Go forth and multiply
When my sister was pregnant for the fourth time she gave my mother a frame with places for five pictures as a christmas gift. I was standing directly next to my mother when she opened it, and I noticed before she did that the first three mats in the frame corresponded to my sister's first three children, and the other two mats indicated that two more were on their way. At first my mother thought that her oldest daughter had miscalculated the size of her own family, and as she was pointing this out the frightening reality hit her like a brick in the face, "But you don't have . . . THIS DOES NOT MEAN WHAT I THINK IT MEANS." The frame was my sister's creative way of saying that she was trying to populate the Earth by herself.
My sister's house has always been a suburban recreation of Lord of the Flies, except her version has always had a little more cannibalism. When my mother processed the fact that my sister was going to be bringing twin boys into the mix her face became a physical manifestation of The World Ending. It's not that she wasn't joyous about the prospective new additions, it's that she knew one would be hard enough. But two? TWO MORE? JUST IMAGINE THE BLOOD SPATTER.
My sister's twins are now five years old, and since their birth she has been harassing me to do my part in expanding the family. I always thought I would have three or more kids. I guess it's because I have two siblings myself, and that's the kind of family I've always wanted. But after the experience I've had with this first one, with my precious Screaming Leta, I'm not so sure I'm the type of person who could handle three kids. And that has been hard to accept. I see other mothers who have that many kids, and deep inside I am envious of them simply for the fact that they seem to be handling it even if they think they aren't handling it at all.
I am frequently asked if Jon and I plan to have any more kids, and the answer to that is long and winding:
I finally feel like I have a handle on the responsibilities of this family, like I know what I'm doing, like the role of Mother makes sense. Finally my instincts have kicked in at the right frequency, and I don't go around all day thinking what is this creature that runs through my house and why won't it stop making that noise?
Only recently have I started to have that baby itch again, have I wanted to put the shiny, bald heads of infants in my mouth. I think that's a good sign because it means I've been able to forget a little bit of the sting of those first six months and am now at a point where I would even consider going through it again. I'm the one at the neighborhood party grabbing the babies off their mothers' laps because the urge to bite their nubbly ears is too overwhelming. Wanting to eat babies is a good indication that I have healed.
But the decision to have another baby is so complicated. What if when we try it doesn't work? What if when we try I end up like my sister, pregnant with twins? Can we afford to have another child? Because now our insurance is such that we have to cover the cost of the delivery. Is our house big enough? How will I continue working and supporting my family if anything goes wrong?
Add to that my history of postpartum depression and the fact that I am now more likely to to experience it again because I did the first time around. Am I ready for that? Is Jon? Should I even risk putting him or Leta though that again? Should I risk destroying the peaceful home that I've spent the last two years building?
I don't know.
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
301. yogurtweaver said:
My tuppence worth...
I'm the eldest of 4 kids - the middle 2 are twins (the result of fertility drugs for my mum's 2nd-ary infertility) and there's 5 years between them and me and then 8 years between me and the youngest (they're all boys). I was an only child for the first 5 years of my life and was thrilled to bits with my new baby brothers. All four of us fought like cats and dogs as kids (the age gaps were a major factor - terrible teens colliding with cheeky pre-teens etc) but are very close nonetheless. I'm part-sister, part-2nd mum to my brothers and, although there've been times when I've wished I'd had a sister and/or siblings closer in age, I know that my relationship with my brothers was one of the key experiences that has made me who I am (for better and for worse! bossy? me? surely not!).
I'm neither religious or much of a fatalist but I do firmly believe that there are some things out of our direct control (e.g. pregnancy number 2 being twins etc). However, I also believe that people have a HUGE capacity to cope with (if not flourish on) the hand that life deals us. As someone who has a depression gremlin lurking in the background most of the time, I empathise with your worries about PPM, I really do. However (and it's a biggy), you've proved to yourself (and to your zillions of fans and admirers) that you've got the reserves to make it through pretty much whatever life might throw at you and, more than that, to make the very most of it (a special ability indeed).
