Exclamation Point, Special Organic Free Range Chicken Broth Edition
Oh dear.
Late last week I was going through my special hatemail folder -- it's called "Hate is all you need" and every time I open it four butterflies explode out of my computer and kiss me on my nose -- and realized that I had enough really good ones to put out a fall collection. (You can see the Spring Edition here and the Summer Edition here) There's a particular gem I got sent a couple weeks ago from someone who lives in Salt Lake City, and after ranting about how my website sucks because it doesn't give him a boner, he goes on to tell me where he lives, what his car looks like, where it is parked, and then dares me to show up and throw a rock at his windshield. For a brief moment I considered heading out to find his car, only instead of smashing his windows I'd put a little note underneath the windshield wiper with the name of a good therapist and 10 dollars to help with the co-pay. And then sign it, "Hugs and kisses!"
But Friday night I wrote a little something about organic free range chicken broth mistakenly thinking that I was being ridiculous enough about it that people would know I was joking. That I don't hate chickens. That, in fact, I firmly believe chickens should live as unencumbered as possible, that their lives should be filled with happiness and joy and leisure. And many, many hand jobs.
And, oh, the hatemail that followed. Turns out hatemail about chickens is a lot more colorful than hatemail from Mormons. The Mormons obviously need to try harder.
The idea of organic free range chickens isn't necessarily funny, but when you put that label on a box of chicken broth, there is an incongruity there that is a little absurd. As if the broth water itself was out grazing feed next to the barn. And then there is the whole idea (an idea I agree with, mostly) that chickens should be allowed to live more fulfilling lives, lives where they are allowed to roam free and sleep in better cages, at least right up until we cut off their heads and eat their juicy thighs with a little bit of lemon pepper marinade. It's like, here chicken, be happy! Relax! WE NEED YOU TO TASTE BETTER.
I didn't mention that Jon and I often buy organic food, and agree that it is usually (although, not always) healthier for you, because the whole point of that post was to poke fun at my mother who was horrified when she realized that she agreed with a very liberal approach to farming. It just doesn't match up with how her world is set up, one where you're not supposed to care about the chickens, don't you know that the chickens were put here by God so that we could eat them? Also? Those chickens totally had it coming because I have prayed about it and the Lord told me they are rotten, dirty whores.
According to the email I got in response to that post, I guess you're not supposed to joke about chicken broth. Ever. This website is now on the Official Shit List of the Organic Free Range Chicken Broth People. And my, are they a testy bunch.
Let's start with this one from Jason who I'm guessing would not laugh if I came up behind him and stuck a fork in his butt:
Well, I've never been a huge blogger, I read them once in a while, but I was forwarded your blog today by a friend. Things must be really slow in Utah around Thanksgiving, or maybe its the cold.
I'm unsure how Free Range Chicken Broth is funny, or for that matter how it would be funnier than Free Range Chicken?
Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it isn't true.
First I find it funny that you have no clue how to make Chicken broth. Then after admitting to this ignorance, go on to comment about how, in your infinite wisdom, you can't understand how the qualities of a chicken would be transferred to the broth made from that chicken.
It's like saying I don't understand how Vitamin C makes it from an orange into orange juice. Boggles the mind.
Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it isn't true. Hmm... that ringing in my ears is the sound of... delicious free range condescension.
Here's one from from Megan:
Just wanted to let you know that due to your ignorant and uneducated post about free-range chicken I will no longer waste my time reading your blog. In the past I have always enjoyed your wit and regularly stop in to catch up on your life, however your latest post has honestly left me annoyed. Do you even know what free-range means? I am so not a hater normally, but you sound like a moron in your post. Please do yourself (and your family) a favour and research Organic Agriculture and Sustainability. Failing that, consider what it would be like for Chuck to live out his days in a cage, sitting in his own feces and urine, never getting a change to move his body. Does this sould fair to you? And if that doesn't get your attention, perhaps you might want to consider all the antibiotics and hormones an animal is given when kept in subpar living conditions on a factory farm. Mmmm yummy. Honestly there are many more reasons why one might consider organic free-range products but I've already spent enough time writing this post. As a last note, not everyone who believes in saving our environment is a hippy. I in fact am wearing makeup right now!
Chuck isn't supposed to be living his days out in a cage eating his own feces? Is that what you're telling me? A LOT OF GOOD THAT DOES ME NOW, MEGS.
This next one is from a reader named Rich:
Free range chicken broth may seem hippie to you, but there are many reasons you should consider buying it over regular broth. Organic food as well as food raised free range [blah blah blah, several long, complicated sentences here about the history of the meat industry, blah blah] and while [blah blah, more long sentences, blah] it can only [blah blah] but [blah]...
...
[blaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]
...
Therefore, organic is better for you, and if [BLLLLLAAAAAAAAAHHHHH] ...
...
I wish you would educate yourself and your readers about this very important issue. Use your power for good.
Thank you, Rich, for that very useful, very lengthy primer on agriculture. Although you might want to take a different approach in the future when you're trying to convince someone that you are right and they are wrong. First, you should make sure that the person disagrees with you. That usually helps.
Then try to be a little less civilized. Call them names. Spit. Misspell a few words. Go wild and add a punctuation mark where none is called for. USE A SENTENCE FRAGMENT (!!) Because something tells me you haven't ever done any of these things, and that your inner six year old yearns to be set free.
Here's one from Ted:
You don't have any idea what your talking about, and you shouldn't pass judgement on things in which you are ignorant. It makes you look like an idiot. I am not going to take the low road and hurl some ridiculous insult at you, because I think you would get some twisted sense of joy out of it. Rather, I will simply say, I hope this e-mail ruins your day, and that you would take a long hard look at the words you write. There are many people who believe in the power of organic foods, and most of the ones I know are just as sensitive to marketing hype as you. I happen to know the guy that started this particular chicken broth company, and I can assure you his office doesn't have a 14th floor.
Next time you decide to laugh about something that really isn't funny, why don't you at least do your homework and educate yourself so you don't sound like a moron.
Normally I think you are funny...but in this case I think you are the one that should think about your conscience before you go to bed tonight. The truly ironic thing is that you are writing about being a better democrat when in actuality, you sound like some some stupid republican who is talking about how we are in Iraq to protect democracy. Good luck with that.
People who believe in the power of organic food? You mean like people who believe in the power of the Holy Spirit? Because if that's what you mean, I'm sorry, I would never intentionally poke fun at a religion on this website. Maybe.
Speaking of religion, here's one from Donaleen:
Do you know how non free range chickens are raised? They are kept in cages so small they can't move around. They are covered in chicken shit because the cages are stacked. And they are often rather bald because of the conditions. The ones that lay eggs are definitely bald. The chickens are given poor food and lots of antibiotics. They are nutritionally bad. And they taste bad.
It DOES matter how your food is produced. The chicken tastes different. The eggs taste different. And I make my own chicken broth from free range chickens. It is fucking amazing. It can heal the sick and raise the dead.
I don't know about you, but now that I know that the eggs I eat for breakfast every morning might possibly be laid by a bald chicken, a rather bald chicken, waking up is going to be a hundred percent more awesome.
This one is from Lynn:
There is actually a significant nutritional difference in free range fed animals vs. confined, grain-fed and feedlot-fattened animals. In particular the omega 3 content and omega 3 to omega 6 ratio of animals raised close to their natural roots is much better. I don't eat chicken at all, but if I did I would only eat free range fed chicken.
I included this one not because it was particularly mean, but because I wanted to juxtapose it with a link to this research study that several readers forwarded to me, and it says this:
But organic poultry is actually less nutritious, contains more fat and tastes worse than its mass-produced equivalent, research has shown.
Tests on supermarket chicken breasts showed that organic versions contained lower levels of health-boosting omega 3 fatty acids than other varieties, including non-organic free-range poultry.
As usual, the best part about that link is the comments section where someone says something like, "The welfare of the chickens is paramount. High time we considered the chickens before always putting our interests first." To someone who already thinks organic free range chickens are a good thing, that sounds totally normal. But, to someone who doesn't, that sounds like this: THINK OF THE CHICKENS! WE MUST SAVE THE CHICKENS! THE CHIIIIIIIICCCCKKKKKEEENNNNSSSSSSS!
Here's the only one that included multiple exclamation points, and it did not disappoint. From Julie:
You have finally crossed the line with this one. Why is free range chicken broth so funny? It isn't!!! Have you seen the pictures of chickens are are raised on those mass farms? They are so sad and helpless and did not ask to live that way. How would YOU like to watch your dog live that way? YOU would never let him live that way, so why is it OK for CHICKENS to live that way? ITS NOT!!! People like you shouldn't be allowed to own animals. I feel sorry for your dog!!!!
I do too, because when we finally get tired of taking him on walks and decide to eat him, we won't be boiling him in organic free range chicken broth, that's for sure.
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Heather talks about Valentine's Day on today's Momversation.
- I know zero about sports, but my entire heart is screaming, "Go Saints! Go Saints!" I am a stereotypical woman. TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE, JON!
- Marlo has a tooth! So says the blood that she drew when she grabbed my hand and tried to gnaw off my thumb!
- Leta won't eat her birthday cake. I guess we should have made it out of chicken nuggets and iced it with refried beans.
1. NixMom said:
Ok, I'm starting to think there is a link between organic free range chicken consumation and losing your sense of irony. Or your sense of humor. Or both. Get a grip people!
Valerie
2. Alissa Szarek said:
Donaleen is holding out on us! If her amazing chicken broth raises the dead, she's using more than just organic chickens. That's for sure.
3. Teeny225 said:
Hmm, who would've thought that organic free range chicken broth could be such a polarising issue...
4. lizabithann said:
Seriously? We're arguing over chicken broth? Come on...
5. The LCA said:
How do these people even think of these responses?
6. typingelbow said:
The hippy community seems a little lethargic with the comments. I expected a lot more exclamation points and SHOUTING on behalf of the little chicks. I bet your mom is still losing sleep over agreeing with them though, so that's good.
7. smiffy said:
"I hope this email ruins your day"
This is what is wrong with the world today. These people clearly have some issues that need to be dealt with.
8. jenp said:
Does anyone else remember the faux "We Are the World" about chickens on Saturday Night Live a long time ago?
Mister farmer, take that feeding tube out of that chicken's throat
Let's build a world where cages don't exist
Tell the children to tell the world
to tell the chickens that we are on our way...
9. soccer mom in denial said:
That post was hysterical. Do these people have no sense of humor?
10. Susan said:
OMG! (Or should that be !!!!!) Some people not only don't have any sense of humor, they also apparently can't read and comprehend at the same time. Maybe they've been kept in a cage and not allowed to communicate with the rest of the free range people. Too funny. If it wasn't just so sad that they actually spent the time to write to you about it.
11. Hope said:
Heather,
We all love you, I cracked up when I read the chicken broth post. (Mostly beacuse I thought almost the same thing at the store the other day!) I wonder what would happen if you decided to combinde both chickens and Mormans in a post...Oh the horror :)
12. Amanda Johnson said:
GOOD FREAKIN' GRIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's called a life, people. Get one.
13. Just a trumpet player said:
Funny how people who claim to have read your blog for years still don't get your sense of humour ?
14. MelissaS said:
I love all the 'You have finally crossed the line!' comments. I can just picture them reading and just screaming at the screen, "OH *THAT* IS IT!"
15. Susan said:
And, oh yeah, my favorite line: "I am so not a hater normally." Heather, you just pushed her over the hater line.
16. Lizzy said:
Thanks for sharing the hate...too funny.
17. Nancy said:
LOL . . . quality of chicken life has always been one of my top priorities when grocery shopping! And what about the poor little dolphins that get caught in tuna nets?? I think you need to address that issue too! I went to lunch one day with my boss, a University administrator, and another professor. This other professor would NOT order tuna because of the dolphins and went onto tell us about how chickens just had no quality of life. My boss laughed and laughed . . . and went onto order his chicken sandwich. Of course this other professor is also a guy who spent over 60 hours on a greyhound bus to go to a conference because he was afraid to fly . . .
