I have no advice on staying regular, but I MUST know what the prime pooping position is.

"How do you stay regular?"

FROZEN pop tarts, woman!

Well, I think it must be fate that I am the most constipated person next to dooce and I may (if I am quick enough) be the first to comment.

I never knew I was constipated until I was about 22; I just thought I was in a bad mood. Once the doctor said, yes dear, this is constipation, I was thrilled. Thrilled because I thought that I could just 'correct' it. Not so.

Anyway...I drink ALOT of water, I eat ALOT of raw veggies and I pray that the poop will pass.

Now, at 37 and 4 pregnancies later (during pregnancy...ON iron pills...I was perfectly regular, go figure) I finally started taking Zelnorm. Wow! What a difference. I thought that Zelnorm was for people with IBS (it is). I thought IBS was only for diarrhea (it isn't). It is making a difference in my life. WooHoo!

You people who are regular and think if we 'full of shit' people just do this or that and it would be all better should just stop. Our bodies do not work the same. Out of my 4 children, two are regular joes (like hubby) and two are like me. Babysitters still can't get over the fact that you don't have to wipe poop off of their butts, you just have to be careful the little poop marbles don't roll out of the diaper and onto the floor. Where the dog might mistake them for...well, nevermind.

Man! You guys are fast! ;)

I have the same problem and am constantly battling my bowels. I noticed that when I stay away from sugar and dairy (both of which I could live off of alone) it becomes easier to poop more often. I also drink apple cider vinegar before every meal I eat at home and I take digestive enzymes before every meal.
The biggest thing I think is my stress level. I'm a totally worrier and fixer. Do I actually fix people.. no, do I think I can? Yes. So I end up stressed out about stuff for days. Anyway when I hold onto stuff. So does my colon. I found some good stuff here:http://www.westonaprice.org/askdoctor/ask_constipation.html

I feel guilty because I poop at least twice every day.

I'm sorry, Heather.

Things to eat when you want to poop (at least they work for me): prunes (bleck!), edamame (yummy salty green goodness), coffee (starbucks does it everytime), refried beans from Topanga...but you probably don't have a Topanga...so come to Vancouver, I'll take you there.

Aloe tablets work for me. My Aunt turned me onto them and aloe tablets & I are in love.
You see, I am not a regular girl.

alas, i have no poop advice but i want to tell you how much i love your blog! and that husbands pooping with macworld is the funniest, most true thing i've read all day.

A latte and hard boiled egg gets things moving along pretty well in the ol' AM. REALLY well.

someone mentioned frozen poptarts, but when in truth the yummiest thing on earth is a toasted strawberry poptart with butter. ah, the butter. YUM.

I go whenever I feel the urge. Which usually is 0-3 times a day, and this sentence is more thought than I have put into how often I do it in years.

My wife is a whole 'nother story. Her and her mom love to talk about it, the issues with it, the colour and the shape, etc. Well, maybe not that bad but whether they did or didn't comes up a lot more that I would ever think it should.

So what do I do to stay regular? Not worry about it. When it happens, there must be something knocking on the door. When it doesn't happen, I have plenty of other things to think about...

Coffeee and dried plums. No, they are no longer called prunes. The new way they market them is dried plums. Then I don't feel embarrased to buy them. But they make them in orange essence flavor. Yummy.

Of course, if you have trouble, I doubt prunes, i mean dried plums, will help. But that's what helps me.

Also, my mom says after she eats that carb counter ice cream, she's in the bathroom within 2 minutes. No joke. She used to eat the dried plums...now she just takes a bite of that ice cream. :)

How to stay regular:

Stop fretting over the negative comments made by people so uptight they probably shit diamonds from all that built up self-righteous pressure!

Gosh! Freakin' idiots!

My grandmother always said (God rest her poop, she is taking a dirt nap now) "Beets flush out the bowels." Words to poop by.

Constipation and Hemorrhoids are apparently my friends. I know I can't seem to get rid of them anyway. I eat a wonderfully bland diet of porridge/gruel for breakfast, coffee and try to drink lots of water. I got told off after my second pregnancy because I was drinking SO MUCH water my poor stretched bladder just couldn't cope. And here I thought I was just plain incontinent. I probably need to eat more fibre. Dried apricots & sultanas will make you poop your brains out if you like them! So - I don't know. Laxatives?! I hope you find "the answer" and then please, tell me!
If I get one more comment from a doctor about my "lovely hemmoroid" I'm going to have to go on a killing spree.

Under 30 minutes? If I take more than 2, I get aggravated. I used to poop rocks when I was a teen, but 30 years later, I rarely get to feel as though my bum is giving birth. More often now, it's the Clench-Cheeked Sprint to the bathroom.

Hunt:
I enjoy sitting on the toilet reading books and magazines until my legs go numb.

The boy I'm seeing swears by a book called FIT FOR LIFE. According to this book, your waste removal schedule should go as follows:

1. Drink nothing but fruit juice before noon.

2. Noon - 8pm - eat. But don't combine proteins and carbs, as your body has a hard time breaking it down.

3. 8pm-8am - your body processes the food, you wake up and poo your brains out.

He poops regularly.

I poop regularly, having ingested half a pizza, a mocha frappucino, three bags of Lemonheads, a Nutrageous bar, and half a block of cheddar cheese.

I'd say pooping is a specific and personal experience.

coffee keeps me regular when copious amounts of water and stress are not available. Regular is not the word I would use to describe my pooping though.

the Prime Pooping Position sounds a whole lot like the Natural Pooping Position that one adopts pooping when backpacking or in italian trainstations. I find that it works great in those situations, but I've never tried to execute it on a toilet.

I poop every two days, unless I've bought Raisin Bran to eat for breakfast. Then, by 10 AM I'm in the bathroom and no one is going to see me for a while.

My husband, however, gets really cranky when he doesn't poop at least once or twice in a day. He has issues with his poop. He always has to poop before leaving the house. And he wipes his butt with wet paper towels. He defends this with, "Hey, at least you know I've got a clean butt." He's very weird about the poop.

Just thought I'd over-share there...

I gotta preface this by saying I swear I am not trying to sell, scam, or otherwise rope anyone into one of those pyramid-scheme things that alleges millions of dollars within months. But my boyfriend sells this herbal supplement called "Experience," made by a direct-sale company called Awareness. Before using this stuff I gotta say I was one stopped-up girl. After 90 days of taking a few of these capsules once a day, I am regular like clockwork. Oh, the joy! I'll warn you that for the first couple of weeks pooping is definitely an "experience." When the urge to evacuate hits, watch out! Six minutes, HA! Try six seconds. If I'd waited six minutes I'd have had a mess of fantastic proportions on my hands. I swore I was possessed by the worst kind of pooping evil, the way stuff shot out of me. Okay, that's probably too much information. But I feel much better these days!

eat spicy food! chipotle tacos work like a charm with all that fiber and hot sauce. chipoopspray is what we call it.

or try pasta arrabiatta/diavoloccino. that'll help the browns get to the superbowl alright.