Phew. Very long winded (and slightly self-indulgent - sorry!) way of saying that whilst decision- and change-making is scary, sometimes you've got to grab the bull (ahem) by the horns and just go for it! Whatever you decide to do (and it is, of course, nobody's decision but yours and Jon's), I hope it brings you the happiness that you deserve.
302. Nia G said:
I think also another factor which is
Are you ready for how Leta might react to another baby? Older kids generally don't take well to the arrival of younger ones because parental attention becomes diverted.
I'm not saying that's always the case, mind, and my sister was excited about her younger siblings arriving but I know of other kids who have coped less well.
It's hard to say what the chances are of it being one way or another, but I think you should also have a contingency plan of what to do if Leta becomes jealous and angry and vindictive about Baby No. 2.
This statement was brought to you Courtesy of Nia's Inner Paranoiac.
303. alizarai said:
Heather- why not try a little social healthcare, if you will. Ask each of your readers to contribute 50cents or a dollar toward your delivery. Hell, I read your site all the time, and it's way better than a magazine subscription. btw- Urs- it's a copout to say you're not having kids b/c of Heather's sister or people like her. Do you even know her sister? I doubt it. Does she have any effect on your daily life? Again, I doubt it. For whatever reason, maybe you're scared of being an inadequate parent, that's something in your psyche, not out there in the big ol' Mormon world. peace.
304. Sally said:
My husband and I waited 8 years before we finally had our daughter and then I experienced a wicked rash on my legs, arms and torso and had to go to the dermatologist, have biopsies and tests and chew my nails waiting for the results only to learn the Dr. had no f'n clue what caused the rash. Then I had postpartum depression - nothing as severe as what you went through and nothing that a 3 month prescription of Zoloft couldn't handle. Afterwards my husband said, "I don't want anymore kids - *I* don't want to go through all that again." *HE* didn't want to go through all that! We decided with our meagre blue-collar income, our tiny 3 bdrm 1970s house, one child was enough and we'd be able to afford to give her more than if we had more babies. My daughter's 8 and I still find myself wanting to bury my nose in unsuspecting babies' necks. And we've had to field the "when are you having more" question but we have little regret - my husband even jumped at the chance to have a vasectomy - okay, not jumped but meekly agreed.
305. rpgoodwin said:
Heather,
My kids are 19 months apart - my son is almost 4 and my daughter is 26 months. I want you to know that having two kids is not just twice as hard but exponentially harder, particularly if they are close together. The second pregnancy is harder on your body and your mind and you don't get to rest because you have to take care of kid #1. Same for the first two months when you don't sleep - your first child won't care if you've been up all night, she'll bounce out of bed and expect your clear-eyed attention. There's the "Am I being fair? Am I favoring one? Do they feel equally loved?" guilt. When they get a little bigger, there's the constant squabbling, and the fact that they somehow trade off so that at least one of them is requiring your attention every minute. I hope you'll forgive my presumption - I also had problems with depression, particularly during my second pregnancy, and went on Wellbutrin and am still on it. If you are not 100% sure that you want another child, wait. I know about the "baby jones" and how powerful it can be, but my honest opinion, drawing from my knowledge of you and my own experience, is that it's not the right choice for you right now.
Best of luck and thanks for sharing your life with us.
Rebecca
306. Kim Rodgers said:
Hi Heather,
I have been reading you for a while, but this is my first comment. You have already gotten a TON of comments and I guess that can only be expected. It seems like everyone has an opinion when it comes to this subject. I think the first time we got asked was at my daughter's baptism. She was 2 months old.
I have the baby fever BAD right now! There are a lot of big things to think about and weigh, but I think if we didn't have another one I would always regret it.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm in somewhat of a similar boat as you and it's always fun to commiserate with someone else!
