If They Only Knew . . .
What a badass motherfucker they were unleashing on an unsuspecting world.
You gotta love unpacking old boxes full of pictures you thought you'd burned years ago, only to find gems like this one which, if I ever ran for office, could be used against me to prove what a poseur I really am.
I wore those Adidas trainers to commencement activities as a final FUCK YOU to the BYU administration who wanted me to wear white pumps and flesh tone pantyhose in a show of reverence toward the occasion. Could I have been more ferocious? I just thought that if given a choice, God would totally choose the Adidas over pantyhose, and who am I to question God's will?
I must have made some sort of lasting impression because they refused to send me my diploma on grounds that I had two outstanding parking tickets. I couldn't have cared less about the actual piece of paper, and I thought that if I didn't have the physical diploma no one could ever prove I had actually gone to BYU. That way I could go on forever pretending that I had never attended college, which in the grand scheme of things would have gotten me as far as earning a degree from BYU anyway.
But BYU, not unlike the Mormon Church itself, is persistent and will find you no matter where you hide. After months of sending warnings to my old address they began sending my very Republican and very old-fashioned father notices that they were going to send a collection agency after his daughter if she didn't get in touch and pay those two tickets. If there ever were two words in the English language that could set my father ON FIRE, it's collection and agency (followed closely by Bill and Clinton, but that's another story, one that features me saying, "I would have lied about it, too," and my father disowning me for the first of several times).
Needless to say I paid those two tickets, for a whopping total of $20. They sent the diploma to my father who had it professionally framed, and I found it at the bottom of a box this morning where it shall stay FOREVER.
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FM Living
w said:
very charming, dooce. for my college graduation the girls (that would be me) had to wear white dresses and the guys had to wear tuxedos. we looked like a bunch of brides and grooms, i.e. ridiculous.
05.28.03 - 02:39 PM / 1antisocial diva said:
you do look like a badass motherfucker! now i'm nostalgic and wanna find my diploma. luckily, though, i refused to go to graduation. i think it was some principle that i wouldn't take part in what the masses were taking part in which, without a doubt, paved the way for my current antisocial lifestyle.
05.28.03 - 02:41 PM / 2feveredego said:
Aren't
Dooce's
Illin'
Didas
Allda
Shizzle!
05.28.03 - 02:45 PM / 3Erica said:
So that's where "big pimpin'" came from.
05.28.03 - 02:46 PM / 4Chris said:
Is it really true that you can be a female and graduate BYU without being married? :)
05.28.03 - 02:48 PM / 5Kyle said:
And then there's those of us that didn't learn what a waste of time a B.Sc. is the first time around, and go back for a second.
*looks at diplomas on wall, shakes head*
I'm wearing adidas almost exactly like those *right now*.
05.28.03 - 02:50 PM / 6eddeaux said:
Well, I am a 6'5" grown man and I graduated from Texas Womans University- when I look at my diploma- it looks like a twisted joke- yes, in 1990 this all girl school went CO-ED-I thought that ED part was me- apparently I am just special Ed.
The look with the Addidas is like fresh money ready to be spent.
05.28.03 - 03:01 PM / 7boomer said:
some of us just wish we could stop working long enough to graduate from college... ;) Run DMC would be proud.
05.28.03 - 03:29 PM / 8Wimbledon Wannabee said:
Box #637 = finished.
Only 914 little "treasure troves" to go!
Was there anything written on the outside of this particular box? Perhaps: "Hairdryers & bedsheets"? Ever open a labeled box and say to yourself: "Was I on drugs when I wrote that label"?!? Been there. Done that.
How is the pile doing? Do the neighbors still think you might be "Louise-y" reincarnated?
05.28.03 - 03:37 PM / 9Wimbledon Wannabee said:
Correction: It wasn't Louise-y (wrong TV show). It was 'Lizabeth. (I think)
05.28.03 - 03:39 PM / 10EC said:
College? I don' need no stinkin' college.
05.28.03 - 03:39 PM / 11matt said:
if only all my pictures looked so elegant.
