Having dated walking red flags
My friend, Maggie, recently had a book published. It's called No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog, and it's filled with suggestions (oddly, 100 of them) of things you could write a blog post about. I thought that a good way to celebrate her success with this publication would be the practical application of one of her ideas. So after reading the book -- a quick 122 pages that read exactly how Maggie speaks in person, as charmingly as humorously as if describing something unpleasant (maybe bone spurs, or four-hour erections?) as judiciously as possible to the President of the United States -- I went back and picked a suggestion that I hadn't ever used before. Today's blog post is written in response to Maggie's Idea Number 32: Break It Off.
"What are your relationship deal breakers? Some folks are annoyed if a date shows up ten minutes late. Others look for something weightier, like a felony record. Have you ever rejected someone over something that seems insignificant to your friends? Or do you have selective blindness for red flags?"
Only because this suddenly made me remember a certain guy who said to me on our second date, "You mean, you like elephants, too? I THINK THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL DESTINY!"
I don't even remember his name, not a single letter of it, but I remember telling him upfront that I did not want any part of a long-term relationship. His response was along the lines of, but I already called my mother in New Jersey! And she's knitting you a sweater! I went on a third date because he was a nice a guy, and I didn't think it was fair to tell him that I didn't want to marry him over the phone, although looking back now that is exactly what I should have done because he was so upset he wrapped his arms around my neck like a giant spider that wanted to eat my face off. For those of you who don't know, that is not the most successful way to say to a woman, hey, wait, aren't you being a little hasty?
I also dated a guy who said he couldn't bring himself to sleep with women who had big butts. I didn't take that stipulation very seriously because an ass is not a physical characteristic that I will ever possess, much like boobs or manageable hair. It wasn't until I realized that his aversion to butts was just Chapter One in his memoir The Innumerable Ways I am Out of My Fucking Mind, and by Chapter Four: I Cannot Bring Myself to Sleep With Women Who Have Vaginas, I knew that I had stumbled into the wrong section of the library, if you know what I'm saying.
There was the guy who was perfect in many ways, loved the right music, voted for the right person, said the most wonderful things when I most needed to hear them, and (and!) he was an amazing kisser. It was just all the stuff that happened after the kissing that made the relationship more and more difficult to rationalize, and here is where I experience a lot of hand-wringing for all my Mormon girlfriends who got married without ever having slept with their men. It's admirable, very admirable to enter into the covenant of marriage as a virgin, but what if smack dab in the middle of that first-night passion he starts quoting Al Pacino in Scarface? Or starts yodeling? Or says, "Do you mind if I turn on some Yanni?" IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN. This is indispensable research you have to conduct, or else you're going to spend the rest of your life faking headaches.
And finally, the very good-looking blonde, athletic type who could fix things. He was the first guy I ever dated who could change a tire, and he was always offering to take care of the broken things around my apartment. When that sort of expertise comes into your life it feels like you're seeing a blue sky for the first time. Like, you mean I don't have to live with a shower door that won't close? I HAVE NEVER KNOWN SUCH BEAUTY. But then I had to go and ruin everything by asking him to open his mouth and form a complete sentence, by asking the very difficult, complex question of what he thought about homosexuality. He shrugged and said, "Homosexuals are stupid." Which, let's give him credit, is as educated and informed of an opinion as that of an eight-year-old in a coma.
What are your deal breakers?
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MelissaJ said:
Wow I don't think I've had any nearly as bad as that.
Deal breaker for me is someone who treats wait staff badly.
09.15.06 - 05:34 AM / 1Susie said:
I know this is shallow, but here it is: I just couldn't have a relationship with a man who wears a gold chain.
Other than that, the major deal breaker is obvious: Republicanism.
09.15.06 - 05:34 AM / 2AprilD said:
I refuse to date men with back hair! Any sight of back hair and I'm out the door!
09.15.06 - 05:34 AM / 3Jill said:
The worst I remember from my single days was a guy I dated briefly who was a REALLY bad kisser. During the kissing process, he attempted to get the entire lower half of my face into his mouth. After a couple of minutes of making out he had eaten all the make-up off my face, and left me dripping with slobber. Eew.
