It’s not even August and already we are armed

Weathering a heat wave with the help of my family and that which turns Marlo into a Golden Retriever.

“It Gets Better” at BYU

Since I am an alumnus of this school and one of the many reasons I left the Mormon Church was its doctrine around and treatment of homosexuality, I find this totally unexpected. I’m stunned, to tell you the truth. And I want to give a standing ovation to each person who participated in this, because [...]

“A Blue Marlin in a sea of tuna,” you can’t make this stuff up

Recently I have been receiving many, many emails about this. Take it in. It’s real (in the sense that it’s a real publicity stunt for the company he works for and that he’s 31 years old and still single, scandalous!). In fact, here’s the billboard along I-15 in Utah County. Beth happened to be driving [...]

A Day in the Life of BYU College Student George Boone

(Editor’s notes will be seen in italics) Is it weird then when I came home from college for my Brother’s reception that there is more food at my apartment in Provo then there is here? I mean there is a surplus of wedding cake, but one can only eat so much. Also, why is there [...]

This is the post that they will read at the judgment bar of God to prove that I belong in Hell

Yesterday I found out that a young and impressionable cousin of mine is reading this website (Hi, George!). I found out because he sent me an email that began, “Dearest cousin Heather, I must say I thoroughly enjoy your website,” and ended with three attached photos of his new cat, Ass Face. While I consider [...]

If They Only Knew . . .

What a badass motherfucker they were unleashing on an unsuspecting world. You gotta love unpacking old boxes full of pictures you thought you’d burned years ago, only to find gems like this one which, if I ever ran for office, could be used against me to prove what a poseur I really am. I wore [...]

Zombie College

While rummaging through our storage unit last night looking for some paperwork, I stumbled across this gem sitting in a box of files: The photo was taken the first day I was on BYU campus, late August 1993. I’d always hated having my picture taken, but that day I had on my special grumpies for [...]

Lesson

Sometimes I drive aggressively. Most of the time, in fact. Like this morning on the way to work, you could say that I drove aggressively, perhaps even dangerously. But I would never put anyone in any real danger, no. I may harbor an abiding hate for pedestrians and drivers who hug their steering wheels, but [...]

Evolution of the Mormon Cusser

When I was eight years old and lanky with huge square teeth I used to spend hours at a neighbor’s house indulging in every contraband known to a child reared in a Mormon household: MTV, Nintendo, re-runs of “Three’s Company,” and endless experiments with flammable bodily excretions, to name just a few. The first time [...]

Memoirs of a Recovering Mormon

I have wasted the last several hours of my life reading my journals from my freshman and sophomore years at BYU. I don’t think any other activity could be quite as depressing, except perhaps actually attending BYU. The following are selected excerpts from the sophomore year journal. Accounts of my freshman year are just too [...]