Cardio
When Jon and I were living in Los Angeles so very long ago we tortured ourselves three times a week by running a public staircase in Santa Monica. I think I've talked about the staircase before, but in case I haven't or in case you care, I'll tell you that there are 175 stairs on the staircase, and that within 2 months of running them with me, my husband lost over 20 pounds. Not that my husband really needed to lose 20 pounds or drop 4 trouser sizes, because anyone who knows my husband knows that humans don't normally come in his size, very very tall and as lanky as an adjustable Gumby doll.
The thing is, the thing is that I haven't ever found an exercise as intense as running that public staircase. I'm confident that after two years of running those stairs I could take out any of the champion dogs on the Iditarod. I'm in the best shape of my life, even better than in high school when my metabolism was so ferocious that I could look at a chocolate cake from across the room and digest it telepathically.
And it's been two weeks since we last ran those stairs, two very long and lazy weeks filled with cornbread stuffing, yams, pumpkin pie, and everything on the menu at Taco Bell, sans tostada, motherfuckers. And as far as I know, the only comparable staircase within 200 miles is next to a student parking lot at BYU in Provo. And people, there aren't enough tostadas on earth to lure me back to that Nazi-infested idiot farm, don't ask me how I really feel about it.
So Jon and I are testing out an athletic club down the road from my mother's house, and it's an athletic club in the suburbs because my mom lives in the suburbs, and because she lives in an affluent suburb, this affluent suburban athletic club is riddled with the rich, the white, and the suburban, and while Jon and I may be white, neither of us are rich or suburban, and we stick out like two engorged and bulbous toads.
And I'm sure that athletic clubs in suburbs all across America look just like this one, but this one is in Utah, and I've never been so painfully aware of my whiteness among white people before. Maybe it's because everyone is blonde and painfully pale, or maybe it's because today I overheard a man ask his trainer, "How can I sleekify my glutes?"
But really, and I'm trying to be forgiving here, I can only listen to The Goddamn Cranberries "Linger" so many times while I'm trying to work up a sweat.
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FM Living
galt said:
glad to see UT has not yet changed your sensibilities.
count yourself as lucky...for two weeks I was a member (and dedicated attender) of a club that insisted on playing 'Pump it Up' every half hour. And I love Elvis, the right and true king.
12.06.02 - 08:15 AM / 1JSN said:
I can never listen to the Cranberries' "Linger," and certainly not while working up a sweat.
12.06.02 - 08:17 AM / 2galt said:
...but come to think of it, after those two weeks, my glutes had never been sleeker. so there's that. as you were.
12.06.02 - 08:18 AM / 3PJ said:
Once it gets cold, snowy and icy there you really shouldn't be running up and down stairs anyway.
12.06.02 - 08:47 AM / 4HurgleGurgle said:
I am fat, and my wife and I want to buy some exercise equipment because we live far away from a club.
Recommendations?
Also, I am activating the Dooce-locator device...affluent suburbs...BYU...
Lindon?
12.06.02 - 08:54 AM / 5Bastherself said:
Phew, I tried surburban living too. I drove the wrong car and looked to real I guess. By that I mean, I didn't have the tan, bleached blonde hair and fake boobs. drove a Corolla in the middle of SUV land. Talk about feeling insignificant and out of place. I applaud your effort. So are you and the hubby looking for a place of your own soon? How's Chuck?
12.06.02 - 09:02 AM / 6Naaman said:
Don't the anxiety attacks from "Linger" bring your metabolism back up to speed?
12.06.02 - 09:04 AM / 7Jen said:
Where do you live? Whereabouts? I'm right downtown SLC, I could maybe think of some good staircases.
12.06.02 - 09:09 AM / 8Funtime Ben said:
It's not the size of the staircase that matters, It's how you use it.
12.06.02 - 09:21 AM / 9Beerzie Boy said:
Get dark glasses, blinders, and a CD Walkman, for Pete's sake.
12.06.02 - 09:31 AM / 10Sarah B. said:
God, at least it's not that fucking "Zombie" song. Just thinking about it makes me want to punch someone.
12.06.02 - 09:49 AM / 11Brent said:
I've wondered, sometimes, how the rest of the country gets its recreational exercise. I mean, here in LA, it's sort of a birthright -- you've got those public staircases everywhere, you've got a forty-mile bicycle-inline-walking path paved along the beach, you've got mountain trails surrounding you, and you've GREAT weather year-round. Plus, you've got lots of friends (e.g., examples) who spend their days using the resources. Leave LA and I'm not sure what one does. Really! Where do you find a car-free inline skating path in the middle of surburban America? And if you do find it, how do you use it in the middle of a white winter?
