An ode to Linda

So my mom calls yesterday, and immediately I set a timer to see if maybe this time we can set a record. Because my mother does not like to talk on the phone, and on average has said goodbye within twenty seconds. That is not an exaggeration. Twenty seconds. A phone call with my mother [...]

A phone call from my mother in three, two, one…

Sunday night we had dinner with my mother and step-father, my sister and all of her family. It was the first time we have all gathered in one place since the election, and so I showed up dressed head-to-toe in body armor, prepared for the worst. And when your family is Southern you want to [...]

No, I wasn’t punched in the face, this is just what happens when I weep

The past three days have been a whirlwind of chaos, and this is honestly the first moment I’ve had since Monday to sit down and catch my breath. I had planned to sit down and write about this funny thing that happened at the grocery store the other night, but right now I’m just too [...]

Did this week just really happen?

Jon and I got home last night at about midnight after an endless day of navigating the avenues and streets of New York City. There has been quite an uproar over what happened (and didn’t happen) during my “Today” show segment, and I have a few things to say about it including some behind the [...]

Agreeing to disagree

Yesterday we had an Easter lunch with my mother and brother’s family, and while my mother and I were cleaning the kitchen I reached over and turned off the faucet she had running for no reason. “You always do this,” I said referring to how she always turns on the water and walks away. “You’re [...]

In preservation of the inheritance

The phone rings, and when I answer it I hear my father’s gloomy voice on the other end. “Feather,” he says. “This is your dad.” “Hey, Dad.” I say. “How are you?” “I’m okay. Listen, I need to talk to you. Do you have a second?” I’ve been lying horizontally on the couch, but when [...]

I wish I knew then what I know now

While having dinner at my mother’s house on Saturday night I got to catch up with my sister’s two oldest children. Her oldest, Mariah, is almost 15 and sometimes I think she was sent to the wrong person because in every way she should be my kid. We have the same build, the same mop [...]

A can of worms

Lately the most frequently asked question sent to me in email (other than 1) what kind of dog is Chuck? SuperMutt, and 2) how do you pronounce Leta? Rhymes with pita) is: what is your take on “Big Love,” the new HBO series about a polygamist who lives in Utah? I have been reluctant to [...]

In a family way

It’s been a busy couple of weeks for my side of the family starting when my cousin (and DORJ!’s brother), Robert, and his wife gave birth to their first child, Maci. DORJ! is one of three sons, and the birth of this granddaughter has turned my Uncle Danny, Curdled Turd Bump of Incomprehensible Stink, into [...]

Fun times with the Fecal Family Players

We’re spending a few days at my mother’s cabin in rural Utah with portions of my extended family including my Granny Boone: That’s a hickey under her left eye. Turns out SHE’S STILL GOT IT. Granny is very religious and often speaks directly to God. It’s true. Granny is so religious that she is incapable [...]