How to Charm Me

Fart in the tub and then look at us like That wasn’t me, that was the OTHER baby in this tub.

How to Charm Me

Pronounce “haute couture” as “hoe coo toe” because you just don’t know any better.

How to Charm Me

Forgive me for only now removing my ex-boyfriend’s name off the title of the car you drive to work everyday to support this family. You are a fucking saint.

How to Charm Me

Send me an email in which you mean to refer to me as a blogger, but instead refer to me as a booger.

How to Charm Me

Love me even though I wake up in the morning looking like a chubby eight year old boy who cried himself to sleep.

How to Charm Me

Come out of a funeral home bathroom and say, “This place belongs on your website.”

How to Charm Me

Have a dream about my belly being covered entirely by a tattoo of a “17th century painting of an English farm with some animals in the yard and a great barley field around it.” That’s the BEST dream about my belly EVER, and I don’t even know you.

How to Charm Me

Tell me to recompile my kernel. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like a lot of fun.

How to Charm Me

Love me despite the fact that you can’t tell whether that was me burping or the sound of a three-ton snow plow driving by our house.

How to Charm Me

Promise to put away your butt crack when the neighbors show up.