Exclamation Point, Special Organic Free Range Chicken Broth Edition
Thursday, December 7 2006
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Oh dear.
Late last week I was going through my special hatemail folder -- it's called "Hate is all you need" and every time I open it four butterflies explode out of my computer and kiss me on my nose -- and realized that I had enough really good ones to put out a fall collection. (You can see the Spring Edition here and the Summer Edition here) There's a particular gem I got sent a couple weeks ago from someone who lives in Salt Lake City, and after ranting about how my website sucks because it doesn't give him a boner, he goes on to tell me where he lives, what his car looks like, where it is parked, and then dares me to show up and throw a rock at his windshield. For a brief moment I considered heading out to find his car, only instead of smashing his windows I'd put a little note underneath the windshield wiper with the name of a good therapist and 10 dollars to help with the co-pay. And then sign it, "Hugs and kisses!"
But Friday night I wrote a little something about organic free range chicken broth mistakenly thinking that I was being ridiculous enough about it that people would know I was joking. That I don't hate chickens. That, in fact, I firmly believe chickens should live as unencumbered as possible, that their lives should be filled with happiness and joy and leisure. And many, many hand jobs.
And, oh, the hatemail that followed. Turns out hatemail about chickens is a lot more colorful than hatemail from Mormons. The Mormons obviously need to try harder.
The idea of organic free range chickens isn't necessarily funny, but when you put that label on a box of chicken broth, there is an incongruity there that is a little absurd. As if the broth water itself was out grazing feed next to the barn. And then there is the whole idea (an idea I agree with, mostly) that chickens should be allowed to live more fulfilling lives, lives where they are allowed to roam free and sleep in better cages, at least right up until we cut off their heads and eat their juicy thighs with a little bit of lemon pepper marinade. It's like, here chicken, be happy! Relax! WE NEED YOU TO TASTE BETTER.
I didn't mention that Jon and I often buy organic food, and agree that it is usually (although, not always) healthier for you, because the whole point of that post was to poke fun at my mother who was horrified when she realized that she agreed with a very liberal approach to farming. It just doesn't match up with how her world is set up, one where you're not supposed to care about the chickens, don't you know that the chickens were put here by God so that we could eat them? Also? Those chickens totally had it coming because I have prayed about it and the Lord told me they are rotten, dirty whores.
According to the email I got in response to that post, I guess you're not supposed to joke about chicken broth. Ever. This website is now on the Official Shit List of the Organic Free Range Chicken Broth People. And my, are they a testy bunch.
Let's start with this one from Jason who I'm guessing would not laugh if I came up behind him and stuck a fork in his butt:
Well, I've never been a huge blogger, I read them once in a while, but I was forwarded your blog today by a friend. Things must be really slow in Utah around Thanksgiving, or maybe its the cold.
I'm unsure how Free Range Chicken Broth is funny, or for that matter how it would be funnier than Free Range Chicken?
Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it isn't true.
First I find it funny that you have no clue how to make Chicken broth. Then after admitting to this ignorance, go on to comment about how, in your infinite wisdom, you can't understand how the qualities of a chicken would be transferred to the broth made from that chicken.
It's like saying I don't understand how Vitamin C makes it from an orange into orange juice. Boggles the mind.
Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it isn't true. Hmm... that ringing in my ears is the sound of... delicious free range condescension.
Here's one from from Megan:
Just wanted to let you know that due to your ignorant and uneducated post about free-range chicken I will no longer waste my time reading your blog. In the past I have always enjoyed your wit and regularly stop in to catch up on your life, however your latest post has honestly left me annoyed. Do you even know what free-range means? I am so not a hater normally, but you sound like a moron in your post. Please do yourself (and your family) a favour and research Organic Agriculture and Sustainability. Failing that, consider what it would be like for Chuck to live out his days in a cage, sitting in his own feces and urine, never getting a change to move his body. Does this sould fair to you? And if that doesn't get your attention, perhaps you might want to consider all the antibiotics and hormones an animal is given when kept in subpar living conditions on a factory farm. Mmmm yummy. Honestly there are many more reasons why one might consider organic free-range products but I've already spent enough time writing this post. As a last note, not everyone who believes in saving our environment is a hippy. I in fact am wearing makeup right now!
Chuck isn't supposed to be living his days out in a cage eating his own feces? Is that what you're telling me? A LOT OF GOOD THAT DOES ME NOW, MEGS.
This next one is from a reader named Rich:
Free range chicken broth may seem hippie to you, but there are many reasons you should consider buying it over regular broth. Organic food as well as food raised free range [blah blah blah, several long, complicated sentences here about the history of the meat industry, blah blah] and while [blah blah, more long sentences, blah] it can only [blah blah] but [blah]...
...
[blaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]
...
Therefore, organic is better for you, and if [BLLLLLAAAAAAAAAHHHHH] ...
...
I wish you would educate yourself and your readers about this very important issue. Use your power for good.
Thank you, Rich, for that very useful, very lengthy primer on agriculture. Although you might want to take a different approach in the future when you're trying to convince someone that you are right and they are wrong. First, you should make sure that the person disagrees with you. That usually helps.
Then try to be a little less civilized. Call them names. Spit. Misspell a few words. Go wild and add a punctuation mark where none is called for. USE A SENTENCE FRAGMENT (!!) Because something tells me you haven't ever done any of these things, and that your inner six year old yearns to be set free.
Here's one from Ted:
You don't have any idea what your talking about, and you shouldn't pass judgement on things in which you are ignorant. It makes you look like an idiot. I am not going to take the low road and hurl some ridiculous insult at you, because I think you would get some twisted sense of joy out of it. Rather, I will simply say, I hope this e-mail ruins your day, and that you would take a long hard look at the words you write. There are many people who believe in the power of organic foods, and most of the ones I know are just as sensitive to marketing hype as you. I happen to know the guy that started this particular chicken broth company, and I can assure you his office doesn't have a 14th floor.
Next time you decide to laugh about something that really isn't funny, why don't you at least do your homework and educate yourself so you don't sound like a moron.