We are obsessed with poop in this house. Size, shape, color, consistency - the family that poops together stays together! I've just read recently that the first thing you should drink in the morning is a cup of warm lemon water, as cold water stuns the gut and warm water encourages evacuation.

'Evacuation'. Nearly as good as my mom's favorite:

"I was just in having my morning constitution..."

I had a fish burrito the other night immediately followed by a DQ brownie earthquake (DQ being across the street from the Mexican place). Let's just say I RAN LIKE HELL to the bathroom.

Dooce, please don't hate me because I pooped. I just have the opposite pooping problem.

I really have no advice to offer as I suffer from the same problem. Although I've been taking good vitamins that seem to help sometimes. I think my problem is psychological. I just don't like to go. I know, I have issues...

I HAD to comment to this though: "I have never in my life known a male who can poop in under 30 minutes, who doesn’t have to take in an entire year’s worth of MacWorld to see him from start to finish." Oh my God, that is SO my husband. And the year's worth of MacWorlds next to the toilet prove it.

I've heard that Uncle Sam cereal is the best! Or any type of Kashi cereals.

For breakfast I have oatmeal with wheat germ and flaxseed meal... I'm pooping by noon.

Good luck!

Regarding my previous comment:

By "better" I meant, faster.

You now what is the WORST? The worst is when your dog or cat eats a piece of string and it comes out with poop strung on it like Christmas lights and they can't quite push all of it out so you have to get a paper towel and grab the end of the string and let them run like hell.
That, my friends, is the WORST; especially when your baby wants to play with the paper towel afterward.
Just kidding! ~slaps hand~ Apologies!

I just went to visit my boyfriend for a week and couldn't poop once the entire time. oh the pain! but then i had an experience like your cousin... the second i got back home, the big motherfuckin' poop came, and i nearly keeled over and passed out on the public toilet seat.

when the constipation is less severe, i've found that super hot water with lots of lemon juice works, it ties up your stomach in knots and CAN work. there has been an instance when this did not work, and then i happened upon something else totally NOT practical and unconventional.

when you get a coconut from the market and peel the white flesh from the shell, there is that thin layer of brown rind on the coconut. if you eat some coconut with this brown rind (which is LOADED with fiber), you will poop the biggest poop, although perhaps not in 2 minutes...

godspeed

OMG, I am at work and all this reading about poop is making me have to go, which is the worse place to have to do the deed. I will hold it until I get home, which by that time the feeling will have faded and I will be left feeling bloated! CHEEKS STAY TOGETHER!

Wow, I am right on time with the pooping. Other than an occasional occurance of constipation (usually from dehydration), when I have to go, I usually go in two minutes and not more than six. The boyfriend swears I'm abnormal, but now I know he's the one who has problems as he spends a minimum of 35 minutes "logging off" or "downloading" as we call it here. (Yes, we may even surpass you and Jon is sheer geekiness.)

Coelecanth:

Good to hear things are better for you. A girlfriend of mine came down with colitus in her late teens. She now has Coloscopy bag. :[ Very sad.

I have no advice for you, as I typically poop 3-4 times a day. I get worried if I have only gone twice! But yeah, typically takes an long to poop as it does to pee.

Metamucil, baby. Metamucil.

At least it saved me during my pregnancy.

Some months if I work at it, I can poop every day of the week. Most of the time, I poop about 3 times a week. When I want to stay regular, I eat Oatmeal or RaisinBran for breakfast, have a banana or two, an apple, jamba juice for lunch, coffee somewhere in there, and a regular exercise plan of at least 20 minutes a day for a whole week.

It's so much work though, sometimes I'd rather just crap once a week.

Munchy seeds !

http://www.munchyseeds.co.uk/system/index.html

And lots of water & juice.That and lucky bowels,I'm guessing.

Excue me whilst I go al gushy for a second : I love your blog !

Dear dooce

I’ve been reading you for ages and whenever you talk about constipation, I just go, oh, ow, oh, no, ohmygod, ow. Ow. Because I so, so feel your constipated pain. And when I saw that you had opened poop comments I thought, oh!, oh! ohmygod! oh! Dooce is comfortable sharing her bottom system. Maybe if I share with dooce...

And,so, at great length, this is what has helped me to poop. Every day. Sometimes twice!!!

--Heaps of water, at least two litres a day. Less of a chore if it’s filtered water (those Brita charcoal filter things are good) and / or fruit / herb tea (smoosh up some ginger / lemon / lemongrass, stuff it in a jug and pour a litre of boiling water over it, or tea baggies from the healthfood store are nice too). But you already drink heaps of water!
--Metamucil before meals. Mmmm! Orange fibre pooping thing. Yum. Other fibre supplements, like psylium (sp?) husk in its natural(er) form absorb a lot of water in the bowel, which makes you… yeah. Constipated. Damn. Metamucil seems not to do this. Of course, Metamucil may not work for you, but I reckon fibre supplements are worth experimenting with, if you haven’t already.
--Foods that have a natural laxative effect. Probably different for everyone, so you know, if endame does it for you… eat them beans! For me, chickpeas are good. And loads of fresh green veggies like broccoli. And soft fruit – strawberries, bananas, peaches and stuff. From a tin is fine too. Also garlic and onions. And if all else fails dried fruit – apples, apricots, dates – works really well to um, move poop through my bottom system.
--Caffeine. Deserves an entry all of it’s own. Green tea, black tea, triple strength espresso, diet coke. Whatever. Gulp and let the poop be free. But be sure to combine with the whole loads of water thing, or it can make you a bit dehydrated and, yeah, again, ow, whoops, constipated.
--Eatin in general. When you eats, it starts off a process called peristalsis. As best as I can understand, it’s a series of poop promoting muscle contractions. Your stomach starts squishin’ the foods you’ve just et and your intestines start movin’ the older stuff along down the line. This is why (apparently) dogs need to go poop after they’ve eaten. Again, ymmv, but I’ve noticed I often need to poop after eating, and that eating regularly seems to coincide with pooping regularly. So there you go.
--And I’m sure by now someone will have told you that squatting is the best way to poop? But, um, you can’t squat on a western toilet? And the crazy squat block things to put at the side of that western toilet are just too freakin’ weird? An upside down bucket in front of the toilet, to put your feet on, will put you in a better pooping position. I mean, you don’t have to use a bucket specifically. Obviously. But just something to prop your feet up and help you lift your knees closer to your abdomen which, um, I believe the phrase is, ‘straightens out the anal kink’ and makes for easier pooping. The theory is, the poop isn’t obstructed by your body all bent up inside and so it just... slides out. I’ve found it’s heaps quicker and less painful in that position.
--Also: I’m all for reading. I reckon it stops you straining. So – and here’s an image – take something cool to read, pop your feet up on the bucket and try and relax. I know, I know, trying to relax when your bottom system is backed up is like saying ‘just relax while you write and sob in gut wrenching arse ripping AGONY’ but… try. For me, taking deep breaths from my abdomen works. That and reminding myself that it’s just going to be that much more painful if I don’t relax, so, y’know, I might as well.
--Finally, if you’re really, really, reeeeeally constipated… you might need to, how shall we say? lubricate the passage. So… protect your fingers with something latex and get going with the soothing haemorrhoid cream of your choice. Yes, you do have to stick your finger in.
--Really finally... there’s always an enema. Use sparingly. See above re lubrication.
--No, truly, this is the last thing. Don’t give up. Something, or combination of things, will work for you. And one day you will awake to a glorious new bottom system era of regular poop. Or, at least, poop that’s not agonising gut wrenching arse ripping poop.

