Earnest blogging

Don’t blame me for all this light-hearted humming I’m doing. Blame Brené Brown. It’s all her fault and she needs to come clean.

A can of worms

Lately the most frequently asked question sent to me in email (other than 1) what kind of dog is Chuck? SuperMutt, and 2) how do you pronounce Leta? Rhymes with pita) is: what is your take on “Big Love,” the new HBO series about a polygamist who lives in Utah? I have been reluctant to [...]

A List of Things I Need to Get Done That Probably Won’t Get Done Because I’m a Stressed Out and Overwhelmed Mess of a Flake

1. Clean out the basement of all our collected and useless detritus so that when Heather and Maggie come to visit they don’t flee in horror at being unknowingly lured onto the set of “Sanford and Son.” 2. Pluck my eyebrows, they are scaring the children. 3. Thank Kahli for the “Bite Me” t-shirt she [...]

Thinking

What the hell am I doing? What is that smell? How did that get on her face? Am I losing my mind? Why are there cheddar cheese goldfish in my panties? What the HELL am I doing? Oh my god, you didn’t just put that in your mouth, did you? What would it be like [...]

A Day in the Life of BYU College Student George Boone

(Editor’s notes will be seen in italics) Is it weird then when I came home from college for my Brother’s reception that there is more food at my apartment in Provo then there is here? I mean there is a surplus of wedding cake, but one can only eat so much. Also, why is there [...]

This is the post that they will read at the judgment bar of God to prove that I belong in Hell

Yesterday I found out that a young and impressionable cousin of mine is reading this website (Hi, George!). I found out because he sent me an email that began, “Dearest cousin Heather, I must say I thoroughly enjoy your website,” and ended with three attached photos of his new cat, Ass Face. While I consider [...]

Obligatory Reflections on The Year of The Belly

Best Day of 2003: Wednesday, May 28, the day we found out I was pregnant. We’d bought a pregnancy test and were holding on to it, trying to wait long enough to use it after my missed period to ensure an accurate reading. And we were going to try and wait seven days, but about [...]

Statistics

Number of pregnant, stress pimples that have sprouted on my forehead since Friday night: 4 Description of alien being trying to escape those pregnant, stress pimples: green, scaly, with an amphibious disposition Number of 50W halogen spot lights we installed in the kitchen ceiling yesterday: 8 Number of lights after which I wanted to give [...]

Things in the Past Week That Have Brought Me to Uncontrollable, Blubbering Tears

The finely orchestrated piece of crap otherwise known as the finale to “Joe Millionaire.” The look on my dog’s face when I took away his bone last night. The delicate beauty of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. The moment we realized that the bed sheet we bought at Target was too small to fit the [...]

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume IV

Paradise to me is sitting on the front porch of the house I own, sipping a freshly brewed cup of coffee, and watching my dog go poop. Although there are probably many things you don’t necessarily want to hear your hair stylist say while he or she is in the act of styling your hair, [...]