That was cute - I'm so envious of your vidio technical abilities (insert pout face here).
So can we put up nominations for the pedestrians you're going to hit with your car? Because my lawyer should totally be on that list. In fact, you can run him over twice for good measure.

“Lo que el artista hace por su pueblo es lo que el alma hace por el cuerpo.” Gabriela Mistral

Translation- What the artist does for their village is that which the soul does for the body.

Your artistry is amazing.

Best wellness wishes.

That video made my ovaries hurt. Leta is freakin' adorable.

She has a cute waddle. Kind of reminds me of Bambi.

Wait...As for the sunflower seeds/nuts controversy: is it really much more appropriate to be putting 'nuts' in your mouth?

Oh man, I could listen to Leta laughing all day long.

Depression is the biggest bitch whore I have ever known. Take good care of yourself, Heather. Leta loves her mama, and she's right.

hey dooce, been reading your page for a couple of years now but have never commented...Leta's a beautiful kid and you'll pull through this. some people are ridiculously dumb and that will never change, but at least most of your readership appears to be supportive. Best luck!

Take it from someone who has been there: keep reminding yourself it will get better. You are all very lucky to have each other. Thank you for sharing your video of Leta...she's as cute as ever!
Karen
xo

Wishing you strength through this tough time.

I'm hoping that Andrew Bird brightened your day just a little bit, I was almost jumping for joy when I read your piece and found out you've discovered him.

Honestly, he gets better every time you see him, I've seen him three times now (one was just a sound check and even that was amazing!).

His songs never sound the same, but there is always that twinge of nostalgic recognition to them that makes you feel all warm inside. He is truly a genius.

I've always found that music soothes my soul, hope it brings you some comfort as well.

So kind of you to share Leta with us, so brave to share yourself. You have more support from out here than you could ever know.

Wishing you strength through this tough time.

I'm hoping that Andrew Bird brightened your day just a little bit, I was almost jumping for joy when I read your piece and found out you've discovered him.

Honestly, he gets better every time you see him, I've seen him three times now (one was just a sound check and even that was amazing!).

His songs never sound the same, but there is always that twinge of nostalgic recognition to them that makes you feel all warm inside. He is truly a genius.

I've always found that music soothes my soul, hope it brings you some comfort as well.

ok...i guess i have yet to master the commenting-ness, sorry for doubles.

Heather Armstrong is a fantastic and talented writer. Heather Armstrong makes me laugh. Heather Armstrong is my personal role model. I love Heather Armstrong, and I don't even know her!

This is my first time commenting on your blog, but I've been reading it for a few months now. I guess I just want to second what everyone else has been saying about how much we hope you feel better soon. I've gone through two serious times of deep depression and anxiety. The first happened during my first semester of college and lasted 4 months and then, horribly, it happened again during my first semester as a teacher and lasted again for 4 months. My depression was caused by extreme stress. I like to be in control and it occured when I couldn't have felt more out of control with what was going on around me. I believe the depression would have lasted longer if I hadn't made very big changes. It doesn't really work for me to say, "I understand how you feel," because I didn't really like it when people said that to me, but I guess I just really want you to know that I sympathize.

Where have I been that in the nearly 25 years I've lived in Utah I've NEVER heard anyone, Mormon or other, say sunflower nuts. Quite assumptive, indeed.

Otherwise, love the site and wish you improved health.

BrD

Funny how a running toddler going to hug her mommy makes me cry. Mine is almost 26 months and watching Leta grow almost parallel to my girl has been a real joy. I know you have been through so much lately; but it is just so good to see your family coming together for you and holding you up, as families should do. Thanks for the cheesey music, by the way.

Funny how a running toddler going to hug her mommy makes me cry. Mine is almost 26 months and watching Leta grow almost parallel to my girl has been a real joy. I know you have been through so much lately; but it is just so good to see your family coming together for you and holding you up, as families should do. Thanks for the cheesey music, by the way.

Thanks for sharing this video. I've been having a rough day with my 'little heathen' (18 month old) here in my 39th week of pregnancy. The video helped remind me I need to step back and enjoy the good stuff a little more...

Just as soon as I get rid of those poopy pants..