My husband eats a bowl of Shredded Wheat with Slim-Fast poured over it instead of milk every morning. He says the reason Slim-Fast helps you lose weight is because it makes you shit so much. He is one champion shitter. Usually he shits twice a day.

i barely pooped once in the 5 years i was in a serious relationship. After the breakup, i pooped easily on a daily basis. go figure. not that i'm advising you to break up;-) Just an anecdote.

take this as a labor of love, since i have just actually documented my disdain for poop talk in my last post on my site. ;) i would rather everyone assume that i never poop at all.

BUT - consider drinking TONS of water and then mentally keep note of when you find it most, er, difficult to go. think of what you ate that day. maybe make a list somewhere. you should eventually be able to eliminate things that exacerbate the problem.

that's the best i can do. now i'm off to my corner to sheepishly pretend that i've never pooped in my life.

I am just coming to the conclusion that it may be time to see the doctor because I drink tons of water, exercise regularly, eat a high fiber diet with only healthy fats and almost no cheese. I love edamame - it's the best TV snack. But I still can't poop. At least not regularly. AND I get bloated. I was happy to read the comment here about Zelnorm, because I have heard from several other people that it changed their lives. I have tried to be all holistic about it - I just want to eat and poop without all the bloat and discomfort.
Thanks for this post! Although I have to say I have poop envy for all the easy poopers out there.

I'm a big fan of coffee and cigarettes for facilitating a 2-6 minute poop. No, it's not healthy, but it works for me and keeps me happy.

My husband also follows the coffee and cigarette routine, but still requires MacWorld or solitaire on his Palm Pilot to amuse him while he's in there for half an hour.

Everybody Poops, but everybody poops differently, I guess.

I think I saw someone else say this, but coffee. I was super, super constipated as a kid, and when I started drinking coffee, it helped loads, so now I need at least two huge cups in the morning or I don't go. Ever.

See, if I miss a designated poop (post-breakfast, pre-lunch), I tend not to go for at least THREE DAYS. At least. And then it's horribly awful, like that passing-out story you told.

So, coffee, and sure as hell not scheduling any meetings during optimum pooping time.

i, too, have problems with poopage. i've been eating a bowl of quaker corn bran squares every morning and i manage to go a teeny bit during coffee break at work.

How do I stay regular?
Ha. Ha ha. I can't remember the last time I was regular.
But then I went about a month without pooping, and trying to start again involved much pain and crying and scared me away from doing that again forever.
So now? If I go more than about 4 or 5 days, I pull out the Fibercon. My little miracle pill. And I spend all day near the toilet, anxiously awaiting the arrival of my poop time.

Oh. Umm, also? Pooping seems easier when my Aunt Flow comes by to visit. So, there's that, too.

Normally a pretty regular girl, I get severely constipated about twice a year. I bloat up and my stomach hurts SO BAD that the pain makes me throw up for about a day. Then the stomach pain goes away, but the bloat moves to my bowels and I can't poop for two or three days. The only time I ever pray is when I fly and during that rare period of constipation. Please, God, let me poop. Please let me poop. I've tried all the toilet positions, and what works best for me is sitting on the toilet like it's a La-Z-Boy.

Anyway, since it's so rare but so painful, each time it happens I try different things, and the "dried plums" seem to work pretty well, and the fiber supplements don't do shit. The praying just makes it worse because when God ignores my pleas, I feel like the pain is punishment from God for my unholy ways.

The best thing in the world (for me, at least) is a few shots of booze at night followed by coffee and a cigarette in the morning. It's worked the last two times and the constipation lasted 24 hours instead of three days. Of course, that isn't the best way to STAY regular, but it helps me every time now.

"Oh, hi, Mom--yeah, I feel much better--haven't thrown up for a few hours...no, I don't need any Pepto, but could you swing by with a bottle of vodka?"

I stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago and I think you are one fucking hilarious girl.

It is amazing how many readers you have. I think I only have one : )

Popcorn, coffee, grapes, or pizza work for me. Actually almost anything does. I'm as regular as a sunset.

Great blog!

Staying regular: I ride my bike to work.

This might work for a couple of reasons:

1. I drink lots of water from my camelbak while I am riding-- staying hydrated seems to help.
2. I ride six miles and have plenty of bumps to loosen things up.

Good luck. I find there have to be several things in place to keep me regular, and my comfort and anxiety levels are definitely key.

Magnesium oxide powder is good - its used for natural "bowel cleansing". It acts by drawing a lot of water into the bowel (out of your bloodstream). You can take a dose that will clean your bowel out entirely... or just smaller doses when things are looking like trouble (and it doesn't generally cause nasty bowel spasms!!) In Australia we give a daily glass of pure pear juice to bed ridden residents in nursing homes - it works a treat.

Oh, Dooce, how I understand... I had to stop going to my beloved summer camp when I was thirteen because in 6 weeks I pooped 6 times (and the last time was the night before I left). I came back with a hemmroid the size of my mess kit and haven't been the same since.

My pooping problems are less about real-life constipation and more absolute refusal to shit in any place I'm not comfortable with. I blame my parents for letting me have my own bathroom when I was little.

Anyway, I have seriously fucked up my arse because of my hang-ups and now have a emergency solution. Anytime I feel a little backed up and bloated, I take Konsil. It's like metamucil, only much better. My crazy proctologist recommended it. For, eh-hem, uncomfortable movements, soothe your bum with Balneol. It's a cream. Unfortunately in my CVS you have to ask for it behind the counter. Why do they do that?