Normally I think you are funny...but in this case I think you are the one that should think about your conscience before you go to bed tonight. The truly ironic thing is that you are writing about being a better democrat when in actuality, you sound like some some stupid republican who is talking about how we are in Iraq to protect democracy. Good luck with that.
People who believe in the power of organic food? You mean like people who believe in the power of the Holy Spirit? Because if that's what you mean, I'm sorry, I would never intentionally poke fun at a religion on this website. Maybe.
Speaking of religion, here's one from Donaleen:
Do you know how non free range chickens are raised? They are kept in cages so small they can't move around. They are covered in chicken shit because the cages are stacked. And they are often rather bald because of the conditions. The ones that lay eggs are definitely bald. The chickens are given poor food and lots of antibiotics. They are nutritionally bad. And they taste bad.
It DOES matter how your food is produced. The chicken tastes different. The eggs taste different. And I make my own chicken broth from free range chickens. It is fucking amazing. It can heal the sick and raise the dead.
I don't know about you, but now that I know that the eggs I eat for breakfast every morning might possibly be laid by a bald chicken, a rather bald chicken, waking up is going to be a hundred percent more awesome.
This one is from Lynn:
There is actually a significant nutritional difference in free range fed animals vs. confined, grain-fed and feedlot-fattened animals. In particular the omega 3 content and omega 3 to omega 6 ratio of animals raised close to their natural roots is much better. I don't eat chicken at all, but if I did I would only eat free range fed chicken.
I included this one not because it was particularly mean, but because I wanted to juxtapose it with a link to this research study that several readers forwarded to me, and it says this:
But organic poultry is actually less nutritious, contains more fat and tastes worse than its mass-produced equivalent, research has shown.
Tests on supermarket chicken breasts showed that organic versions contained lower levels of health-boosting omega 3 fatty acids than other varieties, including non-organic free-range poultry.
As usual, the best part about that link is the comments section where someone says something like, "The welfare of the chickens is paramount. High time we considered the chickens before always putting our interests first." To someone who already thinks organic free range chickens are a good thing, that sounds totally normal. But, to someone who doesn't, that sounds like this: THINK OF THE CHICKENS! WE MUST SAVE THE CHICKENS! THE CHIIIIIIIICCCCKKKKKEEENNNNSSSSSSS!
Here's the only one that included multiple exclamation points, and it did not disappoint. From Julie:
You have finally crossed the line with this one. Why is free range chicken broth so funny? It isn't!!! Have you seen the pictures of chickens are are raised on those mass farms? They are so sad and helpless and did not ask to live that way. How would YOU like to watch your dog live that way? YOU would never let him live that way, so why is it OK for CHICKENS to live that way? ITS NOT!!! People like you shouldn't be allowed to own animals. I feel sorry for your dog!!!!
I do too, because when we finally get tired of taking him on walks and decide to eat him, we won't be boiling him in organic free range chicken broth, that's for sure.
1. NixMom said:
Ok, I'm starting to think there is a link between organic free range chicken consumation and losing your sense of irony. Or your sense of humor. Or both. Get a grip people!
Valerie
2. Alissa Szarek said:
Donaleen is holding out on us! If her amazing chicken broth raises the dead, she's using more than just organic chickens. That's for sure.
3. Teeny225 said:
Hmm, who would've thought that organic free range chicken broth could be such a polarising issue...
4. lizabithann said:
Seriously? We're arguing over chicken broth? Come on...
5. The LCA said:
How do these people even think of these responses?
6. typingelbow said:
The hippy community seems a little lethargic with the comments. I expected a lot more exclamation points and SHOUTING on behalf of the little chicks. I bet your mom is still losing sleep over agreeing with them though, so that's good.
7. smiffy said:
"I hope this email ruins your day"
This is what is wrong with the world today. These people clearly have some issues that need to be dealt with.
8. jenp said:
Does anyone else remember the faux "We Are the World" about chickens on Saturday Night Live a long time ago?
Mister farmer, take that feeding tube out of that chicken's throat
Let's build a world where cages don't exist
Tell the children to tell the world
to tell the chickens that we are on our way...
9. soccer mom in denial said:
That post was hysterical. Do these people have no sense of humor?
10. Susan said:
OMG! (Or should that be !!!!!) Some people not only don't have any sense of humor, they also apparently can't read and comprehend at the same time. Maybe they've been kept in a cage and not allowed to communicate with the rest of the free range people. Too funny. If it wasn't just so sad that they actually spent the time to write to you about it.
11. Hope said:
Heather,
We all love you, I cracked up when I read the chicken broth post. (Mostly beacuse I thought almost the same thing at the store the other day!) I wonder what would happen if you decided to combinde both chickens and Mormans in a post...Oh the horror :)
12. Amanda Johnson said:
GOOD FREAKIN' GRIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's called a life, people. Get one.
13. Just a trumpet player said:
Funny how people who claim to have read your blog for years still don't get your sense of humour ?
14. MelissaS said:
I love all the 'You have finally crossed the line!' comments. I can just picture them reading and just screaming at the screen, "OH *THAT* IS IT!"
15. Susan said:
And, oh yeah, my favorite line: "I am so not a hater normally." Heather, you just pushed her over the hater line.
16. Lizzy said:
Thanks for sharing the hate...too funny.
17. Nancy said:
LOL . . . quality of chicken life has always been one of my top priorities when grocery shopping! And what about the poor little dolphins that get caught in tuna nets?? I think you need to address that issue too! I went to lunch one day with my boss, a University administrator, and another professor. This other professor would NOT order tuna because of the dolphins and went onto tell us about how chickens just had no quality of life. My boss laughed and laughed . . . and went onto order his chicken sandwich. Of course this other professor is also a guy who spent over 60 hours on a greyhound bus to go to a conference because he was afraid to fly . . .
18. Alda said:
Oh man. Thanks for the best laugh I've had all day. The mind boggles - it truly does!
19. kissmytiara said:
Holy chit, it's CHICKEN BROTH. Ha! What a way to start off my morning. Thanks, fools!
20. discopitbull said:
I had no clue that Hippies knew how to write, I thought they all dropped out of school to go be free range humans? And what's with all the hate? I thought the 60's were all about peace and love. I suppose when it's something as tragically important as chicken broth, FREE RANGE CHICKEN BROTH!, that these folks are ready to lay down the plowshares and pick up their swords... Fun stuff, great post!
