No, Seriously
I'm so not kidding when I say that the boxes in the masthead above are an exact representation of the state of my new home at this moment. I'm also not kidding when I say that my front yard is covered in as many empty boxes as full boxes inside the house, and that this makes me feel closer to my double-wide trailer living aunts and uncles more than anything else ever has, including the time I dyed my hair at home with a product I bought at Walmart.
I'm not kidding when I say that all I want to do is sleep all day and watch old episodes of "Changing Rooms" on the new Tivo box in the bedroom or old episodes of "Ground Force" on the other new Tivo box in the living room. I'm not kidding when I say that I cried maniacally for an hour when Tivo automatically recorded Operation Dumbo Drop because it thought I might like it, and when I couldn't figure out how to tell it to NEVER RECORD ANYTHING starring Ray Liotta.
I'm so not kidding when I say that my dog is sitting on top of me as I write this, his head pressed desperately into my neck, and that this is not normal for a dog who usually disdains the act of cuddling. I'm not kidding when I say that not only has he not eaten breakfast for a week, but he has also shunned cured pigs ears and entire slices of banana, two of his favorite treats. I'm really not kidding when I say that he has begun growling at anything that comes within feet of our front yard, including the skinny UPS boy who delivered our multiple Tivo boxes and a belligerent bird who defiantly sits on the porch and tweets, that tweeting motherfucker.
I know it's hard to believe and all, but I couldn't be more serious and not kidding when I say that I am completely overwhelmed and on the verge of TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. And I'm not kidding when I say that homeownership, while thrilling and far better than living-with-the-stepfather-ship, makes me want to cry and crawl back into the womb where there were no lawns to mow or boxes to unpack or water bills or holes to drill for telephone wires or paint buckets or recycling bins to make sure are out by the curb on Tuesday morning far enough away from the car parked in front of the house so that the bastards WILL PICK IT UP THIS TIME.
And finally, I am so not kidding when I say that I am grumpy enough that the next time I hear someone pronounce "mountain" as "maaoow-in" I'm gonna beat them senseless with a miniature replica of the Salt Lake Mormon Temple.
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FM Living
Patty said:
First post!
You poor muffin.
05.06.03 - 10:28 AM / 1Katie said:
So.. *whistles* How's the weather?
05.06.03 - 10:31 AM / 2dooce said:
so, yeah, the weather... it's been 40 FUCKING DEGREES everyday for the last two weeks. this is the desert, for crying out loud.
GRUMBLE.
05.06.03 - 10:34 AM / 3Pete said:
what else was that mormon temple good for anyhow? that could silence the bird if you have the arm for it...don't do it.
05.06.03 - 10:39 AM / 4Valkyrie9 said:
I probably have a death wish for even bringing this up, but...uh...is there any chance that you might be...in a family way? Not that you sound moody or anything. Heavens, no.
05.06.03 - 10:47 AM / 5rosebaby said:
breathe.
it's completely overwhelming to buy a house. but once the boxes are unpacked you will do the glorious happy dance with the handsome husband and the dog will settle in and you'll walk through the neighborhood, and it will be YOUR neighborhood and you will plant stuff and mow the lawn (or not) you will play croquet with gin and tonic in hand, and you may then shoot the motherfucking bird.
05.06.03 - 10:59 AM / 6Lex said:
I'm with Valkyrie9 on this one. In Blog life (can't speak for real life), you're never this moody.
That said, TiVo records weird things for weird reasons. In fact, if memory serves, the Wall St. Journal had an article on this a few months back titled, "What do you do if your TiVo thinks you're gay?" I'll see if I can find a link.
Feel better. Another six months from now, all those boxes will be gone. Really.
L. (who has moved 14 times in 20 years since college)
05.06.03 - 11:00 AM / 7Clubfoot said:
Dooce, baby, you need to kick back and burn one and watch some more tivo. I just re-discovered weed after 20 years away - it's a nice escape. Anyone have a tip how I can bring a number with me on a short plane trip?
05.06.03 - 11:15 AM / 8Heather #2 said:
Thank God for the Blurb. He HAS to be the only thing keeping you sane, which we all appreciate. Write if you need to. I'll be here, renting and husbandless.
P.S. When it gets to be too much, just think of the minister parents story. Love ya!
05.06.03 - 11:20 AM / 9starfish said:
gotta go with the trusty bunghole, clubfoot. it's a short trip.
05.06.03 - 11:20 AM / 10Sheila said:
Keep an eye on the pooch.
`
When we moved, our dog wandered away. Frantic searching all day only to learn he'd ended up back at the house his former owners lived in (we'd adopted him 5 yr prior) but the neighbors couldn't catch him.
`
He came back to our new house on his own...after cover what I estimate to be 25-30 miles. And looking like something the cat dragged in.
