Rumbling volcano
I have many things that I want to say, things I want to talk about, have wanted to talk about for months, and I'm trying to figure out where to begin. A part of me is afraid that if I start talking I will not stop, because I have been bottling it up for so long and the pressure is strong enough to blow my ears off my head. When that happens I will be sure to catch it all on video so you can watch the gore unfold in slow motion.
Today I'm just going to say thank you for the kind email and the words of encouragement. I have read all of it, and I'm not sure there is any possible way to respond to all of it.
Sometimes the Internet can be so dumb that it makes you want to carve your brain out with a ladle:
"found you blog today and its total shit!!!! loser!!!!"
Such things make me grieve for America.
Other times you realize that your life is made so much better and brighter by the Internet:
"Why is it so (strangely) interesting to read someone else's grocery receipt? And is it a Utah thing to call them 'sunflower nuts'? They are SEEDS, dammit. An assumption on my part: perhaps Mormons can't call them seeds because that is the germinating SEX part of a plant and what a scorching sin to put SEX parts in your mouth."
The latter, fortunately, far outweighs the former, and the support I've read in my inbox over the last few days is a perfect example of one of those instances. Thank you for sending me your optimism. And also for sharing your well-founded assumptions about the Mormons. The one about how they sacrifice puppies in the temple? Totally true.
To show my gratitude I've put together a short video of that which keeps me from jumping off the roof of the house, although there are times when the argument could be made that it is she who would drive me to climb up there in the first place. Yesterday Leta and Jon were playing hide and seek and I was able to catch a small sequence in which she ran toward me with her funny toddler waddle, and as gross as this sounds, and as mad as I will be at myself later for writing this, I watch this and I know everything is going to be okay.
Or at least it will be after I smack a few pedestrians with my car. That would feel better than Prozac.
Launch video (4 MB Quicktime file)
Soundtrack is "Emotion 98.6" by Mylo.
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FM Living
Trinity said:
That is so beautiful. It is similar moments like that, that keep ME going.
Keep looking at your inspirations, at your child & husband, and you will come out in the sunshine in the end.
10.10.06 - 09:03 PM / 1kelliamanda said:
Yep. You will hang in there and beat the shit out of this disease because of her. I'm glad you have her, and I'm glad you have Jon. I know that it's hard to remember that the hopelessness doesn't last forever, because I'm there now too, but I know and you know that things can get bright again. Well, I know that it can get better for you, anyway. In the meantime, live for the small stuff, like stories about scary Mormon temple rituals. My cousin was just married for time and all eternity in the temple, and my grandmother was "sealed" to my dead (Baptist!) grandfather, with a male cousin standing in for him. Yikes!
10.10.06 - 09:09 PM / 2dancingnancy said:
Thanks for the video Heather! She's so cute. :)
What is going on in that person's life that makes them so upset about whether you call them nuts or seeds?! Honestly! Someone pissed in his Cheerio's, or maybe he's just all hyped up on caffeine. I can't think of another explanation.
Good luck with everything, and feel free to unload all your thoughts. :)
10.10.06 - 09:09 PM / 3cate said:
I must have clicked this bookmark six hundred times a day since the post saying that you felt yourself being gripped by depression again.
I'm sure I was not alone. Hold onto the power of so many many people wanting you to kick this shit in the teeth.
"I know everything is going to be okay."
So do all of us. hang in hang on and hug that baby girl.
(BTW, if they are ona bike? 30 points)
10.10.06 - 09:10 PM / 4Rose said:
I just want to say, I *heart* you guys. I enjoy each vignette of life at the house of Dooce and Blurb. I look forward to each photograph, and feel inspired to do more with my camera and look at all the mundane aspects of my life with a more artistic eye.
I am sorry to read that you are going through a rough spot, Heather. Is there anything your readers can do for you.
10.10.06 - 09:13 PM / 5Anopoli said:
you are not alone, Heather. You have a wonderful family to help you through, you are in my thoughts.
Leta is the coolest kid ever!
10.10.06 - 09:18 PM / 6SurprisingWoman said:
How lovely. My daughter sent me a video on her phone of my grandbaby, being held by her daddy after her bath, laughing so hard she gets a hitch in her voice.
There is nothing better than the laughter of a child.
Feel better soon, Heather. We are all pulling for you.
Brenda K.
10.10.06 - 09:19 PM / 7cate said:
Then again....who needs us when you have BOUNCING PONYTAILS!?
10.10.06 - 09:23 PM / 8rebecki said:
ha ha!! that is great! :) I could watch that over and over, so I can't even begin to imagine how it must make you feel!
10.10.06 - 09:26 PM / 9Vaguely Urban said:
Awesome. Totally, completely happiness-affirming.