21. Gene said:
Looking forward to your post on veal and foie gras. Mmm, yummy! That oughta stir things up a little...
22. Bruno said:
Hippies ruin everything.
23. Frank said:
some people have no sense of humor.
do you think voodo priests get more juju out of free range chicken?
24. Angie Muldowney said:
Did no one mention the broth? Nobody ever thinks of the BROTH. For too long it has been boiled alive and trapped in tin or packet form - it needs to flow freely, to skip and jump in the fresh air and not be pumped full of crap (such as chicken - boy they have it easy). Broth rules, man!
25. christy said:
As James Taylor once said, "chicken chokin', mother f*cking pain."
26. nathanv said:
"Hmm… that ringing in my ears is the sound of… delicious free range condescension."
that has to be the funniest thing I've heard all week.
I don't give a sh*t what anyone says/does/writes/spouts/blurts.
Heather you keep writing, if only because it makes my day.
27. geokaz said:
I have to admit to being somewhat annoyed at the ignorance of the comments as well regarding the chicken broth and am relieved to discover that it was just me missing a sarcastic joke. It never would have turned me into a "hater", though. Hee hee.
I have to say as well that some people may have been confused about the joke because the eating habits discussed on this blog involving the Armstrong family usually revolve around some pretty unhealthy stuff and they may have just assumed one translated into the other. I'm just saying, I can see the evolution of confusion but not the magnitude of judgment. As always, fanaticism exists in every nook and cranny of every moral or ethical issue as the "haters" clearly show. Sorry you have to put up with as much chicken shit as the chickens on this one, Heather.
28. typealice said:
Do these hippies know that a LOT of "free range" chickens actually don't spend the majority of their lives outside? There is a rule that chickens are considered "free range" if they spend X amount of time outside of their cages, so most farmers will open up their cages to let them run free for that specific X amount of time (sometimes it's less than a DAY! Total!). The only way to ensure these people are actually eating true organic, free-range chickens is to raise them and then slaughter them themselves, but they're probably too wimpy to do that anyway.
Read up on it, kids! Free range isn't what you think it is.
29. Mary said:
I think there is a definate link between organic-free range chicken consumption and brain cell death. Brain cells in the part of your brain that tells you what's funny, no less.
30. mommyinjapan said:
I read your blog for the first time today and I think it is awesome. I spent about three hours reading through past blogs and laughed out loud so many times that it actually started to irritate my husband which was an added bonus.
Hate mail sucks and I'm glad you've found a way to deal with it.
31. beckyz said:
if folks don't like what you have to say they really need to stop reading your blog. i'm thankful you can find the humor in their asinine emails and brush off their foolish selves.
although i must admit, insane readers do make for incredibly funny hate mail posts like this one.
blog on...
32. DinerGirl said:
Those hippies can lick my butt. Stupid hateration.
33. Urs said:
but what about the chickens?!! what about the chhhiiiccckkkeeennnsss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
34. Sarah Shirilla said:
This is completely irrelevant, but while I was reading this I kept seeing the overly used "moron" as "mormon."
It made me giggle.
Oh, and viva la chicken.
35. Garret said:
I think I can explain the lack of exclaimation points and SHOUTING in the hippies posts..it's hard to work multiple key combinations when both your arms are wrapped around a tree!
The crunchy tree huggin hippies need a sense of humor, I personally LMAO when I read the post.
Keep it up!
36. DarlingNikki said:
OMG Heather I luv u. You are my hero. I found your post about free range chicken broth hilarious and I am a supporter of the chickens and their well-being. Some people are way too up-tight...
Give Chuck some kisses for me since they haven't made a way for me to send them by e-mail yet.
37. M@ said:
Okay, I'm with Alissa. Donaleen is definitely holding out on us. I wonder if she also knows how to turn lead into gold.
Probably a slight change to the recipe for three bean chili.....
Fess up Donaleen!
38. Sunni said:
YAY!!! I love hate mail!!! However, this batch was lacking in exclamation points!! Come on haters...get with the program!!!
39. katy66 said:
To be honest, I was surprised there was not a brigade of Volvo station wagons lined up, outside your house, with people ready to peg with organic, caffiene free, Green Tea tea-bags.
I was totally looking for that story to be on the national news.
SHAME ON YOU HEATHER!!@!$^@&(!$@!^&(@$!#@^&)!#*!#
40. Michelle said:
I find it ironic that these people are so concerned about "free range" and living conditions when, in the end, the chickens are slaughtered. No one seems to mind that. The "chicken" activists need to get their priorities straight. ..... I made this really awesome chicken recipe last night, with regular chicken bought at the Grocery, and it was delicious....
41. M@ said:
DinerGirl: Sorry, but I'll pass on the butt licking. Unless it tastes like Organic, FreeRange Chicken Broth. In that case, I'm in.
hateration? nice ;) gotta add that to my vocab
42. marymuses said:
If you're going to eat Chuck, of course you shouldn't boil him in free range chicken broth--you should be using free range dog broth, or at the very least free range wolf broth, as I don't think chicken flavor and canine flavor meld well. You could ruin a perfectly good meal by just choosing the wrong broth, just as you could ruin a perfectly good peanut butter sandwich by choosing the wrong jam.
43. mm said:
Wow. I can't believe people have reacted in such a hateful way. So let me get this straight...they don't mind saying mean things to you that may hurt your feelings, but they care that deeply about the chickens? People sure do have strange things that drive them these days.
44. Jesse said:
Why must everyone take every single word they read so seriously? And really, by now people have to realize you make Dennis Miller look like a cream puff. There's this thing, Internet...It's called a "sense of humor." Accept it and move on.
45. Rebecca said:
We must save the chickens! That is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time. Keep up the good work!
46. ChrisClark said:
"because when we finally get tired of taking him on walks and decide to eat him, we won’t be boiling him in organic free range chicken broth, that’s for sure."
That is the funniest darned conclusion I ever did read.
47. Tanya said:
I don't buy chicken broth, because chickens - free range or not - are just gross. But I do buy organic vegetable broth (it tastes better and is lower in sodium).