18. Alda said:
Oh man. Thanks for the best laugh I've had all day. The mind boggles - it truly does!
19. kissmytiara said:
Holy chit, it's CHICKEN BROTH. Ha! What a way to start off my morning. Thanks, fools!
20. discopitbull said:
I had no clue that Hippies knew how to write, I thought they all dropped out of school to go be free range humans? And what's with all the hate? I thought the 60's were all about peace and love. I suppose when it's something as tragically important as chicken broth, FREE RANGE CHICKEN BROTH!, that these folks are ready to lay down the plowshares and pick up their swords... Fun stuff, great post!
21. Gene said:
Looking forward to your post on veal and foie gras. Mmm, yummy! That oughta stir things up a little...
22. Bruno said:
Hippies ruin everything.
23. Frank said:
some people have no sense of humor.
do you think voodo priests get more juju out of free range chicken?
24. Angie Muldowney said:
Did no one mention the broth? Nobody ever thinks of the BROTH. For too long it has been boiled alive and trapped in tin or packet form - it needs to flow freely, to skip and jump in the fresh air and not be pumped full of crap (such as chicken - boy they have it easy). Broth rules, man!
25. christy said:
As James Taylor once said, "chicken chokin', mother f*cking pain."
26. nathanv said:
"Hmm… that ringing in my ears is the sound of… delicious free range condescension."
that has to be the funniest thing I've heard all week.
I don't give a sh*t what anyone says/does/writes/spouts/blurts.
Heather you keep writing, if only because it makes my day.
27. geokaz said:
I have to admit to being somewhat annoyed at the ignorance of the comments as well regarding the chicken broth and am relieved to discover that it was just me missing a sarcastic joke. It never would have turned me into a "hater", though. Hee hee.
I have to say as well that some people may have been confused about the joke because the eating habits discussed on this blog involving the Armstrong family usually revolve around some pretty unhealthy stuff and they may have just assumed one translated into the other. I'm just saying, I can see the evolution of confusion but not the magnitude of judgment. As always, fanaticism exists in every nook and cranny of every moral or ethical issue as the "haters" clearly show. Sorry you have to put up with as much chicken shit as the chickens on this one, Heather.
28. typealice said:
Do these hippies know that a LOT of "free range" chickens actually don't spend the majority of their lives outside? There is a rule that chickens are considered "free range" if they spend X amount of time outside of their cages, so most farmers will open up their cages to let them run free for that specific X amount of time (sometimes it's less than a DAY! Total!). The only way to ensure these people are actually eating true organic, free-range chickens is to raise them and then slaughter them themselves, but they're probably too wimpy to do that anyway.
Read up on it, kids! Free range isn't what you think it is.
29. Mary said:
I think there is a definate link between organic-free range chicken consumption and brain cell death. Brain cells in the part of your brain that tells you what's funny, no less.
30. mommyinjapan said:
I read your blog for the first time today and I think it is awesome. I spent about three hours reading through past blogs and laughed out loud so many times that it actually started to irritate my husband which was an added bonus.
Hate mail sucks and I'm glad you've found a way to deal with it.
31. beckyz said:
if folks don't like what you have to say they really need to stop reading your blog. i'm thankful you can find the humor in their asinine emails and brush off their foolish selves.
although i must admit, insane readers do make for incredibly funny hate mail posts like this one.
blog on...
32. DinerGirl said:
Those hippies can lick my butt. Stupid hateration.
33. Urs said:
but what about the chickens?!! what about the chhhiiiccckkkeeennnsss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
34. Sarah Shirilla said:
This is completely irrelevant, but while I was reading this I kept seeing the overly used "moron" as "mormon."
It made me giggle.
Oh, and viva la chicken.
35. Garret said:
I think I can explain the lack of exclaimation points and SHOUTING in the hippies posts..it's hard to work multiple key combinations when both your arms are wrapped around a tree!
The crunchy tree huggin hippies need a sense of humor, I personally LMAO when I read the post.
Keep it up!
36. DarlingNikki said:
OMG Heather I luv u. You are my hero. I found your post about free range chicken broth hilarious and I am a supporter of the chickens and their well-being. Some people are way too up-tight...
Give Chuck some kisses for me since they haven't made a way for me to send them by e-mail yet.
37. M@ said:
Okay, I'm with Alissa. Donaleen is definitely holding out on us. I wonder if she also knows how to turn lead into gold.
Probably a slight change to the recipe for three bean chili.....
Fess up Donaleen!
38. Sunni said:
YAY!!! I love hate mail!!! However, this batch was lacking in exclamation points!! Come on haters...get with the program!!!
39. katy66 said:
To be honest, I was surprised there was not a brigade of Volvo station wagons lined up, outside your house, with people ready to peg with organic, caffiene free, Green Tea tea-bags.
I was totally looking for that story to be on the national news.
SHAME ON YOU HEATHER!!@!$^@&(!$@!^&(@$!#@^&)!#*!#
40. Michelle said:
I find it ironic that these people are so concerned about "free range" and living conditions when, in the end, the chickens are slaughtered. No one seems to mind that. The "chicken" activists need to get their priorities straight. ..... I made this really awesome chicken recipe last night, with regular chicken bought at the Grocery, and it was delicious....
41. M@ said:
DinerGirl: Sorry, but I'll pass on the butt licking. Unless it tastes like Organic, FreeRange Chicken Broth. In that case, I'm in.
hateration? nice ;) gotta add that to my vocab
42. marymuses said:
If you're going to eat Chuck, of course you shouldn't boil him in free range chicken broth--you should be using free range dog broth, or at the very least free range wolf broth, as I don't think chicken flavor and canine flavor meld well. You could ruin a perfectly good meal by just choosing the wrong broth, just as you could ruin a perfectly good peanut butter sandwich by choosing the wrong jam.
43. mm said:
Wow. I can't believe people have reacted in such a hateful way. So let me get this straight...they don't mind saying mean things to you that may hurt your feelings, but they care that deeply about the chickens? People sure do have strange things that drive them these days.
44. Jesse said:
Why must everyone take every single word they read so seriously? And really, by now people have to realize you make Dennis Miller look like a cream puff. There's this thing, Internet...It's called a "sense of humor." Accept it and move on.
45. Rebecca said:
We must save the chickens! That is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time. Keep up the good work!
46. ChrisClark said:
"because when we finally get tired of taking him on walks and decide to eat him, we won’t be boiling him in organic free range chicken broth, that’s for sure."
That is the funniest darned conclusion I ever did read.
47. Tanya said:
I don't buy chicken broth, because chickens - free range or not - are just gross. But I do buy organic vegetable broth (it tastes better and is lower in sodium).
This whole debate has led me to wonder why my organic vegetable broth isn't free range?
Why should my carrots and celery have to live out their days in a cage, sitting in their own feces and urine?! (!!!)
48. reddirtgirl said:
Holy shit. I can't believe people who even sporadically read your site can't decipher the humor, sarcasm, and the poking fun at the Avon Queen. I am so glad that I am at least unaware of the overly-sensitive goofballs who live around me, but it would be fun to post their e-mails and giggle ridiculously as I hurled organic chicken broth at their lunacy.
49. Molly Chase said:
I think I just horked a big bite of bagel through my nose laughing at your hate mail.
I thought the chicken broth thing was hilarious. I now think it's even funnier.
50. Joan Horner said:
Priceless. When I was in Culinary School I had a chef who used to preface the chicken lecture with this statement;
'Chickens are filthy and disgusting creatures'.
I have seen chickens who are Free Range and are allowed to wander and peck at will, many of these chickens were bald from the other chickens pecking at them. Chickens are anxious creatures, pecking is what they do people.
I''d also like to point out that organic does have a government approved definition. Free Range, on the other hand does not. Free Range does not mean these chickens are sunning themselves on a chaise lounge sipping a worm and bug martini and discussing Proust. It simply means that they are not locked in cages sitting over a battery to produce eggs. They could actually be in a barn with 500 other chickens walking all over each other.
I could also discuss this lovely study (http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/
food/chicken-safety-1-07/overview/0107_chick_ov.htm)
that might give you hives and at least force you to bring your chicken home from the store and immediately remove it from that giant bacteria diaper stores pack it with to absorb the liquid, rinse it well, dry it well and put it in your own storage container, followed by washing the SHIT out of your hands with some good soap.
Having said all that, I still buy the Organic Free Range chicken broth when I am too busy to make my own. Why. It tastes good. Simple.
51. Tracy said:
You know, I hate to contradict Donaleen (ok, really, I don't care), but I've had organic, free-range chicken...smoked. And...well...the little bits of feathers that were left on it? Um...ew. Kinda scarred for life from that one. So, I'm all about the bald chicken. But then...I'm also a republican, so there ya go! :-)
52. anne nahm said:
hahahaha! I think you need a banner that says "using my powers for good by caging things in their own feces"
53. FeelinFroggy said:
Wow, you are so f***ing cool, you get hate mail on Organic Chicken Broth. Who else could create a stir on ORGANIC CHICKEN BROTH? I think that next you should put Chuck in a little cage and video tape it, do like a hostage situation until the hippies retreat.
What I found particularlly ironic is how idiotic the haters sounded while spouting off to you about your dislike of hippies and chicken. Hey haters, before you start flinging shit at people perhaps you should read more of the website so that you are "educated on what you are talking about." Hello pot, yeah its kettle, um YOUR BLACK.
Have you ever seen Chicken Run? Rent it RIGHT NOW. We've got to save the Chickens.
54. Vikki said:
I actually have a six pack of organic free range chicken broth at home. I had no idea it was medicinal and magical. My baby has a weird rash, maybe I can rub it on her back and the rash will miraculously disappear. I'll let you know.
It's a sad day when we can't even laugh about chickens.
55. tracy said:
I am laughing so hard I'm crying! People, in general, are hysterical. The people that wrote those letters are actually in hysteria. Even better!
Thanks for passing those along, you and your comments just made my day...
56. sarie26 said:
I've been reading your blog for about 6 months now and enjoying it completely, but this is the first time I've felt compelled to leave you a comment. And that, Heather, is the power of the free-range chicken.
57. shaynapunam said:
You are my hero.
I read the first post about the BROTH and laughed out loud. Who knew it could get better by bringing out the haters.
The fact that you compare Mormon hate mail, free range chicken broth hate mail, and get in a bonus mention of boiling your dog simply made my Thursday.
Thank you.
58. Andrea-cat said:
Wow. As a strict vegetarian, I laughed at the original post because I saw the (okay, here's a big word) HUMOR [insert necessary exclamation points!!!!] in the post. Lighten up folks! The patchouli is clouding your senses!
59. lellis31 said:
Does anyone even get the fact that "organic" actually tanslates into "grown in human feces?" E Coli anyone?????? (extra question marks just for you!)
60. Lori said:
Laughing out loud at these. Thank you for sharing! It is too bad that you get hate mail at all, but it did provide laughter for us and I hope for you also!
61. Allan said:
So. Let me get this straight.
Eating free-range chickens and drinking their blood will cause me to go bald?
;)
Great post, Heather. Brava!
62. 6degrees said:
Oh, boy... where to start...
What makes me laugh the most are the comments regarding poor Chuck (btw I STILL want me a Chuck... just saying, since it IS around Christmas time).
First, it is my assumption that any chicken that is raised to be slaughtered is probably not really a pet, per se. I'm not saying that due to that fact they should reside in sub-par conditions, but comparing chickens for slaughter and Chuck is like comparing asphalt to baklava... or something equally disparate, but more relevant... dealing with animals... like... oh, you get it, right?
63. Scottysmum said:
Oh.My.God.
So, my co-workers are worried about me as I laugh hysterically, tears rolling down my face - you know Dooce, you have finally done it - made me laugh at one of your posts t'il I cried!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The best, the best ... was that "Egg-laying chickens are DEFINATELY bald". How? The.Hell! Does someone know that?!?!?!?!?!?
