Even their Dog is Mormon
Now wait a minute, people.
I knew about the cold weather and the liquor laws and the dry air, so dry that by 3am every morning the pointy boogers in my nose form a barricade so impenetrable the airflow through my body is involuntarily re-routed through my mouth in one harrowingly gigantic gasp for life. I'm so okay with all those things, and although you may not believe me, I'm even okay with the Mormons.
And I guess I should clarify something here, right here and now. It's public record that I used to be a member of the Mormon church and that I paid money willingly for a degree from BYU. I've read the Book of Mormon, and both my brother and my husband have served Mormon missions (to Montreal, Quebec, and Manchester, England, respectively). I can give you a detailed description of the history of the Mormon church, of its founders, its years of formative persecution, and the names of the men who serve on its "board of directors" today. I really used to believe that being a Mormon was the right thing to do.
So I want to let you know that I'm not here to participate in any form of Mormon bashing, although that might seem like the logical thing for me to do. Too many of my closest friends, not to mention my mother, my father, my siblings, and all of my nieces and nephews are all devout members of the Mormon church. I'm not willing to publicly slander a belief system they all eat, breathe and sleep. I've invested hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars on therapy working out things that shouldn't be worked out publicly.
So I know that the Mormon church will find out within the next week (if not already) that I have mysteriously fled California, and they will shortly contact my mother here in Utah and demand to know of my whereabouts. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay knowing that they will pinpoint my exact latitude/longitude coordinates and send the Lord's representatives to my rescue. That is what they do.
I'm okay with the Mormon thing, and I'm slowly getting used to wearing closed-toe shoes and socks. Socks! for Christ's sake. I'm totally aware that there's no such thing as a spontaneous buzz in this state, unless your liver is the size of a pistachio. I'm so okay with my dog growing his own fleece comforter from his hind legs to his forehead, and the fact that snow doesn't melt until mid-June.
But people, if I find out that any of you knew about the Taco Bell tostada thing, the thing where they don't serve fucking tostadas in Utah thing, and didn't tell me about it, I'm seriously going to cut someone. I mean, no tostadas? Are you fucking kidding?
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Heather talks about public tantrums (from kids) on today's Momversation.
- Bedtime, Leta lingering defiantly in the hallway. Jon: "If you want fart stories, you better get in bed RIGHT NOW."
- RIP Louis Mortimer Armstrong: http://bit.ly/1R4tv6
- Hugs and kisses to you, too! RT: @Monkey_Tree: @dooce he probably committed suicide because he was tired of LISTENING TO YOU WHINE.
1. Jory said:
I knew there was something I was forgetting. So are you in Utah or Salt Lake county? Or, shudder, one of the other ones?
2. Naaman said:
Run for the border!!!!
3. Naaman said:
Sorry, I couldn't resist ;)
4. shescrafty said:
Just don't drink the kool-aide!
5. Keith said:
Dude, the Mormons don't do caffeine either. So, no Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks either. I can deal without the tostadas, but the bastards have made me become addicted to frappuccinos.
6. Totah DinÈ said:
Why do you think I moved back to New Mexico? I have two words for you CABLE INTERNET - that makes up for everything else ;)
7. Ex-liontamer said:
I can relate; I went a few years without Taylor Ham.
Mmmmm. Taylor Ham.
Can you make your own Tostadas?
8. peggy said:
That's the trouble with moving. I know you know about Tennessee too, but I sure didn't. No Vienna Red Hots, no White Castles, no Chicago at all. The beans & cornbread thing is cool, though.
9. Her Highnessness said:
It's a little freaky that the Mormon Church keeps such close tabs on you, even though you're not a member in good standing. I wonder if missing persons has ever condsidered tapping this powerful person finding resource?
10. Jen said:
They're going to track you down? That sounds so X-Files.
11. Glen said:
Umm, I'm a little fuzzy here. Why no tostadas?
12. me said:
what the hell were you thinking ? get out while you can.