This whole debate has led me to wonder why my organic vegetable broth isn't free range?
Why should my carrots and celery have to live out their days in a cage, sitting in their own feces and urine?! (!!!)
48. reddirtgirl said:
Holy shit. I can't believe people who even sporadically read your site can't decipher the humor, sarcasm, and the poking fun at the Avon Queen. I am so glad that I am at least unaware of the overly-sensitive goofballs who live around me, but it would be fun to post their e-mails and giggle ridiculously as I hurled organic chicken broth at their lunacy.
49. Molly Chase said:
I think I just horked a big bite of bagel through my nose laughing at your hate mail.
I thought the chicken broth thing was hilarious. I now think it's even funnier.
50. Joan Horner said:
Priceless. When I was in Culinary School I had a chef who used to preface the chicken lecture with this statement;
'Chickens are filthy and disgusting creatures'.
I have seen chickens who are Free Range and are allowed to wander and peck at will, many of these chickens were bald from the other chickens pecking at them. Chickens are anxious creatures, pecking is what they do people.
I''d also like to point out that organic does have a government approved definition. Free Range, on the other hand does not. Free Range does not mean these chickens are sunning themselves on a chaise lounge sipping a worm and bug martini and discussing Proust. It simply means that they are not locked in cages sitting over a battery to produce eggs. They could actually be in a barn with 500 other chickens walking all over each other.
I could also discuss this lovely study (http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/
food/chicken-safety-1-07/overview/0107_chick_ov.htm)
that might give you hives and at least force you to bring your chicken home from the store and immediately remove it from that giant bacteria diaper stores pack it with to absorb the liquid, rinse it well, dry it well and put it in your own storage container, followed by washing the SHIT out of your hands with some good soap.
Having said all that, I still buy the Organic Free Range chicken broth when I am too busy to make my own. Why. It tastes good. Simple.
51. Tracy said:
You know, I hate to contradict Donaleen (ok, really, I don't care), but I've had organic, free-range chicken...smoked. And...well...the little bits of feathers that were left on it? Um...ew. Kinda scarred for life from that one. So, I'm all about the bald chicken. But then...I'm also a republican, so there ya go! :-)
52. anne nahm said:
hahahaha! I think you need a banner that says "using my powers for good by caging things in their own feces"
53. FeelinFroggy said:
Wow, you are so f***ing cool, you get hate mail on Organic Chicken Broth. Who else could create a stir on ORGANIC CHICKEN BROTH? I think that next you should put Chuck in a little cage and video tape it, do like a hostage situation until the hippies retreat.
What I found particularlly ironic is how idiotic the haters sounded while spouting off to you about your dislike of hippies and chicken. Hey haters, before you start flinging shit at people perhaps you should read more of the website so that you are "educated on what you are talking about." Hello pot, yeah its kettle, um YOUR BLACK.
Have you ever seen Chicken Run? Rent it RIGHT NOW. We've got to save the Chickens.
54. Vikki said:
I actually have a six pack of organic free range chicken broth at home. I had no idea it was medicinal and magical. My baby has a weird rash, maybe I can rub it on her back and the rash will miraculously disappear. I'll let you know.
It's a sad day when we can't even laugh about chickens.
55. tracy said:
I am laughing so hard I'm crying! People, in general, are hysterical. The people that wrote those letters are actually in hysteria. Even better!
Thanks for passing those along, you and your comments just made my day...
56. sarie26 said:
I've been reading your blog for about 6 months now and enjoying it completely, but this is the first time I've felt compelled to leave you a comment. And that, Heather, is the power of the free-range chicken.
57. shaynapunam said:
You are my hero.
I read the first post about the BROTH and laughed out loud. Who knew it could get better by bringing out the haters.
The fact that you compare Mormon hate mail, free range chicken broth hate mail, and get in a bonus mention of boiling your dog simply made my Thursday.
Thank you.
58. Andrea-cat said:
Wow. As a strict vegetarian, I laughed at the original post because I saw the (okay, here's a big word) HUMOR [insert necessary exclamation points!!!!] in the post. Lighten up folks! The patchouli is clouding your senses!
59. lellis31 said:
Does anyone even get the fact that "organic" actually tanslates into "grown in human feces?" E Coli anyone?????? (extra question marks just for you!)
60. Lori said:
Laughing out loud at these. Thank you for sharing! It is too bad that you get hate mail at all, but it did provide laughter for us and I hope for you also!
61. Allan said:
So. Let me get this straight.
Eating free-range chickens and drinking their blood will cause me to go bald?
;)
Great post, Heather. Brava!
62. 6degrees said:
Oh, boy... where to start...
What makes me laugh the most are the comments regarding poor Chuck (btw I STILL want me a Chuck... just saying, since it IS around Christmas time).
First, it is my assumption that any chicken that is raised to be slaughtered is probably not really a pet, per se. I'm not saying that due to that fact they should reside in sub-par conditions, but comparing chickens for slaughter and Chuck is like comparing asphalt to baklava... or something equally disparate, but more relevant... dealing with animals... like... oh, you get it, right?
63. Scottysmum said:
Oh.My.God.
So, my co-workers are worried about me as I laugh hysterically, tears rolling down my face - you know Dooce, you have finally done it - made me laugh at one of your posts t'il I cried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best, the best ... was that "Egg-laying chickens are DEFINATELY bald". How? The.Hell! Does someone know that?!?!?!?!?!?
Ok - so- I've been reading your posts for about 1 month now, since the picture scandel brought me here. Clearly - these were from first time readers, yes? I mean .. they should know where you stand about animal wellfare by now, right? You know. They must know about the TORTURE you put your dog through daily? Placing every conceivable object on his head, taking his picture and then flashing his sweet mug on the internet .. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasp, the HUMILIATION!
Anyway, I never laughed so hard as I did this morning .. THANKS for that!
Oh and, BTW, I THOUGHT there was something funny about my Grecian Formula tasting scrambled eggs this morning, it ALL makes so much more sense now!
Cheers, and keep up the GREAT work!
64. Molicious said:
This is about 15 different kinds of awesome. I love it when people get all pissed off about the most idiotic crap.
