Tell me that while you were doing that very stupid thing you were “sort of unaware because it wasn’t a conscient decision.” Were you at all conscient during the four years that you attended college?
Keep referring to my dog as Truck because you can’t remember his name.
Ask me to smell your finger. I don’t think I need to expound on this one.
Defile the sacred and holy Oreo by eating it all at once, you insensitive, uncivilized cad. You must first remove one of the crunchy chocolate sides by slowly twisting the cookie in half. Then you lick the virgin white filling until it has been completely removed using your teeth only when necessary and even then [...]
Destroy the pile of clothing that I have just folded, ripping and jerking and TOSSING SOCKS ACROSS THE ROOM with such exasperation you’d think that you had ANYTHING to be exasperated about. I’m folding YOUR goddamn socks. BOW BEFORE ME.
Discover and proceed to explore your private parts while I’m trying to change your poopy diaper. Just stop. Oh, and also, play tug of war with the wash cloth I’m using to wash your tummy. Let go. RELENT.
Make the offhanded comment, “Well, there’s a reason the species has made it this far. Motherhood is just not that hard or we would have died out long ago.” No, the reason the species has made it this far is because in pre-historic times there were a lot of cliffs that mothers could fling themselves [...]
Keep trying to get the shape out of the box by sticking your hand through the side of the box where the shape goes in therefore making it impossible to get the shape out because it’s not big enough FOR BOTH YOUR HAND AND THE SHAPE, and then just stare at me and scream when [...]
She used to grit her gums, BUT NOW SHE HAS TEETH. SHE’S GRITTING HER TEETH. ALL THREE OF THEM. GRIT. GRIT. GRIT. There could not possibly be a more horrifying noise anywhere in the universe. MY GOD, THE PAIN.
Whole. Raisins. In the poop. Raisins she ate only two hours ago. WHOLE. UNDIGESTED. RAISINS. PRECIOUS. SENSIBILITIES. OFFICIALLY. OFFENDED.