Just a Few of the Very Important Things I Learned While Living in Los Angeles
- There are two types of orgasms: wasabi orgasms and warm French fry orgasms. While there may be several sub categories, like the Double Quarter Pounder with cheese Supersized� orgasm, they all fall under those two types.
- White girls should wear sunscreen. ("White Girls Should Wear Sunscreen" is going to be the first single my fantasy all girl blog-rock band will release when I get around to forming my fantasy all girl blog-rock band, with Sarah on lead guitar, Shauna on bass, Mena on banjo, Margaret on glockenspiel, Melanie on tambourine, Heather on drums, and Leslie as back-up vocals and lyricist.)
- You may think it's a good idea to date an actor, but it's not at all a good idea to date an actor.
- Aside from having a healthy relationship and a healthy family and having your health in general, the most important thing to have in this world is great hair.
- It is not only possible but very much likely that in a company of 30 people, 15 of those people will show up to work every morning stoned out of their fucking gourds.
- You should never ever ever write nasty things about your boss on your blog, unless your boss orders Prada shoes online, talks about it out loud, and has them shipped overnight to the office.
- The Mormons will find you, no matter where you go, how often you move, or how serious you were when you threatened legal action against Jesus Christ.
- Never get into a car driven by an Asian database administrator. You may be accused of being racist, but at least you'll still have all of your appendages.
- It's totally okay to start drinking at one o'clock in the afternoon.
- Just because the person you're dating knows Owen Wilson doesn't mean that the person you're dating is anywhere near as cool as Owen Wilson.
- Never date someone within ten cubicles of your own, particularly if that person has not only had two restraining orders taken out on him within the last six months but also wears funny little gnome shoes.
- Don't eat the whole burrito.
- Chances are, if you have to ask, the answer is no, you cannot touch my boobs.
- Marry someone who digs down deep when he says he loves you.
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FM Living
Registered Trademark said:
But what if I really, really, really wanted to touch your boobs? And what if I was extra nice while asking? Would you let me then?
11.19.02 - 11:04 PM / 1dooce said:
Chances are, if you are extra nice while asking, you're gay.
11.19.02 - 11:08 PM / 2Registered Trademark said:
Possbily true, but in this case, not. At least I don't think so.
11.19.02 - 11:13 PM / 3Keith said:
When I form my band (and I will eventually form my band), I will call it "Evil Petting Zoo." Our first album will be called Music To Have A.D.D. To.
11.19.02 - 11:13 PM / 4Alex said:
Ok, most of the stuff above is just gibberish; except for the burrito comment. Wow, that hit home like a sledgehammer. If I were riding a donkey, I would have fallen off, smitten.
11.20.02 - 12:06 AM / 5Heather #2 said:
BAD ASIAN DRIVERS?! I can't wait to see what that brings out of the woodworks!
11.20.02 - 03:56 AM / 6Marc said:
I've been reading your website for a (very) long time and have a small concern.
Will you become less cool when you move away from LA? I hope not. I mean, I'll still keep reading but the minute you begin to sound like a suburban mom... I don't know, I might have to weep a little.
Good luck with everything!
11.20.02 - 04:28 AM / 7kate said:
don't stop blogging once you've moved, 'k? and being that it's imminent, good luck with it. i'll bet chucklesworth is feeling the itch, too, eh?
11.20.02 - 04:31 AM / 8Ex-liontamer said:
That certainly is sage wisdom .... for those who choose to live in a playground.
11.20.02 - 04:54 AM / 9Cody said:
You forgot the Pizza Orgasm. But then I'm a guy.
You are so right about the sunscreen.
11.20.02 - 04:56 AM / 10Mary Brockington said:
You are as funny as Dave Barry! Like Dave Barry x Courtney Love! I love it.
11.20.02 - 04:57 AM / 11ALLISONIC said:
I play a mean triangle!
11.20.02 - 04:59 AM / 12Sarah B. said:
Me! In an all girl band! Oh Heather, all my sweet Anna Waronker dreams are finally coming true.