Here's hoping you someday find that beautiful inner core of Heather-ness that you've become disconnected from, the one that matches the outer-Heather that writes such achingly heartwrenching yet at the same time gut-splittingly hilarious posts about Life that everybody in this room can relate to. You've got us in the palm of your hand. I hope you find one day what to do with it.

(sigh)

And then tell us.

That is a beautiful video! Thanks for sharing.

You are a blessing to many people, and you are loved. Don't forget it!

I watched this with my 2 1/2 year old daughter on my lap and we couldn't get enough!! Every time it ended she said. "Again, again." Very sweet!

I have so been through this and wish you clarity and people around you who get it. This will pass.

Dear Dooce,

While I haven't sent you an email, I will simply support you by visiting, reading and laughing at your words. They are truly awesome, and I hope one day, I will be able to at least replicate a percentage of the comedy value.

Thanks
Jason

Heather, you lighten our days with your stories and pictures.

Just know that there's lots of us out here, all of us standing together to hold you up on the days you can't do it alone.

That's our job -- that's what friends do.

(count me in the list of those who've dragged depression around...the sun will come up -- really.)

OMG, she *runs* now. Awesome.

As for jumping off your roof... Heather, I've seen pictures (remember that one of you in front of the garage and the camera people told you to wear that sassy snappy white shirt). You're tall. I thinking jumping off your roof would be like you hopping place, wouldn't it?

thanks for sharing all you do, and please continue to share. Your creativity is beautiful, and I'm awed by the love you show for your family. It's obvious that they love you back just as much. I hope to someday have a family like yours.

I enjoy looking at your beautiful photography. I am envious of your talent for that and your writing. I wish you a speedy recovery.

I too suffer from depression. I'm lucky and have been really good for a couple of years now. I still have to be careful. Some days I yell. Some days I cry. Some days I wish I was my friend who's alcoholic man whore of a husband just left and now she gets to start over. Things are looking pretty low when that sounds like an attractive life situation.

I have an unbelievable husband who works from home and 2 amazing children. Some days I'm crazy but most days I'm really well. I know this is how it will always be for me. Every episode brings new insight and growth. Every episode gets better now. Now, I love my life with all it's madness, not in spite of it.

I'm wishing you betterness.
Thanks for bringing me belly laughs. Thanks for bringing me tears. Thanks for bringing me perspective.

xox
jill.

Will you think I'm a total loser if I tell you that I thought about you and your family A LOT this weekend? I worried about you like I've known you for years, and of course I don't and haven't. I just know what you write for all of us and how much it affects me.

I'm also so unbelievably in awe of your willingness to be open about depression. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What you do? It's important. Please keep doing it. I want to read about you and Jon dancing inappropriately at your 50th wedding anniversary.

That was really moving. The only thing more adorable than a running, laughing child is a child doing all that in slow-mo with cool music in the background.

Hang in there, love. Many people pulling for you.

Cerise

I too have been depressed, I know I can't say anything that will get you out of it but I'm going to say it all anyway:

Leta is a beautiful girl, and she is lucky to have you both. I love reading your blog and I check it (sometimes more than once) daily. Do your best to ignore the rediculous people that call you a loser because there is a far greater population who loves your blog. We are all concerned for you and wish you a quick end to the dark cloud.

Best Wishes

Hi Heather,
I have never commented either, but after reading this and the latest 'Dear Leta' entry, I felt compelled to say something. You have no idea how many of us moms feel the same way you do when it comes to being a better mother. Every day I cry because I feel like I could (and should) do more with my daughter, and I don't. After working all day, I'm tired and crabby. I would like to say that I don't spend the majority of my free time on the computer or laying in bed battling depression, but I do. When I look at my little girl, I feel like I'm letting her down and she doesn't even know it yet. She just smiles and kisses my face, and continues to play as if everything in the world is absolutely wonderful.
When I read what you wrote, I couldn't help but feel some relief.
Thanks for being you, and for continuing to write.

I can't watch the movie at work because the powers that be are dillholes and won't allow me to download Quicktime without some sort of administrative rights. But I can't wait to see it!

As for the sunflower nuts/seeds debate, isn't the word "nuts" even more offensive than "seeds" to a Mormon? I can't imagine a Mormon putting nuts in their mouth any more than placing a seed in their mouth. Just sayin'...