05.28.03 - 03:49 PM / 12certified said:
I'm that guy who walked through graduation, but a year and a half later has not received his diploma for what reason again? Oh yeah, I still have to take ONE fucking class.
05.28.03 - 04:05 PM / 13Xanthan said:
For years, I hung the my MBA diploma over the toilet... but only because I couldn't figure out how to permanently adhere it to the bottom of the bowl in a fashion where it wouldn't deteriorate.
05.28.03 - 04:16 PM / 14zchamu said:
My god, you make me laugh, Dooce. "badass motherfucker"..heeee. Thanks!
05.28.03 - 04:17 PM / 15Carla Beth said:
Okay, people, I'm thirty-two freakin years old AND guess what? I'm doing the cap and gown thing two weeks from Saturday. It was sex, drugs and rock-n-roll in my twenties, and now it's masturbation, chocolate and Kenny G. God how I HATE black satin. God how I hate FAUX black satin even more. But I am doing the sexy girl thing, because I never do the sexy girl thing. This B.S. is wearing four-inch stilletos to graduation. Faux snakeskin purchased for $7 at a yard sale. And in this hot weather I'm wearing nothing under the stupid gown except for Wonder Woman Underoos, if I can schlep some off of eBay in my size. (Remember those?!) Another whammy ... my senior fucking thesis is due MONDAY. This Monday. And I haven't started. Anyway, I'm so glad I'm finally graduating. I've always wanted to be a waitress.
05.28.03 - 04:35 PM / 16julia said:
i got my first two college parking tickets (after fucking 3 years and 6 months of parking illegally and faking permits) in the last few weeks before graduation. i seriously would not have paid them (mostly due to losing them, partly due to my youthful badassmotherfuckerness) if the same damn letter hadn't been sent to my parents. my dad pulled the "i'm disappointed that you're so irresponsible" act.
oh okay, i never really had any youthful badassmotherfuckerness in me. i just lost the tickets.
05.28.03 - 04:36 PM / 17Broch said:
I just wish a few of their missionaries would approach me once. My wife left me for a mormon, and I am none too fond.
05.28.03 - 04:43 PM / 18Kevynn Malone said:
Burn it and send the ashes to them...
05.28.03 - 05:34 PM / 19Melissa said:
I will never get my college diploma because of gym.
Unfortunately I am not kidding.
I also don't have those cool shoes.
05.28.03 - 05:40 PM / 20Ana said:
oh my...nice hairdo though...
05.28.03 - 06:04 PM / 21Dr_Funk said:
Whoa. Its like Reservoir Dogs goes to college....
05.28.03 - 06:09 PM / 22melissa said:
Two tickets=$20 at BYU? Wow... At my beloved alma mater, tickets started at $55 and went up from there. How do I know? Because I got more than a dozen of them (hello...if I'm on campus practicing and studying until 1 a.m. I'm not walking home by myself in the dark).
I knew the whole "higher education" thing had gone badly when my mother quoted me as saying "There's no way those last two tickets are mine. I haven't been to class in weeks."
05.28.03 - 07:04 PM / 23the mighty jimbo said:
your future's so bright...
05.28.03 - 07:29 PM / 24Adam said:
Well, damn. Looks like I have something to look forward to... time to plan my rebellious act.
05.28.03 - 07:40 PM / 25Carla Beth said:
Holy smokestacks! Sorry for another Carla Beth moment, but I found authentic Wonder Woman Underoos on eBay! Never opened! A girl's size large, which might fit me! Sadly, they've been bidded up from $4.99 to $137 with the clock still ticking. But still ... my first look at my childhood since the 70s!
05.28.03 - 07:50 PM / 26kate said:
absolutely stellar post. byu sounds like quite an adversary.
05.28.03 - 07:53 PM / 27alex kidd said:
you think that's funny, listen to this. i wore a pair of... oh wait, i never graduated. fucking lsd.
05.28.03 - 07:54 PM / 28Naaman said:
For-eh-ver
05.28.03 - 10:17 PM / 29Seany said:
Bad to the motherfucking bone.
05.29.03 - 03:15 AM / 30