My brother swears that checking his email makes him go. If only; then I'd be on the pot 6 times an hour.

Honestly, I'm almost jealous. I poop all the time. Really. Every time I go to the bathroom (upward of 10 times a day due to excessive drinking of water), I poop. Every single time! And occasionally, just to make it that much better, my diarehea gets constipated. I know, you're all thinking that that is a contradiction of terms, but you have never lived in my body. My god, the pain somedays. I actually poop so much, it occasionally bleeds. I envy you all.

Holy crap, Batman, who knew so many people were just bursting to talk about their poop?

I've done most of the suggestions here and my belief is that some people just have a messed up 'bottom system'. My husband says that I violate the laws of physics by being able to eat high fiber, healthy meals and drink tons of water and still go two freakin' weeks with no action.

Zelnorm did work the way nothing ever worked for me (Colace and Citrucel did nothing.) I actually was normal for a while on Zelnorm and it was lovely. Unfortunately, for me, it stopped working after a while and now I've stopped taking it. The doctor said she's heard that from other people and it might work again after a break. I hope.

Now I try to get by with Uncle Sam cereal and strong coffee right when I wake up. I am still not normal, though. Maybe I never will be.

And I am a pretty mellow human being, so the 'just relax' advice makes me think, dude, somethin' ain't right about my ass - my head is doing fine!

My mother swears by Trim-maxx tea -- not for weight loss, but for speedy evacuation of problem bowel. See URL.

I know you're got to throw pop tarts at me, but I've never been constipated but once and I was pregant. Coffee,greasy breakfast food..ie bacon, eggs, things with butter--makes things um...slide out easier. Lastly cheap beer does it to me everytime, as in cheap I mean, bud, coors, miller anyone of those and the next day the bathroom is my second home. Think of it, you can drink and take poops--come on two great things in life.

where i come from 'to drop a deuce' means to perform the #2 bodily function. If it's a big one we say, 'i dropped a double-deuce!' funny, that you're the dooce that cannot deuce!

i offer up the coffee enema.

it's uncomfortable but i'll be darned if it doesn't work.

and being a mormon i didn't drink coffee, but my doctor wanted me to drink a cup every morning to encourage things along, with the enema once a week.

when i protested drinking the coffee because of my religious proclivities, she sighed wrote me a prescription for the daily cup o' joe and said 'here sweetie, give this to your bishop.'

when things get stopped up too badly, this is the regimen i return to.

We call em' deuce too. We call mini deuces, deutens.

Ugh. I hate prune juice... and even those "orange essence dried plums" make me sick.

I am a spicy-food addict, but pooping jalapenos can be really painful.

I am not regular, but not as bad off as what you have described. However, from time to time I get those episodes where I actually think I am going to die because of the intense pain in my bowels. I have fainted and nearly-fainted while I try to poop to eliminate the pressure and burning sensation. But fortunately those are rare.

(Oh, and Leah - that is what happens to me: it is tough to get started, but then it is very wet when it starts coming out.)

My man is a 45-minute pooper. That 6 minute rule is hilarious!

Wow, so many comments in such little time: that in itself should validate that this blog is read and enjoyed by many. Especially terrific that we are all willing to talk about poop. :)

I too used to be a once every 5 day pooper. When I became a vegetarian I became a multi-a day pooper. Jealous? I think Edemame has alot to do with it! While I was pregnant I craved chicken and ate it and had a few times of delayed poop enough to scare me right back into my vegetarian diet!
Good luck with the pooping!

Trust me. 'Reconvene the procedure' butt at the other point of entry. It works.

This must be horrible for you all.

If you have not already considered food allergies I would try eliminating one food at a time and look for improvement - you will probably have luck with removing milk or wheat. Those are the most likely offenders.

There are also allergy elimination therapies out there that can help you to be able to eat those foods again without the resulting constipation. I have had incredible results for other problems. Check out www.naet.com

Good luck!!

I love the six minute rule!! I live with ALL MEN, well two big ones and 3 little ones, who all LIVE in the bathroom! I have to pound and beg for my turn in the loo.

I have absolutely no idea - I think a lot of it is down to luck and/or horoscopes.

All I do know is that whenever we run out of toilet paper I REALLY wanna go!

Poop seems like such a TMI topic, heh. Am I regular? ahahahaha. alas, no. No regular pooping for me. Pregnancy only makes it worse. Things I've tried with varying degree of success in the past..
several glasses of the purple grape juice (I love the stuff, but can't drink it unless I *want* to poop, because it seems to liquify the entire "bottom system" and not in a pleasant manner, but more in a searing acidic sludge manner)

wine- red wine in particular- seems to cause poopage the next day (something which I have refrained from trying while pregnant).

A couple mugs of hot cocoa almost always get things moving within a day or two. I've gone through a LOT of cocoa in the last several months.

Spicy, greasy food seems to help move things along, but the accompanying bloat and intestinal cramping and pain doesn't seem worth it.

As for only taking 2-6 minutes to poop. Obviously I am in the Constipated group, because usually I'm in there at least 15 minutes if it's a good day, and much much longer if it is not a good day.

Good luck with the pooping!

Molasses in warm water makes me poop. And the library. If I'm desperate, I go to the library for a while.

Amazing. Uncanny, even. 125+ comments about poop (or lack thereof).

You should open up the comments more often, Heather. I enjoyed reading the comments here almost as much as your posts (which I really enjoy reading). You should think about writing a book on the various methods posted here about getting the ol' plumbing to work.

Used to be, I'd poop every two or three days, and my husband would poop regularly after every meal. After a year on Atkins (actually, it happened well before we hit the one-year mark), we're both once-a-day type of folks.

I think someone commented earlier about laying off sugar, and everyone mentions drinking lots of water, and I think that could be what did it for us. It's amazing how many things in our diet have sugar in them, and we don't even realize it.

In the midst of the most hard-core part of the diet, we both got way constipated. But then we started taking flaxseed pills once a day, and it fixed us up right. Now we only have to take them if we're having... issues.

Those damn sugar-free chocolates with sugar alcohols will make you go like a mofo, too. It's like getting a trick with your treat. The Hershey's sugar-free miniatures are especially good for that.

But, yeah. I'm happy to have regular, healthy poops every day after I come home from work and my husband has just left for work himself. Or sometimes, right when I get up in the morning.

Dried apricots make me poop like a goose.

My poor daughter was so constipated as toddler that I had to give her a bottle of Citrucel and a tablespoon of mineral oil every day. She's doesn't require this anymore, but her poop still looks like pebbles. Poor kid.

I never, ever write about this on my blog, because I grew up in a house where poop wasn't discussed. Especially *MY* poop problems. Just. Not. Done.