Ok - so- I've been reading your posts for about 1 month now, since the picture scandel brought me here. Clearly - these were from first time readers, yes? I mean .. they should know where you stand about animal wellfare by now, right? You know. They must know about the TORTURE you put your dog through daily? Placing every conceivable object on his head, taking his picture and then flashing his sweet mug on the internet .. gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasp, the HUMILIATION!
Anyway, I never laughed so hard as I did this morning .. THANKS for that!
Oh and, BTW, I THOUGHT there was something funny about my Grecian Formula tasting scrambled eggs this morning, it ALL makes so much more sense now!
Cheers, and keep up the GREAT work!
64. Molicious said:
This is about 15 different kinds of awesome. I love it when people get all pissed off about the most idiotic crap.
65. Amy said:
If I weren't terrified of the nasties on the floor in my office I would be rolling right now! You are freaking hilarious.
I work in the organic food industry, making no money while protecting organic farmers (the small ones with no money, too!), and apparently have a much better sense of humor than many of your readers because I thought your post about the chickens was overwhelmingly hilarious! God I love your blog!
I also love run on sentences and comma splices!
66. MulattaPreta said:
wow. people really DO have 2 much time on their hands. just think if they put all that energy into providing shelter 4 the homeless, or helping people in darfur...
67. LateModel said:
Yes, you must use your power for good. You could encourage everyone to get rid of their dogs and have pet chickens. I bet your mother would enjoy having some chickens running around organicing and free-ranging anywhere they please.
68. salmonday said:
That's what boggles me the most about these responses, is that they still don't seem to get that the big irony you were laughing at was that organic free-range chicken broth is so much more fundamentally humane because you treat them to a little fresh air before you EAT THEM and simmer their flesh in water.
Anyway, that having been said, now it's my turn to miss the point I guess, because I don't understand why someone who sent you a detailed, thoughtful, grammatically correct, and civil e-mail about the meat industry (even if it was on the long-ish side) deserves to get thrown up there. It's an opposing opinion, not hate mail. It makes it seem like any dissenting ideas = hate mail for you, and that doesn't seem right.
Of course, having disagreed now myself, I'm probably off to the hate mail folder as we speak. *straps on his helmet and protective pads*
69. Maura said:
The funniest part of Megan's email wasn't the stuff about Chuck, it was this:
"As a last note, not everyone who believes in saving our environment is a hippy. I in fact am wearing makeup right now!"
Me, too, Megan. Me, too.
70. Megan said:
Free Range Chicken Broth tastes like ass. Give 'em the cage I say.
71. tyratae said:
(said in the creepy Heroes whisper):
"save the chickens. save the world!"
72. Milissa said:
Does anyone else find it rather, um, sick that several of the haters find it necessary to compare eating chicken to eating Chuck? No? Where are these people from? I may eat feces covered, oppressed chickens, but I refuse to eat my family pet. Just a thought.
73. Wicked H said:
It is obvious from this display that the free-range lovers who took the time to write to you are completely devoid of the ability to digest humor. Might be all the free range goodness, the pancreas cannot break down both simultaneously.
How very sad for them.
On the other hand, how extraordinarily entertaining for the rest of us.
74. mark said:
I'm loosing my faith in democracy, Heather. Please tell me none of those emails came from registered voters.
75. AmySilk said:
"I hope this email ruins your day"
The venom. Over chickens. You know what I blame for this? Kiddie movies. Like Chicken Run. I honestly believe these people think chickens really do sit around and discuss deep life changing things and are constantly aware of what lies on the other side of their chicken housing facility. THE MACHINE. I guarantee this is not the case. The kiddie movies lie... don't believe me? Every damn chicken in that movie had teeth. 'Nuff said.
People who value animals over people bother me. Though don't get me wrong, some people deserve it. I'd take a chicken, free-range or poop-covered, over any of these knuckleheads.
76. SydneyDawn said:
HA HA! Those were great. Thanks for brightening my day. Your humor is always appreciated.
77. Sarah said:
Is there a group that makes wigs for the bald chickens? Because there totally should be. They shouldn't have to suffer the embarrassment of that!!
Obviously people aren't *really* thinking about the chickens.
;-)
78. toddlermama said:
I've been cooped up in the house with sick kids all week. I need some major fun. And now, thanks to Dooce, I know just what to do. A CHICKEN PARTY! We own the movie "Chicken Run" and will watch it while eating a (non-organic!) Chik-Fil-A dinner with breaks only to do the Chicken Dance with Chicken Dance Elmo. And before bed, we can all down a nice, warm cup of organic, free range chicken broth. Maybe even with marshmallows atop. Unless someone knows a good chicken dessert...?
79. h.m. said:
some people are in a constant state of looking for soemthing to be offended by. and, in my experience, those same people rarely listen thoroughly to what you're actually saying. instead, they hear that you mention the topic, then jump at the chance to hear their own argument (whether or not it even contradicts yours).
apparently irony is a free-range bitch that some people can't handle.
80. Rbelle said:
I have always tried to believe that there is some good in all people. It is amazing to me that someone wrote an email actually intending to ruin your day (not that it did) over a blog post (that was funny!). That truly shows the evil that can rest in a persons heart. Those little "x's" exist in your browser for a reason people--- if you don't like something just close it and move on.
81. wealhtheow said:
I have heard that free-range basically means they open the door to the chicken barn, and say "You guys can go outside now, if you want. Really." And then the chickens all just stay inside. This may or may not be true.
I still tend to buy free-range, though, because I like to think the chickens have as many choices in life as possible before they are brutally slaughtered for my eventual consumption.
Also, I think the Vatican should look into that chick's chicken broth, if it can truly raise the dead. Maybe the chicken it was made from was the Messiah, come to earth to redress our sins in the form of brothy goodness.
82. LikeALurker said:
Weehhhh!! Comments ARE OPEN!!!
Theres's so much to be said here - Free Range Humans, taste like ass, I feel sorry for your dog....
But I LOVE - Free Range Bitch _ I may change my screen name to that!1
Seriously though - hate mail can really do a number on a person, I'm glad you handle it in this manner, share it with us all and I hope it makes it all better for you.
83. Laurie said:
Great post!
People sure do enjoy their own high horse anger, do they not? I missed the part in your earlier post where you talked about being pro chicken torture. It must have been a subliminal message readable only to those carrying a chicken chip on their shoulders. or in their heads.
Alas, poor Chuck, obviously anyone who didn't know organic free range chicken broth existed cannot possibly be a good dog parent. I was shamefully ignorant of this fact until now as well. We who are dog unworthy must surely do penance by offering foster chicken care in our homes. with court supervision of course.
84. Yenny said:
Donaleen -- Your homemade chicken broth heals the sick and raises the dead....but does it make the little girlies dance outta their heads?
85. Latisha said:
Hahahaha
People are such idiots! Are they seriously serious? I can't believe they even took time out of their "chicken saving" lives to write those e-mails. All over some broth? Written on a blog? So those "organic" chickens, well they just have it so much better, than ya know the "mass produced" ones. But don't they all end up on our kitchen tables? To be devoured by people? So the organic ones get rice and gravey? As opposed to the "mass produced" getting ketchup? Ooooo...what kind gets both?
Love your site Heather. It's SO politically un-correct.
86. Molly said:
I am now completely convinced that you could write anything - ANYTHING - on your website, and someone, perhaps a small handful of people, would be ridiculously and personally offended. You just know that a post like "I love my family. I love the sunshine. Yay world!" Would yield people lecturing you on starving children in Africa and how sunlight is bad for you, and You do not let Leta play outside do you because YOU ARE A HORRIBLE MOTHER and something about not everyone has a family, you are so selfish.
The grammar was intentionally bad up there. ;) WHY do people have nothing better to do with their time than to find the bad and amplify it? Seriously. Close your window if you don't like it.
And lastly, I'm pretty sure your fans GREATLY outweigh your...non-fans? :P
87. rhm said:
Wow. I'm always amazed by the people that will email a complete stranger to gripe about something they read on that stranger's blog. Really? Is that all you have to do with your time? And do you not understand sarcasm? Irony? But I'm glad they email, because it sure makes for some funny posts!
88. smoness said:
Some people really need to lighten up.
Anyone who is THAT passionate about it just needs to be a f-ing vegetarian...
89. emily said:
I'm sorry, did I miss the part where you made fun of the mental disabled?? I think you need to post a blog on the definition of “humor†or “sarcasmâ€â€¦â€¦
90. LikeALurker said:
I missed "save the chicken, save the world"
heh-heheeeee
Heroes is a great show!
FreeRangeBitch
91. TxSuzyQ said:
Oh dear lord, I need some of that miraculous, homemade, free range chicken broth! I done got a me a chicken that needs to be raised from the dead. :P
I just cannot imagine that people would take the time to sit down and compose an email and complain about something so utterly ridiculous. LOL Can you imagine the hate mail the president must get?
92. Nat W. said:
Oh, wow. People are very passionate about their chicken broth.
Also, it seems hypocritical to be all worried about the conditions the chickens are living in and then eat the chicken. Just a thought.
93. Erica said:
I am glad to know Megan is not normally a hater...it is just the chickens bringing it out in her.
And where, in heavens name, does Donaleen find the time to make free range, home made, ass-kickin', raising the dead, fucking amazing chicken broth?
Love you work Heather. Sorry about the hate mail, but thanks for turning it into a good story.
94. ecileh said:
The ones that lay eggs are definitely bald.
Best. Ridiculous statement. Ever.
95. crzylady said:
to be honest i was a little butt hurt over the chicken comments, but the back of my mind kept yelling "heather's no dummy. of course she doesn't want animals to be hurt." but i am relieved to see it moved some people to write some thoughtful comments because i live in idaho and people around her might actually be worse than in utah... while chickens having their beaks ripped out so they don't peak others to death won't make most i work with bat an eyelash they get mighty mighty heated about service in a restaurant (honestly, my co-workers had a 20 minute argument which included flushed faces and raised voices over whether one's meal should be comped if something in the order was wrong). sad times.
96. Andrew W said:
"...camera pans to reveal what is actually a puppy-broth mill. Hundreds of caged dogs of indeterminate breed are in cages stacked ten high. Spaghetti drops from one bald puppy head to another, ending up on a cold floor strewn with pasta, fur, feces, broth, and pages upon pages of confessional poetry."
97. Lisa J said:
Wow, Heather. I bet you didn't realize how much power you actually have. You, with one post, are practically sending more troops to Iraq AND bringing down the organic farming movement. "Use your power for good" - perhaps promote bathing in free range chicken broth. More free range broth! It just feels better!
98. Lisa_in_TX said:
After reading today’s post, it became painfully clear to me that there are many people out there who simply just need to get laid or maybe just a free-range hand job. Somebody needs to tell your readers that they should just go ahead and masturbate. Go on people. MASTERBATE!! I dare ya!!
99. mom2lala said:
I am still laughing. Great to see that chickens can get this type of response. I was afraid we people were still worrying about the more important things in life.
100. Mindy said:
I think Megan has watched a few too many one-sided documentaries on how chickens are raised on "factory farms" as she calls them. I'm sorry to keep this ridiculous discussion going, but I got my B.S. in Agriculture and know that one of the major producers of chicken in this country does not house all it's chickens in small cages where they go bald and sit in their own feces (oh, horror of horrors), they are free to roam about & socialize with their little chicken buddies in heated & cooled chicken houses. Maybe that'll help someone sleep better at night knowing their little chicken nuggets weren't bald.
101. globaljen said:
My husband doesn't normally read dooce - he doesn't read any blogs. I *made* him read your Organic Chicken post - and he thought it was hysterical. And he's a happy-clappy organic-only vegetarian (and the reason he's veggie? Chickens!!).
Personally I love chickens - my mum has three, and I like mine roasted with lemon, thyme and garlic. I only eat organic chicken, but that's because I prefer not to pick out diamante studs and feather boas from between my teeth, from those pesky hooker chicken ho's.
