Feeling Guilty

For putting my baby’s diaper on backwards in the middle of the night and being too tired to fix it.

Feeling Guilty

For forcing my daughter to watch CSPAN.

Feeling Guilty

For pretending that my breast pad was a yarmulke and that my dog was Jewish.

Feeling Guilty

For eating asparagus just to see what it would do to my baby’s diapers. Well I certainly found out!

Feeling Guilty

For continuing to gobble up my baby’s chubby neck when the screaming and the flailing of the arms indicates that she no longer enjoys the gobbling up of the chubby neck.

Feeling Guilty

For dropping a bagel — cream cheese side down — on my baby’s head as she lay there attached to my breast.

Feeling Guilty

For having any idea about what is going on in the lives of the characters on “Days of Our Lives.”

Feeling Guilty

For farting in front of my OBGYN.

Feeling Guilty

For being scared shitless of Howard Dean’s upper lip.

Feeling Guilty

For wanting to bathe in bacon grease.