I've had irritable bowel syndrome since I was a baby. Probably since I was a fetus, if there were a way to tell such a thing.

A couple of months ago, I went a little over 2 weeks without a poop. I gained 6 pounds. I fully expected to wake up one morning to find my colon stomping up and down my street, wearing a sandwich board reading "Hell no, I won't go!"

I went to the doctor.

She suggested Metamucil wafers.

And thanks to the magic wonder that is Metamucil wafers, my colon and I are now on speaking terms again. Granted, we will probably never be the best of friends, but I don't think there's any danger of another two week strike.

Don't let anyone tell you not daily is not normal. If you feel okay don't worry about it. Otherwise get psyllium from some place cheap like Trader Joe's and take it w/ lots of water everyday. The only thing the doctors say is to notice if you have sudden bizarre changes in your normal poopage. So pay attention! :)

Anxiety gets me constipated big time....stress upsets my stomach...I just can't win. I just have to bare with it until it passes. My husband on the other hand...king of poops...but he has crohns disease..he did have surgery so doesn't need meds (thank god)...but now poops at least 6 times a day...and always under 3 minutes. He wouldn't know a hard poop if it stared him in the eye!

By the way, I find gripe water helps me, at least gets rid of the gassyness. Not sure if you get it in Utah, but it's plentiful in Canada!

I am fairly regular, so I don't have any advice to give. But I just couldn't resist leaving a comment with the word POOP in it.

Dump (no pun intended) several packets of hot cocoa mix into a large cup of strong coffee.

My old roommate Jodi always said she had patented what she called "Lean Back Technology." Lots of people lean forward, some people even rest their head on their knees, when they're attempting to poop. But the primo pooping position is actually to sit on a toilet like it's a chair and lean back (yes, I know the back of a toilet usually isn't something you want to be leaning on, but trust me, your pooping will usually work better if you lean back).

OMG. This is MY KIND OF SITE. Poop on, friends! (Note the comma.)

As someone who gets diarrhea with enough frequency that I know how to spell "diarrhea", I've found it's in my best interest to STAY AWAY from anything that says "Chocolate Liquor" on the label. Soy Delicious Chocolate Obsession Soy Ice Cream will always prompts an episode of Bathroom Boogie for me.
(http://www.turtlemountain.com/products/purelydecadent.html)
I put in another vote for fresh pineapple... especially if it isn't very ripe.

Six minutes?? So I'm guessing three days is too long to wait then?

Here's my 'Constipation Chronicle' story. Several months ago I had a 30 minute totally embarrassing constipation episode at work where I thought I was gonna die...after I passed out.

So I asked one of my close co-worker buddies for ideas (she used to be an RN and was 6 mos pg at the time) and she recommended Flax Seed Oil gel pills. I take 2 in the am, 2 at night, and haven't had a problem since.

Life is so much better these days!

Having nothing to say about poop, let me offer some advice about how to deal with the flu, if you get it.

1) Go to your doctor and make him/her give you some Profen Forte DM. These 12 hour pills have a walloping 90mg of pseudophedrine in them. (Remember, they can make meth out of pseudophedrine pills. If you take them at night, you won't sleep. :-) Your doctor can also prescribe cough syrup with codeine, and nasal spray, both good things.

2) Buy the softest nasal tissues you can find. Buy some Kleenex stock while you're at it.

3) Coffee contains a natural decongestant. Per my brother. Is it true? Who cares. Drink lots.

4) If you can't hear because your head is so stopped up, remember, this has its uses. Especially if you're married.

The virus I got took a week for the major ickies to subside, and my head is still congested a 1/2 week later.

Best advice: Get a flu shot, if you can, *before* you get the flu!

Dried apricots. Or Frappuccinos.

To make sure I poop a few times a week I visit my local starbucks for a crappooccino, I mean a frappuccino and a banana bran muffin. The only downside is that I have to poop at work. I HATE pooping at work.

Two words for you VITAMIN C. My daughter has poop problems to such an extent that I thought someone had sealed her butt with cement and hung yellow "do not cross this line" tape as a warning to any excrement that might try to escape. Here is the link to the land of regularity. Don't take more than a teaspoon or you will be doing the clinched butt-cheek dance. It has no adverse side effects, and is not toxic if you over-do it. Put some in a glass of juice as your daily regimen, and as Scarlett O'Hara said "As God as my witness, you'll never be poopless again."

And may I take a moment to kvetch here. I know it's not my site so I have no right to be bossy but PEOPLE, if she WANTED your advice/comments about her posts she would open up the comments. SEE? LIKE THIS! Stop cluttering the daily photo comment section; you're harshing my mellow. Thank you, that is all.

Kittens are best in roly poly pudding...but they are pretty yummy with sweet hot mustard.

Seriously coffee and melon keep me regular.

Metamucil is highly recommended by the Upper Canada Lower Bowel Society. Yup, there is actually such a group.

I eat a high fibre diet, lots of vegetables, I drink stupid amounts of water and limit my cheese... everything you're supposed to do. I DEPEND on coffee. Still, I am always excited when I poop, which isn't nearly often enough.

When I was pregnant with my son, I was often desperate enough to drink prune juice that I warmed in the microwave. Good for a gag n' go.

More cowbell.

Seriously, any of those foods with artificial fats, like olestra (anal leakage anyone?), but watch out, the result gas is seriously toxic.

Also, being a sweet freak, I've noticed that LOTS of sugar and artificial sweeteners tend to have a laxative effect.

I suspect I may have IBS because I flip-flop from the Clench-Cheeked Poop Sprint, to the 4th-day-with no-action-and-I-can-no-longer-fit-in-any-of-my-pants-dear-lord-someone-help-me-birth-this-battleship-poop constipation.

What can be added? Oh, dear. Spinach. Spinach is actually BAD; too much poop! And it's GREEN! And the classic coffee. My boyfriend works for Starbucks, which means we get free Starbucks, which means we're REALLY regualr around here. Only the boys (even the little one) still take a half an hour. You haven't lived till you've noticed that your eight year old hasn't been around for a while, yell for him, and hear a muffled "I'm doing number two!" from the loo. Priceless.

I second whoever said hundreds of comments ago that Kashi made them poop. I eat about a cup of Kashi Heart to Heart at work as a snack, and I poop when I get home. It usually works until my poopster goes on the fritz... then who knows, the thing has its own agenda. Poop! (I just had to write it once more.)

My breakfast cereal has the word BOWEL in it. Surprisingly, it doesnt taste like ass. I poop constantly.

I'm gonna send you an oversized package too. As soon as I find something exciting to put in it.

