Indisputable
Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the feeling of wanting to tell Leta how remarkably stunning she is. Every parent I know feels this way about their kids, that their children are undeniably beautiful, but I'm often told that I shouldn't use such quantifiers because she will grow up thinking that her sense of self is directly tied to her beauty, that if I keep commenting on her looks she will learn to think that beauty is more important than it actually is. But when I comb her hair into pigtails and the ends curl in perfect circles under her chin, it is hard to hold back the truth, that she takes my breath away.
Jon likes to tell Leta that she is smart. And she is, she can count to ten in Spanish and put together a 30-piece puzzle. But is this any better than telling her that she is beautiful? Smart is not a neutral quantifier either, and when I was an awkward teenager with crooked teeth and a padded bra I worried just as much about how smart I was as I did over whether or not I would ever have a good hair day.
I'm not so sure it's a bad thing that we tell her that she is beautiful or smart, as long as she knows we love her despite those things. They have no bearing on how much we love her. The bigger challenge is making her feel and understand something that has taken me a lifetime to learn, something I would have rather heard than any comment on my looks or intelligence. I want her to know that she will always be good enough.
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cagey said:
Well put. I have written a little myself about this "beautiful" topic because I get SO MANY comments on my son from perfect strangers. It's awkward for me because I was so NOT that "cute little girl" in pigtails.
I guess the ultimate question concerns how to best raise a child with a healthy self-esteem while taming the raging inner ego that lurks in all children before society (AKA junior high school) beats it down.
Sigh.
05.24.06 - 08:22 AM / 1carrisa said:
Beautiful post. Beautiful daughter. I think you should always tell her that. And that she's smart. And that babies from outer space. You know... the important stuff.
05.23.06 - 09:48 AM / 2BigA said:
I don't know how she couldn't. You give her the gift of writing about her all the time and the love shows through everytime.
05.23.06 - 09:48 AM / 3Urs said:
there is nothing wrong in telling your child that he/she is beautiful. once in a while it wouldn't hurt. i think it would be awful for you NOT to tell her.
05.23.06 - 09:49 AM / 4trublu76 said:
It's not a bad thing at all. You're not telling her she is beautiful and because of her beauty she can have anything she wants, she doesn't have to be everything she can be, and that she shouldn't be smart or funny.
You're telling her she is beautiful, which is one of the many qualities that makes her who she is. Boosting her self esteem is wonderful. Do it as much as you want, tell her she's beautiful, she's brilliant, she's funny, she's talented... and tell her often.
05.23.06 - 09:50 AM / 5carrisa said:
babies come* from outer space... i'm sure you got what i meant
05.23.06 - 09:51 AM / 6blurb said:
It should be clear that she gets both the beauty and the brains from her mother.
Beautiful post, Heather. Beautiful.
05.23.06 - 09:51 AM / 7rivetergirl said:
I just got back from my daughter's kindergarten graduation. She was singled out because she can read at a level 20 (when most kindergarteners read at a level 2). She won numerous academic awards.
She was also the only student to be picked to sing a solo part in one of their songs. She started beautifully then got nervous and started to cry.
Afterward she told me that she was disppointed in herself because she cried during the song.
But yet when a friend told her that she was the smartest kid in the class, I quanitified it and stressed that she not be measured by other kids but by her own accomplishments on their own.
She's amazing in so many ways, I'm humbled by her.
05.23.06 - 09:52 AM / 8Linds said:
Heather, the fact that you even worry about or consider this proves what a good mother you are! You do have a beautiful daughter, and there is nothing wrong with telling her that.
05.23.06 - 09:53 AM / 9becky said:
Every post, every photo, they ooze love and goodness.
05.23.06 - 09:54 AM / 10gypsy said:
This is precisely right, and it is what parents miss, tragically, 90 percent of the time.
Self esteem is fine -- but it needs to be something that reflects personal confident, not entitlement. Help your kid to learn to EARN self esteem. THat's for HER. As far as you're concerned, her knowlege that she is always good enough and that YOU think she's beautiful, smart, all you could ask for, is exactly right.
Prisons are full of people with high self esteem. This is because they believe they deserve, by virtue of WHO THEY ARE (for whatever reason) to do, take, or say whatever they want. THis is the dangerous kind of self esteem -- the kind that is behind brats, or worse, criminals.
05.23.06 - 09:54 AM / 11KillCreek said:
Love it, Dooce! I struggle with this one too, as I find myself telling my daughter how pretty she is all the time!
I think above all else, you are right, the most important thing is that she knows her parents love her no matter what. And adding all of the compliments on top can't hurt, in my opinion. :) She is a very beautiful girl!
05.23.06 - 09:54 AM / 12Billygean.co.uk said:
I have always thought that. They are both genetic after all, and you can work to change both of them equally well. It is also about what you strive to be, I think, not, for example, how selfless you are by nature, but how selfless you desire to be; teach that one is loved despite natural qualities, and is loved for qualities gained.