65. Amy said:
If I weren't terrified of the nasties on the floor in my office I would be rolling right now! You are freaking hilarious.
I work in the organic food industry, making no money while protecting organic farmers (the small ones with no money, too!), and apparently have a much better sense of humor than many of your readers because I thought your post about the chickens was overwhelmingly hilarious! God I love your blog!
I also love run on sentences and comma splices!
66. MulattaPreta said:
wow. people really DO have 2 much time on their hands. just think if they put all that energy into providing shelter 4 the homeless, or helping people in darfur...
67. LateModel said:
Yes, you must use your power for good. You could encourage everyone to get rid of their dogs and have pet chickens. I bet your mother would enjoy having some chickens running around organicing and free-ranging anywhere they please.
68. salmonday said:
That's what boggles me the most about these responses, is that they still don't seem to get that the big irony you were laughing at was that organic free-range chicken broth is so much more fundamentally humane because you treat them to a little fresh air before you EAT THEM and simmer their flesh in water.
Anyway, that having been said, now it's my turn to miss the point I guess, because I don't understand why someone who sent you a detailed, thoughtful, grammatically correct, and civil e-mail about the meat industry (even if it was on the long-ish side) deserves to get thrown up there. It's an opposing opinion, not hate mail. It makes it seem like any dissenting ideas = hate mail for you, and that doesn't seem right.
Of course, having disagreed now myself, I'm probably off to the hate mail folder as we speak. *straps on his helmet and protective pads*
69. Maura said:
The funniest part of Megan's email wasn't the stuff about Chuck, it was this:
"As a last note, not everyone who believes in saving our environment is a hippy. I in fact am wearing makeup right now!"
Me, too, Megan. Me, too.
70. Megan said:
Free Range Chicken Broth tastes like ass. Give 'em the cage I say.
71. tyratae said:
(said in the creepy Heroes whisper):
"save the chickens. save the world!"
72. Milissa said:
Does anyone else find it rather, um, sick that several of the haters find it necessary to compare eating chicken to eating Chuck? No? Where are these people from? I may eat feces covered, oppressed chickens, but I refuse to eat my family pet. Just a thought.
73. Wicked H said:
It is obvious from this display that the free-range lovers who took the time to write to you are completely devoid of the ability to digest humor. Might be all the free range goodness, the pancreas cannot break down both simultaneously.
How very sad for them.
On the other hand, how extraordinarily entertaining for the rest of us.
74. mark said:
I'm loosing my faith in democracy, Heather. Please tell me none of those emails came from registered voters.
75. AmySilk said:
"I hope this email ruins your day"
The venom. Over chickens. You know what I blame for this? Kiddie movies. Like Chicken Run. I honestly believe these people think chickens really do sit around and discuss deep life changing things and are constantly aware of what lies on the other side of their chicken housing facility. THE MACHINE. I guarantee this is not the case. The kiddie movies lie... don't believe me? Every damn chicken in that movie had teeth. 'Nuff said.
People who value animals over people bother me. Though don't get me wrong, some people deserve it. I'd take a chicken, free-range or poop-covered, over any of these knuckleheads.
76. SydneyDawn said:
HA HA! Those were great. Thanks for brightening my day. Your humor is always appreciated.
77. Sarah said:
Is there a group that makes wigs for the bald chickens? Because there totally should be. They shouldn't have to suffer the embarrassment of that!!
Obviously people aren't *really* thinking about the chickens.
;-)
78. toddlermama said:
I've been cooped up in the house with sick kids all week. I need some major fun. And now, thanks to Dooce, I know just what to do. A CHICKEN PARTY! We own the movie "Chicken Run" and will watch it while eating a (non-organic!) Chik-Fil-A dinner with breaks only to do the Chicken Dance with Chicken Dance Elmo. And before bed, we can all down a nice, warm cup of organic, free range chicken broth. Maybe even with marshmallows atop. Unless someone knows a good chicken dessert...?
79. h.m. said:
some people are in a constant state of looking for soemthing to be offended by. and, in my experience, those same people rarely listen thoroughly to what you're actually saying. instead, they hear that you mention the topic, then jump at the chance to hear their own argument (whether or not it even contradicts yours).
apparently irony is a free-range bitch that some people can't handle.
80. Rbelle said:
I have always tried to believe that there is some good in all people. It is amazing to me that someone wrote an email actually intending to ruin your day (not that it did) over a blog post (that was funny!). That truly shows the evil that can rest in a persons heart. Those little "x's" exist in your browser for a reason people--- if you don't like something just close it and move on.
81. wealhtheow said:
I have heard that free-range basically means they open the door to the chicken barn, and say "You guys can go outside now, if you want. Really." And then the chickens all just stay inside. This may or may not be true.
I still tend to buy free-range, though, because I like to think the chickens have as many choices in life as possible before they are brutally slaughtered for my eventual consumption.
Also, I think the Vatican should look into that chick's chicken broth, if it can truly raise the dead. Maybe the chicken it was made from was the Messiah, come to earth to redress our sins in the form of brothy goodness.
82. LikeALurker said:
Weehhhh!! Comments ARE OPEN!!!
Theres's so much to be said here - Free Range Humans, taste like ass, I feel sorry for your dog....
But I LOVE - Free Range Bitch _ I may change my screen name to that!1
Seriously though - hate mail can really do a number on a person, I'm glad you handle it in this manner, share it with us all and I hope it makes it all better for you.
83. Laurie said:
Great post!
People sure do enjoy their own high horse anger, do they not? I missed the part in your earlier post where you talked about being pro chicken torture. It must have been a subliminal message readable only to those carrying a chicken chip on their shoulders. or in their heads.
Alas, poor Chuck, obviously anyone who didn't know organic free range chicken broth existed cannot possibly be a good dog parent. I was shamefully ignorant of this fact until now as well. We who are dog unworthy must surely do penance by offering foster chicken care in our homes. with court supervision of course.
84. Yenny said:
Donaleen -- Your homemade chicken broth heals the sick and raises the dead....but does it make the little girlies dance outta their heads?