In the event of emergency there is always Waffle House Hashbrowns All The Way.....if that mixture of grease and chili doesn't do the trick nothing will...corse that tip is only good in the south (but I'm sure there is a greasy spoon resturant some place in every town)

This is only a last ditch effort in the event that NOTHING else works.

I, uh, just eat fiber. To poop. And drink water. Nothing special.

Marinating the kitten for a few hours before consumption helps keep a lot more moisture in, and will probably help contribute to regular bowel movements. If you're a girl-on-the-go however, just stop at your local Mobil gas station for a small coffee and you'll be clamoring for the nearest bathroom before your first sip.

I have to agree with the 'ol coffee and a smoke. I only smoke one cigarette daily (NOW how many of you hate me?!)and that is why...so I can bend one around the old U pipe every day without issue.
But, for those nasty clogs, try a daily dose of mineral oil. Or molasses. My folks have had WAY too much luck pooping with those two items. Or try cat food. It sure as hell works for my DOG!(and maybe lay off the kittens since hair does not digest. Or maybe just try coughing up some fur balls...?)Poop on! sister.

Bran muffins every day for breakfast. Every day.

Psyllium husk powder mixed with pure cranberry juice and a splash of water.

And coffee and cigarettes.

I poop almost every day. I started this habit years ago when I'd wake up and stagger straight to the computer. The computer chair acts as an ass stimulant like nothing else. Run to bathroom. I'm done before your average person can even choose a magazine to read.

One word for the terminally constipated - Colonic Irrigation...okay that's two...

This is necessary for the poop challenged among us. The colonic irrigation specialist my partner sees every so often tells this horrific story...that after John Wayne died they weighed his bowels and found they weighed more than 45 pounds in weight. Apparently that much fecal matter had built up over the years.

Being constipated can cause a build up over time and a series of colonic irrigation treatments will help to remove this build-up.

Incidentally, I am still gathering the courage for my first visit. Maybe I should just get out the garden hose...

Yeah, pooping problems here too. I get a stomach ache every morning. Then, hopefully, I poop. If I dont, stomach ache continues. My fiance says I poop more than anyone he knows. The problem is, its ROCK SOLID. And it HURTS! And yes, I too have hemorriods. Oh the pain! And the embarassment of showing your ass to your doctor. So I try to eat high fiber foods. And 2 glasses of Metamucil a day helps as well... Sucks ass. Literally.

*Anything* from McDonald's (before they started selling healthy stuff)... Goes right through ya.

I want to know why so many folks (my wife and two dogs, for instance) are obsessed with daily poopage. Is it really that important? I go when my butt tells me to - usually a couple times a week - yes, with a MacWorld - and I'm never in discomfort about it. If I'm on the can more than once in a day, it's usually after some of those special stomach pains. Poop.

Ok, I have a confession. I was one of those annoying people who emailed a suggestion to you, Dooce. Sorry. But I was just so gosh darn excited to see someone making it FUNNY!
But I thought others looking here for suggestions might find this helpful:
I am totally with you on the constipation. I have been to several docs, tried all the holistic solutions, eaten fiber till I practically vomited, all to no avail. Public toilets are right out, as are the squatters--I live in Japan and whenever I try to go in those my legs go numb!
Anyway, what works for me:
every night at bedtime, take 1 gelcap of liquid magnesium, 400mg and 1 gelcap of Surfak, 240mg with water. This has the advantage of constantly lubing up your bottom system without the nasty effects of laxatives and fiber. According to my doc, it is not addictive and has no ill effects. Sometimes I poop every other day, sometimes only once or twice a week, but this makes sure that no matter when I poop, it's tolerable!
Good luck to everyone with broken bottoms!!

the magic word is 'sugar.'

I ate this butter pecan french toast on vacation in Georgia which had to have been made with approximately 47 pounds of sugar. To keep myself from getting instant diabetes, I guzzled like 4 liters of water immediately after I ate the french toast. Within 2 hours the urge to go #2 was so extremely pressing (literally) that I *RAN* to the nearest bathroom where I gave birth to a giant sugar baby. That poop was so big, in one piece, it was a good 12-incher for sure. The poop of my lifetime. The poop of twelve lifetimes. The answer is sugar.

Ooops, and poop.

Er... mmmmmmmmmmm, poop.

Your posts make me very grateful for my well oiled bottom system.

Of course I still want to play by your rules so ...

POOP!

Licorice is your friend.
Flax.
Also, stewed prune... er, dried plums. Stew a bunch, put them in the fridge and eat chilled - quite nice. Add a bit of milk and they become yummy (it's a traditional Danish dessert - I suspect the reticence we seem to be know for causes constipation on a national level).
Lastly - develop lactose intolerance and you will always have a handy cure. When I have pooping problems, my last resort is a half glass of milk and within 20 minutes, off I go. ;)

I had no experience with constipation until my toddler had it. She gets it every once in a while and there is nothing sadder than seeing her try to poop and then get red-faced and start to cry because it hurts so much. I read all your poop posts with great empathy (or is it sympathy? I can never remember which is which) because of having to watch that sad spectacle. Usually we just give her a lot of apple juice and it clears itself up in a few days. I hope for her sake and based on your descriptions that it doesn't last into her adult life!

I don't know how I stay regular as I'm pretty unregular (once every 3 days) and my husband goes TWICE a day but the internet told me not to stick a pencil up my baby's butt to get the poop out.

So don't stick a pencil up your butt.

Move to Canada. We're all regular poopers up here.

Oh my word, all this time I've been thinking the weird bookstore/library thing was my unique freakiness. Seriously, how much of a dork do I have to be that visiting a place with lots of books makes my body so excited my bowels loosen? I have never taken a trip to Powell's City of Books in Portland without pooping there. NEVER. And usually within the first five minutes.

I'm not very regular normally, so after I figured out this bookstore cause-and-effect, I have actually been known to visit a bookstore if I haven't pooped in too long. Works like a charm.

Oh, and the leaning back on the toilet thing, too. Good trick.

Thanks, internet, for helping me find other freaks like me: the Laid-Back Bookstore Poopers.

Of course, visiting the bookstore may not actually be a common remedy for constipation, now that I think about it, so my comments are basically useless.

On the other hand, maybe you could make it work for you, too. Never know what might get the poop moving...keep hope alive!

I wish I could give some great words of wisdom about poop, but alas I have none. I myself have no constipation problems, actually the opposite. As I run to the bathroom for the 4th time, I often wish I were even slightly constipated. God forbid I eat something when I'm not at home... it means a trip to the bathroom in 20 minutes or less.

Meanwhile my boyfriend spends 20-30 minutes on the toilet. He says he doesn't want to "push" because he might have a stroke or get a hernia. Because the death rate from pooping are extremely high, you know.

