What I’m Pretty Sure The Roommate Learned While Sipping Cocktails With Four Women Last Evening

1. Women rarely sip cocktails. 2. Never poke fun at the clothes. 3. Women are compelled to kiss and tell, especially if the man has two lazy eyes, if you know what I’m saying. 4. That was a tangent. Keep up. 5. No woman will ever admit that she considers herself skinny, even when that [...]

I Resolve To in 2002: Things Brought to My Attention Whilst Visiting Utah

1. Eat more french fries. 2. Make a point of telling Aunt Lola at the dinner table that her shoulder pad has done come down over her titty, and not over her bosom, as the word “titty” is just so much more descriptive than the word “bosom.” 3. Ask Granny if she has gotten any [...]

Comments Heard In, Around, and Consequent to the Company Christmas Party Last Evening

“In honor of last night, Ruben ‘Pizza Slinging’ Sandoval is renaming his band ‘Super Human Puker’” “In case you didn’t get enough of my antics last night, please come see me and my band tonight and I promise I won’t steal the food from your plate and fling it at you.” “Ruben, put that down… [...]

A List of Lists I Need to Make And Three Possible Examples From Each List To Make a Point

1. Things I would like to do to Britney Spears: a) CENSORED b) CENSORED c) CENSORED 2. Things I shouldn’t say to my parents: a) Shit b) Vote Democrat c) Holy Be-Jesus Fuckballs 3. Things I shouldn’t eat when the threat of possible blotation could ruin a perfectly good outfit: a) Fresh broccoli b) Canned [...]

What I Do Not Want For Christmas

1. Socks. Please do not buy me or think about buying me any socks. No socks. I don’t need any socks. 2. Anything from Eddie Bauer. 3. Anything upholstered in denim. 4. Gold jewelry, especially of the chained necklace variety. Just go ahead and take it back right now. 5. A special message from beloved [...]

Why I Like December

Only seven more months until summer. Dooce also begins with a D. I don’t know anyone with a birthday in December, and so I can’t forget any of those birthdays. Those mittens without fingers. The bounteous multitude of green M&M’s. In the spirit of the season, my sister usually forgives me of my sins and [...]

Ten Reasons Being Sick is Worse Than Actually Going to Work

1. Phlegm. There’s no phlegm at work. 2. Recently installed digital cable isn’t working. 3. Next door neighbor has the new Enrique Iglesias album on repeat. Currently, we’re on round four. 4. The Roommate had to go to work and now there’s no one here to stroke my head and tell me that everything is [...]

Things I Plan to Cook With My Newly Obtained Kitchen Aid That I’m Not Sure How to Use

1. Betty Crocker Supreme cookie bar mix that I will pass off as homemade chocolate chip cookies made from scratch. 2. Canned chili 3. Barbecue ribs 4. Orange juice 5. Popsicles 6. Cheerios 7. Microwavable frozen enchiladas packaged by our friends at The Old El Paso. 8. Quaker Instant Oatmeal 9. Toast 10. Peanut butter [...]

I Love to Fly, And It Shows

In the spring of 1997 after graduating college with a degree in English and enough of a GPA to have the terribly misleading phrase “cum laude” stamped on the diploma, I used my impressive four-year education to land a job taking phone reservations for Delta Airlines. Over the next six months I was asked the [...]

Beveled Distress

Notably foolish comments directed at a graphic designer every day of her life: “Can you make it, um… sparkle?” “Purple. Let’s go with purple.” “When I click the buttons on the menu, nothing happens. What’s wrong with this jpeg mock-up?” “Make room for 15 animated promos on the homepage.” “Stock photography? I’ll just bring in [...]