13. bill said:
Heh. I feel your pain. I went from New York to Maryland, where an evil cabal has decided that it is perfectly OK to put mayonnaise and pickles on an Italian Cold Cut sub. Mayonnaise! As for the tostadas, my best suggestion is to bring a tortilla to The Bell and bribe the fry guy.
14. PJ said:
I myself have found the last few days' discussions on the Mormon religion both enlightening and mostly lighthearted. I think you have been remarkably circumspect in your comments. As for those who thought it was bashing, methinks thou art WAY too sensitive. Take it from a Friday Fish-Eater: we hold the patent on being able to make fun of our religious leaders, and believe me, these days we have to be able to take it. Who has laughed at a priest joke lately? I know I have, albeit somewhat ruefully. Dooce, you can come be a Catholic anytime, we've got plenty of guilt-ridden angst to go around.
15. Lisa said:
My best friend in high school was Mormon. (I said "was" because promptly after graduation, she ran away to Texas and married someone that wasn't Mormon. No temple for her...) Anyway, I was almost convinced that I wanted to join the Mormon church. I had the Book of Mormon, with full intetion to read every word. Of couse, I never did. My Catholic upbringing stopped me from joining. That and the fact that I answered the knock at the front door in a towel and saw two Missionaries standing there. The first asked if it was a bad time. The other was craning his neck to look as far away as possible. I said, "Yes, it is a bad time." They never came back.
16. heather said:
I moved from north Alabama to a suburb of Baltimore a year ago. I never knew I would have to get my dad to ship be proper tea (Red Diamond) for sugary, teeth-rotting iced tea. I had to introduce people to the wonder that is cornbread dressing! Heathens.
17. Zeek said:
Survival link for you...
There are also recipes for Taco Bell seasoning there somewhere.
18. megchem said:
Two years in LA, 6 in MT and I still yearn for a cup, no gallon, of dunkin donuts coffee. The best cheap coffee in the world!!! I heard a rumor that there's one in la...yeah right...i can smell it 20 miles away!
19. Dirtybilllover said:
Um...they don't just track you down if you've already been part of the church. They also track you down if you've ever seriously dated one. I moved from Maryland to Texas and back again and the only thing that ever changed was that the missionaries got younger and younger. They want me something fierce to send a total of 12 missionaries after me! (Did I mention that they all knew me by name? THAT'S some scary shit)
20. Funtime Ben said:
I think as a recovering Mormon you are doing pretty well, although if there is an increase in the Words of God on your blog a crack rescue team, from an undisclosed location, will be dispensed bearing tostadas to lure you away back to the world of sin... and real Taco Bells
21. Jub said:
Every Mormon I've ever met (admittedly not many in London) has been really nice. And as we all know, you don't get to heaven unless you're a Mormon - even Matt Stone and Trey Parker of South Park fame know that.
22. Paula said:
Ok. This tostada crisis is most disturbing. There aren't many things I can eat without my stomach lashing out at me in fits of rage. The tostada, however, is one of the few my stomach actually is "ok with." So, of course, just as I express my glee at being able to actually eat some junk food after a few years of necessary healthy eating, they totally take it off the damn menu! You can't find a Taco bell here in Rhode Island that serves a tostada. I just assumed they took it off the menu everywhere. They haven't served them here in about a year. So, count yourself lucky that you were able to enjoy them for this long. [sniff]
23. Cindi said:
now that you're in Utah...please refrain from using words such as shit, damn, hell, fuck, etc. You must replace those with; oh my heck, darn, dang, shoot, dog-on-it, flip, fetch, freak, golly gee, for pete's sake, etc. You'll fit RIGHT in.
24. Benjy said:
There's always that culinary give and take when relocating. I spent the 6+ years I was in Atlanta on an endless quest for a real hot dog and a a good bagel, but now that I'm back in Chicago I'd kill for some Fat Matt's ribs! At least Krispy Kreme followed me up here.