Get a grip, chicken-lovers. Irony, people - irony!
102. Molly Ray said:
Everybody's got a hot button. Apparently you found the chicken people's.
EEK!
Also, you're hysterical. I may never again make an omlette where I don't think about some bald chicken laying my eggs. One hundred percent more awesome...
103. Kelly M. said:
Holy Organice Free Range Chickens, Batman! My word, people will get their feathers rilled up over just about anything. This just more than proves the post that is up on my blog right now. Thank you Dooce.
It is sad that something as simple as a joke about chicken broth can ruin so many peoples days, as well as a tab bit funny.
104. Alison said:
Just wanted to add here, the link to the Daily Mail. The newspaper is seen as a joke / content not to be taken seriously in the UK. Commonly known as Daily Hate Mail.
Heather - read your blog for a long time, I like reading it. Will continue to do so.
Am afraid my stomach turned at this post though. :( I guess that puts me in the category of people who get their comments plastered all over your site, as don't agree.
I guess for me it had something to do with reality out there is horrible, animals are powerless and can't do a lot about the conditions they end up living in.
105. rivetergirl said:
Whoa!!! (Those are free-range exclamation points.) When I read that entry I loved the part where your mom got mad at you and Jon for laughing about something so ridiculous. And I loved this entry because all these sad, angry people got mad at your for laughing about something so ridiculous. Please keep making people angry!! (Non-free-range exclamation points.)
106. HullCove said:
My God, they're chickens. Dirty, stupid, aggressive birds - that God put on this planet for us to eat, praise Jesus!
107. Methanie said:
Remember that one year at the Oscars when Chris Rock made the joke about Jude Law? And then Sean Penn got up on stage later and gave some sort of weird, overly serious rebuttal to the joke?
All I'm saying is, I think that someone gave Sean Penn your e-mail address.
108. jchambers said:
WOW! I guess you peed in their cheerios!
109. HDC said:
Do people no longer understand sarcasm or have any reading comprehension skills? I wonder how badly these folks did on their SAT verbals.
110. token said:
Oh, no. Now I'm really worried. What of my MBT instant flavored chicken broth---with other natural flavors??? I mean, I KNOW it contains LESS than 2% of chicken fat, but is it FREE RANGE CHICKEN FAT?
111. Char said:
Hi from a new fan in Ontario, Canada. Just started reading your blog in the last couple of months.
I think you are hilarious! I love your blog...
regardless of what the organic free range chicken people say.
LMAO
112. Sunshine said:
You are awesome. That is all.
113. serafina pekkala said:
America's Irony Deficit crisis continues...
FWIW, *I* thought the funny part was the mental picture of little cardboard boxes of chicken broth out on the range, pecking at the ground, squawking and flapping..."Heeeeere, chickenbroth, chickenbroth, chickenbroth!" That sort of thing. Carry on.
114. Karen Rani said:
Holy fuckballs - pass the BBQ sauce. I wonder how they all feel about Beer Can Chicken? We make it all the time. It's even better if you fill the can with whine, er, wine.
115. AOtis said:
See, this is what is wrong with the world. People are getting angry over CHICKEN BROTH! Come on, people. If you have the energy to get this upset over chicken broth you are clearly not having enough sex.
116. Rissa Roo said:
Heather f'ing rules--as usual.
What a bunch of whiners, good thing there aren't any real problems in the world for them to work on--like hunger or sexual slavery of young girls or genocide.
You need a pretty big serving of "privilege" before you can be concerned about the welfare of the poor little chickens that flavored the broth.
117. Tiggerlane said:
I just hope that every one of those haters cringes at the sight of this month's masthead.
And to even use descriptions of Chuck in a cage like that to make a point? Vile.
Now, you'll have to excuse me while I research bald-egg-laying chickens. THAT'S my education for the day.
118. houstontxteddy said:
Oh good grief. I just hate it when people don’t get the joke. And yes, they have way too much time on their hands. Keep up the good work Heather!
119. iamjenlindsey said:
i. love. your. hate. mail.
you juicy, cage-free, organic cock you.
120. motheralex said:
I was gonna make a hate comment, but I was too high from snorting cocaine off of a bald chicken's head.
Keep up the fantastic work, Heather.
Exclaimation Point.
121. SaraSue said:
I'm absolutely floored. Sometimes I wonder if I could do what you do. You get a peek into humanity that few of us get. Hang in there and keep cracking the rest of us up! Fuck Free Range!!
122. SheAteAWholePie said:
Please don't eat Chuck.
Thank you.
123. MomGoneWild said:
Dammit. These people clogged up your email with chicken crap. How will I ever know what you really bought at the store that rang up as Polygamy for $7.49 a piece.
124. Hoi said:
You're a funny lady.
125. Keita Rae said:
Oh good Lord. You mean, people who are willing to throw themselves in front of a truck for kindness to chickens can't find the heart to be kind to you? What happened to Organic Free Range Heather? Aren't you free to roam the internet, sharing your humor about happy chickens - the same chickens who walked the free range until the "hammer" turned them into broth?
Actually, I believe in earth-friendly practices and organic eating. Too bad for so many that such a healthy diet stole their sense of humor. Keep writing!
126. Grace D said:
Sorry to interrupt the hippie bashing, but I must comment on the dooce tee-shirt sizing. To wit:
Dear Dollin Heather - You're wearing a size large in your comely tee-shirt modeling picture. This is disheartening as I know you're a svelte thing. I will surely have to buy a women's XXXXXL or resort to the less form fitting men's version. Surely I can't be the only one with this vain concern.
Anyway, WTF, I'm going to buy a tee and pose with a carton of organic free chicken broth and post it on my blog. Now there's a meme.
Love to all from Hippie Intensive Santa Cruz, CA.
127. Groovymarlin said:
Hoo boy. I'm glad I ordered the Chuckles calendar yesterday. Now each month when I look at him I'll think of organic free-range chicken broth, or maybe rather bald chicken eating their own feces. One or the other, I'm not sure.
For sure this post made me laugh though. Almost choked on my non-organic, non-free range, Archer Farms chocolate donut.
128. b. said:
When I read your organic free range chicken post (which I enjoyed very much), I figured you were in for hatemail. It just stands to reason, since there are so many people in the world with substandard reading comprehension skills.
But that you made a post of their remarks? That is totally free-range-organic delicious awesomeness.
129. Nickolle said:
I think the Free Range Chicken lovers need to re-direct their misguided vitriol to maybe something more important, like say, abandoned and abused children? I'm just sayin'.
130. Ryan Waddell said:
I love how Megan says that she's not a hippy! She's wearing makeup right now! I hope that makeup wasn't tested on animals, Megan.
What I don't understand is the comparisons about "Would you want your dog to live in conditions like that?" I'm sorry, but when did we start confusing these chickens, which ARE FOOD, with pets? I'm about as concerned with the living conditions of chickens as I am with the living conditions of potatoes.
131. SarahBe said:
I'm torn.. between fully believing in the validity of free-range organic products, and fully believing in the validity of a sense of humour
132. jody2ms said:
Do rather bald chickens carry umbrellas and walk around saying things like "jolly good free range we have here."
If being bald reduces the quality of life, I need to have a talk with my poor balding husband.
133. meggy said:
Personally, I prefer my chicken with a nice chianti and fava beans ...
134. M@ said:
Jeez... I would've thought they'd still all be distracted by Michael Richards, but I guess not.
To be pedantic for a sec; Free Range Broth is collected directly from a Free Range Stream - not bottled and stored in cramped 5-gallon jugs where the water cannot flow free until it is distilled. Have you ever SEEN bottled water? Next time the Sparkletts water truck drives by, LOOK AT THE WATER! It is sad, mistreated and most definately bald. I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR TAPWATER!!!!!
!! and a few extra: !!!!!!!
< end sarcasm >
Honestly, I also try to eat organic when I can for the usual reasons; taste and I fear PETA geurillas. But I live on a budget and eating healthy just costs so damn much. I can't spend $450 a month at Whole Foods.
off topic, slightly:
My husband just got the brakes on his sportsbike replaced with "organic brakes". I. SHIT. YOU. NOT. I retaliated by threatening to buy "Free Range Tires".
The dissconnect made me think of your post and hence, completely agree with you.
135. RzDrms said:
i'm OUTRAGED!!! you mean to tell us that you have four butterflies in your hatemail folder that explode out of your computer everytime you open it?!?!?! don't you have any compassion for the butterfly and their subpar living conditions?! how would you feel if your dog had to live in your hatemail folder and exploded out everytime you opened it?! SAVE THE BUTTERFLIES!!!
exclamationpoint. ;)
136. doctor t said:
[applause]
Once again, marvelling at your superhuman ability to dig yourself out from under the steaming pile of hateful, narrow-minded poor grammar and spelling, and come out smelling like... well, not like a caged chicken all covered in shit, anyway.
Does this have anything to do with your own recent free-range Chuck experiment? The number of times they reference your quadriped child makes me wonder.
137. Seren said:
Heck, I laughed like a drain and I actually have four free range chickens living in my garden! I am a Mother Hen! LOL!! Actually, we'd never eat River, Kaylee, Inara and Zoe as they're part of the family now, along with the 5 cats. We keep them for the eggs, but when they're too old to lay they'll be kept as pets and we'll get some more. Daft, eh?!
138. Caloden said:
I have not laughed this hard in such a long time. Thanks you so very much for sharing this hoo-ha.
I'm going to go have a bowl of Campbell's chicken noodle soup. Mmmmmm, yummy.
139. malika said:
Why doesn't Julie understand that free-rrange chicken broth is funny because BROTH DOESN'T HAVE LEGS? Without legs, HOW CAN IT RANGE?
140. FashMags said:
Hey!!!! I need to say something!!! LIGHTEN UP CRANKY COMMENTER PEOPLE!!! Step away from the commenting tool!
Heather, I apologize for all the punctuation, it was a bad reaction to the hate mail. Love the Dooce blog in its many forms, particularly enjoying the organic free-range version.
BTW, Badcat & T-Bone recommend cooking Chuck (when you finally chose to do so) in an organic free-range Yak broth. It will cover up the gristle flavor.
Organic free-range hugs from Boston.
141. wrensuicide said:
I can't believe how humorless people can be. Because seriously? If you are writing bitchy letters to people about CHICKEN WATER, you obviously have bigger problems.
I think it's safe to say that most of us understood what you were saying. I sat at my desk and giggled over it.
142. jdeckard said:
Whoa, daddy. If you thought your last post generated hate e-mail...
I know that it's fun to make fun of hippies and all, but I've been seeing a LOT of it lately. It's starting to get a little old. Didn't punk adequately mine this treasure trove of humor with classics like "Hippies Hate Water"?
I just finished reading Michael Pollan's "The Omnivore's Dilemma"- it's worth reading if you want to know what bullshit the whole organic/free-range label is nowadays. It's also nice to read an author who wants to do the right thing food-wise yet takes the time to examine beyond the talking points.
It's always interesting to see when a post unexpectedly finds itself poking a cultural sore spot.
143. Johnnydrummer said:
"I'm not going to stoop to insulting you, but you SOUND like a moron."
Wishy-washy chicken boy. Just butch up and do it.
144. Caitorade said:
I'd like to know why these people keep comparing the living conditions of chickens which, free-range or no, are going to be eaten(!) with the living conditions of Chuck.
Although you know, I do hear that free-range hobo dogs do taste better than those who are "cooped up" in suburban homes.
145. AnaBell said:
Americans are so gullible. Did you know that the FDA says that the "free range" label can be used for chickens if you just open their cages for 5 MINUTES every day? It doesn't even matter if the chickens go out of their cages, just keep the door open for five minutes daily and you will get all the money from those chicken supporters that feel like great people just by eating "free range" chickens.
146. kristen said:
You know, at least you weren't in a store when you pointed out how absurd the thought of organic free range chicken broth is.
I made that very mistake.
And everybody in the same aisle as I was proceeded to tell me everything that you recieved in those emails. And the whole time I could only look at them as if they were crazy, which I'm sure only fueled their fires even more.