Sigh, it has been an emotional blogging week!
Billygean
05.23.06 - 09:56 AM / 13Kacey said:
Well said Dooce. Pride in your children is a wonderful thing, and there is no doubt you are the proudest mama you can be.
05.23.06 - 09:56 AM / 14Ms. Huis Herself said:
Ah, if I wouldn't have had to create an account so I could delurk, I might have been first... Anyway, thanks for sharing your trials, tribulations & fun with us all. Your Leta (who is about 6 months older than my Pumpkin)is a joy to hear about. While you can and should tell her she's smart & beautiful & all, it's also important to recognize what she DOES. I mean, you can't really control what you start with genetically, but you can work hard, be kind, make jokes, etc. Recognizing her positive choices (ok, maybe she'll "get it" more when she's older! *grin*), encourages her to continue to do them.
There's my $0.02 anyway! (And BTW, Dooce, you write entertaining & often insightful entries!)
05.23.06 - 09:55 AM / 15Michelle~in~Memphis....ugh said:
I think it is wonderful to give your child complements from your heart. The more confidence she has at home, the more she will have out in the world.
05.23.06 - 09:55 AM / 16Julie said:
Heather, this was beautiful. I'm sure that Leta will always know that because you and Jon are her parents. But cheers to you for figuring out so early on something that some parents never get.
And I'm with you - telling Leta that she is pretty and smart are never bad things. Because she is both. :)
05.23.06 - 09:57 AM / 17k8 said:
absolutely. tell her she's beautiful and tell her she's smart. and tell her that even though those things are true that what's most important is that she tries. then her beauty and her brains will combine with her effort to make her unstoppable.
05.23.06 - 09:57 AM / 18Ramona said:
If/when Leta reads these entries, she'll know that you think the world of her, stunning looks and all.
05.23.06 - 09:59 AM / 19milkmaid said:
A well rounded kiddo NEEDS to hear both...and of course all the other good stuff in life.
A great post...as usual.
05.23.06 - 09:59 AM / 20kalisah said:
amen, Sister Sledge. I wish someone just once tried to make me feel "good enough." I think it's the single most important thing that I'm teaching my son.
05.23.06 - 10:03 AM / 21anna nic said:
there's nothing wrong with telling her she's beautiful or smart as long as it's not way too over the top.
As for our family, we say my son's cute all of the time, but we concentrate more on real interaction and encouragement with him. Lots of "good job", "great effort", etc.
I guess if you feel weird about telling her SHE's beautiful all of the time, you could say THAT's beautiful. As in, aren't the ponytails beautiful and doesn't your sweater look great, accentuating things involved with her and not her specifically all of the time.
05.23.06 - 10:04 AM / 22Stellabella said:
I don't have a kid, but I do have a kickass dog, and this is what I tell her: "Mabel, you are so pretty and nobody catches a ball like you do, and you're good at math. But most important, you're not stuck up." Feel free to use that whenever you'd like.
05.23.06 - 10:05 AM / 23Erin said:
I tell my 7-week old daughter that she's a beautiful girl about every 5 minutes. And I find myself quickly adding, "And so smart, too!"
This was a great post. I can relate on so many levels.
05.23.06 - 10:06 AM / 24VinnyGirl said:
Beautiful can mean more than beauty itself. And besides she needs to know she is beautiful. I know I still love (and probably need) to hear it.
Great post. It's nice to know there are mothers out there that think like you do.
05.23.06 - 10:09 AM / 25Pixie said:
You are an amazing mother.
05.23.06 - 10:09 AM / 26ProudMary said:
I can think of no better thing than a little girl growing up to believe that she is smart and beautiful.
05.23.06 - 10:09 AM / 27jes said:
Heather, THANK YOU FOR THAT LAST SENTENCE. Because I think that is the most important part, that Leta will ALWAYS be good enough. That is something that I still struggle with, and I am nearly 28.
There are so many things that you teach Leta that I wish my parents would have taught me.
05.23.06 - 10:09 AM / 28crumb said:
My family told me I was smart, beautiful, and loved, and it got me through some crap years growing up and even in my adulthood. Self-worth is an important gift you have the power to give her. Keep it up!
05.23.06 - 10:09 AM / 29Jenski said:
I think telling girls TOO often that they are cute/pretty/beautiful can be dangerous. I know this because I've read lots of books about the subject-how girls become obsessed or preoccupied with their appearance because their appearance is what gets them so much attention. Haven't we all heard stories about models or acctresses who are gorgeous but feel ugly? It's because if you learn that your value is associated with your appearance, your self worth is too caught up in things you have little control over-external factors. Yes, of course you can balance out your comments with ones that praise her intelligence, behavior, work that she has done-but be careful. Let her know that she is beautiful to you but don't overemphasize it. Give her attention for what she does (and doesn't do), not so much for what she looks like.
05.23.06 - 10:11 AM / 30