25. ismat said:
But why??? For the love of god, why no tostadas? Next you'll probably tell me the fajitas aren't back in Utah, either.
26. art said:
Good news - Dunkin Donuts coffee is now available on the web:
http://www.dunkindonuts.com/
27. Billy said:
Keith is mistaken about the Starbucks. I looked in the phone book after landing in SLC while gassing up for a trip south -- there were 4, I think, but nobody in the damn gas station could give me directions. I did get directions when I was in Provo from a girl -- it was right down the street, but she gave me directions that took me in a big circle. Those Mormons -- they are a crafty bunch; but I was not deterred in my mission to find a mocha. I don't know about Dunkin' Donuts or Taco Bell. But is it true that the Mormon Church bought a Coca-Cola plant and exempted Coke products from the caffeine restrictions?
28. Dave Thomas said:
Ain't no caffeine restrictions per se, beyond the well-known proscription against coffee and tea. Some Mormons have historically extended that to include soft drinks, but the Church doesn't currently do so. I don't know about them buying into Coke. All the Coke in all the states around the church's HQ is owned by Swire Corp., an Asian conglomerate. Cripes, my post is boring.
29. Wayne said:
Keith dude seriously thinks there are no Starbucks in Utah? Ha, I say!! According to their store locator, there are 23 in and around SLC, from Ogden to Park City.
Now, that's no Orange County, which stops listing at 500 stores. So you might have to drive more than, say, 500 feet to find coffee in Utah, but it's possible.
30. Brenda said:
I've been tempted to post a few times in the last couple of days. PJ, I do think the comments on the last post veered into Mormon-bashing, mostly good-natured, but would you say "watch out for those Jews" if someone moved to a predominantly Jewish neighbourhood?
31. propagandist said:
brigham young HATED mexican food.
32. Wayne said:
Brigham didn't hate all Mexican food, only Taco Bell tostados. Gave him gas.....toasty Mormon gas.
33. mal said:
fuck. i should have warned you. i also forgot about that bit where NELEH (from survivor) now sells herself as a news anchor. avoid channel 2 in the mornings, for the love of god.
34. The Inmate said:
One of the top rated Mexican restaurants in Salt Lake. And they've got $5.75 tostadas.
35. megchem said:
art: I KNOW they are on the web, but it isn't the same :(
36. edsmonkey said:
I thought I heard somewhere that tostadas were the tool of the mormom devil and were on the "too be avoided list" along with liquor and caffiene.
37. Slack Jaw said:
Not to carry on any Mormon bashing, but Jews have really good bagels and Matzo ball soup and Locks and have a culture that goes back thousands of persecuted years. I think itís fair to say that other than the Brits, there is no group of people as large, less know for their cuisine.
(ok so maybe to carry on a little more bashingÖ)
38. Xanthan said:
OK,Dooce.... I'm confused. You leave LA and the food you miss is a Taco Bell tostada? When you lived in LA, was no one kind enough to introduce you to Tommy's Burgers or the delights of a real taco truck? I mean, you've got to know about the blintzes at Cantors, what about the incredible lamb sandwiches at Phillipe's near Union Station? The pie at the Apple Pan?
39. nikky said:
... what's a Mormon?
++
40. nick said:
no, no. she's got it right. taco bell is food to lust over. all those "L.A." places are full of shit. canter's deli sucks my ass. and the apple pan looks cool, but it's pie is not all that great and you can't get out of that place for anything less than a car payment. praise be taco bell - the working man's paradise.
41. The Mighty Jimbo said:
Never trust any food stuff that costs less than dog food. Taco Bell? Scary.
42. Naaman said:
You all have obviously never had In-n-out, which, btw, is also not available in Utah (according to their web site). Now there's a fast food chain worth staying in Cali for.
43. Kevin said:
To address the first problem (dry nose rock boogers; Mormons flourish and remain remarkably moist in dry weather). I lived in Provo and Tucson and had to resort to Saline Nasal Spray to keep my nasal cavity wet and youthful. It works like a charm, and you won't wake up with stalagtite snot in the morning. Two squirts in each nostril before bed and one or two in the morning and you'll be right as rain.