85. Latisha said:
Hahahaha
People are such idiots! Are they seriously serious? I can't believe they even took time out of their "chicken saving" lives to write those e-mails. All over some broth? Written on a blog? So those "organic" chickens, well they just have it so much better, than ya know the "mass produced" ones. But don't they all end up on our kitchen tables? To be devoured by people? So the organic ones get rice and gravey? As opposed to the "mass produced" getting ketchup? Ooooo...what kind gets both?
Love your site Heather. It's SO politically un-correct.
86. Molly said:
I am now completely convinced that you could write anything - ANYTHING - on your website, and someone, perhaps a small handful of people, would be ridiculously and personally offended. You just know that a post like "I love my family. I love the sunshine. Yay world!" Would yield people lecturing you on starving children in Africa and how sunlight is bad for you, and You do not let Leta play outside do you because YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MOTHER and something about not everyone has a family, you are so selfish.
The grammar was intentionally bad up there. ;) WHY do people have nothing better to do with their time than to find the bad and amplify it? Seriously. Close your window if you don't like it.
And lastly, I'm pretty sure your fans GREATLY outweigh your...non-fans? :P
87. rhm said:
Wow. I'm always amazed by the people that will email a complete stranger to gripe about something they read on that stranger's blog. Really? Is that all you have to do with your time? And do you not understand sarcasm? Irony? But I'm glad they email, because it sure makes for some funny posts!
88. smoness said:
Some people really need to lighten up.
Anyone who is THAT passionate about it just needs to be a f-ing vegetarian...
89. emily said:
I'm sorry, did I miss the part where you made fun of the mental disabled?? I think you need to post a blog on the definition of “humor†or “sarcasmâ€â€¦â€¦
90. LikeALurker said:
I missed "save the chicken, save the world"
heh-heheeeee
Heroes is a great show!
FreeRangeBitch
91. TxSuzyQ said:
Oh dear lord, I need some of that miraculous, homemade, free range chicken broth! I done got a me a chicken that needs to be raised from the dead. :P
I just cannot imagine that people would take the time to sit down and compose an email and complain about something so utterly ridiculous. LOL Can you imagine the hate mail the president must get?
92. Nat W. said:
Oh, wow. People are very passionate about their chicken broth.
Also, it seems hypocritical to be all worried about the conditions the chickens are living in and then eat the chicken. Just a thought.
93. Erica said:
I am glad to know Megan is not normally a hater...it is just the chickens bringing it out in her.
And where, in heavens name, does Donaleen find the time to make free range, home made, ass-kickin', raising the dead, fucking amazing chicken broth?
Love you work Heather. Sorry about the hate mail, but thanks for turning it into a good story.
94. ecileh said:
The ones that lay eggs are definitely bald.
Best. Ridiculous statement. Ever.
95. crzylady said:
to be honest i was a little butt hurt over the chicken comments, but the back of my mind kept yelling "heather's no dummy. of course she doesn't want animals to be hurt." but i am relieved to see it moved some people to write some thoughtful comments because i live in idaho and people around her might actually be worse than in utah... while chickens having their beaks ripped out so they don't peak others to death won't make most i work with bat an eyelash they get mighty mighty heated about service in a restaurant (honestly, my co-workers had a 20 minute argument which included flushed faces and raised voices over whether one's meal should be comped if something in the order was wrong). sad times.
96. Andrew W said:
"...camera pans to reveal what is actually a puppy-broth mill. Hundreds of caged dogs of indeterminate breed are in cages stacked ten high. Spaghetti drops from one bald puppy head to another, ending up on a cold floor strewn with pasta, fur, feces, broth, and pages upon pages of confessional poetry."
97. Lisa J said:
Wow, Heather. I bet you didn't realize how much power you actually have. You, with one post, are practically sending more troops to Iraq AND bringing down the organic farming movement. "Use your power for good" - perhaps promote bathing in free range chicken broth. More free range broth! It just feels better!
98. Lisa_in_TX said:
After reading today’s post, it became painfully clear to me that there are many people out there who simply just need to get laid or maybe just a free-range hand job. Somebody needs to tell your readers that they should just go ahead and masturbate. Go on people. MASTERBATE!! I dare ya!!
99. mom2lala said:
I am still laughing. Great to see that chickens can get this type of response. I was afraid we people were still worrying about the more important things in life.
100. Mindy said:
I think Megan has watched a few too many one-sided documentaries on how chickens are raised on "factory farms" as she calls them. I'm sorry to keep this ridiculous discussion going, but I got my B.S. in Agriculture and know that one of the major producers of chicken in this country does not house all it's chickens in small cages where they go bald and sit in their own feces (oh, horror of horrors), they are free to roam about & socialize with their little chicken buddies in heated & cooled chicken houses. Maybe that'll help someone sleep better at night knowing their little chicken nuggets weren't bald.
101. globaljen said:
My husband doesn't normally read dooce - he doesn't read any blogs. I *made* him read your Organic Chicken post - and he thought it was hysterical. And he's a happy-clappy organic-only vegetarian (and the reason he's veggie? Chickens!!).
Personally I love chickens - my mum has three, and I like mine roasted with lemon, thyme and garlic. I only eat organic chicken, but that's because I prefer not to pick out diamante studs and feather boas from between my teeth, from those pesky hooker chicken ho's.
Get a grip, chicken-lovers. Irony, people - irony!
102. Molly Ray said:
Everybody's got a hot button. Apparently you found the chicken people's.
EEK!
Also, you're hysterical. I may never again make an omlette where I don't think about some bald chicken laying my eggs. One hundred percent more awesome...
103. Kelly M. said:
Holy Organice Free Range Chickens, Batman! My word, people will get their feathers rilled up over just about anything. This just more than proves the post that is up on my blog right now. Thank you Dooce.
It is sad that something as simple as a joke about chicken broth can ruin so many peoples days, as well as a tab bit funny.
104. Alison said:
Just wanted to add here, the link to the Daily Mail. The newspaper is seen as a joke / content not to be taken seriously in the UK. Commonly known as Daily Hate Mail.
Heather - read your blog for a long time, I like reading it. Will continue to do so.
Am afraid my stomach turned at this post though. :( I guess that puts me in the category of people who get their comments plastered all over your site, as don't agree.
