Penisary Contact With the Volvo
Today's post has nothing to do with that title, it's just I can't get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it's the word "avuncular" or "gesticulatory" or "bukkake Asian facial." Last week I couldn't stop singing The Osmond's "Pine Cones And Holly Berries" from The Osmond Family Christmas.
But the Osmonds have nothing to do with today's post either, although who wouldn't love a hot expletive-laden Osmond blog entry?
I'm going to have "hot expletive-laden Osmond" stuck in my head all day.
Today's post is about my friend Kathy and how it came to pass that I, Dooce, am driving this car in this exact color:
I've written things on this website before, things that have really gotten me into lots of trouble with real people in my life, as opposed to internet people in my life. Like, friends have read things here and been reality-mad at me, not just internet-mad at me, and I'm here to testify that reality-mad is a lot worse than internet-mad.
Reality-mad can cost you your job, for instance, or cause your father to refer to you as "a vile and disgusting creature."
And even though I know these things, that this website had caused oodles of reality-madness, that people I know in reality know about this website and read it and wait for the moment that they recognize themselves in a character on this page, that they have said to me with pained trepidation, Heather, please, for the love of God, don't write about this on your website-thing, I have to comment on this. God wants me to comment on this.
And as I'm sitting here writing this I realize that I can't comment on this and that maybe the reason I've got all this "penisary contact with the volvo" jibberish in my head is because my body is going into automatic self-preservation mode because it knows that the last thing I need right now is more reality-madness.
What do you have stuck in your head?
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
- Our fish just died. And I'm sitting here crying. And it wasn't even my fault!
1. dooce said:
and i just realized that in my head i've been saying ìbukkakeî like ìbu-kottke.î
2. Chuck Cheeze said:
Girl, you need to find a hobby. You think too much about thinking about thinking about things.
3. the husband said:
.org?
4. ex southern babtist said:
Reality mad isn't a nice place to go...neither was my flu shot..ouch
5. Naz said:
Oh lord. Bukkake. At an old place of work, I remember a co-worker replaying over the network a clip, that was exactly Bukkake Asian Facial.
Another thought: with enough mention of bukkake, perhaps your site will come up in google when searched for bukkake.
Lordy.
6. ryan said:
Dooce you got yerself a real banana-boat there!
7. Brooke said:
Oh my god. I just heard that phrase "penisary contact" last night and I can't remember where...the Sopranos? FM nation?
8. Michelle said:
Yuko the Clown tea-bagging Artie.
9. the propagandist said:
is that like the singer, leon bu-kotke?
oops. referenced myself into a corner again.
hey, H, don't worry about it. i talk about CLIENTS on my webpage - and i have ANGRY clients. not just reality-mad, but like "i'm going to blackball you from the industry you prick" mad. that was a fun conversation.
10. Ariel said:
Brooke, it was The Sopranos. I laughed out loud at that line.
11. Jason Bukkake said:
Next you'll be talking about tossing salads and fisting!
Ooo, I do love a tossed salad ever so much!
12. rd said:
CSN's song "Cathedral."
I like that car, in that color.
13. Naaman said:
Wow, you are going to get tons of odd Google referrals to your site... I mostly get songs and the odd things people do on public transit stuck in my head.
14. Heather #2 said:
So, good, you didn't get all caught up in that California traffic thing yesterday - although with that car, I'm sure it's that no one will miss you comin' around a corner. I had to look up penisary on dictionary.com, which of course turned up nothing. So I went to google, which also led to nothing. So I'm left with my imagination, and now that I've written the word several times, I'm thinking my best guest would probably be right. I mean, you can only start a word with "penis" so many times before you start to get it. I mean, not that I'm getting penis, although I'd like to. Well, you know, this would be a good exiting point...
15. nita said:
My curse is the following: "There are no cats in America/and the streets are paved with cheese." It's on an endless loop, and is often accompanied by thoughts of whether mice are allergic to cheese, or if that is a myth.
16. helenjane said:
wow.
i've had the word glitterati in my head for weeks.
weeks.
17. MRK said:
The song -- and the video -- that takes over your life. Before you die, you see the squirrel.
http://www.shynola.com/j_s/j_s_download.htm
18. Glen said:
I have 2 thoughts."Penisary" reminds me of the Celebrity Jeopardy skit on SNL about the "Penis Mightier/Pen Is Mightier"You said the post was about Kathy and why you are driving that yellow car. But it's not. You tease.
19. Corianton said:
"Politely rapacious" - a phrase from David Schmader's one man play Straight.
20. Beerzie Boy said:
I'm not sure if his heart's in the right place, but I know where his head is.
21. jennifer said:
I have also had "bukkake" in my head since jason was muttering about it. I even used it last night as an expletive when I dropped a dish. ie."bukkake! I broke it!"
22. dennis said:
I've made up my own story about the yellow Mazda. In my version, Shannon Elizabeth emerges from an SUV on the street and asks if someone can take a picture of her (naked, of course) in a sink sitting the hatch. YES!
23. dclay said:
Hmmm. How could she be mad about driving such a fine piece of Japanese engineering? A rental? Kathy wreck your car? Or get you drunk and make you buy a yellow Mazda?
24. xwg said:
Dammit all to hell....I only wanted one new word a day now i got to look up penisary also. Sheeesh I know its not going to be a word i want to know.
25. Ex-liontamer said:
In no particualr order: "Victoria" by Old 97's, my favorite old 3/4 sleeve Rush shirt, my college friends Harry, Kel, Patrick, Mike and Lis.
Thanks for asking.