I'm thinking it's only an elite few who get Free Range Chicken Broth. Rock on, for us!
147. Jonniker said:
I will fully cop to not getting it at first, and I don't think anyone would call me humorless, nor in lack of reading comprehension skills. I just...missed the joke entirely, for while I don't consider myself at all an organic supporter, the idea of organic free-range chicken broth made sense to me, if you're into that sort of thing, and my too-literal brain just kept seeing the "organic, free-range" as a modifier for the chickens that made the broth, not the broth running around some field, letting its hair blow in the breeze.
I had a really sinking feeling you were going to get a violent response from those in support of organic products who felt infinitely more passionately about the topic than I could have. I guess if you're predisposed and passionate to that line of thinking, it elicits a strong response, albeit one that could have lacked condescension and/or cruelty. But I could easily see how it could have been misunderstood if you're *very* passionate about organic products and used to having to defend yourself wildly at every turn.
It's kind of like those who have to defend themselves against haters and hate mail and angry readers and whatnot. It just becomes a knee-jerk reaction sometimes, I guess.
148. makitts said:
You crack my shit up!
149. Amanda B. said:
I just have two quick observations:
1. While I believe that all animals should be treated humanely just up to the point that they are hacked up and eaten by we, the consumer, chickens are pretty much blissfully unaware of their surroundings at all times. I've had chickens off and on my whole life and really folks- sometimes they drown when it's raining.
2. Chickens hang out in their own shit regardless of where you keep them. I don't know why. They seem to be very proud of it- keeping it in huge mounds and picking through it regularly- I think because it attracts bugs which chickens are keen on. They are not naturally clean animals they are stinky and gross. They poop, step in it, wipe it in their feathers, eat it, roll around in it lovingly and sometimes make little poop sculptures out of it.
I always get very attached to my chickens and treat them with kindness and love. It breaks my heart when I come home to find one of them dead because they have mistaken water for air.
I love and support the chickens of the world and think they should be allowed to run free, that they should be humanely and gently killed, and then served over long grain wild rice. That is all.
150. CJ said:
Probably all the hate emailers never noticed how odd the phrase "free range broth" fundamentally is (broth doesn't have legs so how can it range?) and deep down they are embarrassed.
I'm glad you have such a great sense of humor. First, for the post -- which I found hilarious -- and then to pick apart the dumb emails from people who Didn't Get It.
151. SilverPoet said:
Some people need to at least try to buy a sense of humor. Good job in weeding out the hypocrites. :) Also, random unrelated thoughts...love the shirts, you should do some with various monthly mastheads...I'm always waiting for the new one to crack me up.
152. kwugirl said:
Just wanted to say that I thought that the last post was supposed to be ridiculous in some way, but I didn't really get it :P So actually, I'm a bit glad that it was clarified...I figured you couldn't honestly be that serious about it. Sorry about the hate mail, though.
153. Pixiebutt said:
I can't believe people. They all need to get out and have a good laugh. I'm hippie liberal, all for free range chicken broth, but your post was still absolutely hysterical. Geez.
154. bethm411 said:
I was at the grocery store yesterday and I started laughing because I walked passed the "Organic Free Range Chicken Broth"...I too think its funny.
Ooh and when you do get tired of Chuck..YOU could make a new kind of broth...Organic Free Range Dog Broth. (do you the animal rights people are going to come take my dogs away now??? but not until I make them into broth!)
Also, I am glad that Chuck wasnt gone for long, I would have been hyperventilating if it was one of my dogs. I also ADORE the picture of him with the bone on his head.
155. Pete Dunn said:
Buck up, Heather. Free-range chicken broth is funny as monkey poop. Also, I'm certain our mothers are related... or at least go to the same church :)
156. Jodi said:
That is unfortunate... all that grief. In fact, you should know that I purposely picked the free-range oraganic chicken broth, when shopping last Saturday, because of your VERY amusing post. And I'm sure my dijon chicken was all the better for it.
So thank you. You're doing good work here.
157. Sara said:
Here's the deal. I own a dog, and I own chickens. They are very different. The dog is very snuggly and lives in the house, the chickens are not very bright and live in the barn. Chickens, free range or not, get bald anyway, because they'll peck at each other or the rooster will get so enthusiastic in his duties he'll wear the feathers off of the hens.
I don't get how people equate dogs (pets) with chickens(livestock).
I wonder what a chicken broth farm looks like?
158. bluemorpho said:
When I worked at a newspaper, I did a little round up item about a protest that PETA did, and ended up on their mailing list. I got sent lots of promotional materials, including a bloody Colonel Sanders bobble head doll (go check out their website and see) and a wind-up chicken that had been mutilated and covered in fake blood. And you should have seen the email we received when the circus came to town. The PETA and PETA-like people are really MEAN.
But on the plus side, they can write a (mostly) grammatically correct email.
I can see why you found the original thing absurd. I thought your entry was funny. I understand why they are so passionate about it, but geez, people. Do we have to be guilty about every single moment of our lives and everything we do?
159. Jessey said:
Next thing you know the friggin hippies will want us to have a chicken priest brought in to counsel the chickens before they get their last meal of certified organic, vegetarian chicken feed and then are sent off to a gentle forever sleep courtesy of carefully chosen intravenously injected drugs.
Preferably, the drugs will be made from fair-trade, shade-grown ingredients, of course. Harvested by Wiccan fairies, who are paid a decent living wage, and have comprehensive universal health plans with dental coverage.
160. MollyS said:
I had no idea people felt so strongly about chickens! I think everyone is overlooking a huge area of concern. These chickens are being raised for us to plump, kill and EAT!
If the chicken was given a choice to either live in a large cage and die or a tightly cramped cage and die, do you think it would really matter to the chicken? Either way, it's going to end up on someone's table.
Now I'm hungry for chicken nuggets from a bald chicken. MMMMMMM tasty.
161. mleah said:
Whenever I hear "free-range chickens", I think of Eddie Izzard ...
‘Cause you know the free-range chickens are so pushy, aren’t they? They go, “Oh, yes, all this field we range through now… and when they put the next field, we’ll range through that one too. And the big house, we’ve knocked that down… the farm house, yes.
And that’s our Range Rover over there, yes.†You’ve seen those Range Rovers with the high seats, and the chickens driving along, with such attitude, keep rolling down the window (clucking) Depends on how much you’ve smoked, I suppose…
162. Kellie Sullivan-Herring said:
The last sentence is why you win the internet.
163. kate said:
Looks like some angry and misinformed people need to read Michael Pollan's "The Omnivore's Dilemma" and learn that the chickens never go free on the "range" and a single sneeze can wipe out an entire antibiotic-free brood. Highly recommended reading for all those who eat, and even hippies who are looking to become hippie-er.
164. Meagan said:
I've been reading your blog for awhile, and you often have me giggling away in my office. Today, however, there was definitely some full-on laughter and tea-spitting on my monitor.
Thanks for that.
165. huntinKatie said:
Hmmmm...my cousins owned an egg farm growing up and I spent many days running around the chicken houses, and I NEVER saw BALD chickens!!!!!! Yes they had fewer feathers since they'd beat the crap out of each other, but they weren't BALD!!!!!!! Would love to visit the bald chicken farm just to see the sights!
And if most people would actually have to try to raise animals or crops without the use of current agriculture procedures, they would realize that farmers in today's society have a tough time doing it! Sorry, but my small town farm-girl attitude is showing!
166. Amanda B. said:
Holy crap, Dooce! I don't think I could possibly love you more. Please make the Hatemail Review a more regular feature.
167. poptart66 said:
Oy. Some folk take things much too seriously. And how does educating the world on free range chicken broth fall into the category of 'Dooce's responsiblity'?
168. ericka said:
very exciting -- my first comment on dooce.
- The Free Range Chicken Broth entry is funny, as is your current banner. Organic, free range, dipped in fun and love, etc is all good but people froth at the mouth about it way too much -- and that is the funny part too.
- My parents raised chickens when I was growing up in the backwoods outside Yosemite and I can say, without a doubt, that chickens are dirty, disgusting, canibal whores who quite often opt to sleep in their own feces and are bald because they peck at one another. The feces living and baldness are not a matter of neglect or poor living conditions, as our chickens were allowed to frolic in the woods, make daisy chains and ate fancy organic salad mixes for dinner. Those "gross" conditions are a matter of choice.
- Yay Chicken!
169. Lily said:
Seriously. For the non-organic, oppressed range chickens... sounds like death is a sweet release for them. I mean, if the hatemailers insist we "think of the chickens" I can't think of a better example than that.
Chickens, pigs - the lot of them are filthy. Free-range or not, they're still going to die and be made into food.
170. flytrixie said:
I think we need a 'pre-qualification test' here, in order to decide if people are capable of COMPREHENDING what is posted. Pass the test, you get a password. Don't, and you're SOL. Use the totally visible headlines to tease the shit out of people who didn't qualify for the password.
End of problem.
Except then we wouldn't get all those hysterical hatemail postings.
Hmmm...what to do...
171. dingdongditch said:
Um, yes. This so does not surprise me. I had the misfortune of working at Whole Foods for a period of time. I say misfortune because it is in this establishment where you, as an employee, will be subjected to minutes, nay.. HOURS, of discussion on all manner of food-related proclamations and exhortations. Working in the cereal aisle, I could expect to hear a few summary (and not so summary) statements on grains and sustainability and feeding the world 5000 times over if we all just ate cereal. Look, I get it. But I heard it a minimum of 5 times a day. Don't get me started on the forced smiles I slapped on my puss when working in the deli. "Is this made with rapeseed oil? Did you know..." After a few weeks of working there, I developed an involuntary twitch that became considerably more pronounced whenever I saw what I later termed to be the pre-educatory look. Generally, someone would be perusing something, and they would start glancing at me repeatedly and shuffling their feet in anticipation. Then I would usually see a brow wrinkle or a lip pucker. Sometimes both. The more they looked and shuffled, the more educatin’ I was about to receive. Finally, unable to hold it in any longer, they would burst forth with a series of statements disguised as questions, a series of blatant statements without the ruse of feigned politeness of questions, a poem - some way to GET OUT THE KNOWLEDGE. Because it always had to come out. Always. My theory was that people needed a place where they could discuss food issues in a vehement, somewhat off-putting way, because there is really no other environ on the planet where someone could get so passionate about food without seeming entirely unstable, nor is there anywhere else in the world where one would have such a topic-appropriate captive audience. My initial line of defense was to tell people that I was vegan and tried to shop locally (two very true things, incidentally) in an attempt to politely suggest that I didn’t need a store-based learning session, but that only seemed to fuel the fire more. So, I just timed my head nods to occur at the appropriate interval and kept a polite but noncommittal smile on my face. They exhausted themselves after a while and I was able to return to my work and await another lesson.
172. Jessey said:
Crap.
Of course the chickens wouldn't want a priest to counsel them. Clearly I am foisting my imperialistic Western, warmongering American worldview onto the poultry.
Perhaps some of those chickens are Muslim, or more likely Jewish. You know, chicken soup = the Jewish penicillin.
Anyway, sorry to the chickens for my religious impudence.
173. Me said:
These people are right!!!
Chickens must be free and allowed to range wide and far in the open plains in an organic fashion like their wild ancestors did!!!!! Free from the TYRANNY of people with cages and water and broth recipes!!!!!!! We must stop eating of the chickens!!!!!!!!!
Instead turn to organic, free-range, soylent green. Mmmmm, that's good people!
-Me
174. t*love said:
Are these fuckers for real? Wow. They sound crazier than Tom Cruise-azy.
175. Tim Murtaugh said:
"Relax! WE NEED YOU TO TASTE BETTER."
When I write a movie, I'm totally stealing that line.
176. dre said:
OH MY FUCKING GOD - ARE YOU JOKING?! Who knew that you, Heather, are single-handedly responsible for the demise of the chicken. You should be ashamed of yourself! Wanting the poor little ol' chicken to live in such horrible conditions - and then feeding them to your child!
