Detox
I've been throwing up, off and on, here and there, for a little over three weeks now, and although I'd love to report that I'm pregnant with cute little monobrowed babies, because that's seriously what I'd love to report, I have to confess, sadly, that I'm not pregnant.
I am so not pregnant that my biological clock refuses to talk to me anymore. She used to wake me up in the in the middle of the night and say, hey, it's me again, where are the babies? And I'd say, girlfriend, tell me about it!
Now my biological clock ignores me. I hate her.
I hate that I can't blame her for the nausea, although I'm pretty sure I can blame her for craving those goddamn French fries. What is it with the goddamn French fries? They're like orgasms, only more starchy.
So my doctor told me that if I wanted to lead a more active lifestyle I should switch depression medications. Crazies like me, crazies who have to pop a pill everyday to connect certain chemicals in the brain, have few options when it comes to stopping the insanity. We can:
1) ignore that weird "sad" feeling
2) do what my father once suggested and just be happy, for crying out loud
3) overeat in hopes of drowning the sorrow
4) pray real hard that, like, God will make all the bad thoughts go away (this involves having your entire family pray real hard as well, particularly out loud at the dinner table when guests are in attendance)
5) shut the fuck up and try the meds already
Seven years ago on the brink of dropping out of college I finally tried number five, and folks, if there's any evidence that medicating an illness might actually medicate the illness, whether the illness be asthma, diabetes, or (gasp) depression, your beloved Dooce is living proof that science is a wonderful, wonderful thing. My hair color is also good proof, but that's another post entirely.
Unfortunately I've been taking the medication with the worst documented side effects, the nadir of which is fatigue. I'm a tired motherfucker, all the motherfucking time.
The co-worker who's asleep in the car? That's me. The co-worker asleep in a ball under her desk? Me. The co-worker with the snooze bruises on the side of her forehead in the shape of those zig-zag tiles on the floor in the bathroom? That'd be Dooce.
So here I am, seven years later, 2,557 pills later and I'm attempting to switch. At least, that's what the doctor called it, switching. I'd like to call it Re-enacting that Scene from Trainspotting. You know the scene, the one where the dead baby is crawling across the ceiling and Renton is all, oh god, oh god, please, please, make it stop, and the walls and bedspread are all 1978 and he's really sick but still really, really cute.
I'm looking at that dead baby right now. It's crawling across the ceiling and its rigor-morted head is twitching from side to side and it's getting closer and closer and I'm like, please, this is so not fair, Ewan McGregor at least got paid to go through this.
And you know the worst part? The worst part isn't the constant urge to puke my spleen out my nose, or the itching, or the dizziness, or admitting that this is really fucking hard.
The worst part is throwing up chocolate pudding. I really liked chocolate pudding.
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FM Living
bronwyn said:
i love the feel-good feeling of meds. only i'm the silly one that feels oh so good and thinks 'yeah! i'm fixed' and goes off them and suddenly one morning it jumps up and bites me in ass and i'm crying at hallmark ads... i envy your commitment. get better soon.
10.24.02 - 03:18 PM / 1mule rider said:
I feel your pain sister- I was on anti depressants for about 6 years and the one i was on was like knock out drops- it was make sure you brushed your teeth and had no need to be vertical for nine hours or you were fucked. Changing meds is hard as hell, you have my sympathy. The family prayer circle sounds like a little slice of hell, but what I really want to know is, was it Kozy Shack chocolate pudding- 'cause that'd be a damn shame.
10.24.02 - 03:39 PM / 2spike said:
love the post dooce.
hate to hear you're going through baby crawling on ceiling symptoms.
10.24.02 - 03:43 PM / 3Sarah said:
... and I, after four years on personality in pill form, have been advised to "up it." That's sensitive, yet knows-me-too-well-to-mince-words psychiatrist speak for "you're nowhere near normal. Let's medicate!" My advice? Go with the switch, but never give up the French Fries. Those little spud sticks are what dreams are made of.
10.24.02 - 03:47 PM / 4shauna said:
such a bloody rollercoaster on those things, trying to find the right one. hope you have better luck after the switch. and you write so brilliantly about it, good on you :)
10.24.02 - 05:35 PM / 5aprilgem said:
Don't feel bad about the chocolate pudding; it looks the same whichever way it goes out. On the bright side of things, at least you're puking for a good reason like changing medications. However, if you've switched to jelly bean Chill Pills, then I would guess that the puking is caused by something else entirely, and you might reconsider that biological clock as a prime suspect. In any case, I hope the switch goes well!
10.24.02 - 06:12 PM / 6jimmypage said:
try smoking dope and keep up on those meds. you'll feel right as rain, in no time... soon to follow will be your very own lil-monobrowed baby that just can't get enough miles davis. -jp
10.24.02 - 06:22 PM / 7jennifer said:
I was dubious about switching, but I needed to in case I do get pregnant. Things have changed in the 6 years I was on the oldies and the newies have me right as rain, but, alas, no sex drive. Hard to make babies when you are negative horny. Good luck lovely Dooce.
