You Only Get Five

Ok. So. Jon and I were standing out in front of the apartment, waiting for the dog to go pee or something, something that the dog normally does outside the apartment. And while we were waiting we were sort of re-enacting a certain scene from “Moonlight Mile,” a movie we’d just seen the night before. [...]

Fessing Up

So I’m going to sit here and tell you what happened, and I’m not going to take it back, and I’m not going to hate myself in the morning. In fact, I’m tired of hating myself in the morning and making excuses. Why are we constantly making excuses anyway? Why do we feel like we [...]

$25,000 Pyramid

Poorly constructed parking garages Ikea “Meet The Parents” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” Home improvement projects, especially those involving toggle bolts Disneyland Hardware stores with narrow aisles Eminem The pharmacy at Sav-on on Wilshire The last 8 minutes of “Trading Spaces” Gwyneth Paltrow being asked to give her opinion on anything Gold lam�

Various Instances When Chuckles is Neither Representing Nor Keeping it Real

2:32 AM – crying like a little sissy dog when he should be asleep. 4:16 AM – forgetting that only an hour and a half earlier he was crying like a little sissy dog; crying like a little sissy dog again. 5:00 AM – thinking it’s time to play. 5:02 AM – trying to convince [...]

Just a Few of The Several Reasons Living In Los Angeles, California Totally Kicks Ass

1. An acute case of paranoia actually comes in quite handy. 2. There is at least one brand-named coffee shop within just .2 miles of any point in this city, and each and every employee behind the counter is good-looking enough to bone, not that you necessarily would, but you could. 3. Homeless people on [...]

Reasons Why This Past Week Might Just Have Sucked

1. I ate all the Cookie Crisp by 10am Sunday morning. That’s five whole days without Cookie Crisp. One, two, three, four, FIVE. 2. I woke up Monday morning with three pubescent pimples on my face: one on my right cheek, two on my left cheek. It wouldn’t have been so bad had my lover [...]

Termination Letter

Pursuant to the “at will” employment policy of Dooce.com, Inc. (the “Company”), we hereby terminate your employment effective immediately. Enclosed is your final paycheck for the period through and including the effective date of your termination, together with your accrued and unused vacation time, all in accordance with Company policy and applicable law. The reasons [...]

Tell it to Their Face for Christ’s Sake

A few things first: 1. I cannot possibly answer all of the email I have received in the last 24 hours in any timely fashion. Just know that I appreciate all of the kind words and wishes sent my way, some eloquent, some lovingly crude, some completely insane (I didn’t really need to see that [...]

A Few Ways You Might Not Want to Spend a Holiday Weekend

Carry out a successful hit and run: Back your friend’s Ford Explorer into a Jeep Wrangler that belongs to a large angry woman. She will jump out of the driver’s seat and threaten to kick your � hmm, let’s see, how would she put it � “skinny white ass.” Refuse to get out of the [...]

Reasons The Asian Database Administrator is So Fucking Annoying

1. Because he always assumes that when you say “The Asian Database Administrator” you’re talking about him. 2. Because he stares at your ear when you try to ask him why he didn’t run those scripts. 3. Because he didn’t run those scripts after you’d reminded him four different times, “You have to run those [...]