Things I Don’t Remember

1. The tick my mother burned out of my ear when I was five years old. 2. Why I woke up that one time at Mandalay Bay when I was staying at the Hard Rock. 3. Every New Year’s Day for the past seven years. 4. The words to my High School alma mater. 5. [...]

A Necessary List of Things That Scare Me Shitless

opossums flying cockroaches denim couches acrylic nails gold lam� tornadoes Andy Rooney tabasco Arkansas black ice anything under the hood of a car exercise balls swamps TRL Ross Dress For Less short, stubby toes gigantic panties Code Red Mountain Dew eels wicker treadmills club soda prunes penciled eyebrows berets lizards glass elevators mushy peas baloons [...]

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume III

Sometimes when Jon opens a Snickers Bar and passes it to me I feel as naughty as if he were passing me a joint. There’s just no difference, except one makes me high, and the other one makes me paranoid. I used to like Led Zeppelin. Blondes have it better than septic tank poopy reds. [...]

Things that are, like, totally bothering me

Mormons who believe that driving over the speed limit will prevent them from achieving their eternal salvation. I’m certain that given an open road, God would totally haul ass. The Earthlink customer service representative handling my complaint who has apparently gone AWOL. He won’t return my phone calls or my emails, even the one in [...]

Things I Miss About Los Angeles

Andy Dick. Christmas shopping outside in flip-flops. Accurate forcasts that come not in blocks of 7 days but in blocks of 365. Being surrounded by people with actual pigmentation. Running stairs in Santa Monica with Tori Spelling’s boobs and that shirtless Moroccan body-builder who ate small children for breakfast. Happy hour every hour. Having my [...]

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume II

The only reason to pass up an entire all-access day pass at the Sundance Film Festival is the season premiere of “American Idol.” That my father and my step-father can hold a 30-min telephone conversation about cars and tools and those lovely blonde twins that make my sister’s life a daily three-ring circus, that they [...]

Careless Whispers

Aside from the fact that this is maddeningly brilliant (link via TMN), and I’ve played it probably a good four dozen times since I downloaded it yesterday, it has completely thrown me into a mid-eighties reverie wherein I cannot stop thinking of the following: 1. Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies, two at a time. Grape [...]

A Selection of Recent, Random and Wholly Unrelated Observations, Volume I

One should never participate in a spontaneous bikini wax. If one is taking regularly scheduled potty breaks, one is obviously not spending enough time looking for full-time employment and therefore will not qualify for an unemployment insurance extension. My dog looks smashing in styling gel and bobby pins. People should reconsider naming their children Kemper, [...]

Just a Few of the Very Important Things I Learned While Living in Los Angeles

- There are two types of orgasms: wasabi orgasms and warm French fry orgasms. While there may be several sub categories, like the Double Quarter Pounder with cheese Supersized� orgasm, they all fall under those two types. – White girls should wear sunscreen. (“White Girls Should Wear Sunscreen” is going to be the first single [...]

You Should Probably Not Post Any Comments to this Site if You are Any of the Following:

The sociopathic co-worker I dated at the end of 1999. Someone who insists on using the word “dawg” in reference to anyone in his “posse.” Someone who complains about the comments but insists on reading them anyway. My Granny. My hair-stylist. My god, the ammunition you have. Anyone who has cute, coifed eyebrows that came [...]