How to Annoy Me

Sneeze and spew 40 Cheerios out of your mouth across the room. One at a time, baby. ONE. AT. A. TIME.

How to Annoy Me

Demonstrate the absorbency of a tampon by showing someone using it to plug up a leak in a boat in the middle of a lake. That really makes me want to stick that in my vagina.

How to Annoy Me

Let words come out of Bob Costas’ mouth. The world should just end. Right now.

How to Annoy Me

Forget to phrase an answer on “Jeopardy!” in the form of a question.

How to Annoy Me

Forget to tell me that you have turned the toaster to level BURN THE SHIT OUT OF IT, and then when I go to toast a pop tart I burn down the neighborhood.

How to Annoy Me

Think that the sound of the laptop clicking shut means that it’s time to go for a walk, when all it means is that I’ve closed the laptop. CHILL OUT, DOG.

How to Annoy Me

Say that you and your fiancé are going to get a “prenumptial” agreement.

How to Annoy Me

Refer to the thing hanging on your wall as an “art painting.”

How to Annoy Me

Give my child a toy that makes noise. May you contract a flesh eating disease and have your guts devoured by locusts. LOUD locusts.

How to Annoy Me

Read a book loudly. Do you hear how loud those pages are?