11.20.02 - 05:06 AM / 13ismat said:
Can I handle your publicity? I know of several markets where such an all-girl band would be a major hit.
11.20.02 - 05:39 AM / 14megchem said:
I personally can't wait until you're a suburban mom....i picture beans up noses and lots of bodily functions...sigh...LA will miss you! Also, isn't there a double-double orgasm too? And...I think noon is the start of drinking especially if it's hot.
11.20.02 - 06:04 AM / 15The Inmate said:
So...just for reference, if at any given time I have to ask in order to touch somebody's boobs, then I should automatically assume my chances for an affirmative answer are slim? Are you in some way supporting the unauthorized touching of boobs?
That's really what makes boob touching such a risky activity. You never know whether you should go ahead or not.
11.20.02 - 06:15 AM / 16Lisa said:
I was thinking that I liked both of those songs. Where do you find your music? I'd like to broaden my musical horizons. Could you educate me a bit, please?
11.20.02 - 06:19 AM / 17Paul Gutman said:
Frankly, if your orgasms burn like wasabi, you might want to consider stopping. Don't get me wrong, I love wasabi...but burning orgasms...sounds like another all girl blog-rock band.
11.20.02 - 06:22 AM / 18andrew said:
yah i guess i'm a bug coming out of the woodwork if i'm offended by your racism about the asian stuff? i like your writing except for that stuff. it's cheap humor and untrue and hurtful.
11.20.02 - 06:25 AM / 19julia said:
i notice your all-girl band has no name as of yet. so, as my "you're moving away, and, although i don't know you, i really hope it all goes well" gift to you, i'll let you use the copyrighted band name i was gonna use when i start my band: nigella lawson's cleavage. i get lots of hits on that via google, so i'm sure it would draw big crowds. plus, i have no musical talent, so it's not like i was ever really gonna use it anyway. but, you know, you don't have to use it. so...uh...good luck with the move. and the band. and stuff.
11.20.02 - 06:30 AM / 20The Inmate said:
Lighten up, Andrew. If you read some of the archives, you'd know that the Asian Database Administrator is just a character loosely based on a real person, not an actual representation of anyone or any ethnic group. Even so, it's still funny, and if you don't get it, doesn't mean it's "cheap humor".
11.20.02 - 06:36 AM / 21April said:
If there were cute boys in that all-girl blog rock band, I would love to be a groupie.
11.20.02 - 06:53 AM / 22me said:
"It's cheap humor and untrue..." - no it's not. "It's... hurtful." - yeah, that's why it's funny. In conclusion, shut up Andrew.
11.20.02 - 07:16 AM / 23Nigella Lawson's Buttocks said:
Julia, that is the BEST band name ever! Dooce, you so gotta use it. I'll even make your t-shirts for ya!!
11.20.02 - 07:20 AM / 24Kerry said:
I think Carbonated Vomit would be a cool name for a band.
11.20.02 - 07:22 AM / 25Naaman said:
Of the times I've been down to LA, it's certainly important to wear sunscreen, cruise down sunset with 24 inch rims, and wear clear sunglasses indoors at dinner.
11.20.02 - 07:48 AM / 26Beerzie Boy said:
Re Remarks about your boss (Prada shoes or not):
Youi need to use my all-purpose blog disclaimer:
"Your Humble Narrator wants you to realize that cruel, slanderous, or uncharitable remarks, (which could be interpreted by the small-minded as slanderous) such as referring to his project executive as a Miss Piggy look-alike, are not made to elicit cheap laughs or to vent his anger."
11.20.02 - 08:05 AM / 27Zeek said:
Carbonated Vomit - trademark that one. I almost laughed lunch all over my keyboard.
11.20.02 - 08:22 AM / 28ex southern babtist said:
Dooce, Oh boy, are you in love or what?
11.20.02 - 08:48 AM / 29jennay said:
When Colleen and I start a band, we're gonna be called Middle Finger and the Fuck Yourselves.
11.20.02 - 09:17 AM / 30