These people who send you hate mail are bonafide LOSERS and are in desperate need of a drink - or perhaps some lovin' up the pooper. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
p.s. LOVE the new dooce t-shirt - can't wait to get mine.
177. kidsmom said:
Huh. Guess SOME PEOPLE live less complicated lives than I do!!!!!!! FREE RANGE CHICKEN BROTH never even made my list of concerns.
178. kidsmom said:
Huh. Guess SOME PEOPLE live less complicated lives than I do!!!!!!! FREE RANGE CHICKEN BROTH never even made my list of concerns.
179. Kate said:
Okay, so I actually think that these people should take a look at their ignorance on the subject of sarcasm.
Honestly, they could just go back to all the posts where you highlight your shopping trips and analyze the receipt codes. Then they could print out each receipt, highlight each non-organic food and suggest alternate products. I mean, if they really cared that much, they would. Right?
180. Jill Shalvis said:
Boggles the mind.
181. Her Ladyship said:
Too funny what people get worked up about. I hate myself a little, but I have a bunch of free-range chicken broth in my pantry. HOWEVER, there is a good explanation (really!): it's the only kind that's lower in sodium. At least at my crappy supermarket, it is. I still feel kinda like my California heritage is asserting itself every time I put it in my basket though.
182. Bake Town said:
How does anyone read the words “heroin-addicted hooker chickens with herpes†and not realize you are joking?
It’s sad really.
183. FessingUp said:
hahahahahahahahaha....im laughing so hard, i think i just pee'd a little....nice work....what a great way to start of the day!
184. Cadbury said:
I LOVE when you do these retrospectives of the hate mail. Its like a little slice of America demonstrating the great divide. The only other times I get to see this in my face is when I'm driving (you get to see the inability of people to process information when you watch them make driving decisions), and when I watch the results of the election. And I think to myself... I don't even KNOW a Republican... where are these people hiding?!
...and for the record, that original paragraph about the broth, was HYSTERICAL!!! When I go to buy my chicken broth, I do it by PRICE, because where I shop, the REGULAR chicken broth is just as ORGANIC as the labelled ORGANIC FREE RANGE CHICKEN BROTH (which happens to be the cheaper!).
185. mleah said:
Two things I'm so stealing from these comments --
"You pushed her over the hater line" and "Tom Cruise-azy"
Kil.ling.me!
186. Therese said:
Woa, Heather.
This is almost as bad as that time Chuck's collar was upside down.
187. Snickrsnack Katie said:
I personally laughed hysterically after reading your post the other day. I did, however, know that there would be tons of hate mail from people who just didn't gleen the humor from the post. It is amusing how these people are calling you ignorant and moronic when they can't even pinpoint when someone is being tongue-in-cheek.
I was at the grocery store yesterday roaming (free-range roaming) the aisles and came across chicken broth. I couldn't help but break out into hysterics in the middle of Aisle 7. What is even funnier is thinking of all those morons getting mad and waving their fists in the air because they took you so seriously. I bet a lot of chicken broth aisles at supermarkets nationwide will be full of muttering idiots.
I guess you just have to laugh about it!
188. Megan said:
I think your sense of humor is brilliant.
You need a section solely for hate mail. It's really amusing. Kudos on not letting it bother you too much.
189. Therese said:
Oh! And even to an on-the-fence about the organic free-range stuff person, it definitely sounds very much like that, you're so right:
"THINK OF THE CHICKENS! HUG A CHICKEN! WHAT ABOUT THE CHIIIIIIIICKEEEEEENNNNNNNS! SAAAAAAAAAAVE THEM!"
...
And now the word "chicken" just looks funny. Hehehhe.
190. Pete Dunn said:
My favorite hate mail is the kind that is clearly so speedily written (because of the true passion and hate of the author) that it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever until you switch off your brain and throw in verbs and prepositions of your own choosing to replace the absent ones. Run-on sentences are nice too.
191. sangsterrific said:
Just another comment from a hippie reader... I will now go throw out all my make-up and start using the empty cases to hide my weed. Then I will give all the meat in my freezer a proper burial...a proper Wiccan burial. Then I will don my Birkenstocks and go lead a hunger strike at the grocery store because it is ALL CRAPPY AND UNETHICAL FOOD! Then I will starve because there is nothing left to eat that has not somehow had a negative impact on our Earth. Thank you, all who posted, for educating me on how to properly behave like a hippie. And thank you, Megan, for showing me how wearing make-up has undermined my hippie-ness lo these many years.
192. Sally said:
I think that some people - not all - but some who read blogs can be very literal. They don't understand dry humour such as the brilliance of yours.
I once wrote about how, it being half term and my children (I have five of them and one computer) monopolising the computer, because they needed their statutory requirement of 12 hours of BEBO/ MSN time, and someone commented, aghast taht i allowed my children onto theh computer for 12 hours.
Now as far as I remember, the day is only 24 hours long. Allow a reasonable period for sleeping and eating and drinking and divide that by 12 = a joke in respect of the above.
So if that's contentious - CHICKENS???!!!
Love your blog, and LOVE your letters to LETA. Wish i ahd thought of doing soemthing like that when mine were little.
Sally
193. Coelecanth said:
I once asked the cashier at an organic food store if they had any tuna with extra dolphins despite believing that it isn't hypocritical to treat an animal well before you kill it and eat it. What does this mean? Perhaps it means that humour is subjective and no cause for alarm.
194. Kate said:
The AIDS crisis, poverty, war, THE TREATMENT OF CHICKENS, child slavery ...
You are just so IGNORANT, Heather! :)
Seriously, people. Get a life!
195. Kamella said:
Wow, some people really take this stuff seriously.
I got that you were kidding and laughed my butt off, you are very humourous and I check daily.
196. Evilsciencechick said:
dammit. I was all about to pull the link off slashfood about the organic vs. nonorganic chicken article, and then you go and quote it already.
but dude...some of those people SERIOUSLY need to relax about the chickens and then maybe start having some sex because OBVIOUSLY they have stress and repression issues.
197. Grub Street NM said:
Call me squeamish. But: penned chickens eat chicken feed (which is usually vitamin-enriched,) and drink clean water. Free range chickens eat skunk poop and dog vomit and drink whatever they step in. Let me think a second: which do I want in *my* broth? Hmm. Tough one. Advocates of "free range" feeding have probably never tasted game meet, fresh from the wild.
198. booger said:
How DARE you laugh at something funny! I'm so glad to see people getting worked up over chicken broth. Especially when there are much greater issues in the world to be wasting your exclamation points on. Sheesh.
Heather, you are my hero.
199. ugotsoul said:
Oh man... I laughed so hard I almost pee'd.. that was just excellent. You know how they say nature always finds a way to balance itself? well it certainly does... it's almost conforting to know we have a few liberal nut wits to balance all the right wing tit bags... otherwise, life just wouldn't fair!
200. Jen said:
Obviously we cannot continue this policy of "free range" chicken because chickens are evil animals and will eventually overpower us if we allow them to continue roaming before we eventually take them to a slaughterhouse and chop them into morsels for consumption. Apparently they don't mind that second part, just the part where we keep them in small cages.
I've never laughed so hard in my whole life. People who are angry about food and serious about being angry are always humorous.
201. Roshi said:
OMG, i had no idea people were so passionate about their chicken broth! and so stupid for not seeing the point of your previous entry and getting their panties in a bunch because they can't appreciate humor. lighten up everybody; life is too short for fighting over chicken broth!
202. zmom said:
Fucken A.
203. Roshi said:
OMG, i had no idea people were so passionate about their chicken broth! and so stupid for not seeing the point of your previous entry and getting their panties in a bunch because they can't appreciate humor. lighten up everybody; life is too short for fighting over chicken broth!
204. Paula said:
HILARIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!
205. tbrannies said:
You should look on the bright side of this Heather: you are providing an excellent source of excitement for the free-range chicken broth lovers of the world. I mean really, how many times in their lives do they get a chance to defend their beliefs on a world-wide stage such as your site? Not many I'm guessing. (I'm also guessing they don't get much sex or fun in their lives either, but that's neither here nor there.)
206. onegirlmanyideas said:
good grief.
207. William said:
I think you need to make T-shirts that read Free Range Chuck-en. With , of course, a picture of Chuck. Kind of like the Free Mumia or Winona shirts.
All of this free range chicken...man did you ever see how they serve McNuggets? All six of them in a small box with only a small hole for ventilation? So sad.
208. Robert Paulson said:
I wasn't oozing chicken crap from my pores over organic vs non - but I did agree with your mother: it just wasn't funny. Not to be mistaken for one-hand-on-hip-the-other-with-index-finger-extended-and-shaking not funny. Just not humorous. A yawner. As in weird that you found it soooo funny.
You on the weed?
209. Debbie said:
I giggled at the Free Range post -- uhm, maybe because I saw it as what it was, HUMOR. It's sad that some people would rather spend their time desperately seeking something to get their panties in a wad about.
Oh, and I giggled even more when I read the line "I hope this e-mail ruins your day."
210. doog said:
Oh, you'll get yours, Armstrong. Ever see Hitchcock's film 'The Birds'? *nod* That's right. When you come home and find 10,000 angry chickens perched on your house, you'll understand.
Not nice to poke fun at Mother Nature.
You've been warned.
(giggle)
211. tbrannies said:
From my nwe favorite comedian, Jim Gaffigan:
"Do you KNOW what they do to those chickens?"
"No, but they sure are tasty!"
212. Kimba said:
Heather I am always amazed at your hatemail. What is wrong with people these days?!?! They're too worried about pleasing everybody (chickens included....) that they get all...antsy. Crazed. Insane. Thanks for sharing! :) And bytheway? I thought free-range chicken broth was hilarious. AND I STILL DO. Maybe even more so now.......
213. brandy said:
Too many comments to read so if someone might have already mentioned this.
A good friend of mine works for the department of agriculture here in Canada. She is incredibly well educated in all manners of farm practices and has seen first hand the best and the worst of it.
She told me that almost all "free range" poultry isn't really free range because only the birds who are on the very outside of the group might wander out into the the "free range" but more often then not they just all stand around clucking about the sky falling.
ok so she didn't say that last part but I bet that's what chickens think.
Obviously these people are in need of some free range humour.
214. samacon said:
I'm consistently amused at your "hater" posts. Some people take themselves (and chickens) way to seriously. I think the people trying to educate are cute, but the people filled with moral outrage are totally amusing.
215. urban_girlfriend said:
I've never commented before, but all I can say is LIGHTEN UP PEOPLE, LIGHTEN UP!
I thought the original post was, as usual, quite funny.
216. Stv. said:
Man, I love your hatemail roundups. I also liked your organic free-range broth post. I don't know if you saw it when visiting here (and good lord, why would you?), but in Vancouver (BC, not WA), there's a chicken-processing plant that's fairly close to downtown. Close enough that I pass it semi-regularly. Anyhoo. Myself and several friends (perhaps everybody, but I don't know them), have always called it "Chicken Auschwitz". Because, well, you know, it's where chickens go to die. And thus morbidly funny (we think). Sadly, however, not everyone found this so funny and I got called all sorts of nasty names by this old lady on the bus one day when we were talking about it. But it goes to show that one man's humor is another man's Attack On Everything They Hold Dear.
217. HeathsB said:
i am not going to take the low road and hurl some ridiculous insult at the haters. but i'd like to point out the amazing about your blog, you do use your powers for good, it's so good it heals the sick and raises the dead. i need do go let my dogs out of their feces filled cages, i think i saw some balding. and i am wearing makeup right now!
218. Abigail Visco said:
short of insulting my mother and/or claiming that red wine is akin to organic free-range chicken broth, i don't think there's anything you could write on this site that would get this italian, youth minister, seminary student, fence-riding-independant, east-coast, cat-lover to stop reading.
and then again, your shameless attestation to the hotness of britney spears and repulsive nature of crocs might redeem anything you ever say in relation to those stipulations. write on, sister.
