As evidenced by video!!
It is common practice in our house to let Chuck lick our food plates once we are finished with our meals. He likes to pretend that he doesn't notice that I'm preparing dinner, will come up next to my legs and slowly press his body into my shins while I'm standing at the stove as if to say, "Excuse me, but did you realize that I'm not even paying attention to the fact that there is a pound of ground beef cooking in its own fat a foot above my head? Look how calmly I am ignoring it."
We use mealtimes as a way for him to practice his patience as well, because he's not allowed to lick a single drop of leftover food until he has performed a series of tasks, usually a "sit," a "roll-over," and a very long, exaggerated "wait." A few months ago I posted a video of Chuck trying to roll-over before being rewarded with the pot I use to cook spaghetti sauce, and since that video he has become so anxious about the reward that he will automatically and uncontrollably start rolling over -- and over and over -- when I reach up into the cabinet and pull out a plate, like a furry, floppy-eared steamroller.
Last week I got a pretty disgusted email concerning this when I mentioned that Jon put his clogs in the dishwasher, and that I thought it was gross:
You let your dog LICK THE LEFTOVERS OFF YOUR PLATES AND POTS AND PANS. EEEEUUUUUWWWWWW!!!!!!! As evidenced by video!! The same dog you openly share who has eaten your child’s shit off the floor. I can only hope and THEN assume that you then also run said dishes through the dishwasher. That is far more disgusting then [sic] Jon washing his clogs in the dishwasher.
My first response to this email is: somewhere a sad document is crying because this person's email stole all its exclamation points. My second response is: after Chuck has eaten shit you can THEN assume that he's not allowed to lick our plates because I'm busy using his tongue to floss between my teeth. Give me some credit.
And can I just take a moment to say how thankful I am that most of my readers are supportive and non-moronic? That when I posted about Jon washing his clogs in the dishwasher, most of the email I got was moderate and thoughtful in its use of punctuation, that only a handful of them accused me of being an opportunistic whore for complaining about a stupid little sore on my arm when so many other people are going through much bigger and more meaningful problems. My only response to those emails is: do you really have nothing better to do in your life than write a complete stranger to tell her that her cancer isn't serious enough? Really? Because my toilet needs to be cleaned, and I volunteer you.
Thank you, majority of my readers, for letting me have my moment of freak-out last week.
Recently Chuck has been licking our plates across the floor, often from one room into another. I once gave him my plate after I had eaten a burrito, and when the melted cheese wouldn't come off he licked the plate from the dining room through the kitchen, around the corner into the hallway all the way under the door into our bedroom. Jon stubbed his toe on the plate that night as we were getting ready for bed, and when he asked why there was a dinner plate on the floor in our bedroom I said, "YOU try licking hardened melted cheese off a surface without using your hands and see which room you end up in."
The other night we had a frozen lasagna, and afterward we let Chuck lick the cardboard tray it was cooked in. He was so determined to eat the cooked sauce that was stuck to its sides that he licked the tray underneath the dining room table, through the legs of a chair, underneath the piano bench, and then back through the legs of another chair. The dog is serious about his crumbs.
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FM Living
Pioneer Woman said:
It's against my religion to use more than one exclamation point in any one sentence. Or paragraph. Or story. Or email. Or post.
07.18.06 - 09:35 AM / 1sarahekite said:
Aw, what a great video! (See, only 1 exclamation point, this time).
07.18.06 - 09:35 AM / 2drewalter said:
Chucky man is a hungry dog!
07.18.06 - 09:35 AM / 3east side girl said:
I just got a puppy, and even though she's just a baby, she's learned to stand up against me in the kitchen while I cook, waiting for scaps of food to fall. Last week, she got a piece of fennel. And some chicken. And some goat cheese.
I'm a messy cook.
I read your post last week about the cancer. That is shocking and scary for sure, and my thoughts are with you.
07.18.06 - 09:37 AM / 4Chantel said:
They're sooooo - going to turn you into the PETA people. Then Pamela Anderson will stand naked outside your door.
You know that's not a bad idea-you can piss off the Mormons and PETA at the same time!
07.18.06 - 09:39 AM / 5kate folsom said:
You know, I was thinking of writing to you and telling you that your cancer is stupid and I could kick its ass. There are people RIGHT NOW whose cancer is, like, 100 times the size of yours and these people also have scurvy and are on fire, and you're whining about some itty bitty widdle cancer? On your arm? Plenty of people live without arms! Me, I have no limbs whatsoever and you will NEVER HEAR ME COMPLAIN.