09.15.06 - 05:37 AM / 4MulattaPreta said:
lets see: men who use 'keeping it real' in their day 2 day bullshit speech. men who have long nails. it sounds insane, but u'd b AMAZED at the number of men u'll see on the subway with long nails, painted clear. i just want 2 scream - YOU ARE NOT A VAMPIRE!
oh. and gold teeth. absolutely not.
09.15.06 - 05:39 AM / 5kth201 said:
I agree with Susie about gold chains. Usually gold chains come with unbuttoned-to-there polyester shirts and a lot of ego. No thanks.
Smoking is my deal breaker. One whiff and I'm done.
09.15.06 - 05:39 AM / 6jozet said:
Completely irrational, but if a guy was wearing a necklace of any sort, at some point I'd have to politely excuse myself from the date, usually by pouring a dish of salsa on my skirt. I don't know why (i.e. never discussed it in therapy) but men + man jewelry = 0 points.
I also knew that I wanted to have kids at some point - some how, some way, even a la Raising Arizona - and that was a non-negotiable.
I had thought that a commonality of musical taste was important, but five years into our marriage, my husband admitted that he didn't much like The Who and although it came as a shocker, with intense marriage therapy and a few nookie sessions while listening to "Tommy", we've gotten beyond this glitch.
09.15.06 - 05:40 AM / 7EverydaySuperGoddess said:
I used to say that I would never date any man who weighs less than me and/or spends more time on his hair than I do.
But through unfortunate experience, I have refined that list to include alcoholics, republicans, and guys who have stuffed animals in their bedrooms.
09.15.06 - 05:40 AM / 8Heidi Kostrey said:
My deal breaker is when they smell like an old stale fart masked in cologne.
09.15.06 - 05:41 AM / 9Wendell77 said:
Hmmm, so many possible dealbreakers. On a blind date a guy said to me about my music degree, "So, you actually take classes about music?" Also passive-aggressive behavior is a huge turn off. One man I dated (for far too long) was 45 minutes late to a date, and announced upon his arrival, "Hurry up, we're late!"
09.15.06 - 05:41 AM / 10Ktkat said:
For me it's anybody who sees something bad happen to an animal and says "It's JUST an animal." No compassion doesn't fly with me.
Also, someone with really bad manners and/or grammar. That makes me nuts.
Republicans and/or conservatives are a DEFINITE no-go.
And lastly, really hairy guys just don't do it for me. Nor does facial hair. Tho, as I've gotten older, I do like the goatee quite a lot... and my hubby IS rather hairy.
Guess some of those deal breakers go away when you find your soulmate!
09.15.06 - 05:41 AM / 11Heather Barmore said:
Men who don't understand what the word "moderate" means and I once dated a guy (actually boy) who dipped his fries in Mayo and we weren't in Europe. Oh and this same 'boy' also thought my best friend was hot and told me so, multiple times. Awesome.
09.15.06 - 05:42 AM / 12deeryluv said:
I personally love a man with gold chains and an open shirt -- sexy as shit. Especially if he's swarthy in any way, like Vincent Gallo. Or wearing clogs. Yum.
By my deal breaker is finding out he works in (gasp) retail. Retail? Is that really the best you can do?
09.15.06 - 05:44 AM / 13Ktkat said:
OH... and I completely agree with kth201. Smoking is a huge deal breaker. No question, no argument, no exceptions.
09.15.06 - 05:44 AM / 14TuesdayGirl said:
Bad hands.
I once dated a guy with small fat hands, I thought to myself, I could NEVER mary those hands. So I broke it off.
Oh, that and he had a terrible Staten Island accent.
Those two things combined are a potent coctail.
09.15.06 - 05:45 AM / 15flytrixie said:
Republicans. Visible tattoos or piercings. Permanently tethered to their i-pods, crackberries, or laptops. Dog haters. Politicians. Wears jewelry other than a watch. Bad hygiene. Non-readers. Lacking an excellent sense of humor.
Yep, I'm demanding, and I deserve to be.
09.15.06 - 05:45 AM / 16Melissa said:
If I could take him down in a wrestling match, if he cries more than I do, if he hates sports, if he doesn't drink, if he does drugs, if he can’t wait to plan a wedding, if he doesn’t like animals, if he does yoga, if he gets manicures or considers himself a “metrosexual,†if he still thinks keg stands are cool, if he answers every single question with a one word response, if he cares more about making money than loving his job, if he rolls his eyes when I cry, if he constantly tells me, or tells his friends in front of me, what girls he would “do,†if he worries about his body fat percentage rising above some set number, I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH HIM.