44. me said:
Lets all get it out of our systems. Everyone yell as load as you can. Mormon, Mormon, Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,
Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,
Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,
Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,
Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,Mormon,
Mormon. Man I feel better. you? Now lets move on. NEXT!
45. ex southern babtist said:
I agree with me.
46. Shoefly said:
I had no idea a flat taco shell could be a device of the devil. No wonder I like 'em so much!
47. chukee said:
An interesting Taco Bell thing - have you heard of the "K-Minus" program? It is TB's program for removing all of the kitchens from their stores. All food will be prepared with water, a microwave, and the occasional hot-oil bath.
I don't think that this bothers me so much as fascinates me.
48. dclay said:
Look on the bright side, you're that much closer to Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Wait...
49. Sen said:
I know I'll sound like an idiot for asking this, but what's a toastada?
50. kane said:
I suddenly have the urge to hug my neighborhood Jehovah Witness.
51. jennay said:
just a weird mormon-related fact from my life: in high school, my best friend and i were like THIS. both of our last names are armstrong, and though we both have "armstrong noses" we are unrelated. she is and always has been mormon and had no problem mixing with non-mormons (i'm a presby), but when she went off to school (utah state) she decided she was no longer going to maintain relationships with non-mormons. therefore, although i had no ill feelings toward the religion previously, i am now convinced that mormonism is an evil cult and it's no fair that they've gotten to take over some of the prettiest scenery in america.
but yeah, she was a mormon and her last name is armstrong... that's where i was really going.
52. Shane said:
Sorry to put this right up on your comments Dooce but I can't find an email for you.
Please visit Make Sour Bob Famous and help our campaign to make our (other) favourite blogger a celebrity. Thanks!
53. tumbleweed said:
Look, I'll check this out, but in the meantime, someone help me out here...
When two guys come to the door, and without asking them in for tea, how do I differentiate between them being Mormon or Jehovah's?
Not that there's anything wrong with either one...
54. propagandist said:
nicky:
a mormon is like a christian, but far better organized and with magic underwear.
55. Punz said:
Wait, no caffeine? Eek. I mean, I'm strict kosher, but having to give up my Second Cup would be tough.
And wow, I am sadly ignorant about most other religious beliefs.
56. Shabby said:
Wow. And I thought my move from the city of Chicago to the suburbs of Chicago was bad. Be strong, Dooce.
57. HurgleGurgle said:
To read a disinterested take on the Mormon/Coke dynasty (or lack thereof) go to Snopes.com
To tell marmons apart from JW's: The Mormon (or LDS) missionaries are usually 19-22, and don't bring small children in tow. They will not actually sell you pamphlets. They go out in bad weather.
58. Brenda said:
Mormon missionaries also have nametags and call themselves "Elders" (or sisters if they're women.) Even though they're all young pups.
59. Bruce said:
Welcome to Utah...
http://www.lasvegasmercury.com/2002/MERC-Nov-21-Thu-2002/20095845.html
60. Keith said:
Billy & Wayne: it was a joke, although some Mormons do eschew caffeine, so I was making light of that fact by suggesting Utah might be the one place Starbucks couldn't penetrate. I can't believe you guys actually took time to research it.
61. jimmypage said:
d00ce: itís a beautiful thing going back home (family, friends, etc.). perhaps you could start a new book of mormon, or otherwise simply add a new-fangled take on revelatons.
this is a new day and age we live in. as most of the diehard will not understandÖ they continue to grow older. the young ones need to realize that they have a choice. revoltion, freedom, expansion of the closed-mindedness that slowly, but surely, turns them into nothing more than human robots.
NOT to mock them, d00ce, but rather to give the younger (not completely brainwashed) a new slant. in all honesty, heather, the best of luck to your and your husband.
-jp
62. Igor said:
I know a lovely mormon girl who is very afraid of sinning. But she loves Dr. Pepper. Little white sin ?