05.06.03 - 11:24 AM / 11zak said:
Take the boxes with stuff you're never going to use anyway and either toss them out, put them in the basement or give them to charity.
After 6 years of home ownership we finally got around to cleaning out the basement and found all kinds of memories. There were boxes that hadn't been moved since we moved in.
Some stuff we just couldn't part with, other stuff we couldn't even remember where it came from. It was tough parting with some of the memories, but it was easier than buying a house with a bigger basement.
BTW,
It gets easier.
05.06.03 - 11:36 AM / 12el said:
On the other hand....
you can paint the walls any color you want because you own them and...
Good Fellas is a great movie.
05.06.03 - 11:36 AM / 13christine said:
I believe that 'TiVo thinks you're gay' theme was also done on an episode of "King of Queens".
Unpacking sucks.
05.06.03 - 11:42 AM / 14tracy said:
Moving sucks. But at least you can paint, and don't have to deal with the carpeting that clashes with all your furniture far more than you expected. And you have Chuck. My kitties were not mine to take, and have remained happily with the parentals. No matter how many times I ask them to climb into my purse, they refuse to be smuggled. Damn cats.
05.06.03 - 11:49 AM / 15zchamu said:
I think it's time for an emergency whisky.
05.06.03 - 11:57 AM / 16talia fucking shire said:
Can't you ever be happy, Dooce?
Jesus.
05.06.03 - 12:09 PM / 17bob said:
whiskey is only for emergencies?
05.06.03 - 12:12 PM / 18ardenstone said:
We bought our first house about a year ago, and if I recall the last thing I wanted to hear after all that painting was, "oh, but at least you can paint the rooms any color you want!"
Still, once the dust settles and the garbage and recycling people have been called a few dozen times, there is a certain deep quiet that you just can not achieve in an apartment or housing shared with parents, etc. It's worth it.
Good luck with the move, it does get better.
05.06.03 - 12:18 PM / 19todd said:
Maybe I am just being thick, but why do you need TWO tivo's in ONE home? And furthermore how can anybody afford to buy TWO tivo's anyway? ONE unit has always suited my needs rightly. Explain yourself.
05.06.03 - 12:43 PM / 20EC said:
After 5 years, we still got boxes. That is what the 3rd bedroom was for.
05.06.03 - 12:51 PM / 21bdk&e said:
I feel your pain. But you know I feel your pain. I am watching Trading Spaces and can not move. I need some caffeine and perhaps it would help to walk over to 15th and 15th with a certain good friend so we can both decompress.
05.06.03 - 12:55 PM / 22Clubfoot said:
starfish, uh, really? hmmm...sorta re-thinking this whole weed thing. how, exactly, would one, um, utilize the bunghole, if I may ask?
05.06.03 - 12:56 PM / 23christine said:
Ditto on that. We moved into our new home like four years ago and STILL have unpacked boxes of crap in one of our spare bedrooms. My toddlers consider it a treasure trove and love to go searching for new crap to play with.
05.06.03 - 12:58 PM / 24bdk&e said:
Todd- Are you kidding? Two TIVOS are barely enough. For starters, When my husband wants to watch some history channel Tales of the Gun show for the billionth time, I can always go to our other TIVO and watch Road Rules/Real World Challange. And then if we had a third, the kids could go watch their favorite show, Little Bear. --Wait, what does this say about me and quality family time? Anyway...
05.06.03 - 01:00 PM / 25chunderchud said:
Don't sweat it. Hell, since buying our house a year ago, we've become white trash central for Sugar House, what with an entire basement's infrastructure sitting in a molding pile on our driveway. I'm with bdk&e -- head to 15th and 15th, get some baklava and potato harra from Mazza, think of your step father (only briefly) then go home and turn up the stereo/tv to 11. If that doesn't bring a smile, don't worry, it will tomorrow.
05.06.03 - 01:07 PM / 26J said:
talia etc... shire
Dooce's misery is exactly what makes her absolutely perfect! Moving sucks. And Dooce has captured the mood brilliantly.
This is actually a happy post for the Dooce-meister. :)
Keep going Dooce. One day there will be no more boxes. And Chuck will start eating pigs' ears again.
Eww.
05.06.03 - 01:12 PM / 27slackjaw said:
Buing the first house wasn't nearly as strange as when we had to go to Home Depot to buy a john for the new bathroom...
You can pretend all you want that where your living is really a rental and not a house owned you own, but when you have to go and buy something permanent like a place to take a dump...well it just freaked me out a little, thats all.
05.06.03 - 01:19 PM / 28slackjaw said:
I must be on crack...
I really should take a moment to reread what I post for errors...sorry about that.
05.06.03 - 01:21 PM / 29Broch said:
I feel your pain, and because of said pain, I just sold my motherfucking house. Of course, you have a bungalow, so I wouldn't be quite so hasty to make the jump.
05.06.03 - 01:29 PM / 30