Here in the Three Two Three
Jon and I spent the entire day yesterday helping our neighbors move their two-bedroom apartment into a storage space, a storage space on the second floor of a winding storage building with elevators operational only with 10 digit access codes. What we thought was going to be a two-hour rush of heavy wooden objects and boxes turned into an eight-hour dust and pinball machine? and why-is-this-not-in-a-box? fest.
We love our neighbors and their wonderfully insane dog who happens to be Chuck's best friend. Once, when Jon and I went out of town for the weekend they had to spell C-H-U-C-K whenever they talked about us, otherwise their dog would think Chuck was outside and he'd start doing that dog pacing thing, where the dog walks from window to window with a terribly worried wrinkle creasing his forehead, as if he's got to decide whether or not to take Grandpa off life support.
So they're gone, these neighbors, just up and gone, and it's incredibly sad. Chuck counted on at least three play sessions a day with their dog, and I counted on at least three good gossip sessions with the dog's mother, a publicist in the fashion industry who has given me delicious scoops on everyone from Ben Stiller (a total meany) to Christian Slater (a total worry wart) to Martin Sheen (who sings spiritedly! at Church on Sundays).
But they had to move, and the reason they had to move is good reason for us to move. You see, there's this neighbor, and this neighbor is an evil neighbor, and this evil neighbor once told our lovely friends that if they didn't watch out, he'd "fucking kill" their dog and cat.
This evil neighbor often used phrases like "you're going to get what's coming to you" and "watch your bitch or I'll come after her" and "if that bitch does that again I'll stick a fucking bullet in her head."
And I'm sure the evil neighbor is really a lovely man who just has a few issues with, I don't know, sanity. And maybe he just needs a hug or a really intense session of hopscotch, but if someone as large and thuggish as this evil neighbor were to threaten my dog, let alone my bitch, I wouldn't stick around and try to kill him with kindness. That motherfucker would kill me with weapons.
And it's not that I'm a coward, or that our friends are cowards either. They called the cops and they filed complaints with the proper authorities, and every law-enforcement official who heard their story said that unless the evil neighbor physically assaulted them, they couldn't do a damn thing, except live in fear and horror and ongoing hell.
And I'm not one for the ongoing hell part of living. That part really sucks. So we gave our friends what we could give them, our backs and legs and Jon's superbly anal box-arranging capabilities. And we're thinking, yeah, it's time to leave. Los Angeles isn't the safe place it used to be.
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FM Living
SX70 said:
back in college when i was trying to impress some church-going girl, i did have the experience of seeing martin sheen singing spiritedly! at Church. anyway, having said all that, los angles is filled with violent people like that, but apparently not as many as vancouver, if you believe these canadians.
11.12.02 - 09:03 AM / 1Kelly said:
Damn. I'd hate to think of the unholy rage that would be unleashed from within if anyone ever threatened my dogs.
Yep. Time to move.
11.12.02 - 09:08 AM / 2Beerzie Boy said:
I don't much like L.A., but remember: Assholes are EVERYWHERE.
11.12.02 - 09:16 AM / 3heather said:
My last year at the dorms, we had a flock of idiots living below us. Wild, loud parties in the middle of the week until 4am. My roommate once awoke to one of them having sex, because both the evil neighbor and her had their windows open.
My favorite, though, is when they decided to make phosphorus bombs in 20oz Coca-Cola bottles and drop them 5 stories out their window. Thankfully, they were too stupid to make them correctly, and I was staying at a friend's house.
You don't need evil neighbors.
11.12.02 - 09:26 AM / 4Bastherself said:
I think Dooce needs to sic her war donkey on her evil neighbor. Perhaps atop the donkey is a war hamster.
11.12.02 - 09:32 AM / 5jess said:
perhaps atop the war hamster atop the war donkey is a war frog. all three will tear the evil neighbour limb from limb, the frog, of course, eating the evil neighbour's eyes for brunch.
people who threaten other peoples pets are scum. but as beerzie boy said, assholes are everywhere. unfortunately.
11.12.02 - 10:16 AM / 6Heather #2 said:
And, just what do you want the war hamster to do???
11.12.02 - 10:18 AM / 7Mark said:
"On the internet, nobody knows you're an asshole." No, wait, that's not it...
11.12.02 - 10:22 AM / 8Krotchbat said:
Even if you're leaving that gold-plated turd called LA, you should get that guy before you leave. Anonymously, of course. I'm thinking of the "adolescent" joke of ringing his doorbell, to which he answers, and finds a bag of C-H-U-C-K dogshit on fire, on which he will stomp out and be covered in feces. Or maybe pull some Amelie shenanigans and leave the psycho letters signed sincerely by the neighbors' dog who just left. I dunno, sometimes you have to enact karma on your own.
11.12.02 - 10:27 AM / 9ALLISONIC said:
I agree with the move.
And tonight on FM Nation:
Episode 107 - Salt Lake City, UT
4 High School graduates and friends go out for one of their last nights before leaving for college, 3 girlfriends go to a Warrant show at the local bowling alley, and a devout Mormon guy gets up his nerve to ask a girl he likes if she'd go to the upcoming Cher concert with him.
