Holiday for the Kids, 2014

If anyone gifts my 5-yr-old an object that makes or plays music, I will personally see to it that Santa takes a giant shit in their stocking.

Holiday for Him, 2014

This should also include a DVD of hundreds of episodes of “Scooby-Doo” in case he gets sick and needs you to help him sip Gatorade.

Holiday for Her, 2014

My child is at school which means she is not attached to my body which means I can take a moment to entertain myself.

Gifts with a bit of loving touch

Gifts with a little more warmth than anything plastic or sporting a screen.

For your dad

A roundup of ideas for the father who probably isn’t 73 years old and would rather write a letter in his own blood than spend $45 on a pen.

For your mum

If anything just call her up and say, “I’m so sorry for everything.” She’ll know immediately who it is.

For your man

I know he’s begging for another cat, but you are the voice of reason in his life. None of these things require a litter box.

For your lady

Stun her with a bracelet or a monogramed jewelry box or a purse or, you know, let her cry without asking if she’s taken her medication or if she’s on her period.

For the kids

I suddenly looked up and, oh. Christmas is next week. Next week. Or, as Leta puts it, THE FARTHEST AWAY ANYTHING HAS EVER BEEN!

Father’s Day, budget and splurge

Options for children of both the Silas Marners and Robert Crawleys of the world.