Leaving Los Angeles

So Chuck is sitting in front of the living room window, the only place in the apartment not covered by a box or a huge nugget of dust, and that perma-worry wrinkle on his forehead has grown the size of the continental divide, and he’s like, what the fuck are you people doing? And I’ve [...]

Just a Few of the Very Important Things I Learned While Living in Los Angeles

- There are two types of orgasms: wasabi orgasms and warm French fry orgasms. While there may be several sub categories, like the Double Quarter Pounder with cheese Supersized� orgasm, they all fall under those two types. – White girls should wear sunscreen. (“White Girls Should Wear Sunscreen” is going to be the first single [...]

Some of the Celebrities other than Shannon Elizabeth and Giovani Ribisi I have Encountered While Living in Los Angeles

Note: Jon and I will be leaving Southern California on Friday, so pardon the next few posts while I reminisce about living in this big, bad, botox-laden Promised Land. Calista Flockhart on San Vicente Blvd in Brentwood pushing her son in a stroller. She’s extraordinarily and not surprisingly tiny, yet she can push a stroller [...]

Here in the Three Two Three

Jon and I spent the entire day yesterday helping our neighbors move their two-bedroom apartment into a storage space, a storage space on the second floor of a winding storage building with elevators operational only with 10 digit access codes. What we thought was going to be a two-hour rush of heavy wooden objects and [...]

Good Gracious Eyebrowacious

So the weather expert people, including the inimitably booby Jillian “Water Bra” Barberie, told us that actual weather would hit the Southland sometime today. Note: whenever they call Southern California the “Southland” I want to take a fork to someone’s water bra, it’s that infuriating. There’s not a thing Southlandish about Southern California. Not a [...]

At Least Our Very Large, Very Threatening Dog Will Protect Us

So the landlord came by last week and suddenly realized that the secure building we’re all paying to live in isn’t necessarily a traditionally “secure” building. In fact, the secure building we’re all paying to live in happens to be the same secure building several homeless people are using as a home base of sorts, [...]

Oh, Lordy

When Jon and I first started dating we made each other promise that 1) we’d never go back to the Mormon church and 2) we’d never live in Utah again. It’s safe to say that if you don’t do one of these things, you won’t likely do the other one. Mormons are Utah. Utah is [...]

The Longest Elevator Ride of My Life

So Jon and I are parking the car, and the parking structure is monstrous, one of those structures that goes five floors underground, and the only empty spaces are on the fifth floor in a remote cavernous corner. And we don’t necessarily mind, because we’re going to see one of those arty movies that’s only [...]

Do I Look Like I Speak Spanish?

I know that what I’m about to say is going to cause all sorts of hissy fits, and people are going to get all fussy and up in my business, but what’s the point of a personal website if I can’t whine? It’s just, the only Spanish I know I learned from The Simpsons and [...]

You Only Get Five

Ok. So. Jon and I were standing out in front of the apartment, waiting for the dog to go pee or something, something that the dog normally does outside the apartment. And while we were waiting we were sort of re-enacting a certain scene from “Moonlight Mile,” a movie we’d just seen the night before. [...]