Do I Look Like I Speak Spanish?
I know that what I'm about to say is going to cause all sorts of hissy fits, and people are going to get all fussy and up in my business, but what's the point of a personal website if I can't whine?
It's just, the only Spanish I know I learned from The Simpsons and Sesame Street, and so if you're looking at me like I'm crazy because I don't know what you mean when you say "ocho," the look I'm giving you is, "Repeat it all you want lady, but I've got to count to ten in Spanish silently on my fingers in order to figure out how many fingers equals your ocho."
By the time I get to eight you're so upset with me that now you're offering only "cinqo," which, luckily, I remember is only five, so I tell you, "No mi gusta." Trouble is, I knew a guy in college who spent two Mormon years in Brazil so don't think I don't know that you just told me to kiss your ass.
No, no besa su culo, or however you say it, you bitch.
I'm not having a garage sale so that I can just give away all this stuff. I know people are used to getting things for pennies at little sales like this, but I paid $279.99 for that chair a year ago, and you can't have it for cinqo. Or for "Ocho! Ocho! Ocho!" for that matter.
Maybe for "Ocho!" times cinqo, but I'm not budging.
So two hours later I sell it to another lady for tres, and after she's thrown it into the back of her van she has her kid ask me in English, "Hey, woman, what happened to the wheels that are supposed to be on the bottom of this chair?" And the lady is glaring at me like I just took her for a fool, that somehow, giving her a one-year old chair from the Pottery Barn for only three dollars I was violating the garage sale code of ethics.
And you know, any morsel of humanity left in my little Anglo-bones left me for that particluar instant and I shot that kid a bilingual bird, and said, * "J'ai pas moi!" "J'sais pas moi!"
*oops! I hate it when I'm a stupid American.
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FM Living
Keith said:
If she wants something from you, she should ask you for it in a manner you understand. It's not your fault she can't speak English in a country where that's the predominant language. On a lighter note, that reminds me of the scene from "Shanghai Noon" where Jackie Chan's character keeps asking the Indians, "Where is Carson City?" One says to the other (in their language), "He's saying it slower now, like I'll suddenly understand." The other replies, "Give him the peace pipe, maybe that will shut him up."
10.13.02 - 11:52 AM / 1spike said:
"J'ai pas moi" ???
"you dont have me" ???
huh?
why were you getting rid of a one year old PB chair for 1 % of what you purchased it for?
10.13.02 - 12:04 PM / 2Alex said:
I speak Spanish, and I think people are going to be asses no matter what language they speak. Good for you for sticking to your guns. Plus, she totally sounded like a pushy broad. I hate it when people are fucking rude for no real reason.
Hey, it's a garage sale not a take-it-all-for-free sale, right?
i Orale chica !
10.13.02 - 12:06 PM / 3David said:
Hey, there's nothing wrong with Simpsons Spanish. It's like Cafe French but funnier.
10.13.02 - 12:22 PM / 4aprilgem said:
Being a SoCal girl myself, I know what you mean. I sometimes forget what country I'm in because everyone around me is speaking Spanish and looking at me like I'm some idiot tourist.
10.13.02 - 12:31 PM / 5stupid bint said:
there is no satisfaction quite like ripping someone off who doesnt know you just ripped them off.
So that stupid bint probably though she had the bargain, til she thought it should have wheels.
We have a saying here in Australia for when we have just ripped someone off in a sale situation.
"big windows"
Meaning the windows were so big, and the object so carefully displayed, that you must have been a complete loser to have paid that much for the item concerned.
Not that this in any way relates to your post about Spanish and French.
*ahem*
10.13.02 - 12:40 PM / 6Anon. said:
Yeah, people like that are annoying, and chances are she really does speak english, and is pretending not to in order for you to think that she's ignorant. They're smarter than they look.
On the other hand, it is hard being in a situation where you don't understand what's going on. Countless times I have probably insulted people or their culture because of my lack of language skills. So take pity, at least you were able to have a garage sale; where I live they're illegal.
10.13.02 - 12:50 PM / 7Mike said:
One thing I hate about living in So Cal is that all the street names are in Spanish. Like I'm suppose to remember to convert all my "j" sounds to "h" sounds. By the way, I think they speak Portugese in Brazil.
10.13.02 - 01:11 PM / 8Me said:
øDÛnde es Antonio Banderas? That's all the Spanish I knew when I went to Spain on vacation. Luckily, I had a Spanish-English dictionary and an open mind.
Why were you getting rid of a year old Pottery Barn chair - did Chuckles pee on it?
10.13.02 - 01:24 PM / 9Sarah said:
Were you mad at the woman for speaking Spanish or for trying to get a bargain at a garage sale? Because isn't that the idea behind garage sales - to barter? Anyway, your view of people who speak spanish is very xenophobic and typical of most redblooded americans - "This is america - and we speak english only." I feel sorry for you.
P.S.
As for Mike - the street names in So Cal are in Spanish because California and the rest of the southwest used to be part of Mexico and, thus, the long tradition of Spanish names for cities, states as well as places i.e. Los Angeles, Santa Barbara/ Cruz/Clara, San Francisco - Colorado, Arizona, NEW MEXICO, Texas
10.13.02 - 01:35 PM / 10Gringo con alma Latina said:
The way I see it you can either complain about spics and gnash your teeth or embrace Latin culture and learn some Spanish--fairly easy to pick up with a bit of effort. Mastering a foreign language makes more sense to me than learning some dorky computer language that will be obsolete in 3 years.
10.13.02 - 02:04 PM / 11dooce said:
and thus the fussing begins.
10.13.02 - 02:13 PM / 12the husband said:
Look, you have 8 people coming at you, your husband just sold the microwave and this freak is demanding it for $10 (US) less than you've already sold it for and your husband is looking at you like "Get these insane people away."