I guess for me it had something to do with reality out there is horrible, animals are powerless and can't do a lot about the conditions they end up living in.
105. rivetergirl said:
Whoa!!! (Those are free-range exclamation points.) When I read that entry I loved the part where your mom got mad at you and Jon for laughing about something so ridiculous. And I loved this entry because all these sad, angry people got mad at your for laughing about something so ridiculous. Please keep making people angry!! (Non-free-range exclamation points.)
106. HullCove said:
My God, they're chickens. Dirty, stupid, aggressive birds - that God put on this planet for us to eat, praise Jesus!
107. Methanie said:
Remember that one year at the Oscars when Chris Rock made the joke about Jude Law? And then Sean Penn got up on stage later and gave some sort of weird, overly serious rebuttal to the joke?
All I'm saying is, I think that someone gave Sean Penn your e-mail address.
108. jchambers said:
WOW! I guess you peed in their cheerios!
109. HDC said:
Do people no longer understand sarcasm or have any reading comprehension skills? I wonder how badly these folks did on their SAT verbals.
110. token said:
Oh, no. Now I'm really worried. What of my MBT instant flavored chicken broth---with other natural flavors??? I mean, I KNOW it contains LESS than 2% of chicken fat, but is it FREE RANGE CHICKEN FAT?
111. Char said:
Hi from a new fan in Ontario, Canada. Just started reading your blog in the last couple of months.
I think you are hilarious! I love your blog...
regardless of what the organic free range chicken people say.
LMAO
112. Sunshine said:
You are awesome. That is all.
113. serafina pekkala said:
America's Irony Deficit crisis continues...
FWIW, *I* thought the funny part was the mental picture of little cardboard boxes of chicken broth out on the range, pecking at the ground, squawking and flapping..."Heeeeere, chickenbroth, chickenbroth, chickenbroth!" That sort of thing. Carry on.
114. Karen Rani said:
Holy fuckballs - pass the BBQ sauce. I wonder how they all feel about Beer Can Chicken? We make it all the time. It's even better if you fill the can with whine, er, wine.
115. AOtis said:
See, this is what is wrong with the world. People are getting angry over CHICKEN BROTH! Come on, people. If you have the energy to get this upset over chicken broth you are clearly not having enough sex.
116. Rissa Roo said:
Heather f'ing rules--as usual.
What a bunch of whiners, good thing there aren't any real problems in the world for them to work on--like hunger or sexual slavery of young girls or genocide.
You need a pretty big serving of "privilege" before you can be concerned about the welfare of the poor little chickens that flavored the broth.
117. Tiggerlane said:
I just hope that every one of those haters cringes at the sight of this month's masthead.
And to even use descriptions of Chuck in a cage like that to make a point? Vile.
Now, you'll have to excuse me while I research bald-egg-laying chickens. THAT'S my education for the day.
118. houstontxteddy said:
Oh good grief. I just hate it when people don’t get the joke. And yes, they have way too much time on their hands. Keep up the good work Heather!
119. iamjenlindsey said:
i. love. your. hate. mail.
you juicy, cage-free, organic cock you.
120. motheralex said:
I was gonna make a hate comment, but I was too high from snorting cocaine off of a bald chicken's head.
Keep up the fantastic work, Heather.
Exclaimation Point.
121. SaraSue said:
I'm absolutely floored. Sometimes I wonder if I could do what you do. You get a peek into humanity that few of us get. Hang in there and keep cracking the rest of us up! Fuck Free Range!!
122. SheAteAWholePie said:
Please don't eat Chuck.
Thank you.
123. MomGoneWild said:
Dammit. These people clogged up your email with chicken crap. How will I ever know what you really bought at the store that rang up as Polygamy for $7.49 a piece.
124. Hoi said:
You're a funny lady.
125. Keita Rae said:
Oh good Lord. You mean, people who are willing to throw themselves in front of a truck for kindness to chickens can't find the heart to be kind to you? What happened to Organic Free Range Heather? Aren't you free to roam the internet, sharing your humor about happy chickens - the same chickens who walked the free range until the "hammer" turned them into broth?
Actually, I believe in earth-friendly practices and organic eating. Too bad for so many that such a healthy diet stole their sense of humor. Keep writing!
126. Grace D said:
Sorry to interrupt the hippie bashing, but I must comment on the dooce tee-shirt sizing. To wit:
Dear Dollin Heather - You're wearing a size large in your comely tee-shirt modeling picture. This is disheartening as I know you're a svelte thing. I will surely have to buy a women's XXXXXL or resort to the less form fitting men's version. Surely I can't be the only one with this vain concern.
Anyway, WTF, I'm going to buy a tee and pose with a carton of organic free chicken broth and post it on my blog. Now there's a meme.
Love to all from Hippie Intensive Santa Cruz, CA.
127. Groovymarlin said:
Hoo boy. I'm glad I ordered the Chuckles calendar yesterday. Now each month when I look at him I'll think of organic free-range chicken broth, or maybe rather bald chicken eating their own feces. One or the other, I'm not sure.
For sure this post made me laugh though. Almost choked on my non-organic, non-free range, Archer Farms chocolate donut.
128. b. said:
When I read your organic free range chicken post (which I enjoyed very much), I figured you were in for hatemail. It just stands to reason, since there are so many people in the world with substandard reading comprehension skills.
But that you made a post of their remarks? That is totally free-range-organic delicious awesomeness.
129. Nickolle said:
I think the Free Range Chicken lovers need to re-direct their misguided vitriol to maybe something more important, like say, abandoned and abused children? I'm just sayin'.
130. Ryan Waddell said:
I love how Megan says that she's not a hippy! She's wearing makeup right now! I hope that makeup wasn't tested on animals, Megan.
What I don't understand is the comparisons about "Would you want your dog to live in conditions like that?" I'm sorry, but when did we start confusing these chickens, which ARE FOOD, with pets? I'm about as concerned with the living conditions of chickens as I am with the living conditions of potatoes.
131. SarahBe said:
I'm torn.. between fully believing in the validity of free-range organic products, and fully believing in the validity of a sense of humour
132. jody2ms said:
Do rather bald chickens carry umbrellas and walk around saying things like "jolly good free range we have here."