Vile food : KFC in Kent, Wa. I'd rather sleep with Freddy Krueger than eat there again.
Other : fries made with unpeeled potatoes... how can you eat that ?
Good : House of Blues in Marina Building, Chicago and Macy's basement restaurant in New York.
Bad Beer : Harpoon
63. smivey said:
According to Taco Bell, A tostada is nothing more than a deep fried tortilla slathered with reconstituted beans, a splash of "hot sauce, shredded lettuce and something that's supposed to be cheese. Now, if you ask me what a tortilla is, I'm seriously gonna hunt you down and dance on your face. People that have no clue about ethnic food, you suck.
64. Billy said:
Keith, baby -- There was no research involved. I got the joke, man. I was simply pointing out that nobody knew where they were or sent me on a wild goose chase. Oh, yeah, that wild goose chase thing I mentioned -- that's just a figure of speech -- I wasn't looking for geese. As for Wayne's comment, he's totally out there -- I don't know the guy.
65. A MORMON said:
FIRST OF ALL (and Dooce already knows this so this is to all you other ignorant guestbook signers) WE HAVE STARBUCKS, WE DRINK CAFFEINE, WE SAY HELL AND EVEN DAMN ON OCCASION (I even say shit while driving a whole lot), OUR UNDERWEAR AREN'T MAGIC (persay), WE ASSOCIATE WITH PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF THE MORMON RELIGION (most of my friends are catholic or ATHEIST) and YES, WE LIKE TOSTADAS, we also like a great other number of restaurants that you can't find out west but hey, you live with what you got. YES, the dry air sucks, (which is why you will see a lot more people picking their noses in their cars on their way to work in the morning). But HELL people, don't judge the whole church on a moron you knew in highschool... I know a TON of Catholic morons, even a few jewish and muslim ones but that sure doesn't make me think that they are all part of some psycho cult. Dooce, you rock. Good to have you here.
66. Keith said:
Billy -- they allow geese in Utah? :)
67. Totah DinÈ said:
That's a fine example of Utah Mormon defensive behavior. Utah Mormon's are VERY sensitive and defensive when it comes to their religion. There's a good reason for it, they get bashed a lot. As to the tostadas, there's always Del Taco or Dos Hermanos.
68. HurgleGurgle said:
"NOT to mock them, d00ce, but rather to give the younger (not completely brainwashed) a new slant. in all honesty, heather, the best of luck to your and your husband. -jp"
Let us start a Church of Dooce!
69. A MORMON said:
Utah Mormon defensive behaviour? I am from Canada! HAHAHAHA... and I thought I was being more funny then defensive. Oh well, you can't win em all.
70. the propagandist said:
mormon:
i think you're funny. and my magic underwear comment was more a play on the masonic slant of some of the mormon ceremonies...and yes, there are idiots everywhere, and in every religion.
i'm just bitter 'cause as a non-mormon i couldn't see my best friend's REAL wedding...they wouldn't let me in the inner sanctum...
71. kgjbnme said:
people, people... can't we all just get along? [signed, The She-Agnostic Who Comes From The Land Of The Southern Baptists]
72. H. Gurgle said:
The actual weddng ceremony is pretty brief and unspectacular, for what it's worth.
73. brandon said:
All I really want to know is...is it true that mormon priests (pastors, parsons, etc.) sleep with the bride before the husband gets a shot?
74. Dave Thomas said:
Or course, but not before popping over to the nearest temple to ceremonially eat a baby or two.
75. A MORMON said:
HAHAHAHA. Brandon, you are fricking hilarious. What planet are you from again?
76. garrett said:
It's been interesting for a few days, but I have to admit all the Mormon Mormon Mormon talk is becoming slightly monotonous.
Anyway... Dooce, I can't help you out with Taco Bell tostadas, but skip the fast food and have a tostada at the Rio Grande Cafe. Better food, better atmosphere, only slightly more expensive.