And ignore all the meanies. Sending good thoughts your way!

I'm just another blogger, just another lurker, just another commenter. But I love the honesty with which you posted, and I'm just here to tell you that I hope and pray that the cloud lifts and breathing becomes easier with each day. So glad you are blessed with that wonderful little girl -- hold fast to her and to all that is dear to you.

Heather,

It is really hard for me to imagine how people could send you mean and crabby emails, but I admire the way you handle them. They obviously don't know much about you, since it is obvious to me and the other 80-some-odd folks who wrote before me how lovely you are!

Am wishing you well and hoping that things get easier on your end. You'll get there, am sure, since those of us in the internet sphere always get our way. ;)

I love the kid running and jumping. Knowing that every Wednesday, my niece will do that...makes my weeks fly. I'm glad other kids do it. Kid laughter, best sound in the world.

You get too many damn comments, and it's not even into 3 digits yet (although it may well be before I finish typing). That's my way of saying I didn't have time to read more than a few of them, so hopefully I'm not repeating anything that has already been said.

Say it! Say it! Say it! I want to hear what you have to say. Don't let the haters scare you away. People who can't type grammatically correct sentences shouldn't be allowed to send hate mail.

I couldn't see the video because I can never get fucking Quicktime to work. I will work on that, because I'm sure it's adorable.

Secular blessings and love ...

Leta's sweetness is fierce.

Heather - I watched your video with tears in my eyes - my daughter is just a couple of months younger than Leta, and I so wish I shared your ability to write so that I too could record for her (and her older brother) just how much I love them.

I know you worry about the impact of your illness on her, but children are resilient, and knowing that they are loved and accepted is more important than that Mommy is perfect. And let her accept you. I hate letting any sign of my agoraphobia show to my children, but this summer when faced with crossing a railway line with my 4 year old, I just couldn't do it - he accepted this with aplomb and happily marched the long way round to keep our appointment.

(Oh, and the sunflower seed thing? So glad you shared that one!)

Heather- Thank you for your blog. I consider you to be one of the matriarchs of blogging and I can only hope that some day I can be as insightful, witty, and shocking as you. I wish there was some way I could keep the people with the ugly insides from commenting... I guess it just doesn't work that way. I'm glad that you have Leta to hug!

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but I'm glad you've got Jon in your corner. Oh, and Leta? Cutest. Waddle. Ever.

Just another anonymous admirer who has vacationed in that deep, dark pit. If wishes and prayers (sorry :)--I'm doing it for you, can't help it, but I'm just a run-of-the-mill relatively-unscarred-by-religion Presbyterian) from the internet can boost the curative powers of your obvious, moving love for your family, then you will be just fine.

Could you stop posting my emails on your shit blog?

thanx.

Your blog and your pictures are a bright spot in my day. I'm glad you're here.

I wish the video had loaded for me, but I'm sure it would just make me ache more for grandkids.

Heather - that is a damn fine reason to believe. Keep believing, especially when you don't. Put a post-it on your fridge, or the box of Pop Tarts or poor Chuck's rear end that says "believe". You have so much love out there for you and your family and we believe for you.

Believing from Boston,
-Lori

Let the good mojo help carry you through if it can...

perfection! attack of the 50 ft toddler!
screw the blue meanies of the world, Heather. you're funny as S@#% and if you need to vent - let it fly. we've got your back.

I, too, have never commented here, but I wanted to add my voice to the song of support...

The "long dark night" times are very hard, but kids do make it worth the fight. I'm hoping you find a way to hang in there.

Leta is beyond adorable...

If you're gonna smack some pedestrians, would you consider taking advantage of a personalized list I could make up real quick like?

I'd like to say something supportive 'n shit, but I'm not good with stuff like that, so I'll just lightly punch you in the arm or something.

You are one of the 5 people I have listed at myspace (ok, stop that smirking already), besides Einstein, Harper Lee, Martin Sheen, Magnus Scheving and Nelson Mandela, that I have wanted to meet in my lifetime.

Not sure if that bit of knowledge helps to make you feel better. It should.

Not because I am any great shakes myself, so great that you'd necessarily have any real desire to meet me, but because THEY are great. And you are number one on that list.