11.12.02 - 10:33 AM / 10the propagandist said:
oh yeah. like there aren't assholes in utah.
they just call them "bishops" there. and they're probably better armed.
just move up to the northeast (L.A., that is). we're armed AND nice up here.
11.12.02 - 10:35 AM / 11Ex-liontamer said:
I can relate to the annoying wa some folks prepare a move. Once I was moving friends out of their apartment. I was literally standing over them waiting to be handed a freshly-loaded hefty bag full of random crap. BIG FUN! As far as the L.A. thing, I reckon it's not fun anymore if the "local color" starts to fade. Sic Semper Asshous!
11.12.02 - 10:37 AM / 12ismat said:
I can see Martin Sheen singing, but Ben is a total meany? Really?
11.12.02 - 10:37 AM / 13deadking said:
so your going to let a jerk run you off??
excuses,excuses
11.12.02 - 10:55 AM / 14April said:
Synchronicity. I just moved this weekend (and still) from the seven six zero to the seven one four, and while I didn't have unboxed pinball machines, I did have unboxed computer monitors. Yes, plural. Both places were second-story, with no elevator, so don't complain. By the way, you should really use those newly grown eyebrows on the evil neighbor. Seriously.
11.12.02 - 11:12 AM / 15Bastherself said:
Well Heather #2, I think the War Donkey would step on evil neighbor's toes one by one starting with the little ones. And he would turn around and using his back legs, kick the jack ass down.
Then the war hamster would jump down and nibble all the hair of his head.
Followed by the war frog depositing fly gunk on his forehead.
How's that evil neighbor who threatens animals.
11.12.02 - 11:42 AM / 16dooce said:
ismat: Ben is really a total meany, so meany in fact that he made my publicist friend's other publicist friend totally cry on the telephone. and then he told her to ìjust stop crying already.î it totally made me sad, like when i found out there really wasn't a tooth fairy.
11.12.02 - 11:46 AM / 17ShamFrancisco? said:
People can be arrested for verbal threats in San Francisco--and I think that's a fuckin great thing! Another reason SF kicks LA's stoopid ass.
11.12.02 - 11:50 AM / 18Anna said:
I would not be able to tolerate someone threatening the life of my dog, and I don't blame your neighbors for moving. That is most definately "time to move."
11.12.02 - 11:59 AM / 19Sarah B. said:
Martin Sheen was in town recently and was just mean, cruel even, to my friend Tony, the nicest person ever, who was taping him for some charity event. Also, he has really whistly false teeth.
11.12.02 - 12:07 PM / 20ismat said:
Sarah, that hurts. I mean, that Martin/Charlie Sheen commercial is just damn funny. But I think I remember Tony. And maybe Ben was just having a bad day?
11.12.02 - 12:59 PM / 21cicada said:
Dooce, I suggest that you and DJ Blurb practice the ritual spelling-of-names thing (substitute name of toy, candy, and so on, ad nauseum). When that baby you're wanting gets a little older, you'll be so glad that you did!
11.12.02 - 01:08 PM / 22Jerry Brito said:
First semester law student here and I was shocked to learn in torts class how little duty to protect police have toward humans, let alone dogs. One of the cases we read was about a woman who's rejected suitor stalked her and threatened that if he couldn't have her, no one would. She complained to the police plenty, but they said they couldn't do anything. And they did nothing until the guy had someone throw lye in her face when she got engaged to someone else. She sued the cops and the court found, like plenty of other courts have done, that the cops werenít liable. So, yeah, moving was their best option.
11.12.02 - 01:35 PM / 23Paul Gutman said:
To Jerry et Dooce...
There is a tort here, called intentional infliction of emotional distress, but it's only an action at civil law, not at criminal. So no, there's nothing the cops can do, but if you had the resources, you might be able to bring a law suit.
That said, it's over a year since torts for me, so I may be missing some material element here.
So just light EN on fire.
11.12.02 - 01:43 PM / 24Naaman said:
That whole "why-is-this-not-in-a-box" thing is unbelievably annoying. We helped move a friend that had stacks -- like, three feet tall -- of paper not in boxes.
11.12.02 - 01:46 PM / 25little miss s said:
vancouver violent? i don't think so...11,000 deaths by handguns in the US...261 in Canada for the same year. yup we're pretty peace-lovin' folks up here...except when Axl doesn't show up for a concert.
11.12.02 - 02:17 PM / 26joe said:
move, but don't leave la =)
11.12.02 - 03:17 PM / 27Robyn said:
I think moving away is the safest option. That's crazy that the cops can't do anything about threats. Even if you have concrete evidence? The system forces us to take the law into our own hands.
11.12.02 - 03:50 PM / 28Keith said:
Friend of a friend is Ben Stiller's assistant, and it's been told to me many times that Ben is a screamer. Things need to be just so with Ben, or else. I've also heard that the Dawson's kids all vehemently hate each other, Cameron Diaz has a bad acne problem in real life, and I heard a nasty tale about how Keanu Reeves got his big break, but it'd be a little gauche of me to just drop it in the midst of your comments section.
11.12.02 - 04:11 PM / 29ME said:
Wait, Jon has an anal box? what the..! Oh, anal box arranging capabilities. Sorry, I have a short attention span and didn't read everything. My bad.
11.12.02 - 05:26 PM / 30