Jon's Wife
So this telemarketer from Sears just called and asked for Jon. And since I knew immediately that it was a telemarketer I told her no, he wasn't here, but if she'd like to leave her name and home telephone number, I'm sure he'd love to call her back at an inconvenient time. And I don't think she even heard me because she just sort of ignored me and said, "Well then, is Jon's wife available?" And normally I would have said no, but I couldn't help but wonder how she knew that he was married, and if she knew that much information, what else did she know? So I said, "Yes, I am Jon's wife," and before I could ask her how she knew that he was married, or if she also knew that he has a chronically unmanageable thicket of curls covering his entire head, or that he can't sleep in past 7:30 AM on any given morning, and that when he wakes up he has the cutest uncontrollable urge to tap me and nuzzle my neck even though I'm usually grumpy and covered in a thick film of my own morning breath, or that he bought me Mother's Day presents on behalf of the dog, or that he can stand to be around my family even though they're abrasively Southern and very into plastic plants, or that he can wield a weed whacker LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS, or that he has such a remarkable relationship with the dog that the dog will only go pee if he is standing nearby, or that he hits his head on the heating ducts every single time he goes into the basement and vows that he is going to cover those fuckers with foam but never gets around to it, or that he has the most beautiful hands, perfectly aged and rough from working every day of his life and that there is nothing more satisfying in this life than to look down and see those hands gripping my waist, or that he can stand a certain way when he comes home from work, slightly angular, his arms heavy from fatigue, and that it makes my heart beat so fast that I can burn an entire package of Twizzler's Cherry Nibs worth of calories just by looking at him, before I could ask her any of this, she made the monumental mistake of asking, "Well, does he allow you to answer his phone calls?" And I know she didn't mean any offense, or at least for a split second I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed she didn't mean any offense, but after that single split second I gave into the hackles on the back of my neck and answered rather lovingly into the speaker phone, "I'm not sure about that lady, but I am sure that your husband ALLOWS you to be a cunt." And if she didn't know before, she knows now that Jon allows me to use such language.
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FM Living
grants said:
Good story. I like it.
05.13.03 - 01:56 PM / 1Chris said:
Dooce! How dare you blast the virgin ears of innocent Telemarketers! LOL!!!!
05.13.03 - 01:59 PM / 2Chad said:
#2! So Close! I'd like to nuzzle Jon's neck when he wakes up, baby.
05.13.03 - 02:01 PM / 3jess said:
GO DOOCE GO!
05.13.03 - 02:01 PM / 4Chad said:
Ok so #3. Thanks Chris. 8^Þ
05.13.03 - 02:02 PM / 5Chad said:
So, now that I finished reading, is that something that Utah telemarketers ask? Perhaps only 4 of the 6 wives in a household there are allowed to answer the husband's phone calls.
05.13.03 - 02:05 PM / 6Aaron Schutzengel said:
Beautiful.
05.13.03 - 02:16 PM / 7joy said:
Wow! You reeaally love him don't you.
05.13.03 - 02:27 PM / 8arrancia said:
aw yeah.
of course, it's irritating that you can't have a name anymore. i mean, it must be really irritating to keep signing your name, "jon's wife" on everything.
next time, tell her you don't let HIM answer the phone.
05.13.03 - 02:49 PM / 9jsn said:
Very nice!
05.13.03 - 02:54 PM / 10Janna said:
Go, Dooce. Props for giving her the split second of the benefit of the doubt; it was much more than she deverved for such a question.
(Oh, Dooce, I am such an incurable AP English student-- I just style analyzed this post-- I didn't mean to, I swear!-- one day something of yours will show up on the exam, I just know it)
05.13.03 - 03:31 PM / 11louisegyrl said:
that was great!!
05.13.03 - 03:52 PM / 12lola said:
*contented sigh*
thanks for reminding me why i check your site every single day to see if there's a new dooceism. you can tell a story like nobody else on earth. i love eet.
05.13.03 - 03:55 PM / 13Jay said:
"Honey, some lady on the phone today called me a cunt!"
"Well, Dear, that's what goes along with being allowed to be a cunt. Remember that talk we had about new responsibilities?"
05.13.03 - 03:55 PM / 14chorizo said:
such a potty mouth! (snicker)
that girl will never approach a call the same again...
05.13.03 - 03:58 PM / 15Melissa said:
I am in awe of your ability to tell a story and turn a phrase, and at the same time left feeling entirely inadequate by your wit.
Amazing.
Melissa
05.13.03 - 04:01 PM / 16April said:
It is SO truly gratifying to read the love between you two between the lines. I hope your happy ending lasts forever and ever, through parenthood and grandparenthood... Oh, and may you never get rude telemarketing calls again.
05.13.03 - 04:05 PM / 17lorelei said:
I love that Jon's wife is able to downgrade that telemarketer because they have it too easy. I mean all that telemarketer's do all day is take crap lines like that from people. I'm glad that Jon's wife could rebuke her royally for a question that she's being paid to ask. Wow, sheer brilliance.
05.13.03 - 04:16 PM / 18ChibaCity said:
Southern? It's the Yoknapatawpha gene that gives the ability to spin yarn, and Miss H. surely does have it. 'As if every word were a pocket into which a thousand meanings can be put': it's amazing how much there is packed into that phrase “Well, does he allow you to answer his phone calls?”. I'd say that's one lucky telemarketer. To be alive, and such. Mmmhmmm.
05.13.03 - 04:26 PM / 19ChibaCity said:
Ugh! Spin *a* yarn! Stop laughing! You know what I meant!
05.13.03 - 04:31 PM / 20Zorbs said:
3 words: RUN ON SENTENCE!!!!!
05.13.03 - 04:32 PM / 21kym said:
I am never disappointed when I visit your site and see that you've updated. You have a remarkable way with words.
05.13.03 - 04:35 PM / 22Aaron said:
...or that he has the most beautiful hands, perfectly aged and rough from working every day of his life and that there is nothing more satisfying in this life than to look down and see those hands gripping my waist...
You've written about this man of yours many a time, but this is the first time I've actually been able to empathize about your feelings for him. You're right. Those moments when you look at someone and think "they are so incredible. and what is this? they reach for me?" can never be dupliccated.
05.13.03 - 04:47 PM / 23Malisa said:
Awesome!
05.13.03 - 04:51 PM / 24Zandria said:
YES!! That is so great. I usually hang up the phone immediately when I hear a voice that is obviously a telemarketers', but it is my desire to make their lives a living hell. If they can take a job that fills so many people's lives with annoyance, then they deserve whatever comes their way. What kind of person willingly takes that kind of job anyway?
05.13.03 - 05:26 PM / 25beth said:
i am crying that was so funny. thank you.
05.13.03 - 05:39 PM / 26Broch said:
I. have. to. pee.
05.13.03 - 06:12 PM / 27anarchocyclist said:
Who is this Nobdoy, and what does his business have to do with weed whacking?
05.13.03 - 06:24 PM / 28michele said:
That was classic! My no. 1 pet peeve is a telemarketer.
As soon as I got married, it was like a million of them suddenly had our number! It must be some sort of rite of passage.
**sigh** I love the way you love Jon. So romantic and REAL! Chuck is one lucky pup to have parents like that!
05.13.03 - 06:35 PM / 29Summer said:
Dear God. That is so very offensive. On her part, not yours. Well said.
05.13.03 - 06:44 PM / 30