Anyhow, YAY for comments!!!

I've had four comments.

Four.

You write "poop", and in 6 hours you get 230.

Shit.

Dooce, I wanted to say, you are such a great person! You always make me laugh and I love what you do here. That being said I am going to watch Office Space and snuggle with my Mrs. Best wishes to you and John and little Leta.

I have a combination of chronic diarrhea which sometimes goes on for months and then suddenly I can't poop if my life were to depend on it. It's caused by a combination AIDS, HIV medication and being allergic to wheat. You would be so amazed to know how many foods contain some form of wheat. In any event I take pills daily to stop the diarrhea and then suddenly, before I realize it's time to stop those pills, everything gets stopped up and leads to one of those "mother fucking poops of all time" about which you wrote. It gets quite confusing. My friends can usually tell which stage I'm in...during the diarrhea stage I have a nice fit, flat stomach with decent abs but during the constipation stage I look slightly pregnant, which, being a man, isn't particularly flattering. The one saving grace in all of this is that my friends and I are all in our 40s and talking about pooping/non-pooping is perfectly acceptable after dinner conversation.

I know this is totally not helpful...but there you go.

Usually pretty regular, compared to the two men I live with. But now that I'm pregnant and can't use alcohol right now (yes, that always helps it slide right out the next morning)...All Bran and Smooth Move tea. Watch out for the tea - it takes about 24 hours for me but when it works, IT WORKS. Raisins work on the 2-yr-old constipated male, and anxiety is the only thing that works on the 42-yr-old constipated male.

College food.

My husband is a man and HE poops in less than a minute.

But that's only because he doesn't want to miss whatever he's watching on tv.

So I can only suggest finding a program you REALLY like watching. It might not bring on a bowel movement, but it could help them go more quickly.

Errr, I think I´m getting sick!

I can't believe only one person mentioned "recovening the procedure" in the back door. That might sound nasty, but I swear that works. Poop

I have IBS, otherwise know as Irritable Bowel Syndrome. While some people with IBS suffer from constipation, I am NOT one of them. My problem is constipation in reverse.

Diarrhea! Cha, Cha, Cha!!!

Let me tell you, I’d much rather deal with a clogged up poop shoot than one that gushes and spurts like a wild water ride at Disneyland. There’s nothing like sitting in a meeting at work when suddenly electrically charged spasms tear through your entire bottom system. Knowing you have less than sixty seconds to excuse yourself from the group of coworkers, you sprint to the nearest bathroom squeezing tight the muscles in every single part of your body…as if clinching your toes until they nearly pop off is going to stop the inevitable water works. Of course, once you reach the bathroom the squad of office skank whores are lingering in there reapplying their makeup and telling each other how pretty they are. It’s humiliating to sprint into a stall then trying to drop your drawers before the show starts. Believe me if anyone else happens to be in the bathroom when this begins, they are not going to stick around for long. Once I hit the toilet the contents of my intestine are violently pushed forth while I quiver and gasp at the horrible pain of the stomach acids and undigested food tearing it’s way out of my system. Usually, the gas that accompanies these episodes is comparable to a slaughterhouse in mid-July. Just a little something extra to add to your shame as you lie on the floor in a limp, soggy heap.

If I watch what I eat and take my sweet little blue pills everyday, I can cut down the occurrences to only a few times a month. I really feel for poor Sunday who wrote in about her Crone Disease and the lovely Dumping Syndrome. Not to say that I don’t sympathize with you too, Dooce…pooping problems are bad for everyone!

245 comments about poop!! Is that a record?

I am halfway through these comments, and frightening as this is to admit, I am actually finding it hard to stop reading about people's pooping habits.

Hi Heather, there's bound to be some good advice here in the comments already. Just wanted to drop a note that I'm a fan of your work. Cheers to you!

SEVEN MINUTES??? I'm gutted. I just said, "how can I tell Dooce that?" and he replied that he was only that quick thanks to the pepperoni on his pizza last night.

So, now you know. Pepperoni.

All this talk of poop... and nobody has mentioned toilet paper... so we all know that America poops... but do you guys fold or scrunch? I would love to do a poll on whether the constipated ones fold... and the teflon pooping people scrunch...

By the Way.. thats the official terminology for those speedy poops - "teflon coated"
Even more mysterious is the phantom poop.. it comes out so fast that you don't even know whether you have done it or not.. you have to check the superbowl to verify it's existance.

i read on the toilet, too. i don't think there have been many times where i finished in - what was it? - like, 6 minutes.. and i am a happy camper if i get to do it twice within four days. oh, and i fold. but i don't know if that counts for the poll, 'cause i'm german and in germany.. wishing you "good poop" ;o)

This will go down as the biggest discussion online about pooping (or lack of it).

I have to agree with Sherman... I think he was way back on comment 35 or something. I think that my lifetime's supply of therapy is what has helped me get regular.

I was a constipated little kid. And I mean seriouly constipated - I had the poop that came out like little rocks, after hours of crying on the toilet. My constipation was much to the confusion of my mother, who never ever fed us pop tarts, cheetos, or anything unhealthy. That woman seriously made her own tofu and ground her own whole wheat flour, so there is no way that my childhood constipation was caused by my diet. And then I went away to college and ate terrible cafeteria food and I have been totally regular since then.

So I'm just saying that it isn't always food. I can't guarratee that it's the 22 years of therapy either. I don't know what it is. But my point is not to listen to the people who give you a hard time about your diet, because sometimes, it is something else entirely.

I had to tell you that I truly enjoy your blog. I suffer from IBS with a d/c combo which has resulted in a chronic fissure. Dear Girl, be careful. I do not know how to end constipation, but I do know that it can result in one of these guys! It's agony...I wanted to also say I loved your post someone else's ass....oh how I could relate to that one! peace out

I'm sure you've done this, but I thought I'd add my $0.02 (or less, I'm Canadian!).

Have you had your thyroid tested? Just a thought.

wendy's chili (large size) and apple cider. I am 7 months pregnant, works like a charm.

I have NO idea what to tell you about constipation because I'm regular (I'm sorry) but my husband says that your book LIES and there is NO WAY IN FREAKIN'HELL it can be good for you to poop in less that two minutes.

Hee Hee.

The key to regularity is FRUIT, and plenty of it. The water and fibre content render it more advantageous than vegetables for prime poopage (although veggies are important, too). Eat at least 2 pieces of fruit per day, and better yet 3 or 4, and you'll see results.

I never actually thought about it as 'keeping regular', which I find interesting. Maybe I'm just lucky?

Anyway, I drink water. Lots of water. Which may keep me regular but is equally annoying because of the miles I log on my pedometer tromping to the washroom to *pee*.