Good luck in whatever you decide!
Kim
307. WhimsyChick said:
We're in a similar situation here. My twin boys will be eight next month. Yes, eight. When they were about four years old, I began thinking about having another ONE. But we decided to wait until they were in school. Then we waited a year until they were in school full days. Then we waited a year until I completed my degree. I finished my degree in December, and here we are wondering when we'll time it right. They went from four to eight in a blink. Adding a baby now would be like starting all over again. But at their age (and ours!) it's now or never. And I know the day will come when I will regret it if we end up with never.
308. deannie said:
I have always longed for another child and feel pretty lucky to even have the one I have.
You are asking all the right questions...Ultimately you and your husband will come to the answers in the most natural way, don't feel like you have to rush this decision. There is always tomorrow.
Best wishes,
309. parsnip said:
Someone told me that going from one child to two was like going from owning a dog to running a zoo. So, so true. I had 3 in 60 months (MADNESS) and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I couldn't believe I'd made so much fuss about having just one!
It will be hard, but not as hard as the first time. And I don't know anyone who's regretted having more than one. And Leta will (eventually) thank you for it. Otherwise, it'll just be her wiping the drool from your chin when you're in your dotage. Not to mention the fact she'll have someone to bitch about you to when she's a teenager.
Go on, just do it. You know you want to.
310. Elaine Benes said:
My daughter is an only child and is staying that way. It's an OK choice to make.
311. diane said:
Hi Heather,
Just another one of many many thoughts for you to weed through...
As a sufferer for many years from depression, and with friends who have more severe mental health issues, I understand your concerns. Additionally I grew up with a mom who suffered from depression & at times it was very hard to have a mother who locked herself in her room all day on the weekends to cry. But, I also turned out okay.
I think the depression piece is much more important than the house/insurance/money piece, because if everyone waited until life was "just so" no one would ever have children!
Finally, I grew up as an only child and I can tell you first hand that a day never went by that I didn't wish for a sibling. Someone to play games with, someone to run around outside with, someone to tell secrets to, and best of all someone to blame stuff on! My mother couldn't have anymore children, and in fact it was a small miracle that I even made it. Now that I'm an adult I've suplemented with close girl friends, but I will always wonder what it would have been like to have a brother or sister.
Ultimately, as someone else pointed out, you can only listen to your heart & Jon's and make the best decision. You are in a different place than you were before, and much wiser. But if you choose to give Leta all of your love you'll know if that was the right thing to do and everyone will understand. Or at least they should. Otherwise they can just bugger right off.
312. RandiRed said:
It is amazing how nature works. It seems to make you forget the difficult times and gives you the itch when it comes to children.
I am somewhat in the same position as you these days. My husband has been bugging me to have another baby since my first one was born. I have held off and showed him how wonderful it is to be ablle to concentrate and really explore life with one. I have been questioning if my family is complete or not. Am I just comfortable? Do I really want to go through the sleepless nights, the spit-up, the poopie diaper changes almost every hour. My problem isnt the infant stage, because I do feel I can handle that, but how do I do that with a very highly spirited toddler?
I have been thinking about this for weeks if not months and I still cant come up with an answer. Everyday I ask myself if we are ready as a family to expand or are we good just the way we are.
313. Erika said:
I'm an only child and my mother is an only child, and I'll offer this word, my mom is now taking care of my grandmother by herself. My grandmother has had cereberal degeneration since I can remember, and now it has progressed to brain atrophy. I'm a state away and can't help out as much as I want too. It's a heavy burden for my mom to bear alone. And when my parents age, I will be the only one responsible for them. I'll gladly do it, but it would be nice to have a sibling to bounce ideas off of. All that being said, my two are 4 and 1 and we are definitely done. I always wanted 3, but now the idea of being outnumbered terrifies me. ha So, anyway, whether you decide to hold off, or jump in now, I'm sure you'll be just as great the second time around. oh, and my second child . . . sooooo much quieter than my first!
