Even their Dog is Mormon
Now wait a minute, people.
I knew about the cold weather and the liquor laws and the dry air, so dry that by 3am every morning the pointy boogers in my nose form a barricade so impenetrable the airflow through my body is involuntarily re-routed through my mouth in one harrowingly gigantic gasp for life. I'm so okay with all those things, and although you may not believe me, I'm even okay with the Mormons.
And I guess I should clarify something here, right here and now. It's public record that I used to be a member of the Mormon church and that I paid money willingly for a degree from BYU. I've read the Book of Mormon, and both my brother and my husband have served Mormon missions (to Montreal, Quebec, and Manchester, England, respectively). I can give you a detailed description of the history of the Mormon church, of its founders, its years of formative persecution, and the names of the men who serve on its "board of directors" today. I really used to believe that being a Mormon was the right thing to do.
So I want to let you know that I'm not here to participate in any form of Mormon bashing, although that might seem like the logical thing for me to do. Too many of my closest friends, not to mention my mother, my father, my siblings, and all of my nieces and nephews are all devout members of the Mormon church. I'm not willing to publicly slander a belief system they all eat, breathe and sleep. I've invested hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars on therapy working out things that shouldn't be worked out publicly.
So I know that the Mormon church will find out within the next week (if not already) that I have mysteriously fled California, and they will shortly contact my mother here in Utah and demand to know of my whereabouts. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay knowing that they will pinpoint my exact latitude/longitude coordinates and send the Lord's representatives to my rescue. That is what they do.
I'm okay with the Mormon thing, and I'm slowly getting used to wearing closed-toe shoes and socks. Socks! for Christ's sake. I'm totally aware that there's no such thing as a spontaneous buzz in this state, unless your liver is the size of a pistachio. I'm so okay with my dog growing his own fleece comforter from his hind legs to his forehead, and the fact that snow doesn't melt until mid-June.
But people, if I find out that any of you knew about the Taco Bell tostada thing, the thing where they don't serve fucking tostadas in Utah thing, and didn't tell me about it, I'm seriously going to cut someone. I mean, no tostadas? Are you fucking kidding?
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FM Living
Jory said:
I knew there was something I was forgetting. So are you in Utah or Salt Lake county? Or, shudder, one of the other ones?
12.03.02 - 08:34 PM / 1Naaman said:
Run for the border!!!!
12.03.02 - 08:42 PM / 2Naaman said:
Sorry, I couldn't resist ;)
12.03.02 - 08:42 PM / 3shescrafty said:
Just don't drink the kool-aide!
12.03.02 - 09:43 PM / 4Keith said:
Dude, the Mormons don't do caffeine either. So, no Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks either. I can deal without the tostadas, but the bastards have made me become addicted to frappuccinos.
12.03.02 - 10:40 PM / 5Totah DinÈ said:
Why do you think I moved back to New Mexico? I have two words for you CABLE INTERNET - that makes up for everything else ;)
12.04.02 - 01:18 AM / 6Ex-liontamer said:
I can relate; I went a few years without Taylor Ham.
Mmmmm. Taylor Ham.
Can you make your own Tostadas?
12.04.02 - 02:23 AM / 7peggy said:
That's the trouble with moving. I know you know about Tennessee too, but I sure didn't. No Vienna Red Hots, no White Castles, no Chicago at all. The beans & cornbread thing is cool, though.
12.04.02 - 02:32 AM / 8Her Highnessness said:
It's a little freaky that the Mormon Church keeps such close tabs on you, even though you're not a member in good standing. I wonder if missing persons has ever condsidered tapping this powerful person finding resource?
12.04.02 - 03:44 AM / 9Jen said:
They're going to track you down? That sounds so X-Files.
12.04.02 - 03:58 AM / 10Glen said:
Umm, I'm a little fuzzy here. Why no tostadas?
12.04.02 - 04:07 AM / 11me said:
what the hell were you thinking ? get out while you can.
12.04.02 - 04:18 AM / 12bill said:
Heh. I feel your pain. I went from New York to Maryland, where an evil cabal has decided that it is perfectly OK to put mayonnaise and pickles on an Italian Cold Cut sub. Mayonnaise! As for the tostadas, my best suggestion is to bring a tortilla to The Bell and bribe the fry guy.
12.04.02 - 04:21 AM / 13PJ said:
I myself have found the last few days' discussions on the Mormon religion both enlightening and mostly lighthearted. I think you have been remarkably circumspect in your comments. As for those who thought it was bashing, methinks thou art WAY too sensitive. Take it from a Friday Fish-Eater: we hold the patent on being able to make fun of our religious leaders, and believe me, these days we have to be able to take it. Who has laughed at a priest joke lately? I know I have, albeit somewhat ruefully. Dooce, you can come be a Catholic anytime, we've got plenty of guilt-ridden angst to go around.