07.18.06 - 09:39 AM / 6DravenStele said:
Pleeeeeeeeeeease use some of the other, lonely, unused, and 'underprivileged' punctuation, people; they need your help and sympathy... "\][}{+-)(*&,
Thank you for your attention. We will return you to your regularly scheduled leftover-licking.
(No exclamation points were hurt in the making of this comment. But that's only because they behaved themselves.)
07.18.06 - 09:39 AM / 7KellyC said:
That's how my dog "almost" rolls over too.
Oh, and she licks off our plates when we're finished too.
07.18.06 - 09:42 AM / 8jonsagara said:
Nice. We normally don't let Homer lick the plates, but this July 4th we decided to let him lick the Cool Whip lids after dessert. Notice the wide eyes:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/jonsagara/187066909/in/set-72157594195262901/
07.18.06 - 09:43 AM / 9Valerie said:
Cute dog. But, I couldn't stop looking at the floors. I have floor envy.
Thank you, Heather, for being brave enough to share the sucker-punches that life has thrown at you.
07.18.06 - 09:44 AM / 10Jeni said:
Just know that the majority of your readers get you and your sense of humor, and you are allowed to freak out when the word "cancer" is introduced!
07.18.06 - 09:44 AM / 11Wendy Mac said:
Some people have no life!!!! They must send hate-filled, anonymous letters to feel better about themselves!!! And to waste punctuation!!! And poor grammar!!! I can't take it!!!
Heather, I am so sorry people are such jerks.
In other news, your dog is hilarious. After reading your posts about training Chuck, we have finally hired The World's Best Dog Trainer. Well, at least, The Best In Our County.
The dogs are upset at no longer being in control of the household, but man, when I tell them to sit-stay before getting to eat, you better believe they do it!
Hope you are feeling well, you guys have been in my thoughts and prayers.
07.18.06 - 09:45 AM / 12jw said:
I was really tempted to make a smart-ass remark but I can never top Heather. She is the best. So, I'm going to do something quite uncharacteristic. I'm going to be serious for a moment.
"Biopsy" is the scariest word in the world. To even THINK you have to have a biopsy is scary.
There is no such thing as a little cancer. ESPECIALLY when it's happening to you. You can hold your friends' hands, and you can sit outside the operating room with family, but when it's YOU it takes on a whole other meaning.
Different people deal with it in different ways. Here is one way --> http://radio.weblogs.com/0128341/categories/whatSUpWithJinni/
You deal with this not-so-small-cancer anyway that suits you Heather. You have people pulling for you, praying for you, holding you in the Light, dancing naked around some idol or something. Just get THROUGH it.
I don't use !, I CAPITALIZE.
07.18.06 - 09:46 AM / 13PaintingChef said:
That is FANTASTIC! My dog, Belle, does the same thing when I'm cooking. And if I have to get something out of the oven, she does not move from in front of the oven. Oh no. She just slowly flattens herself onto the floor underneath the door to the oven while its open. They're such fun, aren't they? And they work so hard for those leftover dishes.
07.18.06 - 09:47 AM / 14dancingnancy said:
That video is awesome! My dog is SOOOO jealous!
Since when is ANY KIND of cancer not serious? It may not be as life threatening as others, but come on! You can freak out whenever you want Heather, I don't believe you need to ask for permission either.
And one more thing....which is worse, huh? Your husband putting his clogs in the dishwasher, or my husband putting his sweaty hat in? I know MANY people who commit these crimes all the time, so I deem both disgustingly normal.....
07.18.06 - 09:48 AM / 15Elaine said:
You mean there are people who don't let their dog lick their plates? We just don't let Fred the Wonder Corgi have any cheese, because it does things to his digestion which aren't pretty.
Cancer is scary and serious (and scary) no matter how small. Don't listen to morons who say it isn't.
07.18.06 - 09:50 AM / 16Kiki said:
We do the same thing at our house. My parent's dog, Gus, is atune to the scraping of silverware against the plate or bowl and will sit patiently under the dining room table for his little treat. He, too, tends to push plates and bowls down the hall or into furniture. And we, too, put the plates in the dishwasher afterwards. Seriously, do people think you just set them back in the cupboard with a clear film of dog slobber? Come on!
07.18.06 - 09:52 AM / 17Carolyn said:
We are a plate licking household (2 dogs = taking turns) and I hope Chuck never discovers the concept of traction. Mine have figured out the spots in the house where they can get a better "grip", and it's not so much fun for us.
And I'm just wondering, if cancer, no matter what size, is not worthy of a huge m-f'ing freakout, then what is? My english grandmother always said of these people that "if you've been shipwrecked, they've been drowned". And of course, they are a**holes (my words, not hers).