314. fishonlegs said:
Dooce - tell anyone who asks you to sod off. It's nobody's business but yours and Jon's. And that's that.
315. jessica said:
i would vote adoption if postpartum depression is a significant fear in the process and if your current insurance doesn't pay for the delivery and all that anyway... plus there are so many kids out there that need parents... no fear of accidentally adopting two or eight children either :)
good luck w/ whatever you and your family decides!
316. The Queen Mama said:
What's the deal with people thinking your family size is their business? Don't you sometimes wanna smack 'em?!
Unfortunately, I think it's universal. I get it all the time from my husband's family, and we already have THREE BOYS, ages 5, 3, and 1. The last two were both born 5 weeks prematurely, and the birth of the last one sent me closer to post-partum depression than I ever cared to get. I've gotten pretty good at saying, "You mean three's not enough?" with what I hope isn't too tight a smile. Even my OB said something about "trying for a girl" in the middle of my last exam. What a great time that would have been for that odd leg tic of mine to kick in...
I have never claimed to know what I am doing in this job, and don't know if I ever will. Every day is kinda like skydiving without checking the parachute first...but I mean that in the best way possible. I love my boys, tell them so often, and try to keep the chaos and blood loss to a minimum. That's about the best I can do.
Even given the insanity of my day-to-day life, I still am sometimes completely clotheslined by my response to a newborn. Heart melts. Eyes water. Arms itch. Ovaries spew. All this, while knowing that another pregnancy is about the most ill-advised thing for my body at this point. I can't explain it, either. Nor do I know what to do with it at times. You're not alone.
317. 6degrees said:
I'm not going to bother reading the other 300+ comments to see if I am being redundant or not. I am just going to speak.
I met my wife who has two boys from her first marriage (he decided to spawn another kid behind her back, fyi) and when we got together, it was an adjustment for me, since I was never previously married, nor had kids. Things were going well for about two years, until we fell into the 1.3% group where birth control fails. Our life was turned on it's head, since we were not at all prepared for a third child financially or logistically. We just bought (or mortgaged our life away on) a house, and a second much needed car (never buy Ford/ Mercury!!). Needless to say, we were kind of in a pickle. It has been a rough road for us, and still, after 6+ years, our house is in an utter state of chaos. Our oldest is now 17, the next 12, and our daughter 6.5. Hell at it's finest. Remember that balance is a good thing, for yourself and especially your kids! We try our best to keep up, but we are still always a step behind. Perhaps we just suck at being the best parents in the world, but at least we are trying to be the best parents we can be, even if it isn't up to our own standards, since we are so buried in everything (physically, emotionally, financially). Be careful what you ask for!!!! Warning!!!
*off soap box*
318. NikkiB said:
If I've learned anything in life, it's to not live in the "what if...". I'd rather go for it and know the outcome (good, bad or otherwise) and know I listened to my heart and went after what I wanted. Listen to your heart and you can't go wrong.
Also, I have two beautiful diva-girls and my second labor when 100 times better than the first (4 hrs compared to 25+).
Good luck no matter what decision you make, as long as it comes from your heart, it won't be wrong! ;-)
319. Luv2Ballrm said:
Heather-
Wow. You sound like me when I get that baby itch and start sticking my nose in any infants neck just to get a big ole' whif of that clean baby smell.
I KNOW we should wait...and we will...unless the birth control fails...then we'll just deal with it. I figure we've got about 2 years before we can mulitpy...if all goes well.
Of course, it doesn't help my situation that we're still considered "newlyweds" and people feel like "married: check, ok, when are you having kids...." UGH...I've gotten to the point where I just say "when we're ready" Doesn't satisfy most, but I love the look it forces them to have (that look that says...she's not telling me what I want to hear but she gave me a good enough answer that I can't press her on it!)
Best wishes to you and Jon in making this decision.
