How to Charm Me

Make the argument that although you’re somewhat embarrassed that your child now picks her nose in front of other people with an uncomfortable flagrance, you would rather that she eat the booger than walk over and wipe it on your pants. That is exactly the type of parenting they should teach in classes.

How to Charm the Holy Living Jesus out of Me

Take 10 steps all by yourself and then refrain from freaking out when both your father and I lose our shit. October 11, 2005: Leta takes her first unassisted steps.

How to Charm (the web designer in) Me

Point to a corporate website that has 15 flashing boxes of information on the homepage and yell, “DO YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS A CEO GONE MAD.”

How to Charm Me

Tell my father over the phone, “I guess the difference now is that not only do I like my boss but I also get to sleep with her.”

How to Charm Me

When I walk into the bathroom to straighten out my hair look up and say, “I know I’m shitting, but I still think you’re beautiful.”

How to Charm Me

Crawl all over the living room like a raccoon foraging through trash, and when the dog gets in your way just reach up, poke him in the butthole, and exclaim, “Wowee!”

How to Charm Me

Refer to my website as the new blob you just checked out. I’d be hard pressed to find a more accurate description.

How to Charm Me

Leave a message on our voice mail that says, “If you are watching this Britney stuff, she looks Charlize Theron in the “MAAAAAAHHHHNNNNSSSSTERRRRRRR!”

How to Charm Me

Catch me going 64 mph in a 40 mph zone where there was also CONSTRUCTION going on (fines double in construction zones!), and then when you ask for my proof of insurance and I tell you that, oops, I forgot to put it into the car, waive the $400 fee and possibility of TOWING THE [...]

How to Charm Me into a Gobsmacked Sober Stupor

HOLY. SHIT. Thank you to anyone and everyone who voted for me in the 2005 Bloggies. I am completely surprised and delighted and astounded and trying to overcome my disbelief at winning those categories especially considering the company I was in. I ususally try to ignore these competitions if only because I don’t do this [...]