Sneeze and spew 40 Cheerios out of your mouth across the room. One at a time, baby. ONE. AT. A. TIME.
Demonstrate the absorbency of a tampon by showing someone using it to plug up a leak in a boat in the middle of a lake. That really makes me want to stick that in my vagina.
Let words come out of Bob Costas’ mouth. The world should just end. Right now.
Forget to phrase an answer on “Jeopardy!” in the form of a question.
Forget to tell me that you have turned the toaster to level BURN THE SHIT OUT OF IT, and then when I go to toast a pop tart I burn down the neighborhood.
Think that the sound of the laptop clicking shut means that it’s time to go for a walk, when all it means is that I’ve closed the laptop. CHILL OUT, DOG.
Say that you and your fiancé are going to get a “prenumptial” agreement.
Refer to the thing hanging on your wall as an “art painting.”
Give my child a toy that makes noise. May you contract a flesh eating disease and have your guts devoured by locusts. LOUD locusts.
Read a book loudly. Do you hear how loud those pages are?