Yesterday my family gathered at my mother's house for dinner. Inevitably the topic of bowel movements came up as we sat around the table eating potato salad and ham, a tendency with these people that has caused Jon to refer to them affectionately as The Fecal Family Players.

Aunt Lola suddenly blurted out, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this. Listen here." We all responded by setting down our forks and making sure nothing was in our mouths on which to gag.

"You 'member the other day when I done left here in a hurry? I got back to mah trailer and mah neighbor was mowin' mah yard. I mean, I barely made it home, and thar he was a talkin' to me and I couldn't wait no longer so I told 'eem, 'Sorry but if I don't go inside now I'm a gonna shit mahself right here in mah pants.'"

She continued, "He done looked at me like I was crazy and he couldn't stop laughin'. I mean, hadn't he ever heard someone say that before?"

Hard to believe he hadn't heard that before, we assured her, but Jon clarified, "At least, certainly not in that accent, Lola."