219. Patti said:
I just want to know if they make Organic Free Range Chicken Bullion Cubes, because thats funnier than broth. Cubes are always funnier than liquids.
220. Brooke said:
I think that Organic Free Range Chicken Broth is really funny. really.
221. amy Jacobs said:
I'm gonna join the legions of people who've already posted and say, "Give me a frigin' break!" Are these people serious about these "hate" emails? Honestly? There are people being poisoned by weird, tiny amounts of radiation by their government, people setting themselves on fire in the streets in protest, millions dying of famine, wars tearing families apart...hell, even black holes sucking up stars like a Dirt Devil, and these morons can only come up with free range chickens to defend???!!!!!! Holy mother of whatever. The older I get the more I am convinced (as in the water is half full or empty) than the world is definitely filled with MORE stupid and crazy people than sensible and sane. Thank goodness for you Heather. I'll just go ahead and mark you down on the sensible, and yes, even sane side. Add to that someone with a damn fine sense of humor. While free range chickens are fine, all I could envision was these massive commercial farms with thousands of "free" birds running amuck, which I must say would not be a place I'd wanna be anywhere near. Have you ever smelled chicken poo or been around a farm with LOTS of chickens? I hate to break it to the poultry lovers, but caged or not, those little buggers are nasty creatures whether enclosed or running around like a chicken with it's head cut off...pun intended of course.
The funniest part to me was the fervor by which they defended the chicken's well lived lives until their heads are chopped off and they fried up in a pan for dinner! Way to be animal welfare activists people.
Please continue to embarass and shame these folks Heather...it serves them right for wasting their mental energy, vital eletrical power on their home computer that probably is responsible for killing at least a few chickens somewhere in the world and your time that you could be spending training Chuck to sniff out crazy people (not pointing any fingers here...let's just say they'd be ones who might spend a little too much time eating chicken soup.)
222. literatigirl said:
I don't know Heather, I didn't really like your original chicken post either. The irony didn't particularly ooze off the screen, and I felt quite sure you were being serious when you said you couldn't imagine what the difference was between one kind of broth and another. Whatever. My biggest problem with it is that you made animal rights out to be a "liberal" issue. I'm also surprised that you consider most of the stuff you just posted hate-mail.
Re: the above commenter who says she's been to a chicken farm. Was it funny to watch the chickens "beat the shit" out of each other? Yeah, well the factory chicken farms we are all talking about (not the nice little chicken farm you visited) don't think so. Which is why they cut their beaks off.
Sorry If I sound sour. I just didn't want to feel afraid to say what I think. I enjoy this blog and don't want to stop reading it because of one post, but I would've felt like a chicken-shit if I don't chime in.
223. Jeff said:
"I’d put a little note underneath the windshield wiper with the name of a good therapist and 10 dollars to help with the co-pay."
This made me laugh the hardest.
Like he has insurance...
224. sasha said:
I wish I had as much free time on my hands as these people do.
Love the hater posts! (!!!)
225. Straten said:
Thanks, Heather. People are AMAZING. Please keep doing what you are doing.
226. thefirecat said:
Okay, there are only three possible reasons people could not have thought that "Free range chicken broth" was funny.
1. They have no sense of humour whatsoever because they are already dead; their pulses just haven't stopped.
2. They're so dumb that they didn't get what you were saying.
3. All of the above.
And incidentally, my dad and I had had the exact same conversation about free range chicken broth about a week before. It's so nice to know we're not the only people out there with this exact sense of humour.
So let me guess: is January's masthead going to read "THINK OF THE CHICKENS!!!!!" ? Because that would rock.
227. Lucy said:
I'm raising chickens. They are very happy and get to range free. I'm just raising them for their eggs, but now that I know that they will give me super powers and the ability to raise the dead, I can't wait until they start laying!
228. Teetotaled said:
Wow! Think of the power you wield, that these seemingly normal (maybe?) individuals are sitting at home being driven to write hate email to a stranger because of your website! Pretty funny stuff. I really hope these hate mailers check the site enough to see their hate mail get posted. That really is the best revenge. :)
229. literatigirl said:
I am neither dead nor unintelligent.
But thanks for the diagnosis, thefirecat.
230. kdjmom3 said:
we're talking about organic chicken broth, right? that's made from DEAD chickens?
imagine if all the people who took the time to compose vitrolic hate mail to you put their powers to work for good...
231. Kat said:
Things I learned from this post:
1. Megan taught me that hippies don't wear make-up and that is clearly a distinguishing characteristic between crazed chicken lover and hippie. Good to know so that I can see them in the wild.
2. Jason taught me that orange juice is made by boiling oranges in a pot of water.
3. Todd taught me that Iraqis = chickens which because I like to take things to the next level I deduce that the war in Iraq actually helped them to become free range Iraqis out from under the power of Saddam who = Tyson!
4. Donaleen taught me that free range chickens = Jesus!
5. Julie taught me that the only good dogs to eat are the ones that roam around outside in the back yard.
Thank you so much for the education. Seriously, people need to lighten up.
232. Katherine said:
I thought the Organic Free Range Chicken Broth post was hilarious, and I regularly buy it. Just because you believe in organic products (here we are again with the religious language... lol) doesn't mean you can't laugh about them.
233. Billygean.co.uk said:
Oh Dooce. You are a breath of fresh air :)
234. SarahHasSomeLittleLambs said:
Crimmeney. The only reason to use free range chicken broth is because it has no MSG in it. Every other type of chicken broth on the market has it. Which means that the vast majority of chicken broths out there are toxic to both my husband and brother-in-law. Makes 'em act like they're on PCP. When they're not dying of anaphylactic shock, that is.
And I'm with Lucy on the super powers thing. Who knew that the little poop buckets could give me healing powers? Because they are nasty poopy things, chickens.
As a side note - when a chicken is bald, it usually means that they've been getting a lot of sex from the rooster. A LOT.
235. Katherine said:
I thought the Organic Free Range Chicken Broth post was hilarious, and I regularly buy it. Just because you believe in organic products (here we are again with the religious language... lol) doesn't mean you can't laugh about them.
236. iwouldlovetohearfromyou said:
Do the free range chicken activist people know that both free range and non-free range chickens have the same fate? The chickens die and we eat them. The End.
Thanks for brightening my day with a little hatemail!
237. Mo said:
I just didn't get why you thought it was funny, not until you explained it this time.
All the canned and boxed kinds taste the same to me anyway. Homemade from a caged, inbred, steroid-laden bird is better than any low-sodium organic free-range happy rainbow boxed brand I've tried.
238. deannster said:
I think people should be screened for a sense of humor before being allowed to read anything on this site.
239. Chantel said:
I only eat free range chicken broth but I always feel guilty when I go through the KFC drive-thu. If that's not enough complication for medication I don't know what is.
People really need to get a sense of humor.
240. chefgirl said:
I'm with Literatigirl and the other poster above who said the original post just wasn't funny. As Literatigirl said, the post didn't come across as ironic (unless perhaps you using "ironic" in the Alanis Morrisette sense). While the previous post was obviously exagerrated for humorous effect (although, as I said, I didn't find it particularly humorous), one did get the sense that you think organic chicken broth is an absurd concept.
241. adelheide said:
This is all very amuzing. It brings great joy to my heart to know there are so many ready to lay down their lives for the cause of free range chickens. I weep with joy for the chickens, and laughter at the stupid people.
242. Paris Lights said:
I don't know what percentage of your readership don't understand sarcasm (a good proportion, it seems), but I find your blog refreshingly funny and I have to say, always surprising. I'm English and never really thought Americans got sarcasm, but your brand of humo(u)r is clearly transatlantic. Don't chicken out!
243. Kyla said:
OMG! Such strong feelings about chicken broth!!
And I thought that Megan said "I am so not a hater normally, but you sound like a MORMON in your post." It made me chuckle, until I re-read it and realized it said "moron".
And the new banner? GENIUS. Absolute genius.
244. Paris Lights said:
I don't know what percentage of your readership don't understand sarcasm (a good proportion, it seems), but I find your blog refreshingly funny and I have to say, always surprising. I'm English and never really thought Americans got sarcasm, but your brand of humo(u)r is clearly transatlantic. Don't chicken out!
245. Paris Lights said:
I don't know what percentage of your readership don't understand sarcasm (a good proportion, it seems), but I find your blog refreshingly funny and I have to say, always surprising. I'm English and never really thought Americans got sarcasm, but your brand of humo(u)r is clearly transatlantic. Don't chicken out!
246. adelheide said:
This is all very amusing. It brings great joy to my heart to know there are so many ready to lay down their lives for the cause of free range chickens. I weep with joy for the chickens, and laughter at the stupid people.
247. fern said:
See, the thing is the original post and this one, well, they just aren't funny. I think you missed the mark. I like your site and think you are a fantastic writer, but this time, man, I don't get it. Sorry, dude.
248. Rebecca said:
I still can't believe the things some people like to get tickled over. It's completely absurd. Lighten up, yo.
249. choice said:
When I saw that the first two e-mails were from Jason and Megan, I thought that Kottkes had gone crazy. But as amazed as I am by the hate mail you receive, I qam surprised by how many people commented that they didn't get the original post, either. Makes me wonder how often I'm laughing at other things you write and they are staring bitterly at the screen.
250. Courtney said:
I don't know if anyone else has said this (since I'm too lazy to read all 247 comments that came before mine), but my fiance actually read an interesting article about what a farmer has to do to be able to label his chickens (or chicken broth) free range. All they have to do is give the chickens ACCESS to the outside world. The chickens don't have to actually go out there. In fact, most "free range" farmers don't give their chickens access to the outside world until they are older, used to being in their cages, and therefore terrified of going outside. All they have to do is open the cage door for so many hours a day and it can be consider free range.
I don't see how that is any better than regular cage chickens - since the chickens aren't leaving the cages anyway.
I'm not saying that this is how all free range chickens are treated, I'm just saying that is how it is regulated.
251. Varla said:
oh my god, people, it is called humor. I am amazed at the commenter that said they did not think what you got qualified as hate mail..."I hope this ruins your day"...sounds pretty hateful to me?
Just ridiculous. Heather, your site rocks, rocks the F**KING house, and these people that cannot understand should just go read SOME OTHER BLOG...except if they did, and you got less hate mail, we would not have the pleasure of LAUGHING AT THEM.
And btw, I am basically a hippie vegetarian. WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
252. cailey said:
I didn't realize that chicken broth was such a big deal. Those people would probably cast me out because I just buy whatever brand is on sale. I honestly taste no difference between the different kinds.
Apparently though we are supposed to be thinking about the chickens (!) here. I didn't know people thought that much about chickens either. It must be constantly on their minds; keeping them up late at night...
ps-I liked that post. And I would have laughed my ass off right with you were I there.
253. Darrin said:
I find it humerous that there is this kind of "outrage" over chicken broth. I must say I also find it funny that people don't get the humor.
I'm no Colbert or Stewart, but even a caffinated dolt like me sees the humor.
254. e2 said:
I eat chicken, it's good stuff. Especially the kind that shit and piss all over themselves.
I have a friend who doesn't eat chicken though. I went to her place one day and I saw thousands of chickens sitting on her doorstep waiting to thank her. It was truly amazing!
Isn't patchouli made from an organic chicken broth base? Stupid hippies.
255. victoria said:
Heather, I agree with some of the commenters that the original post about the chicken broth was not one of your best. It was not very funny. Also some of your readers may find it objectionable that many commercially raised farm animals live out their entire lives in cruel confinement. Your post may have bothered them because it seemed to be ridiculing the idea that more humane approaches to farming might be worth supporting. So, the post could be kind of offensive to some readers, without being as entertaining as your writing usually is. But that was unusual -- almost all of your writing is clever and pleasurable and it is almost always clear to me that you do not intend to scorn or harm anyone.
256. fern said:
and oh literatigirl - i am totally with you on this one.