Heather, you've gotten through this before. You will get through it this time, too. You will.
10.10.06 - 09:29 PM / 10Madame M. said:
Whenever you put all of yourself out there for the world to have part and parcel in your life, you are not just welcoming all the kind people, the like-mindeds, and even --I just gotta say it-- the schlocky kiss-butts who love *everything* you do; you're also, unfortunately, leaving the door open for the petty and the otiose to beat you down.
Be strong and try to avoid dwelling on such nastiness.
10.10.06 - 09:39 PM / 11stutefish said:
Oh, that's sweet. As someone who has been struggling with depression for more than a decade now, I hear where you are so clearly. "This too shall pass" feels so...empty when you're in the middle of the shit, but it really is true. Here, have a poem: http://www.nicebutnubbly.com/2006/10/sweetness-by-stephen-dunn.html
10.10.06 - 09:40 PM / 12typingelbow said:
Dooce, I just wish we could all come over with a casserole and make it better. Please don't hesitate to ask us if there's anything we can do. I hope you feel better soon.
10.10.06 - 10:04 PM / 13DDM said:
I'm sending every good thought I have your way. They're pretty sparse here right now too. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Everything crossed for you that every day gets a little better.
10.10.06 - 10:08 PM / 14lesismore said:
To all the angry people I say:
Wow, you sound really upset. You can sit in your cubby until you calm down. When you're ready to talk to me with your regular words, you can come back.
To you I say:
I don't know you, but I totally love you and your family! I've never been so compelled to read about/hear songs from/watch videos of a child I've never met. Sometimes I wish I was Leta so that I could have such a cool mom (no offense, Mom) who is also so good at storytelling. Don't stop.
10.10.06 - 10:16 PM / 15barbie2be said:
she is such a pile of cuteness! you're a lucky family.
10.10.06 - 10:19 PM / 16Court@RespectRx.com said:
single tear
10.10.06 - 10:19 PM / 17feministbitch said:
Hang in there, Heather. We're all rooting for you. (Is that even how you spell that kind of rooting? makes it sound like we're infants at your breast looking for milk...)
10.10.06 - 10:20 PM / 18leahkay said:
Take care.
10.10.06 - 10:21 PM / 19rivetergirl said:
I check your page and Bluromat every day. You guys share so much with your readers. Your honest insights into parenting and everything that goes with it is so helpful and encouraging. Thank you.
Also know that for those of us who love you site, we care about you and wish you well.
10.10.06 - 10:23 PM / 20Jill Shalvis said:
Cutest. Run. Ever.
Oh, and you are not alone, not even close! Hugs.
10.10.06 - 10:24 PM / 21K8 said:
Aww, thanks for sharing that. I have to admit, your Leta makes me feel the same way, and I only know her through teh internets...
You're a smart, strong woman. I'm glad you're not trying to be alone in this (which is the true sign of a smart, strong woman, after all).
10.10.06 - 10:24 PM / 22Workman said:
Beautiful video.
And thanks for passing on the sunflower seed advice. I will never eat them again without feeling like a filthy whore.
10.10.06 - 10:31 PM / 23SydneyDawn said:
Oh no, I can't get the video to work!
I've been through periods of depression in my life where I wanted to end it all, but things eventually got better. Hang in there.
10.10.06 - 10:46 AM / 24Amy said:
That was cute - I'm so envious of your vidio technical abilities (insert pout face here).
So can we put up nominations for the pedestrians you're going to hit with your car? Because my lawyer should totally be on that list. In fact, you can run him over twice for good measure.
10.10.06 - 10:46 AM / 25LisaMarie36 said:
Heather, I've been reading your site for about two years now. I look forward every day to seeing Leta's face and hearing the adorable things that she says and does. I adore Chuck. Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy your site.
10.10.06 - 10:47 AM / 26Josie said:
“Lo que el artista hace por su pueblo es lo que el alma hace por el cuerpo.†Gabriela Mistral
Translation- What the artist does for their village is that which the soul does for the body.
Your artistry is amazing.
Best wellness wishes.
10.10.06 - 10:47 AM / 27SnookNSmunch said:
*Big hugs for the Blurbadoocery* You know, the kind that don't make you feel all uncomfortable, but just let you know that you are cared for.
And in the meantime, a little bitchy clog-trashing might help, no?
http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/2006/10/fugio_batali.html
10.10.06 - 10:50 AM / 28Seven said:
That video made my ovaries hurt. Leta is freakin' adorable.
10.10.06 - 10:51 AM / 29SisuLiz said:
Thanks for being bold enough to share this. I don't have a doubt that you'll get through this. I love the weeble-wobble totter of Leta's run. You made me smile a little more today.
10.10.06 - 10:53 AM / 30