For obsessively smearing Baby Orajel in my mouth ALL DAY LONG to get that yummy numby gummy feeling. It’s like cocaine, only legal and safe for babies!
For accidentally feeding the dog a piece of my pizza when Jon wasn’t around to interfere with said transgression. Okay, since we’re being totally honest here, I fed the dog a WHOLE piece of pizza. On purpose.
For finding a Cheerio in my bra and then going ahead and eating it.
For putting a pair of pants on my kid’s head and pretending she was a Native American Chief. What else are we going to do in the afternoon?
For abusively and obnoxiously wrapping pasta around my dog’s snout and posting pictures of it on my website.
For causing the baby to smell like my saliva because I CAN’T STOP SUCKING ON HER FACE.
For sneaking sips of the Children’s Motrin. It tastes like Sunkist!
For being completely and utterly OBSESSED with sticking my finger up my child’s nose.
For blaming my farts on the baby. You knew this was bound to happen.
For fulfilling my father’s worst nightmare by growing up and becoming a Democrat.