My Little Non-Pooper
The thing about our dog is, you see, our dog only poops on grass. And this is not something we necessarily trained him to do, to poop only on grass. In fact, I don't know why someone would actually train their dog to poop only on grass. Because if someone like that ever got stuck in a place where there is no grass, like say, a gigantic parking lot in Ukiah, California, and their dog really needed to go poop, that dog would hold that poop so tightly and with such astounding determination that two days later when he finally did go poop, a miniature crystallized replica of Mount Rushmore, all four sets of eyes, noses and ears intact, would tumble out of his ass.
So the other day Chuck and I stepped outside to do our morning duties -- I say "our" because I really want Chuck to feel that I'm on his team, that we're in this together, all for one poop and one poop for all -- and there was a thin layer of melting snow masking the ground. And Chuck who has never seen snow was handling the whole spectacle with uncharacteristic calm, but he couldn't figure out what the hell had happened to all the grass. He knew he had seen it there yesterday, it was there yesterday, he had pooped right over there on the grass yesterday, look over there, for crying out loud!
So I tried walking him back and forth in the snow thinking we might expose little patches of grass underneath our footprints. And little by little we created a perfectly acceptable pooping strip, a little rectangle of frozen but eminently recognizable grass. And we circled and circled, inching ever closer toward our deliverables, when I remembered that not only does Chuck refuse to poop anywhere but on grass, he refuses to poop anywhere but on dry grass, as in, grass that isn't wet.
And you know, I wasn't about to wait two days for a little caramelized head of George Washington to pop out his little tightened sphincter. We weren't going to wait for the snow to melt and the grass to dry, or for the stars to align in a peaceful pooping arrangement. Our team was going to poop, right there, right in the middle of the non-grass, even if it meant that I get down on my knees, wrap my arms around his belly, and I'm embarrassed to even admit this, squeeze.
And all I can say is, I really hope that the grass dries soon.
You must have a dooce® Community account to leave a comment.
If you've already registered, login.
If this is your first time posting here, snag a free account.
FM Living
Tee said:
Did you just say "squeeze?"
Yeah...I thought so.
*shakes head*
12.12.02 - 03:25 PM / 1ME said:
Chuck seems to have the same problems Dooce had a while ago. At least you didn't need grass to squeeze one out. Mayhaps they make doggy laxatives?
12.12.02 - 03:31 PM / 2Naaman said:
Neighbor: Is she squeezing her dog?
Other Neighbor: Yeah, she's squeezing alright.
Neighbor: Yeah, that's what I thought.
Other Neighbor: Send her another "care package".
12.12.02 - 03:32 PM / 3Paul Gutman said:
my theory is that he's in the holiday spirit and he wants you to have special "presents" in the summer time...hence the grass only thing.
12.12.02 - 03:47 PM / 4heather said:
Poor Chuck. But aren't all animals neurotic in their own ways?
12.12.02 - 03:54 PM / 5LonelyGirl said:
I am so with you, Dooce. My dog developed this "only dry grass" syndrome herself. I live in New York, but we're from Napa Valley and the first winter I was tempted to "squeeze" several times myself. Sticking to a strict schedule of feeding, walking and use of "command" words solved our teams problem. Good Luck to you both!
12.12.02 - 04:05 PM / 6April said:
Too bad Chuck's name isn't Charmin.
12.12.02 - 04:13 PM / 7Ex-liontamer said:
Silly Dooce! Just stop feeding the darling little bastard and your poop dilemma is solved.
12.12.02 - 04:23 PM / 8Edsmonkey said:
OUr cross country trip was very simliar in one of our dawgs (the prissy bitch) refused to go for 3 days!
Once we got into C Springs and to our temp apartment she ran for the border (of flowers) and took the worlds longest pee then proceeded to empty the contents of both upper and lower gi tracts as well as part of her cerebrum. Unfortunately the dumb baby doesn't squat in one spot but hops all over the place which means I hafta go on the poop treasure hunt tracking down her trail of turds.