He must not be a Jesus freak, a Buddhist, a Mormon, etc. I do not like religion; I don’t care how “earthy†or “spiritual†or “enlightening†his religion is, I will not like it. I know this sounds horrible, but, why bother pretending to care? I don’t.
09.15.06 - 05:45 AM / 17serena burrows said:
I once dated a guy for over a year and I NEVER saw his feet. He always had socks on. We live in Florida, there is hardly ever a reason to wear socks at all!
09.15.06 - 05:46 AM / 18Jeff Simmermon said:
Whenever I hear a lady say "You know, I don't have many female friends -- women are such BITCHES," that's a red flag thwacking me between the eyes. If it's presented around "I hate my mother/father/parents," check, please. Learned that the hard way ...
09.15.06 - 05:47 AM / 19kth201 said:
serena burrows, it sounds like your guy had some weird feet issues.
One more thing: guys who LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk about themselves, their opinion on every topic, everything they have done and how awesome it is, and why they are so cool. I guess that goes for people in general, not just guys.
09.15.06 - 05:50 AM / 20mishelliew said:
I'm in agreement with the majority, any guy with a Mr. T starter kit has no shot. Also, "tuckers" or any man who tucks their t-shirt into their jeans especially under another open shirt need to go. I think my hell would be sweaty men with gold chains running around singing the Macarena. It's amazing how the little things are deal breakers, but not things like I have two kids with different women or height insecurity.
09.15.06 - 05:50 AM / 21traca said:
Back hair, baldness, Republican, Old Spice after shave, bad teeth, too many muscles, facial piercings, weeping like a girl, small penis, and any drug use.
09.15.06 - 05:50 AM / 22kth201 said:
serena burrows, it sounds like your guy had some weird feet issues.
One more thing: guys who LOVE LOVE LOVE to talk about themselves, their opinion on every topic, everything they have done and how awesome it is, and why they are so cool. To be fair, I guess that goes for people in general, not just guys.
09.15.06 - 05:50 AM / 23Jen Mahler said:
I'm right there with many of the other post's: back hair, bad politics. Closemindedness and an inability to be fun are major dealbreakers for me. And bad teeth.
09.15.06 - 05:52 AM / 24kth201 said:
Oops! Sorry for the double post!
09.15.06 - 05:54 AM / 25wahrephoenixe said:
So - I thought I had deal breakers - and I do. Anyone with addictions, active or inactive, are off limits (it only took me two broken engagements and one shredded heart to cure me of my particular bad habit). But then I met a man whom I never would have considered dating, and fell promptly in love. NEVER write widowed conservative fathers of 5 off your list. I am now one of the happiest married women I know, with 5 step kids and a healthy controvestial political home life. Who knew?
09.15.06 - 05:54 AM / 26Jen Mahler said:
Oh and I just remembered one more: Any man who trys to move towards the bathroom door, open it, sit on the toilet to take a poo, WHILE CONTINUING TO CONVERSE WITH ME WITH THE DOOR OPEN, especially in our first week of dating, MUST go. (Yes, this happened to me.)
09.15.06 - 05:55 AM / 27kntaylor77 said:
When I think of deal breakers, I think of my sister's husband. She was an innocent little Mormon virgin when she got married, yay for her, and when they started dating, he would listen to the worst woman-hating horrible music ever in the car with her. Stuff that made me, who curses like a sailor and was NOT an innocent little Mormon virgin, want to go home and wash MY mouth out just for hearing it. She never said anything. I always thought that was a bad sign. Sure enough, on their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into pretty lingerie for her first time with him, and when she comes out, he's buck naked on the bed with his legs spread waiting for her. I bet it made her feel real special.
09.15.06 - 05:55 AM / 28thejoyof said:
My sister once broke up with a guy because his thumbs were too small. She broke up with the next guy because he wore black socks with sandals.
Deal breaker for me? Must love dogs.
09.15.06 - 05:56 AM / 29bushra said:
everything about my mister is a deal breaker, but here we are.
09.15.06 - 05:56 AM / 30