26. Heather K. said:
It's Peanut butter jelly time always gets stuck in my head. see what I mean
27. RYAN said:
Song: "I speak in monotone, leave my fuckin' life alone...as we go up, we go down." GbV
28. KROTCHBAT said:
HEATHER K. IS RIGHT, THAT PEANUT BUTTER JELLY THING IS DAMN CATCHY...
29. ALLISONIC said:
The "Everybody" song sticks with me. See for yourself: http://www.HOMESTARRUNNER.COM
30. eggbert said:
ingrid is going into hiding.
31. ismat said:
Jason started it, but J can help you with the pronunciation of bukkake (note: not "butt-cake).
32. April said:
What do I have stuck in my head? Big green donkey dicks. For instance, reality-madness, rather than internet-madness, sucks big green donkey dicks... don't you think?
33. Anna said:
well, after reading this, i have images of bukkake facials in my head.
34. slackjaw said:
I have "Vermisious knid" in my head from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
I've always wanted to meet one.
35. Naaman said:
That peanut butter jelly time banana scared the crap outta me.
36. Katie said:
Dirty, dirty things. But what's new, really?
37. Clark said:
"What are you putting garbage in there? That's where you staple your cylinders." Just a friend making fun of the garbage can picture at Wendy's. Can't get it out of my head or stop giggling.
38. julia said:
keep feelin' fascination....
i know.
you hate me.
39. bucci said:
OK, so, what happened was you were going to tell us about the car, and then you realized you couldn't because it would make Kathy reality-mad? You have to spill the beans. The beans must be free!
40. Michele said:
Also from homestarrunner.com
"today's forecast is total crap" in strongbad's voice, of course. Then there are these annoying combo words my husband and his college buddies made up like "ass-gina" (ass+vagina) and "penis nipples" Guess that's how they spent their free time....inventing words that get stuck in my impressionable head.
41. The Inmate said:
Bukkake...I can't help but wonder how such a depraved bunch ever got to nearly rule the world. Let's not even go into anime...
The All-American Golden Shower pales by comparison.
42. J said:
I was watching CNN, and going into a commercial, the anchor said, "Stay tuned from some frightening footage from Japan." And I perk my head up, and I think one thing.
Bukkake.
But no, it was just some retarded ass hot air ballooning accident.
Close, but no humiliating semen bath.
43. Sarah B. said:
I see your bukkake and I raise you one dirty sanchez, one hot carl, one snowball, one donkey punch, one mummy club, one felch, and one earning your red wings. Extra credit for earning your white or blue wings.
44. Aarika said:
Shiksa and busk. As in, "The shiksa busks her ass off and heads home."
45. The Inmate said:
Everything you've always wanted to know about sex, but wish you hadn't found out:
Goes A thru Z
46. melanie said:
i've got a song off the new tori amos record going through my head, although i don't know which one because i haven't had it long enough to memorize all the songs and their titles yet.
yet.
47. Keith said:
Thanks to a news story my magazine's been dealing with for most of this afternoon about a company called Big City, I've had the Scorpions' song "Big City Nights" running through my head since around 4PM. Someone please kill me now.
48. Keith said:
Oh yeah. And the lyrics to the German version of Nena's "99 Luftballons" as well.
49. edmund b said:
the word 'french' as a universal adjective to describe anything and everything. ie: "what's up, french? yer so french. quit frenchin' around!"
50. Alex said:
I can't stop saying the words "basal ganglion" over and over and over and...
51. Glen said:
another thought. what's stuck in my head is some line from a dana carvey stand up routine "She's choppin' broccoli... she's choppin' she's chopping she's choppin' she chop she chop chop chop ch ch ch d d d d d d d d choppin' broccoli..."
52. Some Chick said:
http://www.orosian.demon.co.uk/Weeee.swf
53. PJ said:
Ever since I read an article about the amazing properties of soy, I cannot stop thinking what a stupid word 'edamame' is, and even more stupidly, how it is pronounced: 'ed-da-mom-may'.
54. Dave said:
I've had that damned 'Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows' song stuck in my head for about a year now. That, and testicular tubules. And tweezers.
55. Morgan said:
Excuse my while I use up my foul language quotient for the year.
I think bukkake will replace fuck as my explative of choice.
The Escape Club song "Wild Wild West" is the only thing that gets stuck in my head.
Michele would be happy to know my brother's college nickname was Penis Nipple.
Sarah B, I see your Dirty Sanchez, hotcarl, snowball, donkeypunch,mummyclub, felch, and raise you an ever expanding list someone placed on my site... feel free to add more.
and is 'applicable' Ahh- plicable, or APPlicable?
bukkake
56. Zeek said:
Dave's stuck in the T section of the dictionary.
I think I miss your reading suggestions. Beyond that, my thoughts are stuck on test bars this morning.
Words I hate today:
* Luncheon
* Workplace
* Gift
* Conveniently and easily (in that sequence)
Also wondering what a lawyer is trying to say about his firm by branding it on a yo-yo...
57. Paul Gutman said:
I hate to say this, but just when I thought I followed what Dooce had to say, she goes and changes the rules. Huh?
58. jess said:
damn those dancing bananas. they get stuck in your head every time.
59. Jeanette said:
I was sorry to hear about all the trouble you had in reality over something that brought so much joy to your fans.
I share your frustration at wanting to post something so bad but knowing I can't.
60. Charlie Bucket said:
Wankel Rotary Engine... can't get it out of my head.... or that new song by Santana with Michele Branch, "The Game of Love"
61. Igor said:
Really sorry to hear about all the bad karma you've been getting over this fabulous institute but if you wanted to talk about Kathy having sex in the car you should be free to say so.