07.18.06 - 09:52 AM / 18amandarin said:
Heather, this post contains what may actually be the greatest sentence ever:
Jon stubbed his toe on the plate that night as we were getting ready for bed, and when he asked why there was a dinner plate on the floor in our bedroom I said, “YOU try licking hardened melted cheese off a surface without using your hands and see which room you end up in.â€
I laughed so hard when I read it that everyone in my office thought I was having some kind of fit.
07.18.06 - 09:53 AM / 19liznboys said:
First, my husband and I have always felt that our dogs' mouths were much cleaner than most people, and we'd rather share our plates with our dogs, than complete strangers. Our sons will share lollipops with the dog, I tell them not to do this, but it isn't the grossest thing they've done, by far.
Secondly, Chuck hasn't figured out the trick to stop the plate, yet? Our dog puts her paw on the plate to keep it from scooting. Granted, she is the LAZIEST dog on the face of the earth and will find any means possible to not move.
Thirdly, (and most important) I hope all goes very well with your cancer...I fear that cancer, after all the time I spent in the sun as a teenager. My goal is to get checked out by a dermatologist, before the year is out. Good luck! (just had to sneak in an exclamation point somewhere)
07.18.06 - 09:54 AM / 20Sandra said:
I'm not a dog person, but I'd dogsit The Excellent Chuck! He's fabulous.
And to anyone who said that cancer wasn't, oh, the worst thing ever: find a short pier and take a long walk.
07.18.06 - 09:54 AM / 21M@ said:
perhaps there's a way to harness that force in order to mop? Sparkly floors all around! *( I used to toss a toy under the bed in order to get my dog to inadvertantly remove dust bunnies...)
I know many people expressed sympathy and shared their stories too. Any cancer is the scariest thing in the world to go through and what you are feeling is absolutely valid. Many people (read; A-hole emailers among them) want to feel as though they hold the patent on misery and that no one is allowed to out do them. I often call them "Mom".
Stay on the fast track to perfect health and give Ed a whoopin'.
07.18.06 - 09:55 AM / 22Dogmom said:
My dog Belle puts her foot in the middle of the cardboard pan, plate, napkin whatever the morsel is stuck to, so it doesn't force her to bend herself into unnatural positions. But then again Belle is too smart to be a dog. The bane of my life.
07.18.06 - 09:56 AM / 23Jodie said:
I love all your Chuck stories. What kind of dog is he?
07.18.06 - 09:57 AM / 24Sue said:
Many years ago, when ice cream only came in cardboard boxes and groceries came home in paper bags, we had a lovely dog named Chippie whose duty it was to clean all the remaining ice cream from the empty cardboard container, and also to clean leftover food from our plates and crusty bits from casserole dishes. When he passed on to his reward my mother was, naturally, upset because we all missed him terribly, but a large part of the problem was what to do with the casserole dishes and the ice cream containers? Now we have two cats who prefer their treat of milk to be filtered through a few Froot Loops first, and who clean our plates thoroughly of Caesar salad dressing. Not as catholic a selection, perhaps, as Chuck, but helpful in their own way. After all, pets are just little people with fur and claws.
07.18.06 - 10:01 AM / 25Arty Steph said:
dogmom, my black lab, Mali does the same thing with the foot in the plate/dish. she is also far too intelligent for her own good, and often for my sanity.
Mali also has one of those food/treat dispensing balls that has to be rolled around a sufficient number of times before treats fall out. Mali quickly discovered that if you just repeatedly bang the stupid thing against the wall, the food comes pouring out! On top of that, it is, quite possibly the most irritating noise on the planet.
07.18.06 - 10:04 AM / 26Tammie Booth said:
The truth is, I have a pair of Crocs flip flops and when I read about Jon putting his clogs in the dishwasher, I was delighted because I had never thought of that as an option for cleaning mine. Works like a charm.
07.18.06 - 10:05 AM / 27Fuzz said:
That is EXACTLY what my Lab looks like when he "helps" us clean up after dinner. And, I can't tell you how many times my husband or I will be receiving kisses from said dog when the other says, "You know he was just totally licking his ass, right?" I'm sorry about your diagnosis last week - we'll be thinking of you and wishing you a full recovery.
07.18.06 - 10:05 AM / 28erica said:
Now I want to see a video of Chuck rolling over and over and over ike a furry floppy eared steam roller.
OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!
07.18.06 - 10:07 AM / 29Susan said:
If everyone got half as much pleasure out of life, as Chuck gets out of licking dishes, there would be no need for drugs or alcohol.
So what if Chuck likes to lick dishes, and his balless ass, eat poop and lick faces. He's the happiest damn dog I've ever seen. You crazy psycho sanitary people, leave him alone and smile.
07.18.06 - 10:07 AM / 30