10.24.02 - 07:05 PM / 8mrpibb said:
Anybody know which antidepressants are safest from a prenatal standpoint? Hope you feel better, Dooce.
10.24.02 - 07:31 PM / 9Naaman said:
One of my friends can no longer "taste" the bubbles in soda thanks to his meds...very odd. In other words, he can't feel the carbonation popping on his tounge.
10.24.02 - 08:11 PM / 10unsanemom said:
Zoloft, (Sertraline, SSRI) is the safest a-d regarding prenatal concerns. My kids look fine anyway.
10.25.02 - 03:01 AM / 11Paula said:
You poor thing. I'm one of those people who has phobias about throwing up, so I completely sympathize. Speaking as someone who has a bunch of stomach ailments, my advice is: Ginger Ale, saltines (carry around with you always), ginger candies from your friendly chinese market and doggie kisses.
10.25.02 - 03:16 AM / 12black b said:
say, dooce, have you thought about trying acupuncture to help you get through this difficult stage? i know the pacific college of medicine offers treatment at lower prices too, as i know it can be a pricey solution...maybe magic needles will make the dead baby go away.
10.25.02 - 03:18 AM / 13ismat said:
Are you sure your father and members of my family weren't in cahoots somehow? Like, telepathically discussing why the hell the damn kids wouldn't just "look on the bright side already?"
10.25.02 - 03:32 AM / 14Heather #2 said:
I'm so sorry you're going through all you described. Whether you believe in it or not, my prayers are with you.
10.25.02 - 03:44 AM / 15rd said:
Huh? What did you say? I think I fell asleep while reading. I'm in the middle of switching mood stabilizers. Zzzzzzzzzzzz
10.25.02 - 04:08 AM / 16ex-liontamer said:
I second Black B's idea about acupuncture. Even though it can be mired in touchy-feely-new-agey-pachouli-covered-muck, it did help with a back problem I had several years ago. Western medicine wasn't cutting it; Darvocet made me ill. After a few sessions, the chronic pain was gone.
10.25.02 - 04:27 AM / 17drew said:
i'm with jimmypage. smoke a joint.
nausea-be-gone.
10.25.02 - 04:27 AM / 18antisocial diva said:
i've been on prozac for awhile now and it works for me. but i also have a thyroid problem which doesn't help the depression issues and, sadly, made me fat which, in turn, didn't help said depression problems.
i understand. i am a sleepy girl all the time. good luck finding the balance you need.
10.25.02 - 05:16 AM / 19Kerry said:
Geez Dooce, I'm sorry. I'm especially sorry if the pudding was homemade...
My favorite thing to throw up has always been cold Pepsi, because it's usually still chilly and carbonated on the way back up.
Also, my anti-depressants gave me hot flashes, and once almost caused me to boot all over my soon-to-be boyfriend.
10.25.02 - 05:18 AM / 20d said:
If you like donuts, I've been told they aren't too bad "the second time around".. you could give it a try. I'd assume they mean the plain ones, not chocolate. :)
10.25.02 - 05:30 AM / 21ex southern babtist said:
Sounds like you have had that virus that everybody else has been having...including me. In the past 2 1/2 weeks I had my share of the porcelain god, trust me.
10.25.02 - 06:03 AM / 22Angelique said:
.... speaking as an-ex prozac taker.... i totally sympathize. during the time when i was on "the'zac", i didn't have a single solid movement. gross. i lost tons of weight and looked very calista. you will be fine. switching meds is tricky, and your doctor may not get it right the first time. kudos to you on your quest.
10.25.02 - 06:54 AM / 23Paul Gutman said:
my sympathies--it sounds vaguely like my migraines, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Just a word of warning on the dope--not that you aren't big folks who can handle their smoke--but I know of some people who went through serious personality changes (for the worse) when combining a-d's with weed.
10.25.02 - 06:57 AM / 24jen said:
you may have tried this one, but Effexor works well if it's a serotonin imbalance. might make you indifferent to the world though.
10.25.02 - 06:57 AM / 25shy said:
you're sexier then ewan. ;)
10.25.02 - 07:23 AM / 26Flipsycab said:
Have you tried Celexa? It's supposed to have the lowest side-effect profile. It worked really well for me when I could afford it!
10.25.02 - 07:33 AM / 27kane said:
Sounds like withdrawl symptoms from weening yourself off Paxil. Have you had an urge to stab anyone lately; more than usual that is?
10.25.02 - 07:56 AM / 28Lynn said:
What's going on here -- is *everybody* here on anti-depressants?! Guess my life ain't as bad as previously thought...
10.25.02 - 07:56 AM / 29Flipsycab said:
Lynn, depression is an epidemic in the U.S. and it's under-reported. You do the math.
Don't mean to sound rude, but I didn't take my meds today.
10.25.02 - 08:02 AM / 30