This isn't about culture as much as language. Screw anybody at this point who doesn't learn at least some of the predominant language of the country they live in, despite Christopher Columbus, The Sopranos, Manifest Destiny, Angry White Conservatives and/or anal liberals.
If I'm moving to France, I god damned well will learn to speak French. I expect the same courtesy from others.
If you wanna talk multi-culti: it begins with the perfect margarita; 2 limes, tequila blanco and a dribble of Cointreau, rocks, shaken.
10.13.02 - 03:08 PM / 13darsella said:
i can empathize with the garage sale mayhem, and you did complement it with the universal f-you sign, but do you realize your comeback to the cheap spaniard was "i dont have me" .... in french?!
10.13.02 - 03:49 PM / 14Celia Cruz said:
Wow, I wish you had your yard sale by me. A little finger is worth it!
10.13.02 - 03:50 PM / 15dooce said:
i really hate to have to explain things after i've written them, so, just so you know, "J'ai pas moi" is slang for "I don't know." the moi is added in many slang phrases, in this instance it's like, "Me? I don't know." and the reason i was selling the chair? because the wheels broke. do you get it now?
10.13.02 - 03:54 PM / 16The Inmate said:
1. Brazil is not a Spanish speaking country. It was colonized by the Portuguese.
2. It's Cinco, as in "Cinco de Mayo" not Cinqo, as that Thong Song rapper might be inclined to spell it.
3. "Besa su culo" is conceptually right. If you want to kiss HER ass, that is. If she's to be the kisser, substitute "su" with "mi".
4. "mi" is not the same as "me".
5. Look outside your borders once in a while. That goes for all Americans.
10.13.02 - 04:01 PM / 17dooce said:
i know they speak Portuguese in Brazil, you fuck. and i know I spelled "cinqo" wrong. i was making fun of myself. that was the whole point of the post.
10.13.02 - 04:02 PM / 18The Inmate said:
My thoughts ellicited a "you fuck"?
Gosh, am I proud of myself now. I'm printing this page, sending it to friends and framing the last copy.
Seriously now...do you really think you would have gotten a better deal from a nice "real" American?
I don't get the point really. Are you bitching about foreigners in LA? Are you bitching about people that go to another country and don't learn the language (I'm with you on that one) or are you bitching because of your 1% ROI on the damned chair?
So here's my peeve: I find it laughable that you call yourselves "Americans", given that the whole continent is called America. You should be called "Unitedstatesians". You say it's too long? Well, tell that to people who live in Trinidad & Tobago. What do you think they're called?
10.13.02 - 04:10 PM / 19Ex-liontamer said:
First off, a big shout out to Inmate; keepin' it real from the feel. Mm-kay. Now, Dooce, baby, as far as I can tell "yardsale people" suck no matter where y'are or what language they speak. I went through a similar fate this Spring and lemme tell ya, trying to get fair market value on a slightly used collander is tough enough, let alone a PB chair. Cheapskates just suck. I'm just curious as to why you didn't e-bay that sucker. Or just have Goodwill take it away. But, hey, 3 bucks is 3 bucks.
10.13.02 - 04:35 PM / 20Sarah B. said:
Shit, girlfriend, you should have emailed old SB first. I'd have taken it off your hands for at least viente-tres, plus postage.
10.13.02 - 04:51 PM / 21dan said:
it seems as if some people will never understand your humor, heather.
i say fuck 'em all and kick back with a jack and coke. minus the coke of course.
10.13.02 - 05:14 PM / 22mule-rider said:
Oh, just get the fuck over yourself. You had a yard sale and people acted shitty. As far as my experience goes, there's nothing quite like a yard sale to make you feel angry and demeaned. Yard sale vultures suck no matter where you are.
If you were going to be outraged that no one appreciated the retail value of your broken- ass Pottery Barn chair, then give it to the fucking Goodwill and take the tax break.
Also- when you take cheap shots that are camouflaged racism and people call you on it- take the hit. Your defensiveness really stinks of unrepentant Mormon smugness.
10.13.02 - 05:16 PM / 23dooce said:
dude, you ride mules. what the fuck do you know?
10.13.02 - 05:23 PM / 24aprilgem said:
LOL, Dooce! Apparently, Mule-Rider knows how to ride on someone's ass.
10.13.02 - 05:32 PM / 25Agripina said:
Jeez, the controversy you've inspired, Dooce, with a broken pottery barn chair and some grossly misspelled spanish words. Oh well. You knew you had it coming, right? And you've gotten some nice usage of the word "fuck" along the way.
10.13.02 - 05:42 PM / 26kath said:
Good job stirring it up, Dooce! Amazing how incensed people get when you throw a little "multi-culture" into the mix. The way I look at it, if someone wants to be understood, they use words the listener will understand. If someone wants to be misunderstood, they do the opposite. Ever been a guest at a family dinner where the whole family was bilingual? Notice when they switch from the common language to the family one? (Hint: it's not when they want to include you in the conversation)
10.13.02 - 05:44 PM / 27Mike said:
Look outside our borders? Weren't all the characters in this story American? What the fuck?
10.13.02 - 05:59 PM / 28Eric said:
Very nice.
10.13.02 - 06:13 PM / 29The Inmate said:
By "look outside your borders" I was referring to the attitude that most (please note I am generalizing here) Americans - ugh, that word again - have towards other countries/cultures/customs. A significant portion of the American populace is embarrasingly ignorant about what happens outside of their own country. Some say it has to do with the big-headedness of being the world's only superpower. I say it's the collective cultural effect of too many years of being told America is so great, and so many inmigrants apparently confirming the notion. I would disagree. "America" (once more, the country not the continent) is not bad, but it's certainly not all it's cracked up to be.
10.13.02 - 06:37 PM / 30