For responding, “What baby?” when that woman looked at my tummy and asked when the baby was due, and secretly relishing her mortified stupor as she apologized and tried to disappear.
For the level of panic I experienced when I thought for a few seconds that the TiVo hadn’t recorded last week’s episode of “Temptation Island.”
For blaming Little Debbie for my 10 pounds in 4 weeks weight gain, that fucking bitch.
For taking the Miss Teen USA pageant so seriously.
For wrapping spaghetti around my dog’s snout just so that I can watch him try to get it off by wrinkling up his nose and baring his gums. It’s hours of entertainment.
For doing a Google search on “fat Christina Aguilera” and posting a link to this site. I am a terrible, terrible person.
For being only 14 weeks into this pregnancy and already being able to out-eat my 6’3” tall husband by about 4,000 calories per day.
For referring to the baby in my womb as my “deliverable.”
For eating that much sauerkraut and then expecting my husband to sleep in the same bed as me.
For verbally abusing the Nacho Cheeze Doritos, when secretly and passionately I love the Nacho Cheese Doritos.