But, of course, there you have it: you have to change your ways elsewhere. Go indoors and pay for the privilege.
Good old LA!
12.06.02 - 09:57 AM / 12ME said:
Mmmm, dooce and her sleekified glutes....
12.06.02 - 09:58 AM / 13kgjbnme said:
I'd gladly kill Enrique Iglesias for a case of beer. And if I hear "Hero" at my gym One. More. Time. .... I will, so help me dog.
12.06.02 - 10:24 AM / 14Ex-liontamer said:
You askin' the wrong motherfuckah 'bout running staircases. Me and my 300+ ass take the escalator, thankyouveddymuch.
12.06.02 - 10:45 AM / 15Jen said:
Maybe there's something to a gym playing top 40's crap while people are working out... It makes me angry, which makes me work out harder. Could it be a conspiracy?
12.06.02 - 10:51 AM / 16Kevin from Seattle said:
Glad you survived the trip. Hope you enjoyed yr sojourn in our neighborhood. Pictures?
But speaking as someone deeply suspicious of neologisms, I gotta speak. The English language, one of the treasures of world culture, contains no such word as "sleekify," and anybody who thinks it does needs to be sent to remedial classes. This point is not negotiable.
We're waiting to hear how Chuck responds to snow.
12.06.02 - 10:52 AM / 17Zeek said:
sleekified glutes? Jesus, somebody aught to hit that man.
12.06.02 - 10:56 AM / 18Miss Mea-Mea said:
You mean someone is STILL playing "Linger?" God, wasn't that killing the radio in 1992 or something?
To this day, every time I hear that song I substitute the refrain for "Did you have to pull my finger...did you have to, did you have to, did you have to pull my fingerrrrrr..."
12.06.02 - 11:08 AM / 19. said:
why do people spend so much of their free time tearing others down?
12.06.02 - 11:12 AM / 20ex southern babtist said:
Yes, how is chuckles doing?
12.06.02 - 11:20 AM / 21dirtybilllover said:
Ooooh. I had a downstairs neighbor who would play "Zombie" over and over again...and then one day she stopped. Only to pick up a guitar that she couldn't play very well and start singing no caterwauling the lyrics at the top of her lungs. This went on several weeks. The next time I saw her she was out on the lawn having a fist fight with her 8-month pregnant sister. Cranberries. ::long shudder::
12.06.02 - 11:26 AM / 22thepropagandist said:
at my club, people take the elevator from the parking lot so they can climb the stairmaster for half an hour.
and they don't even live in the white suburbs.
12.06.02 - 11:37 AM / 23jennifer said:
so... are Marc(k?) Anthony and Enrique Iglesias two different people? I hope you find some non nazi stairs soon.
12.06.02 - 11:37 AM / 24The Deuce said:
If I can ever pull myself out of this drunken stupor, I'm dedicating my next run of the public staircase (aka "THE Stairs") to Mr. and Mrs. Dooce. I was just there last weekend, and you'll be relieved to know that some things never change: Noori is still a whore. (Apparently.)
Re: The Stupor--While I'm fairly certain it's OK to go to a bar (Max's) by yourself, I do recognize that it's just wrong that my tab exceeds $40.
12.06.02 - 11:45 AM / 25beth said:
*sleekify*? wow. sleekify. y'know the more you type that, the sillier it looks. sleekify. i'm in awe, and not in a good way. ;)
12.06.02 - 11:52 AM / 26Michele said:
Not to be anal or anything, but wouldn't that be "Mr. and Mrs. Blurbodooce"?...unless Jon took Heather's name ;)By the way...how is Chuck adjusting to Utah?
12.06.02 - 12:00 PM / 27Kevin from Seattle said:
Sorry for the redundancy above in re: "speak" and "speaking." There really oughta be a grammar check in this thing.
12.06.02 - 01:03 PM / 28Your Parole Officer said:
I go to the gym at least 4 days out of the week, so I may be a bit pessimistic of other people, but... When I see someone order a DIET coke with their Big Mac Hunk o' Fat with extra grease, and then whine because Micky D's never informed them that their burgers were fattening before they gained 200 lbs. I swear... they should go fornicate themselves with an iron stick. Just what do they expect that DIET coke to do??? Save yourself the denial and have a regular coke, for godssakes.
12.06.02 - 02:01 PM / 29Ariel said:
Since I live in Venice, I'd like to know where THE stairs are in Santa Monica, so perhaps I can go run them.
12.06.02 - 02:50 PM / 30