Weekend Plans
This weekend we're going to buy this lawnmower so that we can attend to the 2-foot high wall of grass about to swallow the house. This morning I lost Chuck in the jungle lining the back fence. I swear I could hear Jeff Probst playing congo drums inside my garage.
Then we're going to Purchase $19.80 worth of music from the iTunes Music Store, The Best Store On Earth, because we will deserve it after mowing that lawn -- 10 songs for Jon, 10 songs for me. While I will try to restrict my purchases to Songs That Make Me Look Cool, I might have to give in and buy "Tonight" by New Kids on The Block, because really, what collection is complete without a little bit of Jordan Knight? I know Apple is still working on expanding the available selections and I just need to be patient, but they REALLY need to hurry up and catalog the entire Milli Vanilli discography.
Sunday we might go see The Maternal Units for Mother's Day, which means we should probably arrive bearing presents, but what the hell do you give The Avon World Sales Leader that she doesn't already have? I can't get her jewelry or make-up, or even matching pantsuits, and Skin So Soft is out of the question. I thought about flowers, but she can't travel with flowers and by the time she gets home at the end of the week from working in California, those flowers will be dead and nothing tells a mother that you love her more than dead and rotting peonies. Perhaps she'd like a mix CD with a collection of indie rock, maybe some Arab Strap and Interpol. My 58-yr old mother will LOVE Ugly Cassanova, especially that one song where he sings about cum on the piano and disco dancing neighbors born in mashed potatoes.
It's going to be a great weekend.
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FM Living
Bast Herself said:
First!
Hey at least you don't have the razor grass they had to go through on Eco-Challenge.
Poor Chuck.
Enjoy mowing!!
05.09.03 - 08:57 AM / 1Sarah B. said:
I think my mom is going to be way into Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. I started her mix off with "Baby baby you sure like to fuck!"
P.S. I still listen to my Milli Vanilli tape. Once, I listened to it while making out. I wonder what he though.
05.09.03 - 09:05 AM / 2Sarah B. said:
Thought. What he THOUGHT.
05.09.03 - 09:06 AM / 3Jory said:
Just in case you were considering it: Crotchless Panties are out, also. What with having to wear them over the garments and all.
05.09.03 - 09:09 AM / 4the mighty jimbo said:
the boxes are almost gone, the lawn will be mowed, chuck has a new yard to mine, you have a whole bunch of new tunes and it's almost memorial day.
i'm thinking housewarming party.
i'll bring the jello shots. well, it's utah, so maybe jello shots without the booze.
05.09.03 - 09:31 AM / 5dooce said:
jimbo: this is utah, there will be carrot slices in the jello.
05.09.03 - 09:33 AM / 6jen said:
would that jodi watley song be "friends" or "looking for a new love"?
05.09.03 - 09:57 AM / 7Beerzie Boy said:
How about a Top Gun CD and poster-size print of George W. in his Top Gun outfit?
That's what I'm getting my mom.
05.09.03 - 09:57 AM / 8Beerzie Boy said:
How about a Top Gun DVD and poster-size print of George W. in his Top Gun outfit?
That's what I'm getting my mom.
05.09.03 - 09:58 AM / 9jen said:
dammit! I post, refresh and it's gone!
05.09.03 - 09:58 AM / 10Beerzie Boy said:
I'm so proud of myself that I said it twice.
05.09.03 - 09:59 AM / 11pinky said:
What about a flowering plant? Your annoying stepfather can water it while mom's away. Then, if you sneak over and eat all the bologna, you can blame it on the plant.
05.09.03 - 10:30 AM / 12irish-girl said:
now i'm going to have that song in my head ALL DAY.
"see the girls with the curls in their hair. the buttons and the pins and the loud fanfare..."
just keep your mitts off joey.
05.09.03 - 10:34 AM / 13krotchbat said:
A nice Chaus or Liz Claiborne blouse always works for my mommy.
05.09.03 - 10:34 AM / 14allisonic said:
How about the best of The Bee Gees?
05.09.03 - 10:39 AM / 15april said:
Ahhhh. My first love used to sing "I'm gonna miss you" over the phone every night before I'd have to leave for family vacations. I think I'd STILL cry if I heard it now. I still have the cassette single amongst the fake gas station roses and teddy bears that he gave me.
