Your momma said you ugly

So I guess it was maybe a year ago when I was sitting in Heather Champ’s living room in San Francisco, holding her Chihuahua Chieka, and talking about how people sometimes send me hate mail because they look at a picture of Chuck and think his nails are too long. She was all, SHUT UP [...]

The greatest email in the history of the Internet

The following email arrived anonymously in my inbox a couple of days after I posted about my recent Maytag saga. It is a literary masterpiece, one filled with a bit of questionable language (BEWARE! meaning, Dad, you’re not going to want to read this one), and I could not in good conscience keep this to [...]

Job opening

Tuesday morning we drove down to the local CBS affiliate to give an interview about my book to the news during the noon hour, and when we walked into the studios we immediately recognized the smell of Mormon Church. This is not uncommon in Utah, for certain buildings to smell of wooden pews, starch, and [...]

Abbreviated exclamation point

I would normally wait until I had enough hatemail to write a longer post, but the one I got this morning is just too good to keep to myself. From a reader who skipped class the day they talked about punctuation: youre no one but a slut who loves to fuck her husband and get [...]

Exclamation point, long overdue edition

To set the tone for this installment I think it’s safe to assume that each one of these pieces of mail was written late at night a few minutes after the author had taken a shit in his adult diaper, and after he hit the SEND button he went merrily back to picking the lint [...]

Exclamation Point, Summer 2007 Edition

It’s been several months since the last installment of hatemail, and now I’m starting to get hatemail about not posting enough hatemail. I would have posted some sooner, but recent hatemail hasn’t been very clever or passionate, and I didn’t have a lot to work with. A lot of it was about how they didn’t [...]

Exclamation point, Late Winter Edition

I was all set to sit down and write a lengthy treatise on the sinusitis that has paralyzed the entire right side of my face, and maybe draw a picture for you of the x-ray that showed how my maxillary sinus is filled to overflowing with goo. My doctor acted giddy when he saw the [...]

A selection of recent spam

Just now I got a spam with a subject that made it look like it was going to be filled with fake stock tips, and as I was marking it as junk I noticed that inside it said this: Hurry! Act now to secure your weblog toast! Did you know about this? Because I had [...]

Exclamation point, Summer Edition

A couple days ago I got this very funny email from a reader, Laureen: I’m not one for commenting on posts but I just had to ask. . .how is it that the husband of the daughter of the Avon World Sales Leader may have the West Nile Virus? Don’t you have enough Skin So [...]

As evidenced by video!!

It is common practice in our house to let Chuck lick our food plates once we are finished with our meals. He likes to pretend that he doesn’t notice that I’m preparing dinner, will come up next to my legs and slowly press his body into my shins while I’m standing at the stove as [...]