320. Huts said:
There are 318 comments here and I didn't read them all. I repeat what others have said, just ignore me. As a father of 2 (and someday 3), I just have to say, it does get easier with the second because you already know what you are doing. The second will be different than the first in every aspect. Good or bad, in the end its always worth another nibble on your own newborn's baby noggin.
321. Lotorq said:
Duh.........this is a no brainer. Just become a Scientologist. Everything can be regulated by vitamins and excercise :)
322. semantique said:
My husband has been reading you for years. I only fell in love with your site recently. I have a 2.5 year old boy and laugh hysterically at your site.
I didn't suffer PPD, but I think that was mainly because I was on Zoloft throughout my pregnancy and for 11 months after. I am ready for a 2nd baby. NOW, I wonder, HEY should I get back on the magic pills so that I can pre-emptively avoid any PPD or you know...that whole faling apart crying at every freakin' thing?
Zoloft is the only SSRI pill that was tested throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding. I had no issues with being on it and found it safe.
Whatever you decide - it will be the right one :)
323. heathero said:
How funny to see this posted here. We just found out at Easter that we are pregnant with the 3rd wonderful person.
My oldest is 11.5 and our first one together is 3.5. Life deals you cards and they say god never gives us more than we can handle.
Damn wish he didn't trust us so much.
There is no easy answer and natch this is a decision that only you and Jon can decide together.
324. Ani said:
I too went through debilitating PPD after #1. It ws a struggle to redefine who I was and what I did. It took me three years to get my courage up to try for #2. And then I had a mc. And then it took me a long time to try again.
#2 is now 1 yr old. And though it is intensely more hectic, it is also double the rewards. Two rambunctious loving little men to hug and kiss. I was in such a different place mentally, physically, and emotionally with #2 that PPD was never an issue.
There is never a "right" time. And with PPD, the fact that you KNOW what to expect, can make a big difference.
Good luck with your decision, and know that some of use had it a lot better, the second time around.
325. Fruit Loop said:
You have to cover the cost of your delivery. That is crazy! You'd think they want you to reproduce seeing as though you'd have to pay extra premiums for each child!!!
326. eskimo pie said:
Maybe "I don't know" is the best place for you to be. Just sit with that for now... and keep nibbling on baby heads.
327. kimbo said:
I just want to say that I have a younger (18 months) brother. I remember, more or less, when he arrived on the scene, and I recall feeling resentful and disinterested. Those feelings never left me. Growing up we got along like oil and water, and a big portion of all my childhood stress and unhappiness derived from sibling-related problems. He was angry, difficult, demanding, and cranky, thus running my parents ragged and disgusting me. I preferred to read and play by myself, but my mother often forced me to play with him. This always ended in a fight between my brother and me and with my mother being angry at ME for not being a "better big sister."
I am 35 years old, and while my brother and I don't fight anymore, maybe it's because he lives on the other side of the country and we see each other every 2 or 3 years. We have never been close and probably never will be.
So DO NOT listen to anyone who tells you that you should have a second child for Leta. This is NOT a reason to do it -- you have no idea that these siblings will be close or even like each other and it places an unfair pressure on them to have the kind of relationship YOU imagine they should have, and not whatever develops naturally.
I think if my parents had chosen to stop with me, the overall family atmosphere would have been much more pleasant and stress-free. I was a quiet and well-behaved baby who enjoyed being alone; my brother was the complete opposite and unfortunately this created discord and strife for everyone.
328. Goooder said:
If you don't know and are unsure financially my vote is to wait. Wait until you do know one way or the other.
You have time!
329. poisondarts said:
i really can't believe you're going to read ALL of these responses. you deserve an award for that alone =)
seriously, LOOK AT THIS SUPPORT SYSTEM YOU'VE BUILT. it's phenomenal.
330. Meredith Seiverd said:
I have a 19 month old girl... a princess of terror, if you will.