77. Karen said:
Your site is a riot! I love it!
Taco Bell has tostadas?! Damn! I live in Ogden Utah! Shit - see what I'm missing?! ;-) I could see them not serving marguritas, but tostadas?!!!
78. Brandon said:
The planet for the criminally misinformed.
79. scot-on-the-rocks said:
Good for your resolve to NOT bash the Mormon faith. I too discovered that it is not for everybody..and I've simply let go of the need to judge others for their decisions, "to be, or not to be..." In the end, we all find our respective paths, don't we? And if it's all about exhaultation anyway, some will some won't...so what!
its followers are certainly a people apart, but a cult as one suggested, get a grip! we all search out the mysteries as best we can..and each of us grows "line upon line ...precept upon precept"...
yeah, been there, done that and know how it works. i concluded, that even with free will in the mix, ALL is in Divine Right Order, and time is an illusion.
i enjoy your writing enormously. ya know, you don't seem to have been diminished in the least by your life as a missionary or the endowments that took you there..
Party on Dooce!
80. www.mulletsinUtah.com said:
Oh yeah! Check out the kick ass Ogden mullet.
81. www.mulletsinutah.com said:
yes, I know i'm going straight to hell for the previous post. But, they'll find me there with a small pile of golden plates, inscribed with a goodness only I can decipher.
82. Brent said:
In Ulaanbataar this past August, in the middle of a country sparsely populated by an Buddhist-cum-atheist nomadic peoples -- in the middle of nowhere -- I watched a series of young Mormon missionaries work on converting a country. I sometimes wonder whether the Mormon church is so successful because, in some way, it brings the all-but-magic wonders of the first world to the people of the third.
83. snide motherfucker said:
How 'bout them Catholics, huh?
84. Igor said:
It seems to me that most religions would be far more agreeable if they didn't have a "convert as many people as you can" clause in their flavor of bible.
85. me2 said:
Dear A MORMON (in Canada), I live among many Mormons and find them consistently thoughtful, kind and considerate to others. However, there are some attitudes encouraged by the LDS church that I find profoundly disturbing. To wit, attitudes toward: women (obedience to men), the environment (God gave it to us to use up), people of color (they should change their skin color like the Lamanites did), excommunication (don't even think about questioning anything the church says). I do not have exhaustive knowledge of the religion, so I'd be interested in your honest take on these things that bother me so much.
86. A MORMON said:
Dear Me2, you might want to check your facts darling, they are a little skewed. At no point do I need to OBEY my husband, and as for the rest, well, seems like you have a surface knowledge... I hope you feel the same way towards a lot of other religions then, because there are MANY similarities between ours and many others. So please tell me, why the, is the finger always pointed at us? Why can't people just let us live our lives in peace? You have your beliefs I have mine. I am not asking you to agree with mine so please don't tell me why mine aren't right, especially if you have your facts mixed up.
87. me2 said:
Dear A MORMON, I'm sorry if I upset you. I guess I should have known I would. But that honestly was not my intent. I know I don't necessarily have all the facts, let alone have them straight, so I was asking because I wanted to know.
88. Kukuberra said:
I was a mormon til 14. My family is also in Utah, logan, provo, heber and I go back once a year. The most horrible thing about Utah to me is the boring samness of it all. I live in NYC now. And the Man is the head of the house hold. I was taught the men were given the preisthood so they would be a spiritual as women naturally are but the final decision still is the man's. And...they only took the word "obey" out of the mormon wedding ceremony in 1994. And look up some of the reports on Joseph Smith's historically documented behavior. There's a lot the Church doesn't mention. It's not half as clean and good in it's history as I was taught.
But mostly they're good people
89. me2 said:
Thanks for your perspective, Kukuberra.
90. Jeanette said:
I just don't understand how you can be so funny all the time! I mean I'm ROFL at every post and I'm a long-time reader!
Oh, and I would be as upset as you if I couldn't get what I wanted from Taco Bell (although mine is a soft taco supreme -meat +beans).