If being bald reduces the quality of life, I need to have a talk with my poor balding husband.
133. meggy said:
Personally, I prefer my chicken with a nice chianti and fava beans ...
134. M@ said:
Jeez... I would've thought they'd still all be distracted by Michael Richards, but I guess not.
To be pedantic for a sec; Free Range Broth is collected directly from a Free Range Stream - not bottled and stored in cramped 5-gallon jugs where the water cannot flow free until it is distilled. Have you ever SEEN bottled water? Next time the Sparkletts water truck drives by, LOOK AT THE WATER! It is sad, mistreated and most definately bald. I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR TAPWATER!!!!!
!! and a few extra: !!!!!!!
< end sarcasm >
Honestly, I also try to eat organic when I can for the usual reasons; taste and I fear PETA geurillas. But I live on a budget and eating healthy just costs so damn much. I can't spend $450 a month at Whole Foods.
off topic, slightly:
My husband just got the brakes on his sportsbike replaced with "organic brakes". I. SHIT. YOU. NOT. I retaliated by threatening to buy "Free Range Tires".
The dissconnect made me think of your post and hence, completely agree with you.
135. RzDrms said:
i'm OUTRAGED!!! you mean to tell us that you have four butterflies in your hatemail folder that explode out of your computer everytime you open it?!?!?! don't you have any compassion for the butterfly and their subpar living conditions?! how would you feel if your dog had to live in your hatemail folder and exploded out everytime you opened it?! SAVE THE BUTTERFLIES!!!
exclamationpoint. ;)
136. doctor t said:
[applause]
Once again, marvelling at your superhuman ability to dig yourself out from under the steaming pile of hateful, narrow-minded poor grammar and spelling, and come out smelling like... well, not like a caged chicken all covered in shit, anyway.
Does this have anything to do with your own recent free-range Chuck experiment? The number of times they reference your quadriped child makes me wonder.
137. Seren said:
Heck, I laughed like a drain and I actually have four free range chickens living in my garden! I am a Mother Hen! LOL!! Actually, we'd never eat River, Kaylee, Inara and Zoe as they're part of the family now, along with the 5 cats. We keep them for the eggs, but when they're too old to lay they'll be kept as pets and we'll get some more. Daft, eh?!
138. Caloden said:
I have not laughed this hard in such a long time. Thanks you so very much for sharing this hoo-ha.
I'm going to go have a bowl of Campbell's chicken noodle soup. Mmmmmm, yummy.
139. malika said:
Why doesn't Julie understand that free-rrange chicken broth is funny because BROTH DOESN'T HAVE LEGS? Without legs, HOW CAN IT RANGE?
140. FashMags said:
Hey!!!! I need to say something!!! LIGHTEN UP CRANKY COMMENTER PEOPLE!!! Step away from the commenting tool!
Heather, I apologize for all the punctuation, it was a bad reaction to the hate mail. Love the Dooce blog in its many forms, particularly enjoying the organic free-range version.
BTW, Badcat & T-Bone recommend cooking Chuck (when you finally chose to do so) in an organic free-range Yak broth. It will cover up the gristle flavor.
Organic free-range hugs from Boston.
141. wrensuicide said:
I can't believe how humorless people can be. Because seriously? If you are writing bitchy letters to people about CHICKEN WATER, you obviously have bigger problems.
I think it's safe to say that most of us understood what you were saying. I sat at my desk and giggled over it.
142. jdeckard said:
Whoa, daddy. If you thought your last post generated hate e-mail...
I know that it's fun to make fun of hippies and all, but I've been seeing a LOT of it lately. It's starting to get a little old. Didn't punk adequately mine this treasure trove of humor with classics like "Hippies Hate Water"?
I just finished reading Michael Pollan's "The Omnivore's Dilemma"- it's worth reading if you want to know what bullshit the whole organic/free-range label is nowadays. It's also nice to read an author who wants to do the right thing food-wise yet takes the time to examine beyond the talking points.
It's always interesting to see when a post unexpectedly finds itself poking a cultural sore spot.
143. Johnnydrummer said:
"I'm not going to stoop to insulting you, but you SOUND like a moron."
Wishy-washy chicken boy. Just butch up and do it.
144. Caitorade said:
I'd like to know why these people keep comparing the living conditions of chickens which, free-range or no, are going to be eaten(!) with the living conditions of Chuck.
Although you know, I do hear that free-range hobo dogs do taste better than those who are "cooped up" in suburban homes.
145. AnaBell said:
Americans are so gullible. Did you know that the FDA says that the "free range" label can be used for chickens if you just open their cages for 5 MINUTES every day? It doesn't even matter if the chickens go out of their cages, just keep the door open for five minutes daily and you will get all the money from those chicken supporters that feel like great people just by eating "free range" chickens.
146. kristen said:
You know, at least you weren't in a store when you pointed out how absurd the thought of organic free range chicken broth is.
I made that very mistake.
And everybody in the same aisle as I was proceeded to tell me everything that you recieved in those emails. And the whole time I could only look at them as if they were crazy, which I'm sure only fueled their fires even more.
I'm thinking it's only an elite few who get Free Range Chicken Broth. Rock on, for us!
147. Jonniker said:
I will fully cop to not getting it at first, and I don't think anyone would call me humorless, nor in lack of reading comprehension skills. I just...missed the joke entirely, for while I don't consider myself at all an organic supporter, the idea of organic free-range chicken broth made sense to me, if you're into that sort of thing, and my too-literal brain just kept seeing the "organic, free-range" as a modifier for the chickens that made the broth, not the broth running around some field, letting its hair blow in the breeze.
I had a really sinking feeling you were going to get a violent response from those in support of organic products who felt infinitely more passionately about the topic than I could have. I guess if you're predisposed and passionate to that line of thinking, it elicits a strong response, albeit one that could have lacked condescension and/or cruelty. But I could easily see how it could have been misunderstood if you're *very* passionate about organic products and used to having to defend yourself wildly at every turn.
It's kind of like those who have to defend themselves against haters and hate mail and angry readers and whatnot. It just becomes a knee-jerk reaction sometimes, I guess.
148. makitts said:
You crack my shit up!