That's pretty good company you keep, Heather.

Peace to you and your family.

Another long time reader, first time poster:
Heather,

I'm just coming out of a nastiest and longest spell of depression to date. My friend told me something that sorta stuck in my head as I was just at my lowest, "For every down, there is an up." I'm glad you're seeing a bit of that in the up. I was struck watching the future Avon Queen running and was struck by how I used to pray and worry about her not being able to walk. Now she's hiding and chasing Daddy. There is so much hope in the world. The dark times can just make us stronger. I just wanted to add one more voice to the chorus of well-wishers. I enjoy you and your family so much. Thank you for what you do.

Thank you for sharing with us your life in open honesty. To say this too shall pass is too simple. Too many times we brush over depression because we can't associate with the person in it's perils. You deserve happiness, Heather. Remember that.

Heather,
I for one would LOVE to see someones,ANYONES, head explode! (i'm sick that way). Please don't think you are alone in this, for what it's worth we all care about you.I don't go one day without checking your blog at least 3 times to see if there is a new picture, post, or link. You make me laugh (or cry) on my most stressful days. My depression has also been rearing its ugly head of late and I'm not sure why (besides the fact that my son's medical condition has left us sooo far in debt I'm gonna start selling my organs!)
You have a beautiful family who love you, that is all that matters. Vent away; we will all listen without judgement.
xoxo, a bottle of Zoloft and a bottle of gin,
Kel

The waddle is priceless but that laugh, whew, that made my eyes tear up. Every parent on the face of the planet has experienced a similar moment and you've captured it on film. And yes, when you witness that kind of innocence, absolute perfection and pure love, it's hard to think there is anything wrong in the world. Weird isn't it? The heart of a two year old could solve the worlds problems.

I'm laughing because right after I wrote the above post and watched the video that melted my heart....I happened to look at the pre-orange juice photo. There is just something hysterically funny about seeing those two things one right after the other. Or I should say, "feeling" those two things one right after the other.

Heather

I just wanted to say that I read your blog almost every day and I so enjoy it!! It's made me laugh, and cry sometimes.

Depression is a hard thing - do what you can do get through it, Leta is just beautiful - I also have a three year old daughter and alot of what you write echos in my own head.

Just wanted to let you know that you do make a difference.

Best Wishes

Mich

dude...
the only thing that keeps me going is seeing my toddler run. her tiny little body and her big head bobbing along. Its all good.
count those blessings

I'm not going to write all that again in the hopes that it was rec'd the first time.

The other day I had a moment where I stopped to think about whether I should reveal the fact that I've been down lately on my blog. Would it ruin the tone? Do readers really need to know? Should I protect my own privacy? Will it make me look stupid and whiny? And, perhaps most importantly... could I blog about anything else and make it seem honest, like I wasn't trying to hide something?

Then I remembered reading about your tough times on your blog, and it gave me the courage to be truthful on mine. Thank you.

Heather:

(commenting here now; see mine previously to you at Blurbomat). The large number, but small percentage, of your readers, devotees, fans, and friends who have commented here today represent so many more who wish you well.

Thank you for the video--a gift to us all. Love the giggle the most--especially how it climbs the scale upward like an arpeggio.

Once upon a time, when you were feeling low, someone commented "blogging makes you care about people you don't even know". I've never forgotten that, and now I say it often myself. So now, I care about you and your family, because your gift for capturing them in writing and in images compels me to.

You were my first blog, found when another mommy in a "When Baby Comes Home" class caught a whiff of my personality peeking through the fatigue, and told me I should be reading your posts. That was two years and five months ago - and I've never stopped reading you, which led me to others, which led me to write a little too.

I can't say much more now than anyone else has before me, but I should thank you. It does seem strange to tell someone that you have done more for me than I can ever do for you, and you haven't known it. And, I want to say that I hope, most sincerely, that all the rough roads will be soon be behind you.

As for your beautiful daughter running toward you? It's the way her eyes go for yours, isn't it? I have to go and blubber a bit now.

I wrote this a year ago now Heather - I've sent it to you a few times but I know you're busy so here it is again just incase you didn't get it...