Final note: I always heard that people who spend ages on the throne with their reading material or crosswords have problems with 'roids. Is that true? Anyone?

CULTURELLE, which has eliminated my CONSTANT gassiness and bloating (ever since I was a child, NO MATTER WHAT I ate), may also help nurture a gastrointestinal tract which tends to be constipated.
poop
I just love to preach the word of Culturelle--it has set me free!
google it

By bank statement does it for me. Everytime I see it, it scares the sh*t out of me!

1) I think coffee keeps me regular. I haven't really begun to read all the other comments, but I did catch a glimpse of one that mentioned a coffee enema?! Anyway, that's not what I mean...I just mean drinking a cup of coffee every day (and decaf seems to work nearly as well as full strength) keeps everything moving. I do like mine pretty strong, so I don't know if that makes a difference. I do know when my own sanity is in a bad place (another PPD survivor here) caffeine definitely tends to be something I want to avoid; if that's true for you too, stick with the decaf! Within 30-60 minutes, the poop should be moving.

2)Men don't read on the toilet because they need to. Any man who tells you that is lying because they are protecting an ancient secret, which is...they KNOW (as women do, once we become moms) that it's the one place they can go without being interrupted, so they get a little reading in while they're in there. Of course, this doesn't work as well for moms, because kids tend to pound on the door while you're in there, if not insist on coming in with you. But. Basic idea still applies.

Dried apricots. Works a treat..

Just one minute is all I need.

Some people go to the restroom, sit on the toilet to wait?

Try going when you really need to.

I think I have the opposite problem - I poop too much. Especially when I eat a huge bowl of cherries. I start getting the tummy rumbles and then it's a mad dash to the pooper.

And now that I have read (or at least skimmed) the rest of the comments, let me validate some other ideas!

1)Greasy food and rich desserts: For me, specifically Long John Silvers or a hot fudge sundae will do it. Even better is a large anything from DQ that includes hot fudge (Peanut Buster Parfaits are EXCELLENT). I will have to try that brownie earthquake when I get closer to my due date. I will add the caveat that these things usually give me *diarrhea*, but for someone irregular, perhaps it will simply get things moving.

2) Bookstores/libraries: What IS that? I've always noticed when I'm browsing when shopping anywhere, but particularly around books, I suddenly have to go. I think it's because bookstores and libraries are my favorite places in the world, so I'm at my most relaxed when I'm at those places.

3) I only just thought of this one, and no one else mentioned it, and I don't understand it myself, but *organizing* really makes me have to poop. Or reading about organizing. Flylady's website (www.flylady.net) is a great place to start. I have no idea why organizing gets things moving.

4)Asian squattie potties: YES! I lived in China for three years, and though I had the regular Western johns in my living quarters, I never had better poops (that is, more efficient) than when I was squatting over a public toilet or a friend's house. Another plus: your bottom doesn't have to touch anything!! This is especially great with the public toilets. If we ever build our own house, I may just see about getting a squatty installed in the master bedroom.

And now I'm wondering if this topic will get more comments than the one about what people call their bottom systems?

coffee! and taking the dogs for a walk (watching them poop makes me need to do the same)

One word: Senokot.

Best little pills the drug lords ever made...next to prozac.

Sorry I should say "Next to prozac...and the almighty epidural"!

Oh, and here..."Poop".

ok - I know there are 293 comments about pooping already (oh and I see my suggestion and can't stop typing) BUT I need to put in my two cents... ground flax seeds added to ANYTHING - cereal, yogurt, in baking, sprinkled on toast with you pb... has that omega stuff too and, trust, it does the trick, and then some.

happy pooping!

Endame is good, high fibrous.

Al D'Amato, former scion of New York, used to say that a big pot of tea and a bowl of chicken soup cleaned him out.

My mother has a specific southern recipe, and as you know, those always work:

Eat an orange AND the peel (you can scrape the wax off). Alternately, eat an apple, core, seeds, and all.

Also, for when Leta is old enough, a southern cold recipe that also works:

Cut up an onion and a lemon or two. Boil until it's a pulpy mess. Strain, add sugar. Disgusting. Cures any cold. Also, sort of, constipation.

I come from a Mixed Pooping Line, a pooping mut, if you will. My mother's side of the family are once a week poopers. My dad's however, are several times per day for 30 mintues poopers. So here I am, sigh, having the urge to poop a few times per day, yet, no poop comes out because the side that controls the urge is my dad's, but the side that controls the output is my mom's.

Have you ever seen a goat poop? They open a little trap door in thier little hairy pucker and dump out little poop pellets. That's usually what I feel like the times I am actually successful, a goat pooper.

Just last week, my husband gave me a Shredded Wheat for a week challenge to get me moving - oh, he poops nonstop. He is always ready for two things, pooping and sex and if he can do them one after the other, my god, they joy! So I did that, and it took 4 days to get things moving, but the agony I was in just hardly seemed worth it. So I'm back to being a goat pooper.

Diet helps a little, but I have found that the biggest change came when I realized that I could no longer be a pooping location snob. If the urge strikes, GO. I know so many people who refuse to poop anywhere but home. I don't have that luxury if I want to have any kind of regularity and comfort, the mall, work, friend's house, during delivery, take your pick.

Fortunately, my three beautiful children seem to have completely inherited my husbands pooping mechanisms, whew! Maybe they will hook up with regular poopers some day and create a new line of pooping purebreds.

I've never been regular, and it bothers my mother more than me. I've gotten to the point in my life where I go when the turtle head starts poking out. I probably go 2-3 times a week, but it only takes a couple of minutes or so (see: turtle head reference above). I don't have any great remedies, but I can tell you some things that seem to make my pooper sit up and take notice:

1. Libraries and bookstores
2. Supermarkets and Sam's Club
3. Being at work - there is nothing like having to poop around your coworkers - my trick to disguise the splash of my nuggets is to lay toilet paper in the bottom of the toilet, crosswise over each other, to create a cushion.
4. Saturdays, particularly when my husband and I are driving around looking at houses. I inevitably get the urge when we are nowhere near a bathroom.
5. Stress. When I am stressed, I get IBS symptoms - I've had instances of poop so horrible I can't quiet my whimpers of pain and I hope and pray no one can hear me (thankfully, I haven't had one of these episodes in a long time). I almost fainted at Busch Gardens once when one of these episodes happened. And sadly (and I can tell you all this because I know you will understand), I once pooped my pants because I couldn't make it to a toilet in time (I was driving on a highway), and it just wouldn't wait. Man, did I cry on the way home after that - how embarrassing!

Thanks, Dooce, for opening the comments and letting me see I am not the only one with poop problems!