Lately, I had been saying that I think the one is enough until last night I got to hold a friend's 1 month old son. Suddenly, that part of my life seemed like a piece of cake compared to now. That all those hours I spend depressed or sad... thinking that a baby was soo tough... and poof! It all seemed so easy compared with our 19 month old.
I am suddenly confident I "could" do the baby thing again. It's just the rest of my life that I worry about.
;p
331. schadenfreudette said:
all i can say about this is that if you wait until the timing is perfect, you'll never have another kid. b/c there is always one reason or another to put it off.
my girls are 14 months apart, thanks to that faulty equation breastfeeding=birth control. i know it's terrifying and overwhelming and terrifying again. but the good thing about having the 2nd one, is that the 1st one is there as a constant affirmation that you DIDN'T fuck up and that more than likely, you won't fuck up the next one either.
and to be honest, having 2 is not as hard as people make it sound. sure, it has its moments, but that's what children's nyquil is for. the other moments, when they love and dote on one another, and play with eachother, are some of the most precious seconds you'll ever experience.
it will only be "right" after the fact. best of luck to you in your decision.
332. Heather said:
Our family consists of mom, dad and two very active little boys. My husband is in the Army and consequently is gone all of the time. None of my family understands why we aren't 'Trying for a little girl'. I am outnumbered as it is and I totally understand why you wouldn't want to rock the boat that your family is in right now. Do what is best for you and yours and if you are anything like me, you can still ignore family talking just like you did when you were a teenager. Good luck!
333. prenault said:
You have to remember there are no generalities for this kind of thing-- every situation is entirely different. But, I'll still share my experience. I was 6 years old when my sister was born, and it was one of the most exciting and wonderful events of my life. Probably because of the age difference, I've never felt jealous of my sister; she's my best friend. I actually remember feeling sort of lonely as an only child, despite all the attention and despite having lots of friends.
From a parenting perspective, my sister was much easier. My mother suffered from PPD with me, and I didn't help it much by being a very difficult baby. My mom spent many nights pacing the floors with me, crying right along with my wailing. However, my sister turned out to be a different story-- she was good-natured, and slept and ate very well.
My sister and I both wish my parents would've had more kids. My mom miscarried a little boy a few years after my sister was born, and it still haunts us. I would've loved to have another sibling. Ideally, I look at families as teams-- adding another player can be a real bonus.
Good luck with whatever decision you make.
334. Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said:
My firstborn started his terrible twos at a year old. God he is so much work. He's near 13 and the terrible twos still haven't let up.
I had my second almost five years exactly after the first. (Because my hell child was going to SCHOOL!) My second boy is so sweet spirited and gentle. He skipped the terrible twos completely. They are night and day...
I had my third six years after the second because someone told my birth control pill that it had the day off. He's a mix of the two...boundless energy with an almost constant good mood. We have not reached the terrible twos yet. Please tell me I'm not jinxing myself.
Kids are like a box of chocolates...but for god's sake, don't ever give them a Forest Gump haircut.
335. Heather said:
I am not advocating for either side but selfishly I would love to have more of the lovely monthly updates if there is another Armstrong in the works!! My favorite thing about having 2 children is watching them laugh together until they can't stand up. I was terrified at first when I found out we were having number 2 but now that she is 2 and her brother is almost 5 - I love to watch them interact. It wasn't always easy when she first arrived but it seemed much easier than when I was a first time mom.
Leta will soon be old enough to work the Tivo on her own and that alone will give you an extra hour or two to sleep in!
336. babbling said:
Leta's not gonna be mad LOL. Leta is gonna be the best big sister ever! She's gonna teach the baby ABC's, and read to the baby, and introduce baby to Elmo, and have someone to talk to in the back of that bubble of a car (but Chuck might have to run behind the car on a leash if you put another car seat in the back) and just THINK! How many, many, many, many time Leta will wanna check that baby's diaper. WEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA let the breeding begin!!!!!!