You've inspired me in ways I can't begin to describe and all I can say is SAY WHAT YOU NEED TO SAY GODAMNIT - we can handle it - we want to hear it - we need to hear it and those that can't or don't can RACK OFF! Don't deprive those of us who live daily for your posts for those who are heart and brain dead. I know you have good friends - one of them is your husband and the thing I've discovered about good friends is THEY KEEP COMING BACK...so lets call you letting your Volcano rocks off a Process of Elimination - say it, say it all!

Here endeth the lecture... m mmm m (that was a big wrap around hug)
________________________________________________

Movement...

Just when I think I'm being as honest as my conscience and heart will let me, I read Dooce.

www.dooce.com/archives/daily/11_03_2005.html

www.dooce.com/archives/daily/12_05_2005.html

Little Leta is so gorgeous my heart almost went into seizures just scrolling over the pictures. She is almost the age my daughter was when I left my family.

I had near fatal suicidal depression and hardly remember anything of my daughters early years. Lights on, no-one home.
I functioned as the person everyone called me but my brain/emotions were doing time in solitary confinement.

On The Night, I had the pills and glass of water beside the bed. My husband had left for night shift, the children were asleep.

I had learnt a lot from the last time and had it all planned...take the pills and go to sleep. He would arrive home in the morning just as the children were waking and...whatever.

Earlier a friend came around and hard worded me "So? What are you going to do about it?".
(IT being depression) then left in disgust when I shrugged "idunno".

Luckily I have a spiritual army on the 'other side' looking after me and after she left there was a tangible parting of the cotton wool feeling clouds that was my brain and a voice said "Your children need you!"
I can still hear that voice to this day.

I went to bed, had an unpilled nights sleep and the next morning told my husband I needed to leave, for everyones sake.
He wrote in a card "I would rather have an alive best friend than a dead wife" and let me go gracefully.

When they say "It must have been really hard leaving your children" my answer has always been "It wasn't hard at all - If it had been hard, I know I would have been doing the wrong thing".

Thanks Heather B.
It took me a long time to realise that I took drugs and drank alcohol to bring on being emotionally moved by somethinganything - to experience passion. And in a 3 minute read of this blog, I was moved in the way only being-under-the-influence could move me in the past.

It is now 11 years since I 'left the family' and being confronted with images of children, and what I chose to forfeit, still takes my breath and chokes my heart, but I have no regrets. Leaving was the most courageous and right thing I have ever done and gave me the saying that I live by 'When you do what's right for you, you do what's right for everyone around you'.

My children have been able to watch me grow up and maybe that's why, even though they're teenagers now, we're all still so in love with each other...

What a sweet,giggly girl!! A true blessing!!
Praying for you! Keep taking it day by day, moment by moment. Many of us have walked in your shoes! You can survive and win! (so many exclamation marks means I really, really mean it!!!!!!!) (((hugs)))

Depression is anger turned inward, so maybe turning outwards is a first step towards overcoming depression. I have a friend that did hit someone with his car to feel better. He went through a lot of therapy after that.

He feels *much* better now.

Moral of the story: Do what you gotta do, baby!

Although..... editing and publishing tear-jerking videos of a happy toddler might also help you feel better. And save you a lot of $$ on therapy.

If they can put flouride in the tap water, why can't they add Prozac? "Mother had lovely teeth, too bad we never saw them..." Government has it's priorities all wrong, I tell you.

hi dooce,

the video of leta is wonderful; her laugh is so beautiful. my bf and i just watched it twice in a row to listen to her laugh! my bf loves leta's name. she is truly a precious child. lots of love and hope from us to you and your family through this time.

long-time readers,
s & t

I read so many of the comments, suddenly, ten comments later than when I started. But all of what they say is true (except the idiots, of course); you are not alone, though I know when I was at my lowest I wouldn't believe that from anyone, much less a stranger from the internet.

Such an immense outpouring of positive vibes: surely the universe is feeling the Dooce love.

Thank you for all you share, for your honesty and humor and beautiful family.

Bless you for writing about all this. I'm raising my water glass and Zoloft in a toast to you, remembering when I told my doc years ago that my 'black holes' had turned into 'potholes'. Hoping the same for you, brilliant lady!

How very precious. A love between children and parents is so powerful. I never knew I could feel love on that level. It can be quite overwhelming.