05.09.03 - 10:39 AM / 16bdk&e said:
Maybe you should have come with us to the Paint Your Own Pottery Place. We're giving the Grandma's ceramic multi-colored dinosaurs. K. picked them out and painted them his 3 year-old-self. And I promise not to take your big toe nail off with the Pottery Store door. I promise.--As for your lawn, (1.) At least its not as bad as ours. (2.) At least Chuck was wearing Forced Safari.
05.09.03 - 10:46 AM / 17jodi said:
dooce... you ROCK! Every time I come to this site (several times a day... I have a boring job) you are saying something that makes me pee my pants. $4.50 for coffee...indeed.
My mom? She once told me that all she wants is for me to be happy. So I told her I was divorcing my husband and shaking up with a man 7 years older with an 11 year old daughter. She freaked. Now, she won't answer that "What do you want for Mother's Day" question anymore...
05.09.03 - 10:48 AM / 18bdk&e said:
Do any of us ever proof read anymore?
I mean at least Chuck WAS NOT wearing Forced Safari.
05.09.03 - 10:49 AM / 19John said:
Doocer,
You should get you mom a nice travelling alarm clock. She IS the leading blah blah blah of Avon you know.
05.09.03 - 10:50 AM / 20peudepois said:
I'm getting my mother (the woman who has everything), a book about mothers with pictures of animals and funny sayings. I found it at CVS next to the card section. I think it's by Hallmark. Yeah, it is cheesey, but my mom loves the cheese...
05.09.03 - 10:51 AM / 21peudepois said:
Or you could get her the Dr. Seuss Book, "Are you my mother?"
05.09.03 - 11:03 AM / 22Katie said:
Definitely an Interpol CD will do the trick. Because the subways are pornos in NY and Stella is a catatonic sex toy.
05.09.03 - 11:09 AM / 23Davey Wahlberg said:
Oly smack. I totally forgot about "Tonight". Now I really wanna hear it. I think I'm comfortable with that. Does that make me a bad person?
05.09.03 - 11:09 AM / 24alex said:
I'm stuck on the whole what-to-buy-the-mom-who-doesn't-have-everything-but-she-thinks-she-does thing, too.
One thing I won't get her is a funeral. Apparently she's made all the arrangements already, including making payments to the local funeral home for a year. This came up unexpectedly over nachos and enchiladas the other day. Lemme tell you, nothing goes with Mexican food quite like the burial instructions for your mom. At least she's paying for it. I don't plan on being so generous to my kids.
05.09.03 - 11:34 AM / 25April said:
How about a coupon or gift certificate treating her to an all day pampering at some healthy spa of some kind... like for back rubs and stuff?
05.09.03 - 11:36 AM / 26alex said:
Things I Will Not Get My Mom For Mother's Day: a bucket, a NKOTB cd, a cigar, a dildo, a Steven Segal dvd three-pak, bubble gum, an umbrella, shaving cream, a pencil, marshmellows, a fishing pole, an axe, a bra, a bag of nails, or a christmas tree.
I know. Obviously I don't love her as much as some of you love your moms. But I'm working on it.
05.09.03 - 11:38 AM / 27melly mel said:
For my first trip ever NYC (it was a high school field trip) my chaperone "Toph" made cool red t-shirts with white puffy lettering that read "Hangin' Toph - New Kids on the Square". Get it? "Toph"? "New Kids on the[Times] Square"? oh, okay, you do get it. Anyway, when we were downtown at some very gay men's clothing store, we saw Jordan (we ogled and giggled but, oddly for 14-year olds, did not approach him). He saw us staring at him and gave us the middle finger. A few hours later we saw him at Tower Records, and when he made eye contact with me, he flipped me off again. Why does Jordan hate me?
05.09.03 - 11:57 AM / 28anna jr. said:
click my name to link to the best mother's day present EVER!
and it's good for father's day, birthdays, graduation presents, housewarmings (jimbo), and so on.
really, any occasion.
05.09.03 - 12:07 PM / 29Erica said:
Wow, y'all are high rollin'. My mom is getting the breakfast entree of her choice at the local Perkins-like chain, the pleasure of my company, and maybe even the pleasure of my dad's absence.
05.09.03 - 12:08 PM / 30