257. kernelpanic said:
Too bad we can't zap everyone ala Men In Black and forget the whole "political correctness" thing. What is this country coming to?
258. Renae said:
What in the world are people thinking when they sit down to write hate mail about chicken broth? So many things in the world to be upset about, war, poverty, crappy television shows, but no, some people focus on what's important: the care and feeding of chickens. I really don't get it. I buy free range chicken broth all the time (hey, it has less sodium than the other brands), and I always crack up a bit when I do because it is kind of morbidly funny. "Be free little chicken...ok, enough of that, time for soup!"
259. SurprisingWoman said:
As a makeup wearing hippie that uses shampoo that is not tested on animals, wears makeup that is not tested on animals and infrequently wears perfume which may or may not be tested on animals I thought your post was a bit obscure, but not worthy of emailing you about.
People really need to get a life. Anyone that reads your blog and doesn't understand sarcasm needs help.
PS I get the Organic Free Range Chicken Broth at Costco for cheap. ;)
260. Johnomatopoeia said:
The fact that 'Ted' actually said this...
"I am not going to take the low road and hurl some ridiculous insult at you, because I think you would get some twisted sense of joy out of it. Rather, I will simply say, I hope this e-mail ruins your day"
...and did not see the inherent irony contained within his very comment just goes to prove that some people just aren't smart enough to read your site. Or maybe he was just taking the road that is still low, but slightly higher than the actual low road. Either way...
Ted, please go get laid. Preferrably with an organic, free-range blow-up doll.
See, I took the low road.
261. Vaguely Urban said:
I notice a pleasing trend with these hate mails: use of the word "moron". A word that has regrettably tapered off in use in recent years.
So that's something, anyway.
262. Chicken Little said:
I don't know what you are all complaining about. I'm the one getting screwed either way. True, it would be nice to go for a jog now and then, but what am I really going to all that effort for? A little extra cardio isn't much good when you are lying on a plate under a blanket of that terrible paste you call gravy. If you really want to show a chicken some respect, buy my a nice little place in Ft. Lauderdale and let me live out my life in peace.
263. Chicken Little said:
One more thing...
The sky is falling. The sky is falling.
264. discopitbull said:
So the chicken and the egg were in bed one night; the chicken rolls over and starts smoking a cigarette but the egg rolls over and pouts. "What's the matter honey?" asks the chicken, "I thought we had a good time!" The egg looked over at the chicken, obviously upset,"Well I guess this answers the question of which comes first!"
265. Mama V said:
Oh my. How very, very sad that so many people have so much time to rip your post to pieces when they could be doing so many more productive things....
I have my own issues with "organic" and "free-range" products and the (IMHO) false pretenses they set and have people believe just so they can charge more for their products.
And, as an aside, if you were to eat Chuck, you can rest assured that he is free-range... didn't he just have free range of the neighbourhood the other day? That should at least keep the chicken-lovin' freaks from calling PETA against you!
Btw - I am, in my own way, a chicken lover - particularly the wings, in a nice, hot buffalo sauce, extra crispy with and ice cold beer.
266. heyitsme! said:
i just got in trouble at work because i laughed so loudly.. thanks. my favorites:
"not everyone who believes in saving our environment is a hippy. I in fact am wearing makeup right now!" i mean my god! makeup is SO square.
It is fucking amazing. It can heal the sick and raise the dead.
"I don’t know about you, but now that I know that the eggs I eat for breakfast every morning might possibly be laid by a bald chicken, a rather bald chicken, waking up is going to be a hundred percent more awesome." just ha.
and the end.... i would suggest duck sauce when you do eat chuck finally... thanks for makin my day, just like you did yesterday and the day before and the...
267. Nancy D. said:
Oh. My.
I got that Organic Free Range Chicken Broth this Thanksgiving. Why? Cause it was next to the sold out UNorganic, maybe maybe not Free Range Chicken Broth and I didn't wanna stop at another store (saving gas for the environment! Yea. That's why. Nothing to do with not wanting to go to another grocery store right before Food Orgy Day). So what the hell, I'll get this one.
I'm thinking I don't need to do that again cause that Organic Free Range stuff? Cloudy (ick) and not so much with the robust chickeny flavor. I'll just remember to get the stupid broth when I go to the regular store the first time. Swanson's never failed me before.... I feel badly for abandoning them this year. As well I should with my subpar basting broth....
Your emailers are right. There is nothing inherently funny in chicken broth. It's...well, chicken broth. Utilitarian. Practical. Healing under the right circumstances. It's when you add in the ridiculous that it BECOMES humorous. The final touch is the Righteous Indignation. That takes Humorous Organic Free-Range Chicken Broth from mere hilarity to out right hysterical.
But really.... what IS Organic Free-Range Chicken WITHOUT a hearty helping of Righteous Indignation??
268. Maggie Ann said:
Obviously bouillon is the way to go. With all those natural and artificial flavors (and preservatives), I bet there is no more than a speck of chicken actually added.
269. Chicken Little said:
I've misplaced my copy of today's agenda. Must have happened when I was out "walkin' the free range." When do we begin the discussion on veal?
270. lyndseyelise said:
Take joy in the fact that you ruined so many people's day over the topic of chicken broth. They are probably curled up in the fetal position murmuring to themsevles,"must free the chickens" over and over again.
271. lyndseyelise said:
I'm sure this topic has taken the place of abortion in some circles.
272. Mellow said:
Really? I mean really?
Maybe it was national "lose your sense of humor" day.
273. zero2gourmet said:
I recently used organic chicken stock and was very happy with it. However, I’m not sure I could muster up that kind of passion for anything.
274. Anndruh said:
Wow. I thought the whole organic chicken brother thing was hilarious.
The only reason I know how chicken broth is made is because I watch far too much Food Network (that is not to say, however, that I am by any means a decent cook).
Silly people. Lighten up.
275. wrongwaywy said:
Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Those freaks don't know how to take a joke and have obviously ZERO sense of humor...oy
276. literatigirl said:
Yes, zero2gourmet, being aloof is just oh-so trendy these days. One doesn't need "passion" to vocalize their feelings, they just need a little conviction, a mouth, and half a spine.
Some of you will be glad to see me gettin' my tail out of here- I AM passionate about my work and I need to write.
277. TigerLambGirl said:
Ah - fluck the chickens and the haters.
I just wanna V-neck t-shirt*.
*if Chuck models it I'll get him a one year subscription to *New Zealand* Shepherd Porn.
278. Jonniker said:
You know what I think is kind of unfair and a little terrifying? Everyone here is so enraged at how insulting and disrespectful the hatemailer/commenters are. And yet, everyone feels completely free to be insulting, disrespectful and completely vitriolic towards those commenters/hatemailers who disagree with them. Frankly, just I don't see how that's any better.
It just doesn't seem right to me, honestly, that differences of opinion, however poorly stated, are squelched down in a mire of rabid groupthink. It's kind of a shame.
279. TigerLambGirl said:
Okay, Jonniker. I revise my last post:
Ah - fluck the chickens and the haters, and the haters who hate the haters.
I still wanna V-neck t-shirt.
280. Jennifer said:
It is incredibly ironic that people who care about the welfare of the chickens still kill and eat the chickens. Of course, I'm one of those myself so I probably shouldn't point fingers.
The original post was funny. If people took it that personally, maybe that's something they should be discussing with their therapist?
281. Mytiroo said:
I have been reading your website for almost a year and the thing I like most about it is your honesty regardless of the background because lets face it - life isnt always pc, isnt always perfect, sometimes is amazing and sometimes its shit.
I dont care whether or not you eat organic free range pesticide free added omega chicken broth. Personally I would like to but I cant afford it and and anyway they dont sell it way down south where bananas grow. I just like to reading your articles. I get the feeling you arent going to change any time soon but I would just like to say: dont!
282. Gooseberried said:
Well, I happen to think organic free range chicken is hilarious. Silly me; I didn't even know about it until your post. I live off mac-n-cheese, ramen and cereal (all non-organic). I'll be eating those poorly treated chickens because I am a poor college student who can hardly afford that, let alone a happy chicken.
283. naivelilpup said:
Mental note to self: People who are "Certified Organic Free Range" are humour deficient. Avoid all humorous contact at all cost! ;)
284. chefgirl said:
My impression of Heather's original post was that, like Gooseberrie, this was the first time she had heard of organic chicken broth, and the novelty of it is why she thought it was so funny. *Shrug*
285. Brad Martin said:
Megan used the foreign spelling for favor with an "our," and of course foreign people don't matter. Logic triumphs over hippies once again.
286. saywha? said:
Cracks me up. Ted seriously- someone should find that man and help him before he snaps.
I buy organic and free range.
Who cares? It's my personal choice for myself and my family. It's all funny and people who don't have a sense of humor can suck it. Also-Heather, I really wish you'd stop being a sentence fragment hater.
287. Amy LeBlanc said:
i'm with geokaz: i'm relieved to know it was just me totally not getting your joke, and given the context of the other foods you report eating it seemed plausible that you really weren't getting why it's a viable product. and while some people might not understand why people react to this issue so vehemently, it's because for many of us tree-hugging dirt-worshipping vegetarian types, food production is very high up there on the list of things we don't ever take lightly. free range cupcakes? funny. free range chickens? not funny. and yes, most informed people are quite aware that the "free range" label doesn't even really mean free range anymore, due to megacorps co-opting the organic market.
all in all, i'm glad to see you still have a sense of humor about your hate mail, heather, but honestly, now that i know it was 100% joke, i still don't think it was funny. i'd say "don't quite your day job to become a standup comedian....", but wait. you don't have a day job.
288. rhonda said:
Oh, how i do enjoy the quarterly hate mail review!
289. Candice said:
You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they respect the Organic Free Range Chicken Broth. You do not, and you're a horrible person for it. That is, among other things, the reason you are probably going to Hell.
;-)
290. A Knupfer said:
Hmmm I read your chicken post and found the humor ... It was obvious you weren't the horrible person people try to make you out to be...
Do people really have this much free time... ???
Your blog calls to the normal mass of people and a mass amount of idiots. I just love it! You have such power Heather!!!!
(note my use of multiple exclamation points)
291. Dave Vogt said:
That omega-3 and omega-3:omega-6 stuff is from studies on grassfed beef, not free-range poultry.
Studies have still shown (I could get the references if you like) that grassfed beef doesn't taste as good, even if it is marginally better for you and is "happier."
292. curlybop said:
Sheesh. People need to lighten up. Or really take a good poop...that helps sometimes too. Speaking of which, no poop stories lately. I'm sure you'd get some great hate mail from that too.
293. bethyboo said:
you rock, heather. And chickens love you, too.
294. jghodd said:
wtf. we are talking about chicken broth, right? man, there are some combative/serious free range chicken supporters out there. maybe they (collectively) need a hobby.
i don't know if i even need to add anything else.
295. girl said:
I think I could make an entire day out of reading your hate mail. It's fantastic! I wonder if these morons realize just how much delight you get from laughing at their hate-filled (and exclamation point-filled) sentence fragments and run-on sentences?
296. CatLady? said:
I'm a new reader, and even I understand that you weren't disparaging the free-range process, just enjoying the lablling of the product. It's like the offer for braille menus at a fast food drive through, which leave me with a sense of amusement tinged with incredulity that has nothing to do with blindness.
297. Chelley said:
I am laughing my a$$ off over here! The chicken-loving hippie freaks need to relax and get a sense of humor!
298. stepblog said:
I saw the very product in question that night at the store after reading your post, and smirked to myself. No, not at the chickens, nor sustainability, nor organic food, nor any of that. Because that wasn't what you were making fun of. The humorlessness of your haters is one reason I can hardly bring myself to shop at our organic grocery store anymore.
299. raspberry queen said:
I love this month's banner EVEN MORE than I did when I first saw it.
I had no idea people took their broth so seriously. Wow.
300. pammer said:
Fucking brilliant. And how do I get butterflies to fly out of MY screen and kiss me on the nose?
I need me some of those.