I'm rooting for you Dooce, and I can identify so much with your story. Peace.

I was talking to my best friend who loves your site as much as I do which is amazing. I knew she was hooked when she emailed me one day asking if I'd seen some adorable picture of Leta. She doesn't even like kids all that much, but we adore yours - and Chuck. Chuck is the love of our lives next to our own dogs. Anyway, we were discussing over the weekend how terrible we felt for you having both been through some soul sucking depression ourselves. We both feel all somehow protective of you against these hateful people who send you terrible emails and hope you feel better soon. Know that massive healing thoughts are coming at you from Capitol Hill and Sunnyside in Salt Lake City.

its funny how we can stockpile the praise we receive without much regard, and then one little criticism can shatter it all. every illusion of personal grandeur is decimated and dashed into a billion pieces. if you need to, you can borrow my dustpan. it has plenty of experience with picking those pieces back up.

hope this finds you feeling fine.

Polly

Leta is so adorable. She's the bomb. One of the things I love most about your blog is your love for your family.

The thing I hate most about your blog, though, is that you're so good at this it makes me want to junk my own blog and cry in the corner. Stop that! Now!

(smile)

Leta is so adorable. She's the bomb. One of the things I love most about your blog is your obvious love for your family.

The thing I hate about your blog, though, is that you're so good at this it makes me want to junk my own blog and cry in the corner. Stop that! Now!

(smile)

Aw man my comment just disappeared! poof!

Anyway when the video loads sometime next year I'm sure it will be adorable. :)

How is it that something so simple can be so beautiful and touching? It gave me goosebumps. You chose the perfect music for that perfect moment.

right there with you girl! my little one is the only thing that keeps me from walking away becuase there are days i feel hubby would be better without me etc etc nothing fixes he sore heart and head like a child hug - unconditional love is a fantastic gift.

That is so beautiful. It is similar moments like that, that keep ME going.

Keep looking at your inspirations, at your child & husband, and you will come out in the sunshine in the end.

Yep. You will hang in there and beat the shit out of this disease because of her. I'm glad you have her, and I'm glad you have Jon. I know that it's hard to remember that the hopelessness doesn't last forever, because I'm there now too, but I know and you know that things can get bright again. Well, I know that it can get better for you, anyway. In the meantime, live for the small stuff, like stories about scary Mormon temple rituals. My cousin was just married for time and all eternity in the temple, and my grandmother was "sealed" to my dead (Baptist!) grandfather, with a male cousin standing in for him. Yikes!

I must have clicked this bookmark six hundred times a day since the post saying that you felt yourself being gripped by depression again.

I'm sure I was not alone. Hold onto the power of so many many people wanting you to kick this shit in the teeth.

"I know everything is going to be okay."

So do all of us. hang in hang on and hug that baby girl.

(BTW, if they are ona bike? 30 points)

you are not alone, Heather. You have a wonderful family to help you through, you are in my thoughts.
Leta is the coolest kid ever!

Then again....who needs us when you have BOUNCING PONYTAILS!?

Awesome. Totally, completely happiness-affirming.

Heather, you've gotten through this before. You will get through it this time, too. You will.

Whenever you put all of yourself out there for the world to have part and parcel in your life, you are not just welcoming all the kind people, the like-mindeds, and even --I just gotta say it-- the schlocky kiss-butts who love *everything* you do; you're also, unfortunately, leaving the door open for the petty and the otiose to beat you down.

Be strong and try to avoid dwelling on such nastiness.

Dooce, I just wish we could all come over with a casserole and make it better. Please don't hesitate to ask us if there's anything we can do. I hope you feel better soon.

To all the angry people I say:

Wow, you sound really upset. You can sit in your cubby until you calm down. When you're ready to talk to me with your regular words, you can come back.

To you I say:

I don't know you, but I totally love you and your family! I've never been so compelled to read about/hear songs from/watch videos of a child I've never met. Sometimes I wish I was Leta so that I could have such a cool mom (no offense, Mom) who is also so good at storytelling. Don't stop.

single tear

Take care.

Cutest. Run. Ever.

Oh, and you are not alone, not even close! Hugs.

Beautiful video.

And thanks for passing on the sunflower seed advice. I will never eat them again without feeling like a filthy whore.

I think tha