the Mafia.
Speaking of which, I sat near a guy who looked JUST LIKE John Gotti this past weekend. That and your Ray Liotta blast is hitting just a few too many high notes on the synchronicity symphony. Oh, that and the fact that I haven't unpacked half the stuff from the last time I moved. Two years ago.
47. Charles R. Kaiser said:
Man do I hate the keyboard on this computer! The keys are way too close together, and it makes me miss important letters.
I know that you will really never get to unpack "our" boxes. Although if you wnated to come up to Canada to help out. . .
48. So gay said:
Here's the link to that TiVo thinks your gay...
http://www.mail-archive.com/
eristocracy@merrymeet.com/
msg00148.html
... now sadly, my Tivo is convinced I am straight. Damn.
49. Josh said:
eddeaux,
Read your comment and went to your site to read about rocket science (your comment was so insightful I expected no less), but instead I found this,
"Humility is such an important part of being a Christian..."
The humor was sublime. Thank you.
50. The Inmate said:
You know, for someone who recently had a hard time contending with webhosting bills, just moved to a new place, and was ranting about unemployemt less than a year ago, you sure got nice toys. How's them priorities doing?
I can't wait for The American Consumerism Monster to visit MY part of the world.
51. zchamu said:
Your dog eats banana. That's interesting. Tell me, what does that do for his flatulence? Because the beagle loves people food, but christ, does it make him fart.
52. Tiffany said:
I've lived here in Utah since 1992 and I still can't adapt to people who can't speak English properly. If I hear a dropped "t" in my house I nearly go postal on the poor sucker who made the mistake.
I wonder if this means my kids are in for a heaping helping of therapy later in life.
53. melissa said:
Interesting that people want to kick you while you're down...questioning the necessity of a two-tivo household. Sheesh. In my "dark, surrounded by boxes, make it be over with, get the fuck out of my way, there's too much to be done and no time or patience to get through any if this shit" times, entertainment has been a true life-saver. On the other hand, I guess you could just look to the miniature replica of the Salt Lake Mormon Temple for relief...[then we'll know your muddled mind has lost all dooce-iness.] Seriously, now: you're almost there, so hang in. Moving really really stinks.
54. harriedgirl said:
Be happy that you can afford a house when so many people cannot. I found it difficult to complain about moving when I realized that I was able to plunk 20% down on a house in California. Just wait for a supplemental tax bill to get your blood really moving!
55. jenny said:
i moved into my first home this past weekend... and i totally totally know what you are going through. Can i just say that even my HOUSE PLANTS seem to know that I've moved and they've gone and just about died on me in a matter of a few days?? WTF IS GOING ON!! and who knew that when i told the painters... " a clean beige for the kitchen, please..." they would bring over 340928347234 sample chips of BEIGE?
all my stuff is in boxes. I cant find anything. I wish i could just go back to condo-renting hell. =(
56. Katie said:
Replying to comment above:
40 degrees? Sheesh. Come down to Vegas where it's been at least 75 everyday.
57. Summer said:
Hang in there Dooce! You'll feel sooo relieved when you're sitting in a newly painted unpacked living room enjoying your TiVo!
58. graz said:
hello! i'm new here.
graz from spain.
i love your photos. great.
i will come back every day.
59. Kevynn Malone said:
Sorry, you can't throw out the boxes yet. You have to make a fort out of them. Damn, whatchoo thinkin', girl?
60. Jodi said:
Keep the boxes unpacked. Every so often, like once a year, so it's an EVENT, pick a box and go through it. Maybe that'll make it fun. I don't know.
All I do know is that I still haven't found my fucking lava lamp that I packed 2-1/2 years ago when I moved into this apartment. I still say the movers stole it.
61. Jodi said:
P.S. Actually, the MOVERS packed for me since I'm a spoiled impatient baby. (They DID steal the lava lamp, then. It's settled.)
62. alex said:
She fretted about boxes of cardboard / A duct tape re-enforced smorgasbord / But she said she wasn't kidding / About the drowning sensation she was feeling / The real life that none of us can afford.
63. felicia said:
I've just recently found your site and it is SO fab :)
Will certainly bookmark it!
64. heather said:
I can dig the his and her's tivos. Thankfully, I've converted my fiancee to the wonder that is Formula 1 racing, so he won't look at me funny when I watch qualifying at 8am on Saturday mornings.
Congrats on the new house. Coming from a girl who's moved 12+ times, I get an obscene joy out of moving. It was always fun to not label boxes, just for the thrill of discovery. We just always had to be careful not to pack the cats.
65. Joelle said:
Ray Liotta is the anti-christ.
66. the farkleberry said:
If the TiVo does accidentally record anything by Ray Liotta, here is a handy recipe that a good way to use it up:
Ray Liotta
2 parts mashed potato
2 parts Mafioso
2 parts ham
dash of tooth whitener
grain of salt
Shake well, spread on toast. Serve with Michelob Ultra (bleeeech).
67. Charles R. Kaiser said:
Don't let anti-consumer folks get you down dooce. When you buy a house that's the best time to spend lots of cash. In fact, it's about the only time that the bank seems willing to just THROW money at you.
I wish that I had a Tivo. They don't seem to be available in Canada. It's probably the government that is keeping them out. I mean, we have to keep the CANADIAN identity going and growing. God forbid that we become too much like the U S of A. Canadain televison sucks. The govenment recently cut 25 million dollars out of the budget that used to go the producers of Canadian programming. People proclaimed the death of Canadian television. Hell, it the ENTIRE Canadian television industry will go down because of a loss of 25 million, then it deserves to die! 25 million would barely pay for the film on a US produced movie, and cutting that is going to end Canadian television? Good! I wanted to watch more Dukes of Hazard reruns anyway.
68. Jay said:
The first time we moved, my mother-in-law flew into town to "help." And by "help", I mean help to escalate run-of-the-mill freaking out to end-of-the-fucking-world- passive-aggressive-manipulative- wife-sobbing-uncontrollably freaking out. I guess my point is, take any and all available comfort in Blurb and dog while the freaking out runs its course. To the extent that you're able, keep the external factors external.
69. allisonic said:
so is tina fab going tonight?
70. HRH said:
Oh, your moving and packing woes have me very scared. I'm doing a transatlantic move next month at the end of which I'll be reaquainted with a storage locker full of my old stuff. I fully expect to find Hoffa in some of my old boxes.