12.04.02 - 04:25 AM / 14Lisa said:
My best friend in high school was Mormon. (I said "was" because promptly after graduation, she ran away to Texas and married someone that wasn't Mormon. No temple for her...) Anyway, I was almost convinced that I wanted to join the Mormon church. I had the Book of Mormon, with full intetion to read every word. Of couse, I never did. My Catholic upbringing stopped me from joining. That and the fact that I answered the knock at the front door in a towel and saw two Missionaries standing there. The first asked if it was a bad time. The other was craning his neck to look as far away as possible. I said, "Yes, it is a bad time." They never came back.
12.04.02 - 04:46 AM / 15heather said:
I moved from north Alabama to a suburb of Baltimore a year ago. I never knew I would have to get my dad to ship be proper tea (Red Diamond) for sugary, teeth-rotting iced tea. I had to introduce people to the wonder that is cornbread dressing! Heathens.
12.04.02 - 05:02 AM / 16Zeek said:
Survival link for you...
There are also recipes for Taco Bell seasoning there somewhere.
12.04.02 - 05:12 AM / 17megchem said:
Two years in LA, 6 in MT and I still yearn for a cup, no gallon, of dunkin donuts coffee. The best cheap coffee in the world!!! I heard a rumor that there's one in la...yeah right...i can smell it 20 miles away!
12.04.02 - 05:50 AM / 18Dirtybilllover said:
Um...they don't just track you down if you've already been part of the church. They also track you down if you've ever seriously dated one. I moved from Maryland to Texas and back again and the only thing that ever changed was that the missionaries got younger and younger. They want me something fierce to send a total of 12 missionaries after me! (Did I mention that they all knew me by name? THAT'S some scary shit)
12.04.02 - 05:51 AM / 19Funtime Ben said:
I think as a recovering Mormon you are doing pretty well, although if there is an increase in the Words of God on your blog a crack rescue team, from an undisclosed location, will be dispensed bearing tostadas to lure you away back to the world of sin... and real Taco Bells
12.04.02 - 06:04 AM / 20Jub said:
Every Mormon I've ever met (admittedly not many in London) has been really nice. And as we all know, you don't get to heaven unless you're a Mormon - even Matt Stone and Trey Parker of South Park fame know that.
12.04.02 - 06:09 AM / 21Paula said:
Ok. This tostada crisis is most disturbing. There aren't many things I can eat without my stomach lashing out at me in fits of rage. The tostada, however, is one of the few my stomach actually is "ok with." So, of course, just as I express my glee at being able to actually eat some junk food after a few years of necessary healthy eating, they totally take it off the damn menu! You can't find a Taco bell here in Rhode Island that serves a tostada. I just assumed they took it off the menu everywhere. They haven't served them here in about a year. So, count yourself lucky that you were able to enjoy them for this long. [sniff]
12.04.02 - 06:16 AM / 22Cindi said:
now that you're in Utah...please refrain from using words such as shit, damn, hell, fuck, etc. You must replace those with; oh my heck, darn, dang, shoot, dog-on-it, flip, fetch, freak, golly gee, for pete's sake, etc. You'll fit RIGHT in.
12.04.02 - 06:33 AM / 23Benjy said:
There's always that culinary give and take when relocating. I spent the 6+ years I was in Atlanta on an endless quest for a real hot dog and a a good bagel, but now that I'm back in Chicago I'd kill for some Fat Matt's ribs! At least Krispy Kreme followed me up here.
12.04.02 - 06:46 AM / 24ismat said:
But why??? For the love of god, why no tostadas? Next you'll probably tell me the fajitas aren't back in Utah, either.
12.04.02 - 06:47 AM / 25art said:
Good news - Dunkin Donuts coffee is now available on the web:
http://www.dunkindonuts.com/
12.04.02 - 06:51 AM / 26Billy said:
Keith is mistaken about the Starbucks. I looked in the phone book after landing in SLC while gassing up for a trip south -- there were 4, I think, but nobody in the damn gas station could give me directions. I did get directions when I was in Provo from a girl -- it was right down the street, but she gave me directions that took me in a big circle. Those Mormons -- they are a crafty bunch; but I was not deterred in my mission to find a mocha. I don't know about Dunkin' Donuts or Taco Bell. But is it true that the Mormon Church bought a Coca-Cola plant and exempted Coke products from the caffeine restrictions?
12.04.02 - 07:09 AM / 27Dave Thomas said:
Ain't no caffeine restrictions per se, beyond the well-known proscription against coffee and tea. Some Mormons have historically extended that to include soft drinks, but the Church doesn't currently do so. I don't know about them buying into Coke. All the Coke in all the states around the church's HQ is owned by Swire Corp., an Asian conglomerate. Cripes, my post is boring.
12.04.02 - 07:18 AM / 28Wayne said:
Keith dude seriously thinks there are no Starbucks in Utah? Ha, I say!! According to their store locator, there are 23 in and around SLC, from Ogden to Park City.
Now, that's no Orange County, which stops listing at 500 stores. So you might have to drive more than, say, 500 feet to find coffee in Utah, but it's possible.
12.04.02 - 07:39 AM / 29Brenda said:
I've been tempted to post a few times in the last couple of days. PJ, I do think the comments on the last post veered into Mormon-bashing, mostly good-natured, but would you say "watch out for those Jews" if someone moved to a predominantly Jewish neighbourhood?
12.04.02 - 07:52 AM / 30