12.12.02 - 04:40 PM / 9indigo boy said:
Call me a dooce virgin again and you'll be wearing a nice fucking scarification tattoo. First time visitor. Crown yourself with a laurel wreath dooce. Just spent a jolly hour cruising your postings. And then it dawned on me: despite all the lost years spent in myriad interesting locales, I've never even come close to witnessing a scene that entails canine jism missle-ing in a heios arc through the open air of my neighborhood. Not even. Do you suppose Chuck wondered, "Why doesn't testicle boy ever call?" And did scruffy still respect both of you in the morning? You have all the fun. Well I did get drunk once in Flint, Michigan and threw up up in the middle of the intersection of Dort and Saginaw roads. Tried to pass my shoesoles through my nostrils from the inside out. Memorable, but hardly the hyperion of life events. And even after living for the last nine years in LA, I've never once seen a bonifide movie star in public. Well, there was that fleeting glimpse of Diane Keaton at the Rose Bowl swap meet, but that doesn't really count; someone else saw her first and had to point her out to me. Anyway. A fine afternoon it's been. Domo arigato. I'll smile out loud every time I hear that Beach Boys song, or Manfred Mann for that matter. Just be aware, you made me miss a deadline. If you do that again, I'll busta cap on your hard drive. Creative kudos.
12.12.02 - 05:30 PM / 10indigo boy said:
woooops. that's helios.
12.12.02 - 05:33 PM / 11The Deuce said:
um, does anyone else besides me think that dooce should have her reality tv show not she's based in utah? even chuck's crap is better than most of the...er...other crap on tv.
12.12.02 - 05:33 PM / 12indigo boy said:
bonuhfide? bonerfied? whatever. my spelling is worse than what you tried to squeeze out of Chuck's cheeks. oh well.
12.12.02 - 05:49 PM / 13The Mighty Jimbo said:
Do they sell Pet-amucil? Probably not. I have a better suggestion: Astroturf.
12.12.02 - 05:59 PM / 14Romi said:
my dog would only pee on piles on dried leaves.
12.12.02 - 06:01 PM / 15indigo boy said:
Doggie depends, anyone?
12.12.02 - 06:09 PM / 16Indigo Boy said:
Poochie Pampers, mebbe?
12.12.02 - 06:25 PM / 17aj said:
In all seriousness, when we got a puppy the breeder suggested sticking an (unlit) matchstick "up there" to make him go before long car trips, etc. I remember trying it once... don't remember if it actually worked, though. Was too traumatized about violating the dog.
12.12.02 - 06:51 PM / 18dooce said:
indigo boy: usual consecutive comment allotment: 3.
12.12.02 - 06:54 PM / 19Indigo boy said:
duly noted. thanks.
12.12.02 - 07:01 PM / 20BadaBing said:
Jeez, why'd ya ever marry Chuck in the first place?
12.12.02 - 07:10 PM / 21Sammas said:
Wouldn't it be funny if humans had the same problem? No? Okay, I guess not.
12.12.02 - 07:20 PM / 22dennis said:
I used to work with a guy who had serious problems using any washroom outside of his apartment. Only in the most absolute emergencies would he consider using a washroom at, say, a friend's place. Public washrooms were out of the question completely. Never asked him about dry grass...
12.12.02 - 07:42 PM / 23Shanni said:
Wow - I was going to tell you about the unlit match trick but AJ beat me to it! I know some blind people who need their guide dogs to poop before "working" so they use that and supposedly it works. My Beagle, Desmond, went through a phase for about two weeks where he would ONLY poop at the dog park. So he would hold it and hold and when we finally got to the dog park he would poop three times. Like these big, huge horse looking poops. Dogs are weird.
12.12.02 - 08:22 PM / 24ryan said:
ahhh! Hmm somehow I imagine you getting the hairdryer out and using it on the grass!
12.13.02 - 01:11 AM / 25Igor said:
Buy : double-walled glass container, big enough to fit 1 canine of the approximate size of the abovementioned Chuckles times 2.
Do: insert said canine in inner glass tube and seal container;
reduce airpressure to vacuum in outer glass shell (needs to be larger than volume of inner shell);
execute explosive decompression of the inner shell. Air will rush out. Canine will burp at front end, release poop at rear end.
Proceed to clean inner shell.
Reset system for future use.
12.13.02 - 01:21 AM / 26niurope said:
i'm so glad i don't have any pets.
12.13.02 - 03:29 AM / 27daisy said:
That is just too much love!
12.13.02 - 03:43 AM / 28Heather #2 said:
OK, so I'm trying to picture this. Where, exactly, was your head during the actual squeeze??? Did you have to, like, straddle him and face forward? Or did you have your entire facial region down near the little Chuckie pooping portal?
12.13.02 - 04:56 AM / 29Funtime Ben said:
Igor, I am both appalled and impressed. Inner glass shell complete, now putting final touches on outer.
Any recommendations for holiday gatherings with family?
12.13.02 - 05:02 AM / 30